MSNBC news network has suspended a political analyst for insulting the President…thus allowing the analyst to find new home at Fox News.

The Greek tourism industry is rebounding…like an aging NBA forward with bad knees.

A man grabbed the French president right before he was tackled by security…that must’ve been too busy smoking gitanes.

Libya will be discussed at the annual summit of the African Union…where they’ll secretly high-five Gaddafi for standing up to Western imperialists.

Thousands are striking in Manchester, England…good news for the pubs.

Irish activitists claim Israel sabotaged their ship…apparently the Irish didn’t bring enough four leaf clovers for good luck.

The Senate scrapped its vacation to debate whether to raise the debt limit…Washington DC bars better stock up on scotch.

German banks are prepared to help bailout Greece…presumably allowing Germans to enjoy a lot of skewered lamb.

Republicans and Democrats continue arguing over whether to raise the debt ceiling…meanwhile we’re falling through the rotting floor…America…the House that Jack built.

GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney says he’ll sign a pledge to limit federal debt…too bad he didn’t sign one when he was Governor of Massachusetts.

Specific Media has reportedly bought MySpace for $35 million…about $34 million too much.

The nomineed to be US special envoy says America seeks a positive relationship with Myanmar…translation…we’d  like to control you.

Wildfires are threatening the US nuclear lab in Los Alamos, New Mexico…how do you like your armadillo…fried, baked, or glowing?

Linday Lohan has been released from house arrest…this is like episode 452 in the reality show known as her life.

Selena Gomez apparently has a crush on Shia LaBeouf…news only to those under 18.

A study finds chronic pain affects 116 million Americans…and most of us call that pain…family.

A deadly attack took place at a luxury hotel in Kabul…so in other words…one tent collapsed.

Google is taking on Facebook with a new social networking service called Google+…hopefully minus Farmville.

Transformers director Michael Bay calls #-D a “technical nightmare”…much like Transformers the movie.

The California Air Guard is helping to fight wildfires in New Mexico…they’re trying to smother the flames with surfboards.

Greek police fired tear gas at protestors objecting to anti-austerity measurers…apparently there’s plenty of money left for tear gas.

The IMF has appointed its first woman to run the fund…now they’re international before it was just an old boys club.

Libyan rebels have seized a Gaddafi weapons depot…three rifles, one old grenade, a blunt machete.

A Freedom Flotilla may face serious delays…namely freedom still seems to be missing.

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann pledged to end the use of a teleprompter…there goes the vote from teleprompter makers.

Michele Bachmann is now running for President…Sarah Palin is breathing a sigh of relief.

Jurors in the trial of Ex-Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich have reached a partial verdict…he has fabulous hair.

Libyan rebels reportedly believe the tide is turning against Gaddafi…and Westerners call that tide the CIA.

The Supreme Court has struck down a case banning “violent video games”…now we know what the justices do with their spare time…play Duke Nukem.

Syrian intellectuals who oppose the current government are meeting in a Damascus hotel…which must have more bugs than Langley, VA.

Doctors say TV fast food ads encourage childhood obesity…no, they encourage parental poverty.

Working night shifts reportedly may raise the risk of diabetes in women…hookers are screwed.

Consumer spending in the U.S. has stagnated…like pond water in an old tire…if you can afford the old tire.

France’s president is defending his economic policies…which is more than our own President does.

The Supreme Court has struck down a key provision in the Arionza public financing law…you can’t pay with a cactus.

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann says she has a titanium spine…but a lead head.

Turkish truck drivers are being targeted at the Syrian border…for showers.

Israel may ban journalists aboard aid flotillas…so much for Israel being the only democracy in the Middle East.

A US admiral says NATO aims to kill Gaddafi…to be filed in the “No Shit!” department.

China and Vietnam plan to ease maritime tension…just as soon as they deflate each other’s rubber dingys.

Parts of North Dakota are flooded…if the water sticks around till winter they’ll have one hell of a skating rink.

A Billy the Kid tintype photo sold for $2 million at a Denver auction…even after death he’s still robbing.

Cheerios breakfast cereal is now 70 years old…the same age as those who love it.

New York may become the sixth state where gay marriage is legal…and the first to tax rainbow flags.

The House rejected a bill that would authorize the US to wage war in Lybia…how quaint…months after America has been waging war there.

A flood in North Dakota has damaged…no one.

Peter Falk, star of Columbo, has died…but he really hasn’t if you count the number of impressionists who portray him.

Deadly attacks on Syrian protestors continue…dying during protests is second only to dealing with CIA operatives as the most outrageous past time in the Middle East.

An ex-Detroit mayor is getting out of prison…ironic since living in Detroit is like being in prison.

Justin Bieber says he wants girls to smell “flowery and fruity”…apparently he loves bumble bees.

Scientists are getting closer to creating an artificial peancreas…they just need more glue and cardboard.

Most medical residents don’t get enough sleep…giving patients’ sleepless nights.

A man pretending to be a doctor has been arrested in Portland, Oregon…there’s not much else to do when it rains.

Doctors say chubby babies and tubby toddlers are at risk of becoming fat adults…and hating their school pictures.

More people are getting treated for prescription drug abuse…ironically by taking prescription drugs.

Weight loss surgery can reverse Type 2 diabetes…but cures the worst illness…social isolation.

Republicans and Democrats are arguing over whether to raise the debt limit…great entertainment…while the yacht sinks.

Reaction is mixed in London after the US announced its plans to withdraw troops from Afghanistan…they’re still waiting for America to withdraw troops from the UK.

Lindsay Lohan is no longer required to undergo alcohol testing…which is like driving without using your mirrors…dumb.

The US plans to sell 60 million barrels of crude oil from its emergency stocks…some Saudi sheiks must be looking to build new palaces.

Qaddafi is calling NATO “murderers”…the guy dresses like a nut but he makes some sense every now and then.

Alaska won’t disclose if or when Sarah Palin has jury duty…so they have more time to explain it to her.

All new or redesigned 2011 cars reportedly have more problems…like drivers being able to afford them.

A 26-year-old hacker has pleaded guilty to breaking into AT & T iPhone computer servers…he’s Generation “Why?”

City dwellers’ brains react more strongly to stress than those in the country…no wonder there are so many bars in cities.

The President says 33,000 troops will leave Afghanistan next year…just in time to be sent to Libya.

A self-help guru has been convicted in Arizona sweat lodge deaths…sounds more like a guru of self-loathing.

Fed Head Ben Bernanke says the economic head winds “may be stronger than we thought”…Ben sounds more and more like a drunk sailor.

China has freed an artist…while the US keeps going after them here…the world is an odd place.

Mexican cops say a suspected drug kingpin sought rivals’ help before he was caught…of course what could he really offer them…drugs and guns.

PopCap Games is being sold for over $1 billion…presumably when it’s final…they’ll party like it’s 1999.

Spider-Man star Tobey Maguire is being sued for winnings in underground poker games…Tobey may have to re-think leaving the Spider-Man franchise.

The FDA is leaving silicon breast implants on the market…who gives a hoot about health as long as babes have big tits.

The President is putting the finishing touches on the Afghanistan withdrawal plan…just as soon as he gets approval from the CIA.

The FDA has issued graphic cigarette labels…medical porn is apparently acceptable when it comes from government.

Senator John McCain says he’s “puzzled” over comments he made suggesting illegal immigrants may have set some wildfires in Arizona…he’s also puzzled over why people use toothpaste.

Existing home sales dropped nearly 4% in May…April showers bring May renters.

Amy Winehouse has cancelled all remaining tour dates…of rehabs.

A 51-year-old actor has married a 16-year-old apsiring country singer…they’re certainly living a country song.

Weird Al has parodied Lady Gaga’s “Perform This Way”…and now it’s probably tough to tell the original from the parody.

The US Supreme Court has rejected a sex discrimination lawsuit filed against Wal-Mart…the only parties saving money and living better now are the Wal-Mart suits.

Syria’s president continues making speeches while violence continues in his country…the mouth is weaker than a lot of other mouths.

After rejecting nuclear power, Germany plans to use coal, gas, and oil…everything old is new again…if all else fails they can always use beer too.

No decision on gay marriage yet in New York State…where the legislature is trying to figure out how to tax it.

An Obama impersonator reportedly was yanked from the stage at a GOP gathering…he was fake but apparently the GOP anger wasn’t.

Now word yet on whether Texas Governor Rick Perry plans to run for President…but rumor has it he’s trying to figure out if the White House has a cowboy boot rack.

A new study estimates nearly 6 million kids in America suffer from food allergies…unfortunately they’re not actually allergic to food in general…the little fat bastards.

A new study finds portable kiddie pools kills a child every 5 days…no wonder inner city kids are tougher…they survive fire hydrant swimming.

The FDA is stepping up inspections of imported products…so in other words…everything.