Thoughts from a Mental Ward

PLAIN OLE’ FASHIONED NUTS
April 13th, 2009
by Aaron David Ward

Somali pirates are vowing revenge after the Navy Seals killed three pirates and freed an American ship captain. I wonder what the over-under is in Vegas for a proposed special forces versus pirates war?

President Obama silently greeted children lined up for annual White House Easter Egg Roll until he could get the microphone to work. The economy is so bad even the Federal Government’s equipment isn’t working.

Detroit’s Mayor has proposed today laying off nearly 340 city employees to bring spending under control. If I were Mayor, I’d be calling Detroit-born Kid Rock and Eminem to ask if they’d put on a benefit concert. Rap For Recession Relief 2009!

The $787-billion-dollar federal stimulus bill is now funding its 2,000th road project all the while the price of oil is dropping because no one can afford gasoline to drive or the people who were previously driving no longer have to because they’re out of work. Brilliant stimulus! Next week, a federally-funded stimulus package designed to boost sales of banana-seat bicycles.

Experts are wondering whether the new US foreign policy pursued by President Barack Obama will include lifting embargoes against Cuba but we all know those experts are really just cigar aficionados.

Gay rights backers are taking a go-slow approach in trying to overturn Oregon’s 2004 constitutional ban on gay marriage just to make sure it’s environmentally friendly. You know Oregon, everyone and everything must be recyclable.

Never beloved by her own state party, Sarah Palin is under attack from some in the state GOP again. “Among the Republicans’ biggest complaints: Palin has yet to pose for Playboy to get the NASCAR Dads and closeted lesbian soccer moms in her corner.

Tennessee lawmakers and that state’s governor expect the state budget to be the biggest sticking point this year along with what to do with the profits of sales of moonshine.

Shares of General Motors have tumbled on speculation the automaker might be forced to file for bankruptcy. Who wants a new Buick?

Shares of Genworth Financial fell as much as 31% today as investors learned the company is ineligible to participate in the Treasury’s Capital Purchase Plan which ironically would probably cause the company’s share to fall anyway even if it did participate.

Treasuries gained after the Federal Reserve bought $7.37 billion of government securities or as those of us in the know like to call it visiting Mandrake for some magic.

Goldman Sachs plans to buy assets from endowments and pensions stung by losses because after all is said in done Goldman Sachs is about the only solvent company left. And who was in charge of the treasury when the bailout began? That’s right! Good old Hank Paulson of Goldman Sachs. Weird how that happened!

The Energy Department says seasonal gas price hikes may be less this year because more of us are forced to hike.

The storm over bonuses paid to executives of American International Group last year likely hurt taxpayers because the unwinding work of its financial products unit was set back by weeks. Earth to AIG, we were already hurt when $170 billion dollars of our tax money was used to prop up your company.

US car and truck part maker ArvinMeritor has laid off about 250 workers and plans to close two plants. I sure hope truckers are still getting their brakes replaced frequently otherwise I’m driving on the shoulder of every highway.

Google’s share of the Internet search market is more than double that of its two closest competitors and growing. Now wonder they call one of their applications Google Earth. Soon the entire world will be owned by Google and Wal-Mart and once they merge we’ll be shopping and surfing at Goo-Mart.

Hundreds of LGBT book titles were stripped of their sales rank by Amazon.com over the weekend in what the online store is calling a “glitch. Is Jerry Falwell back from the dead and working at Amazon?

Rumor has it the Palm Pre — aka the latest iPhone killer — may launch next month but most folks are probably reading those rumors on their iPhones.

More than 80 percent of IT professionals at major companies say they’re planning to wait more than a year to upgrade to Windows 7. Not surprising since most companies seem intent on cutting jobs the only computer they’ll need is a Commodore 64.

Today’s New York Times has a timely trend piece about the rise of “hyperlocal” news sites–those that aim to create or aggregate news down to the neighborhood or block. In the news today, I woke up and went downstairs for coffee.

Google has decided against bending to a South Korean law that could require it to hand over to the government the identity of people who upload videos to YouTube Korea. Better be careful, the mad missile launcher in North Korea isn’t that far away.

One of the two co-creators of Dungeons and Dragons has died sending shockwaves through basement-dwelling 40-year-olds who live with their moms. I should know I was almost one of them.

Reports suggest Russian and American astronauts are arguing over food aboard the International Space Station. Someone apparently has been letting a nearly empty carton of Tang float around.

Microsoft has sold more than 90 percent of its advertising to the Discovery Channel for one day to promote the TV series “Deadliest Catch.” The other 10 percent was sold to promote “Catchiest Dead.”

Scientists have discovered strong new evidence that female mammals, including women, are not born with all the eggs they will ever have. They’ve scoured grocery stores all over the planet and discovered women buy eggs too.

The surgeon who led the country’s second-ever face transplant operation said that he and his team are “cautiously optimistic” over the recovery of the patient who underwent surgery Thursday. The first-ever face transplant is 50 years old and he’s planning a string of 50 farewell concerts in London.

The AP quoted hospital officials who say a healthcare worker in Chicago may have unknowingly exposed patients and staff in three hospitals to tuberculosis. If you’re a patient in the windy city, I’d avoid getting treated by Doc Holliday.

Democrats want an insurance program financed by taxpayers, managed by government, and open to everyone, much like Medicare. If this passes, Uncle Sam will take your money thus increasing your stress so you’ll develop health problems that he’ll treat using our tax money.

The Harris Teeter supermarket chain is recalling its store-brand pistachios because of potential salmonella contamination. Who’s inspecting these nut makers? Pauley Wallnuts?

Less than 70 percent of Massachusetts residents have their own end-of-life health care wishes documented but nearly 100 percent privately want some of their money to go to the Red Sox.

Researchers may be able to get your body to develop brown fat to help burn calories and fight obesity. Fat fights fat? Next week smoking fights cancer!

A recent study finds a bias in favor of male offspring has left China with 32 million more boys under the age of 20 than girls. And now China is dealing with an outbreak of chronic masturbation.

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