Thoughts from a Mental Ward

REALLY HARD WOOD
March 25th, 2015 by Aaron David Ward

The government is investigating whether Chinese-made laminate sold by Lumber Liquidators has unsafe levels of formaldehyde…I’ve always felt hard wood flooring looks even better while you’re lying prone.

Zayn Malik quit One Direction’s current world tour…this explains why every 16-year-old American girl is upset…this week.

The Princeton Review misquoted lyrics from a Taylor Swift song…misquoting is bad enough, but the fact that a Taylor Swift song made it into the Princeton Review in the first place is even worse.

Thieves stole an ATM and $10,000 from The Comedy Store in LA…maybe it’s just a joke.

Mad Men’s Jon Hamm finished alcohol rehab…and will soon star in a new reality show about alcoholic actors called Ex-Mad Men.

The X-Files is returning with its original stars…it’s working title is “We Really Need The Cash.”

50 years ago an astronaut smuggled a sandwich into space…hope it wasn’t peanut butter and jelly and he ran out of Tang.

Boeing has snagged a patent for Star Wars-style “force field” technology…presumably it will allow passengers to drown out the sound of crying babies on flights.

Google is working on a way to let you pay bills using Gmail…depending on what kind of spam you get, someone unofficial probably already offered you that option.

Ford is recalling 221,000 trucks and sUVs…apparently because it can’t recall how to build them without problems.

A 2016 Chevrolet Malibu hybrid will get 45 mpg…you can get that know if you hook your Malibu to a Mack truck.


HIGHLY ADDICTIVE PANTS
February 26th, 2015 by Aaron David Ward

Washington DC is legalizing pot…but corruption is still illegal (wink, wink).

The Senate Judiciary Committee voted to approve Loretta Lynch as Attorney General…I love her singing.

A nasty intestinal bug sickens nearly twice as many Americans each year as was previously thought…great news for makers of barf bags.

Sleeping for more than eight hours per day can increase the risk of stroke…which can put you in a bed where you sleep for more than 8 hours a day.

Human head transplants are coming soon…but will my pants still fit?

A study confirms highly-processed foods are addictive…and so are stories about highly-addictive foods.

Heart failure patients who struggle with daily tasks are more likely to be hospitalized and die early…the good news is at least someone else is tying your shoes.

Medical costs are the biggest unknown factor in retirement planning…along with where to hire a reliable hot nurse for spounge baths.

Cappuccinos and other foam-laden coffee drinks are less prone to spillage than a plain cup of brew…because everyone knows if you drop a foam-laden beverage you’re out your wallet and pocketbook.


GOING GANGSTA
February 18th, 2015 by Aaron David Ward

Jeb Bush says “He’s his own man”…but be sure to remember that last name.

The Fed appears unlikely to raise interest rates…because like drug addicts it’s addicted to zeros.

University of California is postponing a tuition hike…until Spring Break.

An anti-pot group is suing Colorado in federal court over its marijuana laws…and we call that group…the feds.

Ride-hailing startup Uber is looking to bank an additional $1 billion…it’ll need it for legal defense as the cab companies keep sharpening their legal knives.

Vanilla Ice is charged with grand theft in burglary…finally, after all these years he’s really gone gangsta.

Sea snails make nature’s strongest material…no wonder a walk on the beach hurts.

Little Caesars’ new pizza is wrapped in 3-and-a-half feet of bacon…it comes complete with a portable defibrillator.

Lindsay Lohan might go back to jail for not doing community service…she’s out of jail?

There’s a new Alien movie in the works…this time it runs around in its underwear.

A potential new vaccine blocks all known strains of HIV…it locks your underwear.

Global progress against obesity is reportedly “unacceptably slow”…apparently it too is out of breath.

A drug may help people gradually quit smoking…its called poverty.

Bodybuilders are buying human breast milk…which explains why some gyms now feature Baby Gap.

Data is lacking to support childhood naps above the age of 2…apparently the researchers are napping.


TOO MUCH MACBETH
January 11th, 2015 by Aaron David Ward

The White House has announced an anti-violence summit…so that’s what politicians call a meeting with the CIA.

A million people are marching in Paris…sure hope they all showered.

Fourth graders in an upstate NY school district are accused of planning to kill a teacher using hand sanitizer…they’ve been reading too much Macbeth.

The U.S. unemployment rate declined to 5.6% in December…making the U.S. government the most successful magician since David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty vanish.

Taken 3 is tops at the box office…if you’re willing to be Taken a 3rd time by the same plot as 1 and 2.

Katy Perry will headline the Super Bowl…maybe we’ll get some on purpose wardrobe malfunctions.

The CDC warns it’s going to be a bad flu season…much to the delight of facial tissue makers.

A study finds people with a good attitude generally have good heart health…what a crock…excuse me while I have my heart attack now.

George Zimmerman has been arrested for throwing a wine bottle at his girlfriend…maybe she was wearing a hoodie.

5 people were shot at a Chris Brown show…an expression you would never hear uttered at a Kenny G concert.

The Ohio EPA says no dangerous contaminants were released in to the air by an explosion at an Ohio oil refinery…with the exception of media panic.

Parts of New Jersey are booming as a result of business incentives…like fast food chains around the Governor’s office.


TUBULAR
January 7th, 2015 by Aaron David Ward

The Republicans have taken over Congress…there are peanut shells everywhere.

A time capsule from 1795 at a Boston museum includes coins, newspapers, and a ratty “I Hate New York” t-shirt.

Intel is pledging to spend $300 million to hire women and minorities…apparently what’s inside really does count.

California has broken ground on a bullet train…or if you’re from LA a really super fast shining tubular thing.

Jeb Bush has created a Political Action Committee…also known as the CIA.

Futuristic smart gadgets will likely grab so much data they will develop a “deeply personal” picture of every consumer…I’ll hold on the ass phone.

Nicholas Sparks and his wife have split after 25 years together…judging a book by its cover apparently The Last Song is autobiographical.

Sony CEO sees no major financial impact from the hacking…most of that info people already knew from third world websites.

A report finds alcohol poisoning kills 6 Americans daily…but makes for really good parties for at least 4 others every day.

A study finds a diet rich in whole grains might extend your life…but you’ll spend more of it on the toilet.

A drug for bladder problems may help control weight…there’s already a drug for bladder problems that controls your weight…booze.

Covering your nose may ward off colds…and hide unsightly hair.


POT CALLS THE KETTLE BLACK & BLUE
December 10th, 2014 by Aaron David Ward

The CIA claims torture yielded a Home Depot-sized trove of intelligence…for those of us who are mechanically-disinclined…spending time in Home Depot is torture.

Afghanistan and Germany both condemed American torture…that’s the pot calling the kettle black-and-blue.

David Letterman is retiring on Wednesday, May 20th…given that he could still make millions more…it might be a Stupid Human Trick.

Poland has admitted the U.S. used a black site prison to torture suspected terrorists…Polish authorities thought the CIA was training suspected terrorists how to repair pools.

Students at medical schools around the U.S. are planning “die-in” protests…given the state of our healthcare system it’s possible to really “die-in” a hospital.

Oil is at a 5-year low…oil is so cheap, bottled water is more expensive than gas.

Instagram has more users than Twitter…photos are more popular than words…and soon we’ll once again live in caves.

It looks like Pirate Bay, known as ‘the world’s most notorious file-sharing site,’ is on its last legs…or at least its last peg leg.

Researchers believe the critically-endangered porpoise could be extinct in four years…remember kids, the porpoise has a purpose.

Sony plans a 21 Jump Street and Men in Black crossover…I always suspected Channing Tatum was an alien.

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SANITIZED LAND
December 5th, 2014 by Aaron David Ward

China’s leaders had their ex-domestic security chief arrested and booted from the Communist Party…what a favor!

The flu is increasing in Central Florida…time to open a new theme park “Sanitized Land.”

The President has nominated Ashton Carter as Defense Secretary…a man whose name sounds like he should design handbags.

A typhoon is descending on the Philippines…while here in America people panic over forecasts of rain.

It took 22 people to approve a tweet from Mitt Romney…and don’t ask how many it took to screw in a light bulb so they could tweet.

America added the most new jobs in nearly 3 years…so that’s like 1.

Consumer credit in America increased less than forecast in October…so you can un-credit the forecast.

Bill Cosby’s Hollywood Walk of Fame star has been vandalized…I’m guessing that wasn’t pudding.

Electric eels can ‘remote control’ their prey…presumably it’s just the males.

A study finds obesity can take 8 years off your life…but those are a really enjoyable 8 years, especially if you swim in pudding.

Khloé Kardashian and French Montana have split…at first I thought this was a report of a Kardashian being thrown out of a country.

Mark Wahlberg is looking to get a 26-year-old assault rap and other convictions wiped from his record…but never asked for Marky Mark records to be burned.


AMERICAN PSYCHO 2
October 15th, 2014 by Aaron David Ward

The President canceled a trip to monitor Ebola…even he doesn’t want to fly.

Apple is unveiling new iPads…the ones you wear to blow whoever you need to blow to afford another expensive toy.

Wrongly imprisoned for 29 years, a man goes free in Brooklyn…which is like still being in prison.

Netflix shares plunge…that’s not surprising…some of their “new” movies are 30 years old.

Neil Patrick Harris will host the Academy Awards…expect a lot of show tunes.

Ancient kangaroos walked instead of hopped…but changed because hopping is cooler.

An Australian study questions gradual weight loss as the best approach…apparently the key is chugging Fosters.

Christian Bale is in talks to play Apple Founder Steve Jobs…or as it’s known in Hollywood circles American Psycho 2.

Bono is apologizing for U2’s free iTunes album…that’s how you know we live in a screwed up world.

All 10 seasons of Friends are coming to Netflix…which is likely considered “new” for Netflix.

The American owner of a wildlife park in Mexico was killed by a camel…and it was not a cigarette.

Will.i.am is hawking a new smart watch…when you are more known for technology than music it’s time to change careers.

Toyota is recalling more than 1.6 million vehicles for faulty brakes…then again many of those driving Toyotas barely get them over 30 miles an hour so they can break with their feet.

Honda is accused of not reporting all air bag incidents…then again some of its cars are so small they have sandwich bags.


3D PRINTING – 2D CASH
September 2nd, 2014 by Aaron David Ward

Justin Bieber was charged with assault and dangerous driving in Canada…which is like being charged with a speeding ticket in America.

When yet another celebrity’s nude pics become news…it’s no longer news.

The CDC’s director is calling for a worldwide effort to stop Ebola…collective the entire world is being asked to not turn it’s head and not cough.

Russia is calling on the US to push Ukraine into halting its military campaign…which is like asking the Devil to stop making hell so hot.

The British parents who pulled their son from a cancer ward won’t be charged…at least the cancer at government is kept at bay.

32 felons have escaped from a Nashville juvenile jail…they should be easy to find just scour the area monster truck rallies.

U.S. manufacturing expansion increased in August…if you count movies and weapons as the chief manufactured goods.

Mobile device makers are introducing a steady stream of smart watches…in hopes dumb consumers will pay even more money to tell time.

A study finds a low-carb diet beats a low-fat diet for weight loss…and taste.

A study finds most Americans are eating better foods except the poor…who are hoping to eat the rich.

A Russian mission to learn about the sex life of geckos in orbit took a bad turn…when they decided to learn about the sex life of geckos.

NASA has successfully tested a rocket engine injector, produced with 3D-printing…and presumably a lot of 2D cash.

875 square miles of Lake Michigan could become a marine sanctuary…as opposed to a graveyard for the Detroit mob.


MUSTACHES & MEMBERS’ ONLY JACKETS
August 28th, 2014 by Aaron David Ward

Emma Stone has a new Bob haircut…meanwhile somewhere in America a guy named Bob is getting an Emma cut.

The Sopranos creator has revealed Tony’s fate…yawn.

The new Survivor cast includes a gay couple…but progress won’t be made until interior decorating TV shows include straight couples.

Brad Patt and Angelina Jolie are now married…presumably they both have new movies coming up.

Hello Kitty has never been a cat…the creator is now working on shapes and colors.

Six Flags has unveiled new Batman and Justice League rides…you read the comic books while floating in a swan boat on a lazy river.

Pop singer Redfoo was hit with a glass at an Australian pub…if you are as a hip as me you are thinking, “Who?”

A 2,700-year-old Phoenician shipwreck has been discovered…which is how Hollywood refers to casting older actresses.

Enthusiasts are gearing up for a Corvette reunion…by waxing their mustaches and having their Member’s Only jackets dry cleaned.

Ebola cases could top 20,000…to the delight of pharmaceutical company executives.

Canadian scientists are raising fish to walk on land…exactly how long are those Canadian winters?

The world’s oldest wine cellar is from 1600 BC…the wine must be dry…really, really dry.

Chinese scientists think they have come up with a way to get from Shanghai to San Francisco in about an hour and a half…mushrooms.

Burning garbage has worse health effects than previously thought…apparently all that burning garage made it tough to think.