A recent listeria outbreak linked to Colorado cantaloupes is the deadliest in a decade…the Irish must have nothing to worry about…all that meat and potatoes.

A 26-year-old Massachusetts man has been charged with planning to bomb the Pentagon with a model airplane…sounds like he spent too much time with the glue.

A fight over Obamacare is heading to the Supreme Court…dominated by nine people who really need it.

Ashton Kutcher has been accused of cheating on Demi Moore…perhaps he’s taking this Charlie Sheen replacement role too seriously.

The Saudi King has saved a woman from ten lashes for driving…presumably she’s forced to give him hand jobs.

The President is urging high school students to attend college…so they can delay the inevitable…unemployment.

A suspicious letter was addressed to Dancing With The Stars…suspicious because it was a letter addressed to Dancing With The Stars.

A study finds a Soviet-era pill from Bulgaria helps smokers quit…it’s found in the bottom of a bottle of vodka.

Premiums for employer-sponsored health insurance are heading through the roof…along with employees’ blood pressures.

A deadly listeria outbreak has been linked to Colorado cantaloupes…stick with bison burgers.

Texas governor Rick Perry turned in a lackluster performance in the last GOP presidential debate…it’s really hard to fake caring…about anything but your hair.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie may run for the White House…presumably he’ll bring back jelly beans.

Coffee drinkers are less likely to be depressed…but more likely to knit a rug overnight.

Saw palmetto is reportedly no better than placebo for prostate problems…then again a finger in the ass probably isn’t either.

Guns N’ Roses, the Beastie Boys, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Eric B. & Rakim, and the Cure have been nominated for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame…so in other words…bands without working livers.

A Northern Irish farm has shut down a risque Rihanna video shoot…apparently they didn’t buy him off with Guinness.

Boeing finally delivered its first Dreamliner three years late…just in time to tap that ever shrinking market of the flying public.

The US government will probably not run out of disaster aid until the end of the week…as long as they can pay the electricity bill to keep the printing presses working.

A divided UN Security Council is considering Palestine’s application for full UN membership…they’re grading on a curve…that skirts ethics and morals.

US home sales fell again…they’ve fallen more times than Charlie Sheen on a bender.

Low levels of vitamin B12 may contribute to cognitive problems for older adults…time for every senior’s favorite game vitamin checkers.

Coffee cuts the risk of depression in women…no time to be down when you’re organizing your sock drawer at 2 am after a cup of cappachino.

A new campaign has been launched against fake plastic surgeons…rap sheets for botched tits.

Dads are less likely to die of heart disease…they probably drink more red wine when dealing with their kids.

Sex therapy boosts response in prostate cancer patients…and oddly in non-cancer patients too.

Doctors say Americans get too much healthcare…especially those whose healthcare comes in a bottle of scotch.

Herman Cain won the Florida straw poll…fitting for a straw man.

The Saudi King says women will be members in the next Shoura Council…scheduled to meet in 3050.

The IMF is worried about the debt crisis spreading beyond the US and Europe…the IMF is long on worry; short on solutions.

GOP House leaders have been rebuked on spending…tight asses apparently don’t go with tight fists.

Jesse James and Kat Von D have broken up again…more business for tattoo removers.

Divorce and smoking may trigger hair loss in women…no wonder why so many Hollywood actresses wear wigs.

A NASA satellite has crashed but the agency is unsure where…apparently they lack $100 for GPS.

Russian PM Vladimir Putin plans to run for Russian President in 2012…meet the old boss same as the new boss.

US Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner says European leaders need to do more to prevent financial chaos in Europe…that’s like the Devil telling Satan worshippers they lack commitment.

Texas Governor is struggling to maintain his status as front runner for the GOP presidential nomination…but still leads in the category of Best Hair.

The President says better public schools are the key to a brighter economic future…apparently he’s never been to a public school…they only thing they’re the key to is a prison term.

The link between a virus and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome has weakened…pillow makers are hoping experts never figure it out.

A report says dead federal retirees are paid $120 million annually…and probably taxed on it too so death and taxes really are inespecapable.

More losses on the U.S. stock market…buy an extra mattress and stuff it with…food.

Ten more birds have tested positive for West Nile virus in the San Franciso Bay area…officials could tell from the ribbons the birds wore.

OTC inhalers are being phased out to protect the ozone layer…bad news for asthema sufferers…who are now considered environmentally hazardous.

Embryonic stem cell trial of blindness treatment has been given the green light…a cruel expression for reporters to use when those who need the treatment can’t see the green light.

More changes are coming to Facebook…which seems headed the way of MySpace…social irrelevance.

REM is retiring…a real loss for those who enjoyed virtually unintelligable lyrics.

Two US hikers have been freed after two years in an Iranian prison…sounds like a description of hiking gear I’d love to see in a LL Bean catelog.

Warren Buffett plans to host a fundraiser for the President in Chicago…ample time for Buffett to fork over all those taxes he says he should pay.

Groupon’s co-founded has joined the Forbes 400 richest in US…if the American economy keeps tanking…all 400 will need to use Groupon.

Apple plans to unveil iPhone 5 in October…now you can watch the stock market crash…conveniently from your new iPhone.

Some birth controll pills have been recalled due to a packaging error…those aren’t multi-vitamins.

Apples and pears may reduce the risk of stroke…and constipation.

12 new frog species have been discovered in India…new food for all those snakes in baskets performing for charmers.

Jennifer Aniston reportedly had a romantic dinner with Justin Theroux…Aniston seems to now be picking romantic suitors from the B list.

Bravo has dropped four housewives from the Real Housewives of NYC…giving hope to those of us who wish Bravo would drop the entire show.

Facebook and Twitter are joining forces…finally Twitter realizes it’s Facebook without Farmville.

Naked photos of Scarlett Johansson reportedly leaked online…her career must’ve needed a boost…along with her tits.

Scientists have discovered a “Star Wars” planet with two suns…and presumably a whiny farmboy running around in a karate uniform pining for his evil Dad.

Libyan rebels briefly entered Gadhafi’s stronghold…like a virgin getting lucky under the bleachers at a high school football game.

Palestinians are pressing forward in their bid to get the UN to accept them as a full member…apparently they’ve never heard the expression, “I would never be a member of any club that would have me as a member.”

House Speaker John Boehner is pushing for a tax code rewrite…credits for men who cry.

The US Senate extended funding for the FAA…a government agency that has received more extensions than an inner city hooker.

Netflix has lowered its US subscriber forecast…mediocore with a good chance of piss poor returns.

The US Post Office is considering closing facilities…through rain, sleet, and snow…but no deliveries through bankruptcy…the postman no longer even rings.

The FDA says Dr. Oz’s claim that apple juice contains arsenic is false…an apple juice a day may or may not keep the coroner away.

NASA is working with a Utah-based company on a new commerical rocket…each rocket must’ve have multiple wives.

Republican Bob Turner won the seat ex-Congressman Anthony Weiner used to hold…comes with constant Twitter access.

Taliban and NATO-led forces are waging war on Twitter…it’s a sign of a 21st century war…armies now have writers.

Windows 8 is coming…a whole new opportunity…to have programs crash.

Minnesota’s poverty level has hit nearly 11%…things are so bad banks are foreclosing on igloos.

Palestinians are sceptical of the UN…the Palestinians and the GOP finally find common ground.

More bomb attacks have occured in Iraq…where more energy is produced from destruction than from oil.

Google is offering a new tool to seach for flights…a link that takes you to Kayak.

Target is now featuring new items from a hot Italian designer…Chef Boyardee.

Intel is partering with Google to enter the Android market…much like male whores Intel and Google want to be inside…of everything.

Scientists have created an artificial volcano for a climate change experiment…so if we want to stop global warming…consult a 7th grade science fair.

Drug resistant TB cases are alarming health officials…but pushing up sales of Doc Holliday cowboy hats and scarves.