Thoughts from a Mental Ward

EGG FOO YOUNG IN THE WIND
April 15th, 2014 by Aaron David Ward

Earth’s shadow eclipsed the moon around 1am on Tuesday…or it was practice for magician David Cooperfield.

Ukraine’s leader says An “anti-terrorist operation” is under way against pro-Russia protesters…or as it’s known in Kiev…Tuesday.

Guinea’s health ministry says deaths from its recent Ebola outbreak have slowed…in related news vacation homes in Guinea can be had at a bargain.

Former Italian Premeier Silvio Berlusconi must perform community service as a result of a tax-fraud conviction…Berlusconi argued he’s already performing community service by bedding beautiful Italian women.

Legal experts claim Oscar Pistorius’ testimony may have tripped up his defense…leave it to the media to use the expression “tripped up”…they are so sensitive.

India court recognises transgender people as third gender…once again India is ahead of the US…also because they own a lot of gold.

Fed Head Janet Yellen says the Federal Reserve is considering tougher rules for big banks…like they actually have to act like a bank instead of drunk gamblers.

Experts claim accelerting inflation is a sign of an improving US economy…not the sign of a country that prints money like a deranged counterfitter.

U.S. home builders remained downbeat in April…April showers bring depressed contractors.

Google is considering tiny cameras for contact lenses…now instead of worry about dry eyes you’ll have to worry about porn eyes.

Donald Trump says he’s committed to buying and keeping the Bills in Western New York…and by Western New York, he means Ohio.


FINDERS KEEPERS
March 4th, 2014 by Aaron David Ward

Shell plans to sell its minority interest in an Australian gas field…apparently what’s “down under” isn’t worth as much as previously thought.

Chocolate, wine, and berries may protect against type 2 diabetes…and against a “dull” life.

A neurologist claims smoking during pregnancy can make babies gay…the old false oral-fixation theory.

Dozens of passengers have contracted a stomach illness on a Royal Carribbean ship…cruise lines need to become more Italian and wrap everything in plastic.

Ukraine-Russia tensions ease…if you believe that then Putin has a bridge he’s like to put you under.

The Secretary of State makes a show of support for Kiev, and against Putin…all Americans heard was “a secretary likes pudding.”

Flexcoin says it lost $600,000 worth of bitcoins to hackers…the future was, is, and apparently will be in plastics.

General Motors’s CEO says she’s personally directing the recall of 1.37 million GM cars…cause they make a weird noise she can’t really describe.

RadioShack is closing stores…not hard to believe since it’s 2014 and your store is still called RadioShack.

Tesla Motors plans to open 30 service centers and stores…it might better open banks willing to loan money to buy Teslas.

The New York Times has printed a correction to a 160-year-old story…and people still wondering why newspapers are dying.


SPIDER SPIDER ON THE WALL
January 20th, 2014 by Aaron David Ward

Target admits a number of gift cards sold during the holidays were not properly activated…their faces now match their uniform shirts.

North Dakota pitches itself as a utopia for drones…the NSA will have plenty of photos of wheat.

Britain’s Prince William will attend a 10-week agriculture management…to better learn how to govern the unwashed masses.

Russians seeking black widows as possible Olympic Games threat…who knew the Russkies were so afraid of spiders.

The President says pot is no more dangerous than alcohol…which begs the question…did he inhale or exhale or do neither?

Google has yanked two Chrome extensions for invasive ads…that either sounds pornographic…or like a medical procedure.

A study claims multivitamins and supplements are a waste of money…but hospitalization for malnutrition and related illnesses is apparently “sound” spending.

The Universe’s “cosmic web” is visualized for the first time…by sober people…it’s typically visualized by those on mushrooms.

One Direction singer Liam Payne faces a backlash for supporting “Duck Dynasty”…but skates free for being part of One Direction.

123456 is officially the worst password of 2013…second worst password…654321.

A study of trust in business and in government finds trust in government fell last year…and hopefully it won’t get up.

The U.S. Postal Service plans to offer mailing services at Staples…the Postal Service is starting to find the “easy” button.


MEET THE NEW YEAR; SAME AS THE OLD YEAR
December 31st, 2013 by Aaron David Ward

Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius says she doesn’t anticipate any more delays for the health care law…so you can expect a ton of delays at your doctor…if you still have one.

Apple denies working with the National Security Agency on a backdoor way to hack into iPhones…presumably NSA already has a front door way…take your phone.

World powers and Iran have agreed to start in late January implementing an agreement obliging Tehran to suspend its most sensitive nuclear work…accepting nuclear waste from Fukushima.

MSNBC anchor apologizes for mocking Mitt Romney’s family photo…in related news Mitt Romney to soon own MSNBC.

Sony is rumored to be working with Microsoft on a Windows phone…the size of a TV.

Britney Spears is accused of faking her abs…I didn’t know her abs could sing.

A new product called Tikker is a wristwatch that counts down your life…thankfully virtually no one still wears a watch.

One-third of Americans reject human evolution…mostly those with thick back hair.

A Federal judge has upheld New York’s ban on assault weapons…which will soon include butter knives.

A ‘Sopranos’ actor is now paroled after serving time for attempted burglary…must’ve been “research” for the role.

A Pennsylvania State Trooper is charged with pepper spraying his girlfriend’s son…must be in training to become a bigger douchebag.

US home prices jumped the most in seven years…and by jumped they mean raised a leg…barely.


STOP TEASING THE FRUIT FLIES
December 1st, 2013 by Aaron David Ward

Sexual frustration decreases lifespan in the fruit fly…so stop teasing fruit flies.

The White House claims it’s made “dramatic progress” on the health website…you can now see porn.

The U.S. says its deeply concerned about citizens held in North Korea…it wants them to take notes so they can improve America’s FEMA prison camps.

Some same-sex couples are fighting for the right to divorce…it’s a lawyer’s wet dream.

Retail sales reportedly rose 2.3% as the holiday season is now underway…putting a smile on the faces…of Chinese factory workers.

Chinese manufacturing expanded in November…chances are good your neighborhood has another Dollar Store.

Apple launched is annual Black Friday sale…which is better than launching a Black Apple sale on Monday.

Will Ferrell showed up as Ron Burgundy to co-anchor a newscast in North Dakota…I don’t want to say Hollywood is desperate for movie goers but Miley Cyrus is scheduled to appear on local newscasts’ health segments on twerking.

Researchers find a by-product of cholesterol can fuel breast cancer…and that by-product is known as cup cakes.

The Salvation Army is looking for bell ringers in Maine…must love volunteering, good cheer, and frost bite.


FUNNY FOR YOUR FACE
November 9th, 2013 by Aaron David Ward

A Sampling of Pithy Quips I’ve Posted On Facebook Recently…

Woke up so tired I wobbled downstairs like a Weeble…also so tired my best pop cultural reference is from 1971.

That high-end hotel feeling ends in the parking lot…when you see the same food truck delivering to the hotel and to McDonalds.

Virtually every high-end American hotel plays European-inspired dance music…so at high-end European hotels they must play country-western.

Google Maps always misses a crucial step in the directions…”Use Your GPS Instead.”

Two tea bags Dunkin Donuts? Apparently my voice sounds tired in the drive-thru.

Parked in the “I didn’t know it was going to rain today” spot in the driveway…if only I could levitate.

Green tea in the morning + Coca-Cola in the afternoon…sailor take warning! I think that’s the expression.

Paper towel + old sneaker = best cheap dust mop.

There’s regular time, then there’s Facebook time…5 minutes becomes a half hour and you need Gatorade to keep going.

VH1 Classic is airing an Eagles concert…the drummer is also singing, the lead guitarist is playing a double-necked guitar…I find brushing my teeth and using the facilities at the same time to be the height of my multi-tasking.


7 HABITS OF THE MARGINALLY SUCCESSFUL
October 22nd, 2013 by Aaron David Ward

7 HABITS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The 7 Habits of Marginally Successful People (Most of Us) with Apologies to Stephen Covey.

(1) Try to be proactive, but run out of time.

(2) Begin with the end in mind (the end of our lives usually).

(3) Put first things first, but those things usually don’t help.

(4) Think win-win, but realize life is more like win-lose-win-lose-win-lose.

(5) Seek first to understand and then be understood, but by the wrong people.

(6) Synergize, but batteries are very expensive.

(7) Sharpen the saw, but wind up losing a lot of blood.

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Some of my more topical bits from the last few days…

Hunting and fishing take an incredible amount of patience…or access to C-4.

Published reports claim Uri Geller spied for the CIA…proof? A trail of bugged bent spoons.

Paving company to me, “It’s getting colder now so everyone is trying to get in as many projects as possible.”  Me to paving company, “Would it speed up the process if I paid you in Euros?”

Just received a quote for paving our driveway…we get a discount if we let them dump a few bodies.

Vacuuming seems to spread around dust, dirt, lint, fuzz, and unidentified bugs instead of getting rid of them…I’m now cleaning the carpets with a leaf blower.


FRESH TEA LEAVES
October 9th, 2013 by Aaron David Ward

GRAVITY WELLCongress plans to restore death benefits to families of fallen service members…but refuses to stop the wars leading to their deaths, which is outrageous.

Egyptian officials have launched a campaign to promote Egyptian Islam…call me crazy, but they actually need a campaign for this?

A retired city police officer fired more than 20 rounds into a federal courthouse building in West Virgina…wounding 1 sheep.

House Republicans are eyeing a short-term debt deal…in much the same way a heroin addict eyes a fresh vein.

T-Mobile plans to make it cheaper to make calls while abroad…you know like outside your house.

Fidelity has sold off short-term US government debt…right after receiving that new shipment of tea leaves.

Ilham Aliyev won a third term as president of the oil-producing ex-Soviet republic of Azerbaijan…you lost me at Ilham.

Jos A. Bank tried to buy Men’s Wearhouse for $2.3 billion…apparently Men’s Wearhouse doesn’t like the way Jos.A Bank looks.

Fed Head Ben Bernanke will step down at the end of January when his second term ends…and if he sees his shadow we’ll have at least six more years of money printing.

Kris and Bruce Jenner have split…unfortunately she is still way to close to her ego.

The Jonas Brothers may break up…they can’t they’re attached…literally.

George Clooney denies writing any scene in Gravity…except for the part where he beats the hell out of the space paparazzi.

Justin Timberlake scored his second chart-topping album this year…it’s like in the mirror.

The Yankees have finalized a new contract with manager Joe Girardi…the New York sports media is already preparing vicious copy.

Astronomers say they’ve spotted a lonesome planet without a sun…they know because the planet is really happy.

Scientists claim by 2047, the coldest years may be warmer than the hottest in the past…given the stunning accuracy and precision of weather forecasts, we’ll take that with a grain of saltwater.


BREAKING BAD LESSONS
September 30th, 2013 by Aaron David Ward

Lessons learned from BREAKING BAD IMAGEBreaking Bad…

(1) Chemistry is useful…especially outside the classroom.

(2) The war on drugs wastes time…but makes you feel good…like drugs.

(3) Playing a drug kingpin is a ticket to stardom…it worked for Pacino.

(4) Tying up a hit TV show’s loose ends in the finale makes sense…which is why Hollywood is reluctant to do it.

(5) As an actor topping yourself with an iconic role is difficult…which is why some become birthday clowns.

(6) The money you make from a hit TV show allows you to life well for the rest of your life…unless you are Lindsey Lohan.

(7) Most of us are wondering when the big screen adaptation will arrive in theaters or whether they’ll ever be a reunion movie.

(8) Unlike Dallas in the 80s, there was no dream…just a nightmare.

(9) Being good at woodworking is a dream…for most of us.

(10) Cable TV now beats blockbuster films and network TV for sheer entertainment.

http://www.amctv.com/shows/breaking-bad

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Breaking_Bad

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0903747/

https://www.facebook.com/BreakingBad

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/news/breaking-bad

http://www.salon.com/topic/breaking_bad/

http://breakingbad.wikia.com/wiki/Breaking_Bad_Wiki

https://twitter.com/BreakingBad_AMC

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/10/magazine/the-dark-art-of-breaking-bad.html?pagewanted=all

http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/television/2012/08/27/120827crte_television_nussbaum

http://www.lrb.co.uk/v35/n01/james-meek/its-the-moral-thing-to-do


NOSE ON YOUR FOREHEAD
September 26th, 2013 by Aaron David Ward

Bill Gates says Control-Alt-Delete method was a mistake…just like Windows 7.

In China a man’s new nose is growing on his forehead…which explains why 16 of the top 20 most polluted cities are in China.

Scientists have determined the Earth had oxygen much earlier than previously thought…apparently scientists didn’t have enough oxygen to their brains to figure this out earlier.

The estranged wife of George Zimmerman says she doubts her husband’s innocence in the death of Trayvon Martin…that doesn’t sound like a soon-to-be-ex-wife, at all.

PayPal agreed to pay $800 million for Braintree…$800 million for a tree…PayPal should check its brain.

Jobless claims are expected to decline…by crystal meth addicts.

The U.S. second-quarter growth is pegged at 2.5%…and by pegged we mean sales of pegs are up…and that’s it.

Under a proposed new rule, Army recruits would not be allowed tattoos visible below the elbow or knee or above the neckline…so apparently the Army doesn’t allow anyone to ever be shirtless.

The U.S. Treasury is selling more General Motors common stock…and making personal visits to senior centers touting the new Buick.

President Obama says his Affordable Care Act is about to make health insurance cheaper than the average cellphone bill and as easy to get as “a plane ticket on Kayak”…you think government could do that with the Post Office.

Pending sales of existing homes dropped 1.6% in August…sales of pens are up 1.6% as more people have to sign foreclosures.

A study finds 15% of Americans don’t use the Internet…and we call those people, “happy and well-rested.”

Twitter has launched alerts for emergency broadcasts…like tweet about Lindsey Lohan now.

Michelle Obama’s ID details hacked from data brokers…but investigators knew something was up when the new “Michelle” touted the benefits of eating McDonalds.

Michael J. Fox is back on TV…if only he had returned sooner so we’d have less of Charlie Sheen.

A study finds peanut butter decreases your risk of breast cancer…it just gets really messy putting it on.

A study finds eating fish may not help with memory or thinking skills…primarily because fish can’t talk so they can’t remind you of anything…other than you smell like fish.

A new study finds new moms may be addicted to the smell of their babies…especially after finding hundreds of them huffing infants in back alleys.