The US Senate has shelved a debt-ceiling plan from Majority Leader Harry Reid…but it makes for a nice bedtime story for the Senate library.

US and UN leaders have condemned a Syrian assault on Hama…while probably secretly supplying the weapons and the reasons for Syria to carry it out.

Al Pacino’s 21-year-old daughter has been arrested for DWI…yet Pacino remains uncharged for overacting.

The Smurfs have tied Cowboys and Aliens at the box office…that whore Smurfette always attracts more attention than little green men.

A US report finds security deterioriating in Iraq…they must have brushed off the dust on a report from 2003.

Regulators have closed banks in South Carolina, Virgina, and Indiana…states where some residents have most of their savings in NASCAR memorabilia.

Apple is reportedly holding more cash than the US government…which can’t even afford iPods, iPads, or anything that doesn’t involve the letters I-O-U.

AT & T says it will throttle heavy data users…there go a few porn websites.

Miley Cyrus got a tattoo that supports gay marriage…next to the one that supports teen exploitation.

The US House has rejected a Senate-proposed debt bill…apparently Ebay is not a viable option.

Google has purchased 1,029 patents from IBM…Google isn’t as brilliant as we’ve been led to believe…or at least the CIA isn’t.

Pakistan has restricted the movement of American diplomats…but not bowl movements.

A drunk Mississippi man has been arrested for letting his 8-year-old son drive…time for a new organization…KADD…Kids Against Drunk Dads.

Increasing muscle mass may lower the risk type 2 diabetes…a ringing endorsement for steroids.

Comedian Andy Dick has pleaded not guilty to sex abuse charges…but should plead guilty to charges of being annoying.

Korean scientists have created a glow-in-the-dark dog…easy to spot from fellow Koreans’ stomachs.

Viberect is a new handheld device that stimulates penile nerves…this is also known as your other hand.

The UK banned a L’Oreal makeup ad featuring Julia Roberts claiming it was misleading…for hookers who thought they could be Pretty Women.

Jeopardy Host Alex Trebek chased down his hotel room intruder…who didn’t phrase her crime in the form of a question.

Half the men in a recent survey say they would dump a girlfriend for getting fat…unless she was rich.

Researchers are close to developing a male birth control pill…totally unnecessary if you drink enough booze.

House Speaker John Boehner says his debt limit bill needs more votes to pass…giving him yet another reason to cry.

An AWOL Muslim soldier has been arrested near Fort Hood…forget Iraq and Afghanistan…apparently Texas needs liberating.

Counterterrorism experts are reviewing Norway’s security services…and running out of red pens.

Hepatitis rates are reportedly soaring among IV drug users…makes you long for the days when coke was king.

America’s health care costs are likely to hit $4.6 trillion in 2020…and that’s just for Hollywood boob jobs.

A study finds mobile phones don’t raise kids’ cancer risk…but do raise the risk of their parents’ bankruptcies.

Jeopardy Host Alex Trebeck says a woman broke into his San Francisco hotel room…probably so she could ask him questions.

Us Jobless claims have fallen below 400,000…US hopelessness remains steady.

The Democrats’ debt bill reportedly saves less than promised…mainly…paper.

Norway’s PM says the recent deadly attacks will not curtail tolerance…except of insanity.

US stocks sunk on signs of economic softness…any softer and our economy would be made of soft-serve ice cream.

A federal judge has upheld federal embryonic stem cell funds…coming soon…a tax on your embryonic stem cells.

Miami’s residential sales recovery has rocketed past the rest of the nation…that’s what you get with realtors who are coked up.

One-third of US consumers will reportedly buy an iPhone 5…Apple must employ hypnotists.

A study shows nutrition labels help fast food eaters cut calories…by eating the signs.

Congress is deadlocked in the debate over the debt ceiling…break out the fiddles…and fire extinguishers.

Nearly 3,700 post offices are slated to close…the postman no longer rings twice…or at all.

The ex-stepmother of the Norway killer says he was normal…something is fishy in Norway not Denmark.

The UN has released emergency funds to alleviate hunger in Kenya…thank China…it’s the only country left with any money.

NATO says Col Gadhafi cannot wait out the coalition…of the world’s premiere fashion designers.

Ford and Chrysler experienced a mixed second quarter…drivers are wondering whether they want to be found on road dead or found on road deader.

George Soros plans to stop managing money for outside investors…and he’s taking his marbles and going home although some would say he lost his marbles long ago.

Waking up in the middle of the night can hinder a person’s memory…especially after you stub your toe and walk into a door.

Kim Kardashian has been diagnosed with psoriasis…great news for her signifcant other who gets to rub cream on the red.

McDonald’s Happy Meals will get apples and fewer french fries…making them Unhappy Meals.

House Speaker John Boehner’s debt plan would raise the US borrowing limit…according to one side of his mouth.

The UN Somali famine airlift is set to start…seats are going fast…get your tickets now.

NY Governor Cuomo says a lawsuit against the same-sex marriage bill is “without merit”…still straight and gay lawyers are salivating.

Libyan Colonel Gaddafi has accused NATO of air raiding a medical clinic…in Libya also known as a tent.

Drug prices are set to fall as patents expire…making intellectual property laws more addictive than prescription drugs.

The FDA says papayas pose a salmonella risk…that will affect about 0.3% of Americans.

A vaccine on the market since 1995 seems to have virtually wiped out deaths from chickenpox in the US…disappointing makers of anti-itch meds.

Jay-Z and Kanye West are planning to tour…they ought to call it the Too Much Ego tour.

Jennifer Lopez is celebrating her 42nd birthday…unfortunately so is her ass.

Congress is still trying to work out a deal on the debt limit…with the devil.

An Illinois man who went missing in 1979 has been found in Las Vegas…he apparently gambled with anonymity but ultimately lost.

Captain America grossed nearly $66 million…$60 million likely from south of the Mason-Dixon line.

Harrison Ford returns to theaters this week in “Cowboys and Aliens”…who must’ve penned the last Indian Jones debacle.

The Hot Wheels creator has died…and will be barried in a casket with 27 different compartments.

Google+ has pulled in 20 million unique visitors…Facebook is starting to feel a bit lonely but no where near as lonely as MySpace.

The President apparently wants to avoid a short-term deal on the debt limit…as well as a long-term deal.

New semiconductors have sequenced human DNA…coming soon…the ability to reboot your aunts and uncles.

New rules are being urged on hybrid animal-human experiments…the apes get union breaks.

Astronomers have discoverd the largest most distant reservoir of water…this drought has really got people looking for water.

McDonalds net income is up 15%…along with the risk of consumers’ heart disease.

American Airlines is upgrading planes to go green…coming to an airport near you…wooden biplanes.

Raw sewage has spilled into the Hudson River near New York City…unnoticed by most New Yorkers.

The President and the GOP are talking about a new debt plan…involving guys in silk suits, clams, and casino stakes.

Eurzone leaders are drawing up radical plans to safeguard the euro…by devaluing it.

The 30-year space shuttle program has ended…there go future Wheaties covers.

Re-forming the union is among the issues holding up a NFL deal…along with lower cost steroids.

Ex-presidential candidate John Edwards owes $2.3 million to the feds…just taxes alone on hair care products.

A study finds the taller you are the greater at risk you are for certain cancers…jockeys must only have to worry about prostate cancer.