The President has agreed to delay his jobs speech to Congress…he’s been delaying it for three years so what’s another few weeks?

Thousands went to a jobs fair in South Los Angeles…where they only people hiring are drug dealers and repo men.

Friends of Libya have converged on Paris…party of one.

Nancy Grace says she’ll use Michael Jackson moves on Dancing With The Stars…this from a woman who spent most of her career slandering him…Nancy is Graceless.

Nigerian bombers blame the UN for Muslim oppression…ironically enough Americans blamed the UN for U.S. oppression.

A Utah PAC created to help former Utah Gov John Huntsman has spent more than $2.1 million…and no one outside Utah knows who he is.

A NY billing dispute has revealed details of secret CIA rendition flights…apparently black bags are taxable.

A solar power array maker who received federal subsidies has closed…solar is an efficient way to burn through cash.

Kim Kardashian is trying to buy her own sex tape…her ass keeps blocking the camera.

Marc Anthony says his divorce of Jennifer Lopez was not shocking…but what is shocking is that he isn’t more famous as a result of it.

The earliest signs of man’s advanced tools have been found…ancient crushed beer cans.

Solutions to the growing problem of space junk are being sought…it’s hard to find a place to put millions of used packets of Tang.

Following the “Fast and Furious” scandal, the acting director of the Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms Bureau has been reassigned…he’s now monitoring the use of snowballs in Alaska.

Diplomats say Gadhafi family members are in Alegeria…which means they’re at a CIA safe house.

Floowaters from Hurricane Irene have isolated more than dozen Vermont towns…of course they just got electricity anyway so it’s really no big deal.

Chaz Bono is joining Dancing With The Stars…but the question is…will he remember to lead?

Japan’s parliament has selected a new Prime Minister…and has installed a turnstyle in parliament.

Ex-Vice President Cheney’s new memoir is drawing criticism from General Colin Powell…just another guy from the Bush years who misses the spotlight.

Russia’s state-owned oil company is teaming up with Exxon Mobil…the hammer and sickel have been beaten into oil derricks.

CNN has purchased the ipad newsmagazine Zite…the two are teaming up to remain in obscurity.

Daryl Hannah has been arrested during a protest outside the White House…her first exciting role since Splash.

Adam Levine is criticizing MTV for a lack of commitment to music…he’s about 15 years too late.

Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers is a dad…that kid will be able to get away with just about anything!

Aerobic exercise beats weights when it comes to loosing belly fat…then again so does starvation.

A HIV-positive actor has shut down the LA porn industry…for about 20 seconds.

Hurricane Irene is heading North…in search of trailer parks.

Tripoli faces shortages of fuel and water…then again expecting to find them in the same place means they’ve never heard the old adage “oil and water don’t mix.”

A CIA drone reportedly killed Al Qaeda’s number two…which is what you find after you spot a drone.

Iran warns of and unprecedented regional crisis if Assad is deposed…as opposed to the current unprecedented regional crisis.

Nigeria vows to fight terrorism…but might do better if it vowed to fight scurvy.

Things To Do In New York City During Hurricane Irene…

Watch disease-filled rats participate in the first annual Rat Surfing Competition held in subway tunnels.

Check the balance of your bank account at an ATM without looking over your shoulder.

Get drunk and walk home without stumbling into anyone.

Drink without paying $8 for a beer.

Easily hail a cab…as it floats by.

Step outside your 18th-floor walkup and breath fresh air…for the first time…ever.

Witness pimps, players, and private eyes clear out…without cops pressuring them to leave.

Pee in relative calm at a men’s bathroom in Port Authority.

Walk through Times Square longing for the days when junkies, hookers, and muggers made it their home.

Finally see if some witches on the upper East side float.

New York City plans to shut down mass transit due to Hurricane Irene…just in the time for the annual rat surfing competition.

Fed Head Ben Bernanke blames politics for the world’s financial mess…apparently he doesn’t own any mirrors.

Steve Jobs reportedly will remain on the board at Walt Disney…where he’ll also get his very own animitronic action figure in Pirates of the Carribbean.

Minka Kelly and Derek Jeter have reportedly broken up…leaving Jeter free to pursue the 3,000th hottie.

Japan’s Prime Minister has resigned…to train for the Nuclear marathon.

Ex-NY Governor George Pataki is not running for President…but is running for most obscure politician to be mentioned as a possible 2012 GOP presidential contender.

Texas Governor Rick Perry leads GOP polls…in hair care products.

The US economy grew one percent in the spring…and that’s an official government number so it was probably more like negative one percent.

Hurricane Irene has prompted New York and four other states to declare a state of emergency…but apparently job losses and high taxes are no problem.

Scientists have discovered a “Diamond Planet”…presumably found by a woman.

The UN has agreed to release 1.5 billion in frozen Libyan funds…which might pay Qaddafi’s fashion bills for a year.

An Austrian man is accused of locking up his daughters for 40 years…I’ve heard of trophy wives but never trophy daughters.

Casey Anthony met with her probation officer for the first time…a scene sure to be replayed in a Lifetime movie.

New Yorkers marry and divorce less than most of the US…because we’re too broke to afford either.

Facebook has officially hit 1 trillion page views…no wonder US productivity keeps dropping.

Obesity rates are project to soar…and presumably so will the need to repair broken trampolines.

Steve Jobs has stepped down as Apple CEO…giving stock speculators a nice excuse to take profits.

Hurricane Irene could become a Category 4 storm…this bitch won’t say goodnight.

Virgina earthquake has called attention to the safety of nuclear plants…apparently Virgina never heard of Japan.

Qaddafi has been ousted from power in Libya…but still has a bright future as a Middle Eastern pimp.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries have a prenup…no word on who gets her ass.

Russia’s President is meeting with North Korea’s leader about nuclear issues…namely which one has the bigger rocket.

Texas Governor Rick Perry reportedly leads the pack of would-be GOP presidential contenders…and would-be rodeo clowns.

Ex-VP Dick Cheney says he urged ex-President Bush to bomb Syria in 2007…back before Cheney became a daywalker.

A federal court judge in Alabama is questioning whether a recent state law restricting illegal immigration is constitutional…then again in Alabama they still question whether the earth is round.

A new study claims the El Nino climate cycle increases the chances of civil wars…so pretending the weather is in an El Nino climate cycle must increase the chance of re-enacting a civil war.

A Russian cargo rocket malfunctioned…welcome to 1950…again.

A penis amputee has received no damages…in court.

An earthquake rocked the East Coast…unless you’re a drunk or a crackhead then you think the world finally felt OK.

Libyan rebels have seized Qaddafi’s compound…which must resemble the estate of an Italian fashion icon.

Will and Jada Pinkett Smith are refuting rumors they plan to divorce…hope there is a pre-nup otherwise Will might be the one in the red not the black.

Ex-IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn is no longer facing sex assault charges…but may want to rethink getting hotel room service.

Syria’s crackdown on protestors has been condemned by a UN human rights panel…about as serious as a parking ticket.

Scientists estimate the natural world contains about 8.7 million species…but the most annoying one remains…humans.

A human robot was awakened aboard the International Space Station…I believe I saw that movie and it doesn’t end well.

People who eat a diet with cholesterol-lowering foods like soy products, lowered their cholesterol more than those who followed a low-saturated fat diet…but probably didn’t enjoy taste either.

Kim Kardashian has left on her honeymoon…but her ass has left to leave.

The Martin Luther King Junior National Memorial has been unveiled…and Glenn Beck is nowhere to be found.

The UN chief says Syria’s president broke his word…so the Middle East really does embrace Western values.

The President is closely matched against four possible GOP opponents…in the polls but not in brains.

Ex NY Governor George Pataki may announce a 2012 presidential candidacy…here comes “Mr. Middle-Of-The-Road.”

The Goldman Sachs CEO has hired a prominent defense attorney…the chickens are not only roosting they are pecking more cocks.

Actor Ryan Gosling apparently broke up a street fight in NYC…or that’s one great way to promote your next movie.

An ex truck driver is suing a doctor who cut off his penis because it was riddled with cancer…every man know a dick filled with cancer beats no dick.

Prosecutors are set to drop the Strauss-Kahn rape case…it had more holes in it than a third-world made condom.

Kim Kardashian is now married…presumably has extra insurance on her booty.

Iran has sentenced two American hikers to eight years in prison…if only they had stuck to the gym.

The Pope told pilgrims to stay true to their beliefs…that buckles are more than a fashion accessory.

VP Biden sought to reassure China that America will never default on its debts…as long as the Chinese are willing to accept payment in fortune cookies.

Kim Jong II appeared in Russia’s far east…must be doing some casual shopping…for weapons.

A mysterious orange goo found on the shore in a remote Alaskan village is fungus…or the by product of a wild party at the Palin estate.