President Obama plans to spell out details of a financial stability program so everyone clearly understands how the government is screwing us.
A NASA satellite designed to study carbon emissions recently went down off the coast of Antarctica but with a little reprogramming maybe they can get it to study fish, polar bears, and sea urchins.
Academy Award-winning actor George Clooney met with the President to discuss the humanitarian crisis in Sudan because even Obama needs help from Batman.
A 24-year-old teacher from Holyoke, Massachusetts, is in custody after cops say she left town with a 15-year-old student. That’s some real long division.
The North Carolina Research Triangle will get nearly $60 million in federal economic stimulus money proving things vanish in triangles outside of Bermuda.
Proposals for how Missouri should spend its share of the $787 billion federal stimulus package have come pouring in including plans to design the world’s largest velvet Elvis.
New Jersey is considering a law that would allow the use of medical marijuana. As soon as it passes they’ll be an explosion of teen glaucoma cases. Besides they don’t need a law, New Jersey is the Garden State. They’re already growing pot.
Fidelity Investments — the world’s biggest mutual-fund company – says its operating income fell 18 percent last year. So much for high fidelity! More like Muddy Waters.
A senior Democratic senator plans to introduce a bill to end “the extravagant spending practices of US banks” but where is the politician who will introduce a bill to end the extravagant spending practice of the US government? No where to be found!
Heinz has posted a quarterly profit that topped expectations. In a depression the only food people can afford are ketchup sandwiches so we should expect Heinz to do rather well this year.
Macy’s says its fourth-quarter net profit dropped 59%. Too bad its prices didn’t. You ever tried to find something reasonable priced in that store? I might be able to afford some irregular socks off a mannequin.
The largest US credit card company by purchases is offering select members a $300 gift card to drop its card. They better get ready for a huge influx of new card holders and equally outrageous number of exiting customers too! I’d join and cancel just for the $300.
Microsoft is predicting a dismal fiscal year. Suddenly the view from Windows is clouds and rain. Get an Apple; it’ll keep the psychologist away!
Office Depot posted a $1.5 billion quarterly loss because people are no using Elmer’s glue instead of staples to keep papers together.
The Conference Board’s Consumer Confidence Index plunged to 25 in February while the John Doe Consumer Pessimistic Index is off the charts.
Federal Reserve Board chairman Ben Bernanke says other programs have jumped ahead of the idea of the central bank buying longer-term Treasury notes and bonds like the idea of financial bondage and slavery. Just plan to work forever and hand all of your money over to the government.
A survey of US smartphone users who installed applications on their mobile devices in 2008 reveals that a surprising 16.5 percent spent between US$100 and $499. And a not-so-surprising 83.5 percent got them for free from pirate websites.
Cable and satellite TV providers are working on a free online video service to deliver up-to-date cable shows to computers and mobile phones so now drivers will be distracted by conversations and shows! It’s multi-tasking at its worst.
Symantec has discovered vulnerability in Adobe Acrobat Reader that can be exploited by specially targeted Trojans. Now we need cyber-condoms.
US viewing figures for this year’s freshened-up Oscars show were up four million on the record low of 2008 because when the economy is in the tank millions of Americans would rather watch selfish, self-absorbed, self-centered, egomaniacal, megalomaniacal, self-congratulatory scum glad hand each other.
Spider-Man will open on Broadway next year marking the true end of theatrical creativity. Where’s Doc Oc when you need him?
Melrose Place is coming back to TV proving the boob tube has no fresh ideas either thus keeping Heather Locklear’s career on track.
Health spending will hit $2.5 trillion this year, devouring 17.6 percent of the economy. There’s clearly no obesity epidemic when it comes to our wallets and pocketbooks. Everyone’s is real thin.
Anger and other strong emotions can trigger potentially deadly heart rhythms in certain vulnerable people but I bet it’s not in the people we wish bought the farm when they blew their tops. Those bastards live forever.
Regular consumption of calcium appears to cut the risk of developing colon cancer or other tumors of the digestive system. Great first it was …don’t each cheese because it could cause a heart attack and now it’s…eat cheese so your butt doesn’t fall apart.
Vitamin D may protect people — especially those with asthma and other chronic lung conditions — from colds and other respiratory tract infections. Tanning bed here I come!
A trendy pedicure that lets fish nibble dead skin from the feet has been nipped in the bud by Florida regulators. Where are these high-brow salons in the sunshine state, Seaworld?