Thoughts from a Mental Ward

SHAKEN NOT STIRRED
April 20th, 2010
by Aaron David Ward

Some planes are taking off from European airports despite another volcanic ash cloud looming…some pilots must be ash goggling.

Supreme Court Justice Stevens is 90…only a Supreme Court Justice works longer than the Rolling Stones.

China says it wants to talk more with Iran about Iran’s nuclear program…while it whispers in Iran’s ear…”don’t let the US bully you.”

Google has renamed its Local Business Center and now calls it Google Places…which I thought already encompassed the entire Internet.

Health-care giant Johnson & Johnson reported a 29% increase in 1st-quarter profit…no need for Band-Aids on its balance sheet.

Kate Gosselin is taking a ton of criticism of her performances on Dancing With The Stars…she’s playing the role Jon used to play on her show.

The production of the next James Bond film has been suspended “indefinitely”…now the fans are shaken…not stirred.

Doctors say indoor tanning may be addictive…which means government will try to ban it…soon you’ll only get to tan outside…but they’ll probably try to tax that too.

A federal panel says the FDA should regulate salt content in foods…by rubbing government intervention into the open wounds of liberty-lovers.

This year the singles champions at Wimbledon will each pocket a cool £1 million…more if they could license the audio of grunting and groaning on the court to porn producers.

Rep. Eric Cantor, the 2nd-ranking Republican leader in the House endorsed Tea Party candidate Marco Rubio…the GOP is clinging to the Tea Party like tea leaves in a bag.

Coca-Cola’s 1st-quarter profit rose 20% bolstered by sales in Latin America…easy to have a coke and a smile with T & A on display at carnival in Brazil.

Oprah says she will never take a paternity ID test to see if a man claiming to be her father is really her dad…sounds more like a show for Jerry Springer.

Tiger Woods’ wife and children have reportedly flown to Sweden with Tiger…that tells you how much their marriage must suck…she’s willing to fly into an ash cloud to get away from him.

The son of actor Michael Douglas, Cameron Douglas, is due to be sentenced for dealing meth and coke…greed is not always good.

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