Military rape is rising…avoid Sgt. Pepper’s Really Lonely Hearts Division.

A deadly Philippine volcano has started spewing rocks and ash…sounds like a wonderful vacation spot…bring your asbestos bathing suit.

A special effects innovator has died at 92…how do we know for sure?

A deadly gas tanker explosion in a Mexico City suburb…Mexico City makes Detroit look like Disneyland.

Queen Elizabeth II will skip first Commonwealth meeting in four decades…every elderly British women just nearly fainted.

Egyptian Cabinet shuffle is strengthening the Muslim Brotherhood…and weakening Americans’ ability to understand it.

Rapper Ja Rule has been released from prison…that’s two years of album “research.”

Sex-crazed monster grasshoppers are set to invade the East Coast…in other words…it’s almost summer.

Canadians have unearthed the oldest bone-headed dinosaur ever…or half a dinosaur…if you factor in the exchange rate.

The FDA wants tanning beds to come with warning labels…meeting someone who spends time in a tanning bed is already enough of a warning…orange is not a natural color for a human.

Computed tomography screening reportedly reduces lung-cancer deaths among high-risk patients…now if you can just find an American who knows what tomography is.

Job openings on the US have dipped from a 5-year high…to a 4 and 1/2 year high.

Canada says it foiled an al-Qaeda inspired plot to attack a train…terrorists must get all their ideas from Steven Seagal movies.

A fugitive on the FBI’s Most Wanted List has been nabbed in Nicaragua…leave him there, that’s punishment enough.

Republican Congressman Peter King is urging authorities to beef up surveillance of Muslims in America…when it comes to Muslims, Peter King makes Captain Queeg look relaxed.

Netflix stock has surged 20%…which explains why movie theaters are about 80% empty.

Apple won a patent-infringement case brought by Google Inc Motorola Mobility over a phone sensor…a story mostly read on an iPhone.

The Taliban have abducted 11 civilians from a downed helicopter in Afghanistan…shocking…we still have manned aircraft in Afghanistan.

Ex-Congressman Anthony Weiner has created a new Twitter account…he should stick with Facebook…more space for photos.

Foreign investors are helping to fuel a U.S. shale boom…not sure how much shale the country has, but it sure has created a boom in shale advertising.

Khloe Kardashian is not returning for this fall’s 3rd edition of The X Factor…must be The X Factor.

The President pedaled a bike-powered emergency water sanitation station during a White House Science Fair…he’s checking out his next “investment.”

New York City is trying to raise the legal age for buying tobacco to 21…but the age for making arbitrary restrictions on human behavior has no limits.

European deficits are falling like a middle-aged man’s waistline, but debt is growing…like his resentment of 21-year-old bodybuilders.

Wesley Snipes is out of prison after serving time for tax evasion…look for Passenger 57…Two.

Weak job gains hurt America’s economic outlook…on the bright side…those who have jobs get free food at our fast food jobs.

Rich Products is recalling all frozen food snacks…apparently Rich is poor in quality.

More potassium and less salt slashes the risk of strokes…but increases the risk of no fun.

Scientists say 1,600 years of glacial ice in the Peruvian Andres has melted in 25 years…Peruvians must now drink warm beer.

Scientists have built a 3-D printer that creates human organs…soon to eliminate the common complaint…I wish I had more hands.

Movie critic Roger Ebert has died…along with the relevance of movie critics.

Struggling carmaker Fisker Automotive has laid off most of its workers…including its PR person, this is the first time I’ve heard of Fisker.

A missing Ohio family has been found safe in the Everglades…meanwhile a Florida alligator has been found in Ohio…mounted to the wall of a trailer.

Tyson Foods has been fined nearly $4 million for violating the Clean Air Act…but not for the Good Taste Act.

Hiring slowed, but unemployment dropped…if I were hired to figure out this phenomenon…I’d be unemployed.

Jessica Alba says she wants to focus on serious roles…and apparently wants to stop working out.

Nearly half of couples move in together before marriage…and given the economy…nearly half of couples move in together after divorce.

Male baldness may indicate greater risk for a heart attack…and rejection.

The U.S. Transportation Department may expand its vehicle safety ratings…an “R” rating means there is a great chance you’ll get lucky in a hatchback.

The U.S. Small Business Administration approved more than $2 billion in disaster loans after Superstorm Sandy…but that’s just to replace neon signs on the Jersey shore.

A cyber attack on South Korean banks and broadcasters came from an internet address in China…it’s called the Number Two.

Australia’s prime minister apologized to thousands of unwed mothers who were forced by government policies to give up their babies for adoption over several decades…this is also the plot of Mad Max 4.

Two survived in a capsized boat off the Nigerian coast…also known as a vacation for some.

Canada’s House of Commons has passed a bill that would make it illegal to discriminate against transgender people…no wonder Canada produces so much maple syrup…it’s a sweet country.

The UK has moved closer to becoming the first country to allow the creation of babies from three people…it’s known as the Jack Tripper law.

A new CVS policy requires workers who use company health insurance to report their weight, and body fat and glucose levels to the insurer – or pay a $600-a-year penalty…CVS must stand for Constantly Violating Standards (of Privacy).

Montana may soon make it legal to eat roadkill…like anyone in Montana needs a law…the state has more wildlife than people.

A genetically modified version of herpes simplex virus type 1, the same virus that causes cold sores, shrank tumors of the deadly skin cancer melanoma…try explaining that to a date…I can’t kiss you because I have cold sores, but I’m cancer-free.

Coca-Cola plans to cut 750 jobs in the United States…The Real Thing is now a Pink Slip.

Death Wish Coffee claims to be the world’s strongest brew…the only coffee designed specifically for vampires.

A study finds pre-packaged foods for toddlers has too much salt…leave the salt in…so they can get used to pre-packaged foods for adults.

A school in Pennsylvania has banned Axe Body Spray after one of their students had a severe allergic reaction to it…They call it Axe because that’s what it does to your immune system.

Kate Upton may attend a prom after a Los Angeles high school senior asked her to go…he must be the oldest high school senior ever…no one that age has a man’s balls.

Darden Restaurants’ third-quarter net income dropped as a result of soft sales at Red Lobster…at least they have another chain they could blame…Joe’s Crab Shack.

Rapper Lil Wayne has been hospitalized…too much use of auto tune.

Tony Bennett is recording a new album with Lady Gaga…they’ll croon “I Left My Meat Dress In San Francisco.”

Washington is panicking over automatic spending cuts…like a crack whore who didn’t give her pimp enough of her earnings.

Pope Benedict will officially resign this week…and receive a gold watch…with a cross for hands.

A central provision of the Voting Rights Act of 1965 may be in peril…how quaint…as if voting mattered.

And injured NASCAR fans calls the most recent crash a “scene from a horror movie”…the rest of us call NASCAR in general a “scene from a horror movie.”

J.C. Penny has reported another huge loss…it needs to stop living up to its name literally.

The U.S. is training Syrian Rebels…folks, meet the new al-Qaeda.

Apple shares have slipped 37%…saw it on my iPhone.

Scott Weiland has lost his job with the Stone Temple Pilots…the who?

Andy Dick has landed a spot on Dancing With The Stars…bets are now being placed as to how quickly he’ll drop his pants on the show.

Bobby Brown has been sentenced to 55 days in jail for DUI#3…maybe drinking shouldn’t be Bobby’s prerogative.

The Rolling Stones will hold an exhibition in the Rock Hall of Fame and Museum…by simply showing up there.

The Oscar audience rose to 40.3 million…at least we now know who many people lead empty lives.

Rosa Parks was honored with a statute…let’s hope it doesn’t sit in the rear of any building.

The Senate has confirmed Jacob Lew as the nation’s 76th Treasury Secretary…and he’s not a Goldman Sachs alum…must not be their turn this year.

A fraternity has raised $16K for transgender member’s surgery…and promised to allow his and her keg stands.

Sugar is the major problem in the American diet…’cause she keeps eating everything.

A study finds the Mediterranean diet is better than a low-fat diet…the Mediterranean diet is where you quit your job and drink wine all day.

An iron-rich diet might ease PMS…so ladies break out those irons and get those shirts unwrinkled.

Men with eating disorders have a tougher time getting help…up from the floor of the bathroom.

An American millionaire plans to send a married couple on a flyby trip past Mars…that’s a real test of marriage…couped up in a space capsule for weeks on end.

Fragments of an ancient continent have been found buried under the Indian Ocean…

Firefighters may get help from infra-red holography…to pass the time looking through women’s clothing while sitting around the fire house.

A decline in leatherback turtles has been reported…they’re now more closeted.

US crude oil supplies grew by 1.1 million barrels…which apparently are no where near the market…enjoy your $4 per gallon gas.

A record $1 million reward is posted for information leading to the capture of a fugitive former Los Angeles cop suspected of targeting police…and that’s just for the rights to the inevitable made-for-TV movie.

A tornado touched down in Mississippi…watch for a spike in sales of confederate flags.

CBS has asked celebrities to keep their butts, breasts, and other sensitive areas covered during the 87th Grammys…so as not to upset CBS’ regular audience…so old they’re envious of people without cellulite.

Lawsuits are flying after horse meat was found in beef products in Europe…how dare they taint horse meat with beef.

The Chinese have ushered in the Year of the Snake…so presumably before 2013 ends, we’ll all be using yuan.

After Nemo drowned the Northeast in snow, thousands remain stranded and in the dark…but that’s mostly because they never finished high school.

Ford marketing executives say they have no desire to please advertising critics with their Super Bowl ads for luxury brand Lincoln…Ford still has a luxury brand Lincoln?

American and US Airways may announce a merger this week…two airlines bleeding money will soon be one airline bleeding money.

Apple is testing wearable smartwatch-like devices…now I can stop wearing my iPad as a chest protector.

Skyfall gives Bond his first Bafta for 50 years…which to American audiences sounds like a Serbian sexual position.

Chris Brown sported a white suit at the Grammys…he really has given up domestic violence…there’s no hiding blood while wearing white.

The world’s largest captive crocodile has died…many are sad…except Captain Hook.

The Mars rover has drilled deep into the red planet…for scientists…that’s how every porn starts.

Scientists claim the Earth is overdue for a solar super storm…if we have any more super storms of any kind…we’re eventually going to be super extinct.

Scientists have discovered how bacteria has changed ions into solid gold…and the name of the lead scientist…Rumpelstiltskin.

The Institute of Medicine says childhood vaccines are safe…but the verdict is out on whether info about vaccines in the mass media is safe.

The President is prepping for his State of the Union address…also known as the Movie of the Week.

IBM has developed a computer to help health insurance companies figure out which claims to pay…it’s a brand new electronic dartboard.

There’s a list out of the 20 Best Windows 8 Apps…number one…the app that helps you find the closest Apple store.

Thousands are marching for gun control in Washington DC…ironically protected by those with guns.

Hacker-activist group Anonymous says it hijacked the website of the U.S. Sentencing Commission…government officials knew something was up when their website said sentences for Internet crimes were reduced to home arrest in a computer store.

North Korea is reportedly ready to conduct a nuclear test…that map of North and South Korea is about to get a lot brighter in the North.

A prison riot in Venezuela is continuing…beads are everywhere.

U.S. jobless claims have fallen to a five-year low…because the government is now counting homeless squeegee men as part-time workers.

Volvo is investing in a truck-making venture in China…where they’ll build truck bicycles.

It’s illegal for smartphone users to unlock their phones…apparently private property is virtual these days too.

J.J. Abrams will direct the next new Star Wars movie…which means it might actually be good.

Burt Reynolds is hospitalized with severe flu…his hairpiece has been hospitalized for a severe cleaning.

Investors are convinced there’s money to be made mining asteroids for precious metals…apparently there’ s money to be made selling mushrooms to people with a lot of cash.

Social Security’s disability trust fund could fail to cover all benefits as early as 2016…including the prime disability…the delusion that any government program is not a Ponzi scheme.

Subway is apologizing for selling subs that are less than a foot long…Subway needs more men…we never apologize for being less than a foot long.

Boeing continues to build Dreamliners despite a federal probe that has grounded the jet…the wind beneath its wings apparently is whistling through its collective head.

Fox News has dropped Sarah Palin…apparently her 15 minutes are up…except in the fantasies of red-blooded American males…and a few “conservative” women.

People ask me all the time, “Why do you use three names?”  I tell them that’s the last question all the other people asked…right before they disappeared.

It’s a compliment in America to be told you look like an actor.  Unless that actor is not in the 1% actually making a living from acting.

I can’t skip breakfast.  Technically, I can, but my stomach has other plans.

I like to start my day with vitamins.  The pharmacist always yells at me…”Pay for your Centrum before you open it!”

Sometime after 40 your underwear creeps higher and your pants creep lower…and your fly never closes.  Your midriff revolts…and nearly everyone around you finds it revolving too.

If pants had straps and shoes had fur linings, socks would be unnecessary…then again if you’re crazy enough to think of that…pants are unnecessary in your world too.

Facebook has turned into a political battleground…a constant fight between people we don’t care about and other people we don’t care about.

50 years ago people didn’t pay for water and didn’t pay for TV…50 years from now…people will trade a TV for water.

Morning people are annoying…they want the whole world to be as wide awake as they are…the nerve of these cops to pull over people sleeping behind the wheel!

Susan Rice was withdrawn from secretary of state consideration…following in Hillary’s footsteps requires you…to be a man, baby!

Venezuela’s Chavez has suffered complications after surgery…unfortunately those complications have nothing to do with his political philosophy…he’s still a hard core leftist.

Boehner and Obama are still meeting about the fiscal cliff…so the entire country is Wile E. Coyote holding up a sign that reads “We’re Screwed.”

Hamas has staged its first West Bank march since 2007…it’s so hard to find a good float.

Retail sales are increasing as Americans snap up autos and appliances…we’re so desparate to save money we’ll put wheels on a dryer.

A jury finds Apples iPhone infringes three patents…so that’s what Steve Jobs was hiding in his turtleneck.

Courtney Love is reportedly not a fan of Paul McCartney performing with Nirvana…what a surprise…another weird chick upset with a Beatle.

A study finds the health of most of the planet’s population resembles the United States…we apparently won the Cold War with food.

A study finds fatal strokes strike distressed seniors…another reason to avoid masturbation.

Sports broadcaster Bob Costas says the NFL has a gun culture problem…no, it doesn’t, it embraces guns, just fine.

Childhood obesity is falling in some cities…presumably those running out of food.

Holiday sales continue to soar on Cyber Monday…right before the nation celebrates Stolen Credit Card Tuesday.

Democrats and Republicans are ramping up talks about the fiscal cliff…but much like Wile E. Coyote, they’ll both go over a cliff, but be back for more punishment.

Halle Berry’s ex-boyfriend claims his arrest was a set-up…for more publicity for Halle Berry.

Bangladeshi garment workers staged an angry protest following a factory fire…good news…they still make pants in Vietnam.

A man has been charged after he jokingly claimed to have dynamite in his luggage at Miami International Airport…Florida really does have a lot of old people…nobody uses dynamite anymore.

Facebook flags a “copyright” message as a hoax…few would no better than a CIA-born hoax.

Angus T. Jones, co-star of Two and a Half Men, recently called the series “filth”…apparently he’s been attending Charlie Sheen’s How To Eventually Get Fired From A Hit TV Show lecture series.

Grapefruit juice mixed with some prescription meds can create serious health problems…then again if you’re mixing grapefruit juice with medicine…you’re probably nearing death’s door anyway.

The American Academy of Pediatrics is recommending emergency contraception be available to teens…it already is…it’s called parents.