Thoughts from a Mental Ward

ALL THE NEWS ABOUT WHICH TO BE AMUSED
November 12th, 2008
by Aaron David Ward

A woman who authorities said once tried to become a contestant on American Idol was found dead outside the Sherman Oaks home of “Idol” judge Paula Abdul in a case police are investigating as a possible suicide.

Does anyone know the whereabouts of Simon?

Lindsay Lohan recently referred to president-elect Barack Obama as colored while promoting her latest talking picture.

Actor Jesse Metcalfe of Desperate Housewives fame was knocked unconscious when he fell from a second-story balcony in Monaco where he was helping host the World Music Awards.

I can’t wait to hear about the after party!

Police are investigating battery allegations against Emmy-winning actor Brad Garrett in an incident involving a photographer in West Hollywood.

Everybody loves Raymond but Robert not so much.

The Treasury Dept is now steering away from the original plan of buying questionable mortgage-related securities to throwing money out the window in hopes it will help someone somewhere sometime.

The House will convene next week to vote on a plan to provide emergency cash to the nation’s battered automobile industry because the idiots failed to realize no one really needs a 5,000-pound SUV to shop at the mall.

Crude oil fell to a 21-month low on speculation that the International Energy Agency will cut its global demand estimate and the US will report that stockpiles gained. Who needs gas when you don’t have a job?

US Representative Henry Waxman plans to question the world’s richest hedge-fund managers about their role in the global markets selloff, which is akin to quizzing the foxes about their role in chicken slaughters.

JP Morgan Chase says the US recession “could be worse” than the credit-market crisis that brought lending to a standstill.

Gee, you think?

What good is all that Treasury money if no one is willing to borrow or lend!

IBM says it reached a deal to provide high-speed Internet service to rural areas using exiting power lines, string, and two tin cans.

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