AMERICAN PSYCHO 2
October 15th, 2014
The President canceled a trip to monitor Ebola…even he doesn’t want to fly.
Apple is unveiling new iPads…the ones you wear to blow whoever you need to blow to afford another expensive toy.
Wrongly imprisoned for 29 years, a man goes free in Brooklyn…which is like still being in prison.
Netflix shares plunge…that’s not surprising…some of their “new” movies are 30 years old.
Neil Patrick Harris will host the Academy Awards…expect a lot of show tunes.
Ancient kangaroos walked instead of hopped…but changed because hopping is cooler.
An Australian study questions gradual weight loss as the best approach…apparently the key is chugging Fosters.
Christian Bale is in talks to play Apple Founder Steve Jobs…or as it’s known in Hollywood circles American Psycho 2.
Bono is apologizing for U2’s free iTunes album…that’s how you know we live in a screwed up world.
All 10 seasons of Friends are coming to Netflix…which is likely considered “new” for Netflix.
The American owner of a wildlife park in Mexico was killed by a camel…and it was not a cigarette.
Will.i.am is hawking a new smart watch…when you are more known for technology than music it’s time to change careers.
Toyota is recalling more than 1.6 million vehicles for faulty brakes…then again many of those driving Toyotas barely get them over 30 miles an hour so they can break with their feet.
Honda is accused of not reporting all air bag incidents…then again some of its cars are so small they have sandwich bags.
3D PRINTING – 2D CASH
September 2nd, 2014
Justin Bieber was charged with assault and dangerous driving in Canada…which is like being charged with a speeding ticket in America.
When yet another celebrity’s nude pics become news…it’s no longer news.
The CDC’s director is calling for a worldwide effort to stop Ebola…collective the entire world is being asked to not turn it’s head and not cough.
Russia is calling on the US to push Ukraine into halting its military campaign…which is like asking the Devil to stop making hell so hot.
The British parents who pulled their son from a cancer ward won’t be charged…at least the cancer at government is kept at bay.
32 felons have escaped from a Nashville juvenile jail…they should be easy to find just scour the area monster truck rallies.
U.S. manufacturing expansion increased in August…if you count movies and weapons as the chief manufactured goods.
Mobile device makers are introducing a steady stream of smart watches…in hopes dumb consumers will pay even more money to tell time.
A study finds a low-carb diet beats a low-fat diet for weight loss…and taste.
A study finds most Americans are eating better foods except the poor…who are hoping to eat the rich.
A Russian mission to learn about the sex life of geckos in orbit took a bad turn…when they decided to learn about the sex life of geckos.
NASA has successfully tested a rocket engine injector, produced with 3D-printing…and presumably a lot of 2D cash.
875 square miles of Lake Michigan could become a marine sanctuary…as opposed to a graveyard for the Detroit mob.
MUSTACHES & MEMBERS’ ONLY JACKETS
August 28th, 2014
Emma Stone has a new Bob haircut…meanwhile somewhere in America a guy named Bob is getting an Emma cut.
The Sopranos creator has revealed Tony’s fate…yawn.
The new Survivor cast includes a gay couple…but progress won’t be made until interior decorating TV shows include straight couples.
Brad Patt and Angelina Jolie are now married…presumably they both have new movies coming up.
Hello Kitty has never been a cat…the creator is now working on shapes and colors.
Six Flags has unveiled new Batman and Justice League rides…you read the comic books while floating in a swan boat on a lazy river.
Pop singer Redfoo was hit with a glass at an Australian pub…if you are as a hip as me you are thinking, “Who?”
A 2,700-year-old Phoenician shipwreck has been discovered…which is how Hollywood refers to casting older actresses.
Enthusiasts are gearing up for a Corvette reunion…by waxing their mustaches and having their Member’s Only jackets dry cleaned.
Ebola cases could top 20,000…to the delight of pharmaceutical company executives.
Canadian scientists are raising fish to walk on land…exactly how long are those Canadian winters?
The world’s oldest wine cellar is from 1600 BC…the wine must be dry…really, really dry.
Chinese scientists think they have come up with a way to get from Shanghai to San Francisco in about an hour and a half…mushrooms.
Burning garbage has worse health effects than previously thought…apparently all that burning garage made it tough to think.
BEST WAY TO CLEAN GROUT
July 30th, 2014
(1) Ignore it;
(3) Stanley Steamer;
(4) Drip bacon grease on it and let the dog lick it;
(5) Rip out the tile and replace it with AstroTurf;
(6) Replace grout with toothpaste or denture cream;
(7) Burn it black;
(8) Clorox and vodka until someone passes out;
(9) Elmer’s Glue;
(10) Dazzling white mouthwash;
(11) Baking Soda;
(12) Just move;
(13) Put carpet over it;
(14) Sock and white shoe polish;
(15) Pennies between tiles;
(16) Let the shower spill over;
(17) Let the bath spill over;
(18) Dental floss;
(19) Hire a dentist;
FLYING FIRST CLASS IN CARGO
July 28th, 2014
Israel warns of long Gaza war…the military-industrial complex is now buying additional vacation homes.
A 2nd American is infected with Ebola…ironically it turns your insides red, white, and blue.
A court rules Virginia’s ban on gay marriage is unconstitutional…especially if the couple is wearing tri-cornered hats.
Sarah Palin has launched her own online TV network…the first show will be “Learn Your A-B-C’s.”
The FAA may fine Southwest Airlines 12 million dollars…in related news you can now fly Southwest Airlines in the cargo hold.
Jeff Gordon won a NASCAR-record 5th Brickyard 400…reinvigorating NASCAR’s second biggest money maker – NASCAR fans who hate Jeff Gordon.
A study finds fist bumps spread less germs than handshakes…except most business deals closing with fist bumps involve illegal drugs.
The tabloids claim Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are splitting…someone must have a new TV show or album coming out.
Warner Brothers has released Mad Max: Fury Road posters…they look remarkably like America circa 2014.
Lady Gaga makes a cameo appearance in the new Sin City movie…presumably as Lady Gaga.
Hollywood made a sequel to Sharknado…clearly Hollywood has a drug problem.
THE GREY COWL
July 28th, 2014
Mobile ads are fueling Facebook’s profits…and dousing desires to stay on it for a long time.
A senator from Montana is accused of plagiarism…but then again it’s Montana so there aren’t enough people there to care.
NY Governor Andrew Cuomo’s office meddled with a commission he created to root out corruption…apparently mission accomplished.
Stephen Colbert’s ‘Late Show’ will stay in New York…he’s not pretty enough for LA.
Batman is turning 75…his cowl is grey.
Britney Spears has he own line of lingerie and sweatsuits…great for lip syncing.
Attorneys for a Florida gay couple turned Wednesday to a state appeals court to lift a judge’s order blocking them from getting married.
A federal court ruled ObamaCare subsidies are illegal…just like the majority of ObamaCare’s patients.
U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry says Hamas has a fundamental choice…rename itself so it doesn’t get confused with the name of a popular snack.
THE BIG ESCARGOT
July 22nd, 2014
White flags have replaced American flags atop the Brooklyn Bridge…or it’s now the world’s biggest clothes line.
Gun control advocates protested New Jersey Governor Chris Christie during his visit to Connecticut…but he was welcomed with open arms by the state’s restaurants.
An annaul report ranks Massachusetts kids ranked number one for overall well-being…or as Massachusetts kids say “Wicked Awesome.”
The Beatles’ George Harrison Memorial Tree was killed by actual beetles…although some are asking the whereabouts of Yoko.
Canada is recalling California fruit…while most Californias are unable to find Canada on a map.
Researchers have identified more than 80 new genes linked to schizophrenia…or is it 40 genes with dual personalities?
Robert Downey Junior is the highest-paid actor…forget Iron Man, more like Platinum Man.
Billy Joel will receive the Gershwin Prize from the Library of Congress…or as most Long Islanders call it some readin’ award.
A sequel to Fight Club is in the works…hopefully it won’t be like Basic Instinct 2.
Coca-Cola has launched a revamped marketing strategy, a personalized “Share a Coke” campaign…after rejecting an earlier incarnation “Share Diabetes.”
McDonald’s second quarter profits fell on weak US and European sales…especially in France where no one is buying the Big Escargot.
GREAT WHITE WAY
July 22nd, 2014
Olympic gold medalist Ian Thorpe is gay…some say they already knew when they saw glitter in the pool.
Christopher Walken will star in NBC’s Peter Pan Live…as the most awkward Lost Boy ever.
Israel and Hamas are considering an Egyptian proposal for a cease-fire…written in vanishing ink.
In West Virginia two women are running for a U.S. Senate seat…the last time two women made history in West Virginia they wore pants.
Two years of exercising, eating healthier food, and training their brains helps ward off Alzheimer’s…and Jenny Craig.
67 giant snails have been seized at LA airport…it must be French smugglers…that’s a lot of escargot.
Trump Entertainment Resorts is laying off workers…now there are more people who can’t afford to buy his ties.
Secret makes an app allowing users to post Facebook messages anonymously…there’s a simpler way to do that…sign up for Facebook under a pen name.
Next month’s super moon will be brighter and larger…a prediction made by men.
A second probe finds more safety lapses at CDC anthrax labs…like show-and-tell sessions.
Friends have more DNA in common than strangers…especially if those friends are F*&K buddies.
Saturday Night Live” cast member Brooks Wheelan has been “fired” from the show…news to those of us who didn’t know he was on the show.
A Tupac Shakur musical is closing after less than two months on Broadway…which is why they call it the The Great White Way.
AFRICAN CARRIER PIGEONS
July 13th, 2014
Germany has won the World Cup…in related news Germany is now importing beer.
The Pope says 8,000 pedophiles are members of the Catholic clergy…it’s easier to get a collar than be collared.
Samsung, the world’s leading cell phone maker, is being undercut by cheap Chinese phones…which will soon be undercut by African carrier pigeons.
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is number one at the box office…they’re rich damn dirty apes.
An observation deck caught fire at Rockefeller Plaza…apparently not everyone is observant.
Citigroup is paying $7 billion to end a probe into the bank’s sales of mortgage-backed bonds…it now has $7 billion less for company parties.
Apple tells China the iPhone i.e. not a threat to security…they know because they’ve been watching.
An eye test may be able to detect Alzheimer’s decades before onset…you’re OK if you remember you have eyes.
Tracy Morgan is suing Walmart over deadly limo crash…soon to be accepted at Walmart…the Tracy Morgan Walmart credit card.
Jersey Shore star JWoww has given birth to a baby girl…who will have no problem doing anything she wants after she’s old enough to watch reruns of the Jersey Shore.
Katherine Heigl reportedly became flustered at a question about whether she’s difficult…point proven.
REAL LEATHER-BOUND BOOKS
June 6th, 2014
Jobs report: Hiring has first four-month clip above 200K since ’90s…in related news…raves are popular…again.
Obama meets with Putin as Russia mends ties with the West…and to compare notes about spying with a former KGB chief.
Jennifer Lopez breaks up with boyfriend Casper Smart…hey Casper…for those lonely nights…keep the photos of her ass.
University of Michigan is building a fake city to test self-driving cars…and yet we still have homeless living in real cities.
Johns Hopkins researchers say letting kids eat dirty is healthy…maybe a degree from a community college isn’t so bad after all.
Actor Jonah Hill made a homophobic slur…when asked for reaction the gay community said, “Who’s Jonah Hill?”
Experts at Harvard confirm a 19th-century book at one of the university’s libraries is bound in human skin…presumably the book is about cannibalism.
A United Airlines passenger denies she said “I kill white people”…what she said was…”I kill white people’s dreams.”
It’s National Donut Day…and National Diabetes Day too.
China spent $145 billion on defense…that’s a lot of karate classes.
Vodafone has published a report detailing how cops, g-men and spies around the world tap into its systems…apparently it involves string and two tin cans.
Apple’s iWatch will have curved OLED touchscreen…so it doesn’t get in the way when you reach for your wallet.