Thoughts from a Mental Ward

JESSE THE NEW TIGER
March 25th, 2010
by Aaron David Ward

American campaigners for clergy sex abuse victims were recently held after protesting at the Vatican…the truth shall set you free…eventually.

Irish singer Sinead O’Connor says the pope should be investigated…to see if he can remember who she is.

Osama bin Laden threatened al Qaeda would kill American prisoners if Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is put to death…or if they’re bored.

The US and Israel have failed to resolve a dispute over Israeli settlement building…Israel didn’t even ask the US for its opinions on carpet swatches.

A measure to legalize marijuana in California will appear on the ballot in November…polling stations better add couches.

The second largest mobile phone company in China has dropped Google…but has probably replaced it with some faux service called goggles.

Federal Head Bernanke says the US economy still needs record-low interest rates…he’s like the big bad wolf…always huffing and puffing…in hopes of inflating a bubble.

Cops say a 25-year-old unemployed Frenchman hacked the Twitter accounts of the President and Britney Spears…making them interesting.

Unemployment claims dropped for the 3rd time in 4 weeks…the American dream is now measured in weeks not years.

The Pentagon is easing its “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy toward gays in the military…now only if it would ease its policy on unnecessary wars and bring home the troops.

A study finds the swine flu virus is related to the 1918 pandemic flu virus…talk about friends in low places.

Researchers say China is experiencing a diabetes epidemic…they really are embracing Western values.

Contact lenses loaded with Vitamin E might help treat glaucoma…or make your eyes really, really, really soft.

A 3rd woman claims to have had an affair with Sandra Bullock’s husband Jesse James…Jesse sounds like the new Tiger.

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