Thoughts from a Mental Ward

POT CALLS THE KETTLE BLACK & BLUE
December 10th, 2014 by Aaron David Ward

The CIA claims torture yielded a Home Depot-sized trove of intelligence…for those of us who are mechanically-disinclined…spending time in Home Depot is torture.

Afghanistan and Germany both condemed American torture…that’s the pot calling the kettle black-and-blue.

David Letterman is retiring on Wednesday, May 20th…given that he could still make millions more…it might be a Stupid Human Trick.

Poland has admitted the U.S. used a black site prison to torture suspected terrorists…Polish authorities thought the CIA was training suspected terrorists how to repair pools.

Students at medical schools around the U.S. are planning “die-in” protests…given the state of our healthcare system it’s possible to really “die-in” a hospital.

Oil is at a 5-year low…oil is so cheap, bottled water is more expensive than gas.

Instagram has more users than Twitter…photos are more popular than words…and soon we’ll once again live in caves.

It looks like Pirate Bay, known as ‘the world’s most notorious file-sharing site,’ is on its last legs…or at least its last peg leg.

Researchers believe the critically-endangered porpoise could be extinct in four years…remember kids, the porpoise has a purpose.

Sony plans a 21 Jump Street and Men in Black crossover…I always suspected Channing Tatum was an alien.

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SANITIZED LAND
December 5th, 2014 by Aaron David Ward

China’s leaders had their ex-domestic security chief arrested and booted from the Communist Party…what a favor!

The flu is increasing in Central Florida…time to open a new theme park “Sanitized Land.”

The President has nominated Ashton Carter as Defense Secretary…a man whose name sounds like he should design handbags.

A typhoon is descending on the Philippines…while here in America people panic over forecasts of rain.

It took 22 people to approve a tweet from Mitt Romney…and don’t ask how many it took to screw in a light bulb so they could tweet.

America added the most new jobs in nearly 3 years…so that’s like 1.

Consumer credit in America increased less than forecast in October…so you can un-credit the forecast.

Bill Cosby’s Hollywood Walk of Fame star has been vandalized…I’m guessing that wasn’t pudding.

Electric eels can ‘remote control’ their prey…presumably it’s just the males.

A study finds obesity can take 8 years off your life…but those are a really enjoyable 8 years, especially if you swim in pudding.

Khloé Kardashian and French Montana have split…at first I thought this was a report of a Kardashian being thrown out of a country.

Mark Wahlberg is looking to get a 26-year-old assault rap and other convictions wiped from his record…but never asked for Marky Mark records to be burned.


AMERICAN PSYCHO 2
October 15th, 2014 by Aaron David Ward

The President canceled a trip to monitor Ebola…even he doesn’t want to fly.

Apple is unveiling new iPads…the ones you wear to blow whoever you need to blow to afford another expensive toy.

Wrongly imprisoned for 29 years, a man goes free in Brooklyn…which is like still being in prison.

Netflix shares plunge…that’s not surprising…some of their “new” movies are 30 years old.

Neil Patrick Harris will host the Academy Awards…expect a lot of show tunes.

Ancient kangaroos walked instead of hopped…but changed because hopping is cooler.

An Australian study questions gradual weight loss as the best approach…apparently the key is chugging Fosters.

Christian Bale is in talks to play Apple Founder Steve Jobs…or as it’s known in Hollywood circles American Psycho 2.

Bono is apologizing for U2’s free iTunes album…that’s how you know we live in a screwed up world.

All 10 seasons of Friends are coming to Netflix…which is likely considered “new” for Netflix.

The American owner of a wildlife park in Mexico was killed by a camel…and it was not a cigarette.

Will.i.am is hawking a new smart watch…when you are more known for technology than music it’s time to change careers.

Toyota is recalling more than 1.6 million vehicles for faulty brakes…then again many of those driving Toyotas barely get them over 30 miles an hour so they can break with their feet.

Honda is accused of not reporting all air bag incidents…then again some of its cars are so small they have sandwich bags.


3D PRINTING – 2D CASH
September 2nd, 2014 by Aaron David Ward

Justin Bieber was charged with assault and dangerous driving in Canada…which is like being charged with a speeding ticket in America.

When yet another celebrity’s nude pics become news…it’s no longer news.

The CDC’s director is calling for a worldwide effort to stop Ebola…collective the entire world is being asked to not turn it’s head and not cough.

Russia is calling on the US to push Ukraine into halting its military campaign…which is like asking the Devil to stop making hell so hot.

The British parents who pulled their son from a cancer ward won’t be charged…at least the cancer at government is kept at bay.

32 felons have escaped from a Nashville juvenile jail…they should be easy to find just scour the area monster truck rallies.

U.S. manufacturing expansion increased in August…if you count movies and weapons as the chief manufactured goods.

Mobile device makers are introducing a steady stream of smart watches…in hopes dumb consumers will pay even more money to tell time.

A study finds a low-carb diet beats a low-fat diet for weight loss…and taste.

A study finds most Americans are eating better foods except the poor…who are hoping to eat the rich.

A Russian mission to learn about the sex life of geckos in orbit took a bad turn…when they decided to learn about the sex life of geckos.

NASA has successfully tested a rocket engine injector, produced with 3D-printing…and presumably a lot of 2D cash.

875 square miles of Lake Michigan could become a marine sanctuary…as opposed to a graveyard for the Detroit mob.


MUSTACHES & MEMBERS’ ONLY JACKETS
August 28th, 2014 by Aaron David Ward

Emma Stone has a new Bob haircut…meanwhile somewhere in America a guy named Bob is getting an Emma cut.

The Sopranos creator has revealed Tony’s fate…yawn.

The new Survivor cast includes a gay couple…but progress won’t be made until interior decorating TV shows include straight couples.

Brad Patt and Angelina Jolie are now married…presumably they both have new movies coming up.

Hello Kitty has never been a cat…the creator is now working on shapes and colors.

Six Flags has unveiled new Batman and Justice League rides…you read the comic books while floating in a swan boat on a lazy river.

Pop singer Redfoo was hit with a glass at an Australian pub…if you are as a hip as me you are thinking, “Who?”

A 2,700-year-old Phoenician shipwreck has been discovered…which is how Hollywood refers to casting older actresses.

Enthusiasts are gearing up for a Corvette reunion…by waxing their mustaches and having their Member’s Only jackets dry cleaned.

Ebola cases could top 20,000…to the delight of pharmaceutical company executives.

Canadian scientists are raising fish to walk on land…exactly how long are those Canadian winters?

The world’s oldest wine cellar is from 1600 BC…the wine must be dry…really, really dry.

Chinese scientists think they have come up with a way to get from Shanghai to San Francisco in about an hour and a half…mushrooms.

Burning garbage has worse health effects than previously thought…apparently all that burning garage made it tough to think.


BEST WAY TO CLEAN GROUT
July 30th, 2014 by Aaron David Ward

(1) Ignore it;

(2) Toothbrush;

(3) Stanley Steamer;

(4) Drip bacon grease on it and let the dog lick it;

(5) Rip out the tile and replace it with AstroTurf;

(6) Replace grout with toothpaste or denture cream;

(7) Burn it black;

(8) Clorox and vodka until someone passes out;

(9) Elmer’s Glue;

(10) Dazzling white mouthwash;

(11) Baking Soda;

(12) Just move;

(13) Put carpet over it;

(14) Sock and white shoe polish;

(15) Pennies between tiles;

(16) Let the shower spill over;

(17) Let the bath spill over;

(18) Dental floss;

(19) Hire a dentist;

(20) Paint.


FLYING FIRST CLASS IN CARGO
July 28th, 2014 by Aaron David Ward

Israel warns of long Gaza war…the military-industrial complex is now buying additional vacation homes.

A 2nd American is infected with Ebola…ironically it turns your insides red, white, and blue.

A court rules Virginia’s ban on gay marriage is unconstitutional…especially if the couple is wearing tri-cornered hats.

Sarah Palin has launched her own online TV network…the first show will be “Learn Your A-B-C’s.”

The FAA may fine Southwest Airlines 12 million dollars…in related news you can now fly Southwest Airlines in the cargo hold.

Jeff Gordon won a NASCAR-record 5th Brickyard 400…reinvigorating NASCAR’s second biggest money maker – NASCAR fans who hate Jeff Gordon.

A study finds fist bumps spread less germs than handshakes…except most business deals closing with fist bumps involve illegal drugs.

The tabloids claim Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are splitting…someone must have a new TV show or album coming out.

Warner Brothers has released Mad Max: Fury Road posters…they look remarkably like America circa 2014.

Lady Gaga makes a cameo appearance in the new Sin City movie…presumably as Lady Gaga.

Hollywood made a sequel to Sharknado…clearly Hollywood has a drug problem.


THE GREY COWL
July 28th, 2014 by Aaron David Ward

Mobile ads are fueling Facebook’s profits…and dousing desires to stay on it for a long time.

A senator from Montana is accused of plagiarism…but then again it’s Montana so there aren’t enough people there to care.

NY Governor Andrew Cuomo’s office meddled with a commission he created to root out corruption…apparently mission accomplished.

Stephen Colbert’s ‘Late Show’ will stay in New York…he’s not pretty enough for LA.

Batman is turning 75…his cowl is grey.

Britney Spears has he own line of lingerie and sweatsuits…great for lip syncing.

Attorneys for a Florida gay couple turned Wednesday to a state appeals court to lift a judge’s order blocking them from getting married.

A federal court ruled ObamaCare subsidies are illegal…just like the majority of ObamaCare’s patients.

U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry says Hamas has a fundamental choice…rename itself so it doesn’t get confused with the name of a popular snack.


THE BIG ESCARGOT
July 22nd, 2014 by Aaron David Ward

White flags have replaced American flags atop the Brooklyn Bridge…or it’s now the world’s biggest clothes line.

Gun control advocates protested New Jersey Governor Chris Christie during his visit to Connecticut…but he was welcomed with open arms by the state’s restaurants.

An annaul report ranks Massachusetts kids ranked number one for overall well-being…or as Massachusetts kids say “Wicked Awesome.”

The Beatles’ George Harrison Memorial Tree was killed by actual beetles…although some are asking the whereabouts of Yoko.

Canada is recalling California fruit…while most Californias are unable to find Canada on a map.

Researchers have identified more than 80 new genes linked to schizophrenia…or is it 40 genes with dual personalities?

Robert Downey Junior is the highest-paid actor…forget Iron Man, more like Platinum Man.

Billy Joel will receive the Gershwin Prize from the Library of Congress…or as most Long Islanders call it some readin’ award.

A sequel to Fight Club is in the works…hopefully it won’t be like Basic Instinct 2.

Coca-Cola has launched a revamped marketing strategy, a personalized “Share a Coke” campaign…after rejecting an earlier incarnation “Share Diabetes.”

McDonald’s second quarter profits fell on weak US and European sales…especially in France where no one is buying the Big Escargot.


GREAT WHITE WAY
July 22nd, 2014 by Aaron David Ward

Olympic gold medalist Ian Thorpe is gay…some say they already knew when they saw glitter in the pool.

Christopher Walken will star in NBC’s Peter Pan Live…as the most awkward Lost Boy ever.

Israel and Hamas are considering an Egyptian proposal for a cease-fire…written in vanishing ink.

In West Virginia two women are running for a U.S. Senate seat…the last time two women made history in West Virginia they wore pants.

Two years of exercising, eating healthier food, and training their brains helps ward off Alzheimer’s…and Jenny Craig.

67 giant snails have been seized at LA airport…it must be French smugglers…that’s a lot of escargot.

Trump Entertainment Resorts is laying off workers…now there are more people who can’t afford to buy his ties.

Secret makes an app allowing users to post Facebook messages anonymously…there’s a simpler way to do that…sign up for Facebook under a pen name.

Next month’s super moon will be brighter and larger…a prediction made by men.

A second probe finds more safety lapses at CDC anthrax labs…like show-and-tell sessions.

Friends have more DNA in common than strangers…especially if those friends are F*&K buddies.

Saturday Night Live” cast member Brooks Wheelan has been “fired” from the show…news to those of us who didn’t know he was on the show.

A Tupac Shakur musical is closing after less than two months on Broadway…which is why they call it the The Great White Way.