I’ve turned 40 which seems odd since when I read a newspaper and see the names of people mentioned 40 almost always seems old to me.

I’m about as successful as your average 17-year-old which is to say I’m still finding my way in the world and wondering why everything I want has yet to be served to me on a silver platter.

My teachers always told us we were going to be the first generation of Americans to do worse than our parents.

I’ve never owned a new car, only could afford to buy a home at 35, and have nowhere near the income or the savings of baby boomers. Apparently my teachers were right or they purposely set out to ensure we would embrace a self-fulfilling philosophy of failure or mediocrity.

My doctor said he had no plans to examine my prostate since there is no family history of singers who love show tunes.

My wife is 12 years younger than me so she keeps me young. When she was in kindergarten learning to glue macaroni to a plate I was a freshman in college studying communications and learning to glue macaroni to a plate.

In my 40 years on the planet I remember…

my parents taking me on adventures in the house because we couldn’t afford to vacation.
my mother making Halloween costumes out of oaktag and construction paper.
putting a boom box close to the TV speaker to “record” my favorite TV shows.
images of the Vietnam War on the TV in the 70s but not realizing it would affect my economic future.
our first VCR.
our first home video game system.
learning DOS commands even in college before Windows.
going to the library to look up information in a book.
thinking the Internet was nothing more than chat rooms.
the big Internet improvement was provided by AOL.
the sounds of a dial up modem.
i’ve been far happier in my 30s than in my 20s.

I’m looking forward to my 40s when I hope to care less about what other people think and more about what I feel.

My OCD has finally won out.

We bought an artificial Christmas tree.

No more cursing when trying to fit a cheap plastic stand around a real tree trunk!

No more vacuuming needles every day.

No more sappy hands.

And no more dog puke to clean up after she eats half the lower branches.

On the other hand…I feel like buying a velvet Elvis, a painting of dogs playing poker, and moving into a trailer and celebrating Christmas with a six-pack and beef jerky.

No more bundling up and sweating before reaching a tree farm.

No more hours of calling out, “This is the one!…No, this is the one!”

No more nearly slicing off a finger or toe with a rusty hand saw.

And no more use of bastardized Cub Scout knots to lash a tree to the roof of a car and riding home with the windows open.

Sure the tree always arrived safely (after stopping two or three times to tighten the knots) but at the expense of my health.

Nothing quite like riding with all four windows down in early December in upstate NY, you’d have less of a chance of catching a cold standing naked on top of a block of ice.

Merry Real Christmas from a home with a fake tree.

U.S. lawmakers may make a deal to extend payroll tax cuts…Congress must have signs on all desks that read…”The buck never stops here.”

Four drugs are responsible for the majority of visits to the ER…beer, wine, scotch, and Windex.

Ocean Spray Craisins have been recalled due to metal fragments…no need to add walnuts in your holiday salad for extra crunch.

Christian Bale says he’s done playing Batman…until somone eventually comes along to deliver more bat-cash.

The Feds are looking into whether the Chevy Volt is prone to catch fire…that’s one way to reduce carbon emissions…elminate your car.

Pakistan says NATO helicopters killed dozens of soldiers…NATO apparently stands for Not Always Targeting Opponents.

US students held amid Egypt protests are flying home…and presumably planning to only view the Middle East again from Google Earth.

The Arab League is mulling sanctions against Syria…like only allowing stonings every other week.

An odd new flu virus has been jumping from pigs to people in parts of the US…so only those south of the Mason-Dixon line need to worry.

A study suggests global temperatures are less sensitive to CO2 levels than previously thought…or we’re less sensitive to B.S.

The S & P 500 had its worst Thanksgiving week since 1932…it was so bad turkeys might become the new currency.

The Mayor of Los Angeles says Occupy LA must leave its City Hall camp by Monday…good news for City Hall…bad news for Beverly Hills.

A shopper pepper sprayed a crowd to get a deal at a LA Wal-Mart…presumably to buy more pepper spray.

Egypt’s new Prime Minister has claimed more powers…he’s only a few shy of a pharoh.

George Michael has postponed a tour due to pneumonia…he really is Older.

Apple’s Black Friday sale cuts Mac prices up to 10%…now they’re just slightly less than outrageous.

Syria has missed the Arab League deadline to send observers…between satellites, predator drones, and CIA agents…they have it covered.

Russia will hold presidential elections in March 2012…so now they’re stocking up on vodka.

NASA’s Mars rover is set for a Saturday morning launch…assuring no kids will watch it.

New research suggests humans were deep sea fishing as many as 42,000 years ago…they found the cans.

A new study suggests moderate drinking might offset the risk of type 2 diabetes…but probably not type 1 liver problems.

Black Friday has arrived…a special holiday when millions of Americans look deep inside their wallets and pocketbooks and find nothing but black starring back at them.

A proposed merger between AT & T and T-Mobile looks shaky…much like reception on some of their phones.

Three American students are expected to be freed in Egypt…just in time to return to the States for more protests.

The President thanked the military and other volunteers via telephone calls from the Oval Office…that’s the best he could do…give himself carpel tunnel on the phone.

The Arab League has given Syria one day to allow monitors or face sanctions…apparently CIA-monitors are not enough.

Kim Kardashian helped feed the homeless for Thanksgiving…or she is preparing for her life as a divorcee.

A new deal to tackle global warming is in the works…government will force every person the planet to carry a tree wherever they go.

In last night’s GOP presidential debate, Newt Gingrich was forced to defend his stance on illegal immigration…but not of neoconservatives into the Republican party.

Outage over cops pepper spraying students at an Occupy UCD demonstration in California continues…except where it counts…in the halls of power.

Egyptians are defying truce offers by marching toward Tahrir Square…or they just love to walk.

Google has abandoned efforts to make a renewable energy…Google already found one…YouTube.

Yemen’s president has signed a deal handing over power…then again it’s Yemen so he had all the power of a dog warden.

A commission investigating Bahrain’s crackdown on protests finds excessive force was used by security forces…aptly named so they’re only concerned for their own security.

Pakistan has appointed a new ambassador to Washington…presumably CIA-vetted and approved.

A flood of gooey muck dropped from a tanker truck disabled more than 100 vehicles on the Pennsylvania Turnpike…this never happens to the Amish unless it involves maple syrup and a buggy.

Occupy protests are set to continue on Black Friday…you can get a great deal on a tent, drugs, or a sexual assault.

AT & T is running low on options to get the government to approve its takeover of T-Mobile…unless of course it’ll let government listen in on all conversations.

Homeland Security denies Russian hackers tried to sabatoge utility equipment in Illinois…if Russian hackers were after anything on US soil it would be vodka distributors.

British cops are investigating climate email hackers…who using computers apparently contribute to global warming.

A new study finds BPA levels spike after eating canned soup…enjoy your hearty and wholesome…cancer.

The President is pushing to preserve a payroll tax cut…if there are any companies left with payrolls.

A Mitt Romney attack ad reportedly quotes the President in a “misleading” way…as if there was a difference between them.

Crowds are clashing with cops in Cairo…a sentence that is only fun to write for the alliteration.

The Kardashians are dominating Dancing With The Stars…so presumably we can expect a Kardashians Zumba video to appear just in time for Christmas.

Justin Bieber has taken a paternity test in New Jersey…a state with so many toxins…it’s hard to believe anyone can become a parent there.

Egypt plans to form a new government…presumably from the comfort of CIA headquarters.

America’s second-largest drugmaker will pay $950 million to resolve a probe into its sales of painkiller Vioxx…some of its executives may need it.

The Federal Reserve told the 31 largest US banks to submit their annual capital plans…time to go to the mattress…or mat.

Coffee may lower woman’s risk of cancer…but keep them awake worrying about it.

The supercommittee has failed to compromise on the deficit…but has compromised their balls.

Occupy Wall Street UC Davis protests have escalated after cops used pepper spray…next up…salt licks.

The President is urging the international community to put more pressure on Iran…for Iraqis this must be like watching Die Hard 2: Same Shit: Different Day.

Spain’s new premiere is making investors wait for his plans…to screw the average Spaniard without him objecting.

GM plans to build the Chevy Equinox at an idled plant in Tennesee…where they’re currently making moonshine.

NASA’s new rover will soon begin a 127-million mile journey to Mars…putting us further in the red.

A study finds patients who are moderately overweight fare better with surgery…before you get that transplant…have a few Twinkies.

Lawmakers concede budget talks are failing…to produce a fake solution they can sell to the American public.

Police and protestors are clashing in Egypt’s Tahrir Square…this square has seen more violent action than a WWF ring.

Occupy demonstrators are outraged over police pepper-spraying protestors…they’re especially pissed the cops didn’t use other spices.

Breaking Dawn has scored the 5th biggest US opening…of the American public’s love of mediocre entertainment.

Syria faces new Arab League pressure…to pretend not to crack down on protestors while secretly cracking down on them.

Spanish voters cast ballots for a center-right party…they’ve seen red and become the bull.

The President is turning his agenda toward Asia…where his boss lives.