Secret Service records show 64 allegations of sexual misconduct…which explains why it’s called the Secret…Service.

In his most recent campaign speech, Mitt Romney slammed the President and teachers unions…I hope he used protection.

In a graduation speech, the President said the world has a “new feeling about America”…they hate it more than ever.

An Iowa man was arrested for DUI while driving around with a zebra and a parrot…so cops nabbed Captain Morgan?

The movie premier of G.I. Joe: Retaliation has been pushed to 2013 and will become a 3D film…let’s hope the acting is 3D too.

Snooki is expecting a baby boy…as soon as he gets to school age she’ll have to learn how to read.

Jersey Shore’s Situation used to abuse painkillers…ironically the show makes me reach for painkillers too.

Howard Stern made a 7-year-old boy cry on America’s Got Talent…because Stern still is a 7-year-old boy.

Stem cells curb chronic pain in mice…except for one pain…an ache for cheese.

Laundry detergent pods are reportedly poisoning kids…that’s one way to clean a child…stick him or her right in the washer.

Colin Powell says he supports gay marriage…then again he lied about Iraq’s alleged WMDs…so take it with a grain of salt.

The Big Bang Theory’s Jim Parsons says he’s gay…but is still in the closet about being a dork.

Donna Summer has died…now disco is officially dead.

More than half of American births now come from minorities…bye bye crackers.

Greeks are pulling cash out of banks faster than Americans are buying Greek yogurt.

Mitt Romney and the GOP raised $40 million in April…mostly for Mitt’s hair care products.

Jennifer Lopez is leaving American Idol…leaving a big seat to fill…literally.

A high sugar diet reportedly makes you stupid…which explains why people keep drinking Coke.

“Good” cholesterol may not be as good as thought…enjoy your cake.

A “ring of fire” solar eclipse is coming Sunday…now about those end of the world predictions.

Bobby Brown debuted a new song “Don’t Let Me Die”…ironic since his career has been dead since 1989.

A North Carolina poll finds more blacks support gay marriage…just as long as you’re on the DL.

Vermont will share in a settlement with footwear company Skeechers over unsubstantiated health claims about the shoes…no word on the unsubstantiated fashion claims.

A teen in Michigan found part of a finger in his Arby’s sandwich…no extra charge.

NASA says 4,700 potentially dangerous asteroids lurk near Earth…some appear on Dancing With The Stars.

Lightning struck the new French President’s plane…even Mother Nature doesn’t like the French.

The FBI is investigating JP Morgan Chase…they’d have an easier time investigating Las Vegas.

Facebook says it is “enhancing transparency” in their data use policy…probably the transparency they provide their corporate partners not users.

A gay prosecutor has been denied a judgeship in Virginia…they must have a strict no rainbow-colored robe policy.

A Miami-Dade fire captain has been demoted after ranting about the Trayvon Martin case…the Constitution is almost completed burned now.

The federal government has announced a new strategy to fight Alzheimer’s…it will continue to deny FOIL requests in hopes citizens develop the disease.

Americans are spending slightly more now that gas prices have fallen…mostly on booze trying to forget how bad gas prices still are.

A CFO has lost his job over Facebook and Twitter postings…it’s called the world wide web for a reason…a lot of people are snared in it.

Lady Gaga has been refused a permit to perform in Indonesia…not even Oprah can fix this one.

A new report claims consumption of the Earth’s resources is unsustainable…much like worrying about sustainability.

Marijuana may relieve multiple sclerosis symptoms…so expect a new crop of “MS patients” to start buying pot.

European stocks sunk…faster than the hearts of the French when boatloads of Americans visit Paris.

An Afghan Peace Council member has been killed…if he only were a terrorist, he would’ve lived longer…with CIA protection.

Greek government talks turn ugly…like a Yanni look-a-like contest.

Facebook’s mobile future is all about advertising…your private info.

California’s budget deficit has swelled to $16 billion…the only thing more bloated in California are the egos.

States across the country are stiffening penalties for domestic violence assaults that involve attempts to strangle someone…but if you use a candlestick in the library…you’re OK.

Researchers are tracking manta rays with satellites…making it time for a manta ray privacy protection law.

A FDA panel is backing the first pill to block HIV…roofies…take some…and you forget you’re at risk.

How do you know the marriage between Russell Brand and Katy Perry is really over? He stopped following her on Twitter.

Scientists are recreating a beer from an 1840′s shipwreck…presumably it will takes like sea water, gold coins, and scurvy.

Chinese scientists have developed advanced teleportation technology…so maybe there are not really a billion of them…they just move around a lot.

A science and learning center has reopened at Mount St. Helens…I thought Mt. St. Helens was a science and learning center…don’t stand too close.

Scientists have developed a way to measure sand movement on Mars…all this technological innovation and we’re crowing about an hour glass.

May is mental health awareness month…at least that’s what the voices in my head tell me.

JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon admits mistakes triggered a trading loss of at least $2 billion…and we call that mistake…greed.

The Dow dropped the most thus far in 2012…the only thing lower…American confidence…in anything.

Republican presidential front runner Mitt Romney will deliver the commencement address at Virginia’s Liberty University…the closest Romney will come to endorsing liberty…ever.

China has denied preparing for war over a row in the South China Sea…I swear this happened before…oh right…it’s the plot of the Bond film Tomorrow Never Dies.

Betty White is supporting President Obama…because she really needs that Social Security check.

A new study on manta rays is released…they dream of biting human ankles.

An unprecedented Maya mural has been found which contradicts the 2012 “doomsday” myth…or that’s what the aliens want you to think.

John Travolta has been accused of sexual battery by several masseurs…but goes unpunished for Look Who’s Talking.

The latest cover of Time magazine features a picture of a young mother breastfeeding her son…next week an in depth expose on jock itch.

NASA says a huge sunspot that dwarfs the Earth is unleashing a series of powerful solar flares…that must explain the chick who loves to tan.

Enjoy these real Craigslist ad titles and my brief commentary below each one…

One-Legged Entertainer Needed for Party
(Pirates Gone Wild!)

Bricklaying Apprencticeships
(Presumably this involves eating a lot of fiber)

Looking for Someone Who Can Repair Zippers on Handbags & Other Repair
(And by “other repair” they mean black leather gimp masks)

Now Casting 18-35-Year-Old Male – $1,000 Project
(It only involves getting naked on a pony)

Petting Farm
(Don’t mind the man in the trenchcoat)

Double Your Money in 48 hours
(Crack is not wack)

Triple Your Money in 72 hours
(Not to be outdone by ads touting Double Your Money in 48 hours)

Work from Home – Simply Posting Ads
(And those ads are for hookers)

Need Electrician for Odd Jobs
(Like wiring a chair)

Female Bondage Models
(Surprisingly one of the more tame ads on Craigslist)

Need Help on Hot Rod
(You decide whether this involves cars or gay sex)

Pole Parties Plus
(Pole parties sound pretty damn good so I presume the plus is even better or involves butter and latex)