Professional standup comedy performances require certain things…

(1) A somewhat sober audience willing to pay attention and shut up.

(2) A stage indoors, theatrical lighting, and a decent sound system .

(3) Bouncers or club managers to escort hecklers out the door.

Most standup comedians have experienced gigs that lack all three.

About eight or nine years ago, I was asked to perform at a benefit.

Without thinking, I immediately said yes.

Any time I get to do what I love and help others typically turns out well but not this time.

When I arrived at the benefit, I learned the show would take place in the afternoon, outside with no stage, no lighting, and in front of an audience that had been drinking beer for hours in the hot sun.

When it came time for me to take “the stage” which was just the part of the lawn where a microphone stood, I began telling jokes to a one picnic table of about six people.

They were the only audience. And as I delved deeper into my act, a middle-aged drunk woman carrying two empty beer cans wandered up to me, dropped the cans, and grabbed my crotch.

Normally I would have enjoyed this but she had been rode hard and put away wet so this groping was far from enjoyable.

I learned a few lessons that day…

(1) Never agree to a gig until you know the particulars.

(2) If you show up and the conditions will warrant a terrible show, pull the plug.

(3) Wear a cup…at all times.

(4) Sometimes comedians wish they were musicians.

I’m standing in line at Target waiting for the soccer mom in front of me to finish objecting to her bill. She has a coupon on her smart phone and insists the cash register only took a portion of the discount on one article of clothing but not on the rest of the same brand of clothing she is buying.

Of course, I’m patient even though I’d like to shove the smartphone somewhere that’s not so smart but I’m more amused at the stupidity of the entire scenario.

The customer insists she get a discount when the amount of money she’ll save will be less than the monthly bill for her smartphone upon which she has displayed the coupon.

There is something inherently suburban and American about this scene. A suburban soccer mom who’s probably married to a physician, dentists, or other white collar professional is haggling over the price of cheap clothing made in China using a device made in China that costs a fortune to operate.

I understand the principle of getting the most for your money but when the line is backing up behind you and you do nothing to acknowledge it…that smacks of arrogance.

I was simply looking for a “I am sorry for holding up the line” but that moment never came. In the typical American suburbs, self-absorption has been taken to a new level.

No one else and nothing else exists but her.

Target needs a self-checkout line like the supermarket.

Or at least an aisle marked “Impatient Men Aiming To Avoid Annoying Selfish Self-Centered Self-Absorbed Soccer Moms.”

Or at least an app on a smart phone that will scan our merchandise and let us get out of department store hell.

If Albany, New York’s city government appeared as one of the faces on the Comedy/Tragedy Mask…there’s no question it would represent Tragedy.

For those who believe government’s mission is to protect our God-given rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, the joke is on us.

Government thinks its mission is to ban, rule, regulate, bully, tax, steal, lie, cheat, and otherwise interfere and interrupt voluntary exchanges in the private market for its own ends and means.

The blog All Over Albany reports, “The city of Albany says some clubs are violating the city’s zoning ordinance. They’re licensed to operate as restaurants or bars, but not for amplified live entertainment — so, no open mic nights, or comedy with a microphone. They’d need a zoning variance to do that.”

To read the entire article use this link…http://alloveralbany.com/archive/2012/02/07/comedy-karaoke-and-albanys-cabaret-law

And as usual for government, every law, regulation, rule, or statute boils down to a grab for cold hard cash.

Government does not earn money like private citizens and corporations do by providing labor, goods, and services that people want.

Government steals, lies, cheats, and robs private citizens, corporations, and others competing in the private market.

According to All Over Albany “Albany’s Cabaret Law would force clubs to pay annual fees between $300 and $900, depending on how many people the venue can hold. And the proposed law would also allow for a temporary license at a cost of $50 to $100 for up to two dates per year.”

And under the proposed system, the decision to grant the license would move from the zoning board of appeals to the city clerk’s office.

Consolidating government decision making from bodies of citizens into government workers is surely a path to tyranny.

Clearly it’s time to stand up against yet another government power grab and attempt to fleece productive citizens who own clubs of their hard earned income.

George Carlin wrote a famous routine about the seven words you could not say on TV.

Flash forward to 2012 and there are seven words you can no longer say in public…

Life, liberty, happiness, private market, profit, freedom…

without someone labeling you an extremist or a terrorist or simply “unreasonable.”

Government is nothing more than a gang of thieves writ large.

This has what it has come to in 2012…you can enjoy the veal (for now) but not the jokes.

Email Frustrations
A computer server with all the stability of Crispin Glover has delayed and prevented delivery of some of my emails. Unlike the U.S. Post Office, rain, sleet, snow, and dark of night apparently affect some cyberspace traffic. Who knew in 2012 that sometimes the USPS is more reliable than your desktop or that server to which your desktop is linked. Life without email is like heroin withdrawal or so I have been told. The shakes, sweats, and nightmares get worse, at first, until your body and brain have time to adjust. I still find myself hitting send but only 17 times in 10 minutes instead of 27 times in 5 minutes.

Buy and Hold (The Bag)
I started investing in the stock market after 9/11. Little did I know the market peaked in 2000! I regret not buying an extra mattress, gold, guns, food, and a fallout shelter in rural Montana. The stock market seems to have gone nowhere and real estate, Internet ventures, the service industry, and the rest of the economy with it. The 1970s left a lot to be desired in the fashion, automobile, music, and entertainment categories but how I long for those double digit interest rate returns on savings accounts. They would’ve aged far better than platform shoes, glam rock, and men looking like women.

Glenn Beck Is Nuts But Not for the Reasons You Think He Is
Glenn Beck claims to be a champion of liberty but takes every opportunity to bash the real principled champion of liberty Congressman Ron Paul. Glenn Beck claims to be a Christian but seems to have no problem backing an ultra-aggressive U.S. foreign policy in which thousands of military bases remain in nearly 200 countries around the world. Glenn Beck claims lots of things but if you peel away the populist rhetoric, his “new” media operation is the same as the “old” media…just another way for the establishment to maintain the status quo. He really is nuts if he expects you to keep buying that his world view is “alternative” to the tired old re-tread rhetoric you’ve heard a thousand times before.