Republican VP candidate Paul Ryan warned crowds in Florida of rationing under the Obama Medicare plan…half the crowd thought he said they’ll get rashes if they care for Obama.

Russia sentenced members of a punk music band Pussy Riot to two years in jail…where there’s likely to be a Pussy Riot.

The President wants Congress to release money to stop teacher layoffs…or he’ll make them write 1,000 times we’ll spend more money than we have…again.

Julian Assange plans to take Britain to the World Court…where he’ll get screwed…on a bigger stage.

Unemployment rates are rising in US election swing states…where voters are ready to swing…out of town.

Treasuries dropped their fastest since 2010…a sign economic growth is accelerating…or the only people who have any faith in the US government are wearing foil hats.

Scientists are one step closer to a birth control pill for men…but that already exists…it’s called a sock.

Health officials are blaming cantaloupe for a salmonella outbreak…this just in…french fries are healthy.

Corn retreats from record high…the start of every great romance novel.

Rumor has it the Spice Girls will reunite at the London Olympics’ closing ceremonies…they’ll need rub downs…from all that lip syncing.

The CDC is warning of a new swine flu…all flus are swine.

A study finds the benefits of cholesterol-cutting drugs outweigh the risk of developing diabetes…as long as you have your feet.

Researchers have developed a mesh worm robot…just like scientists to make a gadget that operates like men.

American Dana Vollmer set a world record in the 100 fly…most Americans watching set records in 100 fly paper.

Dark Knight Rises raked in more than $64 million this past weekend…I think I’ll just wait until it comes out on DVD.

Ugandan officials are facing an Ebola outbreak…Africa can’t catch a PR break but does catch its fair share of nose bleeds.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar has remarried…not saved by wedding bells.

The global AIDS conference is wrapping up…there go condom sales.

Norway banned Snoop Dog over pot possession…and not his music…Europeans have no taste.

GOP Presidential Hopeful Mitt Romney talked tough on Iran while visiting Israel…he’s reading from the neo-con playbook…again.

U.S. economic growth slowed as consumers keep spending in check…except for beer and lap dances…everything else has gone to the dogs.