Experts say cellphones are possibly carcinogenic…you may want to get that cancer report on your desktop.

US military prosecutors are expected to file fresh charges against the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks…just as soon as the CIA trumps up the evidence.

Apple has updated Snow Leopard to root out “scareware”…but not to treat the mass depression Apple users are now experiencing thinking their machines were superior to PCs.

The US is eying Spanish produce in a deadly E. coli outbreak…if your cucumber is dressed like a Mariachi band…warning.

South Africa’s president did not discuss exit strategies with Libya’s Gadhafi…they exchanged fashion tips.

Yemen sees gunfights resume…making that country the OK corral of the Middle East.

Afghanistan’s leader has warned NATO over deadly air strikes…but still can’t get NATO to go on strike.

The Pierre hotel in New York City has suspended a supervisor who told a maid to wait to report an alleged rape…presumably that’s not in the conceirge handbook.

US stocks rose after speculation about more financial aid for Greece…lambs are now on debt repayment plans.

US housing prices fell over 4% in the first quarter…they’ve gone from outrageous…to mildly outrageous.

It’s Memorial Day…that special time of year for American flag makers…located in China.

Hip-hop star Sean Kingston was riding a Jet Ski that crashed into a bridge in Miami Beach…a place famous for “moving” bridges.

Deadly cases of E.coli have broken out in Germany…avoid the veggies Germans and stick with beer and sausages.

Sarah Palin is taking her family around the country on a “One Nation” bus tour…she’s still learning American geography.

The US auto industry is finally making more small cars…that still get SUV-like gas mileage.

Oil fell below $115 a barrel…even speculators take off Memorial Day weekend.

Hackers rescurrect slain rapper Tupac with a bogus story on a PBS website…which would’ve had a lot more impact if they had hacked the BET website.

The Hangover II raked in nearly 90 million over the three-day weekend…about the same amount of money Americans spent on beer.

8 in 10 women say new guidelines against routine breast cancer screening seem unsafe…something about a guy with BBQ tongs and lots of time.

The President toured tornado-ravaged Joplin…and then visited Missouri.

Libya’s Misrata rebels face a tough new fight…determining who gets profits from merchandising.

Two FIFA officials have been suspended…but it’s only soccer so who cares?

Yemen militants have caputured a coastal city…even militants like to vacation at the beach.

Sarah Palin arrived at Sunday’s Rolling Thunder rally driving her own motorcycle…America needs a white trash Presidential candidate.

The US Navy Blue Angels have canceled an upcoming performance to review safety…or to film another Hot Shots.

Rising consumer confidence reportedly raised the stock market…pay no attention to the Fed behind the curtain.

Thousands of Irish homeowner are to be hit by a new mortgage rate hike…but they’ll be too drunk or poor to notice.

Lockheed Martin suffered what is called a “tenacious” cyber attack on its computer networks…the computer mouse is mightier than the sword.

The Endeavor space shuttle crew has said goodbye to the International Space Station…the world’s first and only floating slum.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie may marry…just as soon as Brad gets to wear his own pair of pants.

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has married…somewhere Jessica Simpson is eating a pint of ice cream curled up in the fetal position.

Army General Martin Dempsey is likely to become new chairman of the Joint Chiefs…news fit for a Dempsey Dumpster.

Talks are reportedly underway to end fighting in Libya…so expect the battle to end around 2030.

450 Gazans have entered Egypt on the first day of Rafah opening…as popular for Gazans as a one-day sale at Macys is for Americans.

The Hangover II has raked in more than $60 million so far…sure to trigger a lot of Hollywood parties…and a fair share of hangovers.

Outsted Egyptian President Mubarak and two other ex-officials have been fined $90 million for cutting mobile phone and Internet service during protests…but no fine for being an despot.

Mitt Romney’s campaign for President is reportedly to be focused on the economy…unlike his tenure as Governor of Massachusetts when he ushered in socialized health care.

A revolutionary poet and musician best known for “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised” has died…thus prompting the televising of his work.

Gas prices have dropped…but only as much as a beer can slipping out of the hand of a creepy uncle at a family barbecue.

Amy Winehouse is back in rehab…making her the Lindsey Lohan of the music world.

Christopher Meloni will not return as Detective Stabler on “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”…devastating gay men everywhere.

Secretary of State Clinton says Pakistan needs to take decisive action against extremist groups…like the US government.

The US House voted to approve the Patriot Act extensions…the Republic is now on life support…cue the fat lady to start singing.

The G8 has offered $20 billion to “aid” Arab democracies…$20 billion is apparently what it costs to buy the Middle East for Western control.

A business man accused of Christian missionary activity may be freed from a North Korean prison in exchange for American food aid…and they say Twinkies are bad for your health!

Sarah Palin has launched a bus tour of the country…she’s running for president…of Greyhound.

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg says from now on he’s going to kill what he eats…he really has spent way too much time playing Farmville.

Lindsay Lohan is now under house arrest…jewelry stores everywhere are breathing a sigh of relief.

Kim Kardashian’s engagement ring has a secret inscription…your sister is hotter.

Americans’ allergies are reportedly getting worse…making it an excellent time to buy stock in Kleenex.

Grease actor Jeff Conaway has died…there goes the Taxi reunion.

Egyptians are rallying in Tahir Square for a “second revolution”…meanwhile Americans are rallying for discounts on fans on Wal-Mart.

Texas Governor Rick Perry may run for President…after his state’s anti-TSA legislation field…he proved if you can’t beat ‘em…join ‘em…the feds that is.

Blackbeard’s anchor has been recovered off the North Carolina coast…disappointing for those expecting pieces of eight at the bottom of the sea.

After 16 years on the run, a suspected ex-Bosnian Serb war criminal has been caught…unfortunately it wasn’t Bill Clinton.

The Supreme Court has upheld an Arizona law that penalizes businesses for hiring illegal immigrants…there goes every lawn to seed in Arizona.

Google Wallet now allows you to pay for stuff with your smartphone…now you can blame your phone for ruining your credit.

A deadly suicide bombing in Pakistan…which now makes Iraq and Afghanistan look like summer camps.

Attorneys for the ex-IMF chief accused of rape are attacking the accuser’s credibility…you’d think the ex-IMF chief would have the money to hire lawyers who don’t use the stereotypical accused rapists’s defense.

A judge in Wisconsin has struck down a state law curbing unions…there goes any election campaign money from the GOP.

Testing shows some small cars score well in crash tests…and we call those small cars Hummers.

Heinz sees emerging markets driving stronger long-term growth…if they can convince people to put ketchup on government rice.

Skype apparently crashed recently…must be all those calls between Middle East protestors.

Chinese prisons reportedly force inmates to spend 12 hours playing online games…that makes every Chinese prison a typical American home.

Oprah fans across the nation gathered for parties to watch her final episode…meanwhile you can catch her everyday on OWN…we’re celebrating a non-retirement.

Nearly 1 in 5 younger adults reportedly has high blood pressure…so 4 in 5 must be really patient or on valium.

More storms hit Joplin…which has taken more punishment than a client of a S & M club.

Republicans are defending their drive to cut government health care spending…unfortunately it’s not their own.

More fierce fighting in Yemen…Americans could follow better if they put photos of government security forces and opposition tribesmen on baseball cards.

Ex presidential candidate John Edwards is accused of using campaign funds to hide an affair and illegitimate child…which makes him perfect…for President.

The Treasury Secretary says GOP opposition to raising the debt ceiling is political theater…except the theater is owned by the Chinese and so are the puppets.

A budget deal to cut $1 trillion from federal deficits over the next decade is in the works…just as soon as they add another printing press to the Treasury.

Apple plans to update Mac software to combat malware attacks…an Apple a day no longer keeps the viruses away.

Kim Kardashian’s engagement ring is worth $2 million dollars…and so are the bets on whether the marriage will last.

Fried fish reportedly raises the risk of heart failure…hopefully the fish will learn to boil themselves.

Measles cases are on the rise in the US…good news for retailers that sell turtlenecks.

A survey finds Americans want to keep Medicaid the way it is…bloated, inefficient, and wasteful…like many Americans.

Shock, grief, and relief grip Joplin…but that’s because the tornado damaged their Wal-Mart.

The next head of the IMF might be French…if she can control herself around…cheese.

Lady Gaga ate paper on the Late Show With David Letterman…apparently while appearing on the segment: “Stupid Human Tricks.”

Ryanair reportedly flew through an Icelandic volcano ash cloud…beat that Southwest!

Analysts say Sony must secure its network from hackers…who seem to enter the network as fast as Labor Day sales shoppers through revolving shopping mall doors.

The President’s limo got stuck on a speed bump while pulling through the gate of the US embassay in Dublin, Ireland…much like the economy after Obama’s policies kicked in.

An explosion at an Iranian refinery occured just before a speech by Ahmadinejad…due to his hot air.

Prices for Folgers and Dunkin’ Donuts coffee are going up…making cocaine look affordable.

Bayer is selling quick-release aspirin…it jumps out of the bottle and into your mouth.

Sales of new homes in the US rose in April…but most of us call those new homes…tents.

Maria Shriver has hired a private investigator…to determine if she’s related to Skelator.

Another deadly tornado has struck the south…where someone needs to arrange a fundraising Monster Truck show.

Pakistani commandos have retaken a naval airbase…after the planes were destroyed.

The IMF is looking to hire a new chief…seems like the ideal job for the world’s most aggressive inflationist…Ben Bernanke.

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez kissed at the Billboard Music Awards…which is only exciting news if you’re between 12 and 16 years of age.

Britney Spears and Rihanna kissed at the Billboard Music Awards…apparently Madonna was unavailable.

New York City has banned smoking at city parks, beaches, and pedestrian plazas…but fascisim is allowed everywhere.

A royal wedding hat sold for $131,000 for charity…to be given away to a person with an odd-shaped head, an overflowing pocketbook, and terrible fashion taste.

Ex-Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has announced his campaign for president…for the American Club of Dorks.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s divorce from Maria Shriver could cost him $200 million…so look for Terminator 4, 5, 6, and 7.