Craigslist is censoring its adult services section…goodbye free market…hello government whores.

The Vatican may try to save the life of an Iranian widow sentenced to be stoned for adultery…Bishop to Mullah…check…mate.

Kanye West tweets alot…then again when your ego is that big…it tweets for you.

Google is making its privacy policy “more transparent and understandable”…so you have a clearer idea that it’s still compiling huge amounts of personal info on you.

Oil billionaires made a $1 million dollar contribution to delay California’s global warming law…the green movement really is about “green.”

Bristol Palin told Jay Leno that her ex-boyfriend Levi Johnson needs to go back to school…Palin must avoid mirrors.

LA cops claim rapper TI and his wife had ecstasy on them…but if they were really “street” they would’ve had ecstasy in them.

Jennifer Aniston is rumored to be dating Hard Rock Cafe heir Harry Morton…at least she’ll get discounts on over-priced burgers.

Michaele Salahi — star of the Real Housewives of DC TV show — has agreed to pose for Playboy…sure to get a few Washington monuments rising.

A study ties osteoporosis drugs to esophageal cancer…at least Quasimodo was cancer free.

The CDC says Prescription drug use in the US has been rising steadily in the past decade…we’re number one…in overdoses.

A strong earthquake strikes near Christchurch, New Zealand…upsetting a trio of sheep.

The President is planning a new economic aid package…once again the middle class will get used like a crack whore.

Tattoo artist Kat Von D says she’s in love with motorcycle builder Jesse James…presumably it’s a good move for business too…bikers love tats.

The labor market is reportedly unable to gain any traction…’cause it’s in traction.

BP has begun to remove its failed blowout preventer from atop its Gulf well…sounds like fossil fuel porn.

A brawl broke out at the US Tennis Open…consisting of slaps and tickles.

A Republican Senate Candidate rolled out a new set of federal spending guidelines…which if ever passed will be ignored too.

A Montana teen mistakenly sent a text message meant for a pot dealer to the sheriff…to which he replied OMG you are SOL.

Hurricane Earl is nearing the East Coast…the name Earl doesn’t sound threatening enough…Big Earl sounds much worse…or at least someone who won’t fix your car right.

Rapper TI and wife have been arrested on drug charges…he must have a new album coming out.

Ex-British PM Tony Blair’s memoirs are breaking sales records…proving modern lit need not be good to sell.

Stephen Hawking says physics was the reason for the Big Bang not God…and yet no scientist ever seems to fully explain the Genesis of the Big Bang.

Sylvester Stallone has turned down an invite to appear on Dancing With The Stars…because you can’t dance with a machine gun on prime time.

Conservative commentator Ann Coulter is calling the President an atheist…which in the arena of big ideological ideas ranks about 1,597th.

New York-based private investment firm 3G Capital Management is expected to buy Burger King…look for the Really Rich Burger.

Researchers say organic strawberries are healthier for you…unless they are on top of strawberry shortcake with whipped cream.

A new study finds men suffering from sleep deprivation are more likely to die prematurely…unless they bribe the sandman.

Ferrari has been forced to recall its latest super car after reports that several had burst into flames…now that’s an exotic ride.

Rumor has it Harvey Keitel may replace Steve Carrell on the Office…in what I can only imagine will be Bad Lt. meets pseudo-docu silliness.

A study finds 72% of adults are text messaging…outraging teens who text…%$&* adults stole our pop culture trend!

An ex-CEO of Lehman Brothers is accusing the Fed of worsening the financial crisis…apparently it takes two years to grow a pair of balls.

Ex-British PM Tony Blair says ex-President George W. Bush displayed “genuine integrity and political courage”…by helping to wreck the American economy.

The US has begun a new era in Iraq…by doing exactly what it has always done leaving troops behind.

A study finds illegal immigration has dropped 2/3rds in the last decade…proving America’s melting pot has melted down.

Conan O’Brien’s new show is named Conan…as “Screw NBC” apparently was not available.

A NYC man who plunged 39 stories from the rooftop of an apartment building has survived after crashing onto a parked car…there goes the auto owner’s car insurance through the roof!

Tiger Woods is reportedly building a $55-million-dollar bachelor pad on Florida’s exclusive Jupiter Island…making it less exclusive.

The President marked the end of the combat mission in Iraq…but thankfully spared us the photo-op of him in a flight suit with a cod piece.

The Defense Secretary says even though the US combat mission in Iraq is formally ending, it’s no time to celebrate…unless you drop acid and think we actually won.

David Hasselhoff, Michael Bolton, Florence Henderson, and Jennifer Grey will appear on Dancing With The Stars…or as its’ known in Hollywood: Please Hire Me Again To Do Something, Anything.

Google is unveiling a new Gmail feature that rearranges messages so the most important appear at the top…like your porn subscription is about to expire.

Consumer confidence climbed more than forecast in August…placing it just above the water line of a nearly dry creek.

Two health groups say health workers should get flu shots or lose their jobs…apparently everyone’s health matters except if you are a health worker.

Sarah Palin will headline an annual GOP dinner in Iowa leading some to believe she may run for president…or they’re desperate for entertainment.

A study finds drinkers outlive non-drinkers…especially if the last few years of your life you’re so drunk…you forget to die.

Rudy Giuliani’s daughter will have her shoplifting charge dismissed after 1 day of community service…which involves making sure her Dad never wears his hair in a comb-over.

Tiger Woods’ ex-wife says her children are getting her through her ex-husband’s cheating scandal…and presumably the millions of dollars in the divorce settlement.

The Vice President is participating in a ceremony marking the end of the US combat mission in Iraq…now the only weapon of mass destruction there is Biden’s mouth.

Las Vegas Police say they will give Paris Hilton no special treatment…except for silk handcuffs.

A study finds pot may provide chronic pain relief…except for stomach aches due to higher intakes of Twinkies.

Childrens’ sports-related concussions are rising…on the other hand that may make them easier to control.

A new poll finds six in ten say Sarah Palin would be an ineffective president…so in other words just like all other presidents.

George Clooney won a Humanitarian Award at the Emmys…for not making another Batman movie.

Snooki’s boyfriend has proposed…they share a tanning bed.

Health testing at California beaches has dipped to its lowest level since tests became mandatory…so in addition to bringing a towel and sunscreen add a radiation suit.

Lindsey Lohan’s father is praising her…something that might send her back to rehab.

The U.S. birthrate fell for the second year in midst of the recession…apparently in this economy wire coat hangers are very cheap.

The Federal Reserve’s annual retreat was held in Jackson Hole…appropriately named since a hole is where snakes live.

A major riot broke out at California’s Folsom State Prison…or they’re filming The Longest Yard Two.

69 cars were involved in Phoenix highway accident…that’s one of the few times that number is not considered pleasurable.

Toyota is recalling 1.13 million vehicles…making recalls seem as common as well…Toyotas.

Ford is recalling nearly a half million Windstar Minivans…for ruining the images of NASCAR dads forced to drive them.

Coal waste has contaminated the water of 21 states…apparently the industry’s definition of “clean” is different from the rest of us.

Paris Hilton has been arrested for cocaine possession…just in time to rob the spotlight from a newly-released-from-rehab Lindsey Lohan.

Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin told thousands of Americans to “restore America” at a rally in Washington, DC…a stone’s throw from the Lincoln Memorial…dedicated to the worst tyrant America has ever produced.

Breastfeeding may lower moms’ risks of diabetes…tit milk is sugar free!

More over 50 are using social networking websites…making the once hip trend lame…and actual socializing hip…again.

The CDC says births declined nearly 3% in 2009 compared to the prior year…apparently babies are going out of vogue…along with bath water.

Fed Head Bernanke says the economy remains vulnerable…to the manipulations of central bankers.

The President plans to commemorate Hurricane Katrina on 5th anniversary…by driving a school bus no one else will ride.

Dell and HP are both vying for a data storage company…’cause you can only charge so much for ink cartridge refills.

New Jersey’s education commissioner has been fired after the state missed out on nearly $400 million in federal education funding…beggars apparently can be choosers as long as they don’t mind losing their jobs.

New research shows that black rice has more antioxidants than blueberries…enjoy a bowl with your soy milk.

USA Today newspaper is cutting 9% of its workforce…we’ll have to see if that winds up as a pie chart in the paper.

Some senior Democrats are considering extending the Bush tax cuts…just in time to siphon off more dough from the wealthy for those tough re-election campaigns.

The federal government plans to remove the temporary cap of the BP Gulf well…leaving it with a comb over.

The FDA has discovered evidence of salmonella in chicken feed…that costs extra in the finest chicken restaurants.

The feds aim to fine American Airlines a record $24 million plus for maintenance lapses…so presumably you’ll soon have to pay for cabin air.

The FAA says a JetBlue Airways plane blew a tire while landing at a California airport…making the airline JetBlack&Blue.

R & B singer Chris Brown received a positive review from a LA judge…which apparently means more than positive reviews of his music.

The Dow has dropped below 10,000…much like the populations of every state in the union.

Lindsay Lohan had her license reinstated…so she can drive Herbie: The Trouble Bug.

An independent counsel has accused NY’s Gov of making “misleading” statements under oath about his receipt of World Series tickets…which ranks 1,495th on a list of 1,500 problems in New York State.

Rod Blagojevich is headed for a retrial early next year…but unfortunately not a new hair styling.

Toyota is recalling Corolla and Matrix models due to an engine defect…it seems like Toyota is having more problems than the seniors who typically drive its products.

New Jersey’s mortgage loans that were “seriously delinquent” are the highest in the tri-state area…you know times are tough when even the mob can’t pay its loans.

Google has reached 1 million calls on its new Gmail VolP service…mostly from people saying “Hey, I’m calling you from my Gmail account.”

A new government report finds just four companies control 90% of the wireless market…just like every industry in the States.

17 attorneys general wrote an open letter to Craigslist requesting that the “adult services” portion be taken down immediately…the only thing government hates more than money is sex…especially sex for which you may have to pay.

Facebook is suing a new website called Teachbook…for using “book” in its name…I sense the basis for a new social networking game “Backlash.”

Paris Hilton called police after seeing a man wielding two large knives and banging on her windows…probably her chefs just locked themselves out.

Wil Forte is leaving Saturday Night Live…this can only work out one of two ways…he either becomes Chevy Chase or Mike Myers.

Heidi Montag wants her breast implants removed…perhaps Spencer will get to keep one in the divorce for those lonely nights.

John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are reportedly not dating again…which can only mean one of them has something to promote.