The royal wedding is over…but the royal screwing began long before when sticking UK taxpayers with the tab.

The President is looking over the storm damage in Alabama…after the GOP tore through the area hysterical about his birth certificate.

Syrian forces continue cracking down on protestors…which apparently is a national pastime in Syria.

Donald Trump dropped the “F-bomb” in a speech to supporters in Las Vegas…not everything that happens in Vegas stays there…including bad taste.

NASA has scrubbed the scheduled launch of the space shuttle because of no heat…apparently NASA can invent memory foam but not thermal underwear.

Amazon.com has apologized for a multi-day cloud computing outage…apparently in their world the cloud refers to users’ rage hanging over their heads.

Caterpillar profit has surged…must be all those shopping mall demolitions.

Bernanke says the economy needs more time to heal…which means the Fed needs more time to get critics “to heel.”

Tall obese men are at higher risk for blood clots…and head bumps.

A study finds armadillos passed leprosy to humans…and because the little bastards have hard shells there’s little we can do to punish them for it.

A study finds weight loss surgey seems to make diabetes disappear…apparently diabetes is stored in your ass, stomach, hips, and thighs.

Superman plans to renounce his US citizenship…but is keeping is AARP membership.

Birthers still don’t believe the President was born in the United States…but many of them also don’t believe he’s a pawn of the CIA.

Economic growth in the US slowed to 1.8% in the first months of 2011…and that was among drug dealers.

Jobless claims have jumped to their highest level since February…if only jobless claims were like white NBA players…ground bound.

The President is reshuffling his national security team…but just like three-card monte it doesn’t matter.

Fed Head Bernanke has pledged to maintain record economic stimulus…big money’s sugar daddy plans to keep the bankers high.

Panasonic plans to cut 17,000 jobs…this is the only news Americans keep hearing in stereo.

Star Magazine has apologized to actress Katie Holmes for suggesting she was a drug addict…but has never apologized for suggesting her husband is a space alien.

Justin Bieber will co-star with Mark Wahlberg in a new movie…Bieber better pick Wahlberg’s brain so he can figure out how to become a “serious” actor before his 15 minutes of fame are up.

The President has released copies of his original long-form birth certificate…after the CIA spent all night working on them.

The Taliban has claimed responsibility for an attack on US troops at Kabul airport…where carry-on luggage consists mostly of resentment.

The Fed says the economy is recovering at a moderate pace…unlike us from the Fed’s bold-faced lies.

The Syrian military continues to crack down on protestors…in a deadly game of Wac-A-Mole.

Britain may “look at” deploying ground troops in Libya…which means they’re already there.

A key gauge of US manufacturing rose in March…drug use.

The President and the GOP are battling over high gas prices…which may be the new energy source for which the country has been looking…politicans’ hot air.

American Academy of Pediatrics is calling for secure, portable, and comprehensive electronic health records for children…also known as “Mom.”

A study finds Botox may deaden preception…of how much of a tool you really are if you use it.

Apple claims it does not track iPhone users’ locations…ignore the black helicopters over your head.

More deadly tornadoes and floods in Arkansas…causing a run on merchandise at Spencer Gifts to replace a lot of velvet Elvises.

Syrian security forces are now in the hills around Banias…like the Sandpeople from Star Wars…dangerous, irratic, and moody.

Cops say a levee protecting a southeast Missouri town from major flooding held up overnight…if cops have the time to surveil a levee…that town must be crime-free.

Apple is facing a lawsuit claiming the company violates iPhone’s user’s privacy…the attorneys might want to think twice about storing their documents on a Mac.

The FDA is trying to regulate e-cigarettes as “drugs”…while blowing smoke up the asses of soon-to-be-more-controlled Americans.

WikiLeaks documents show a Saudi King suggested implanting chips in detainees from Guantanamo to track them after their release…the Saudis must love Philip Dick.

Lindsey Lohan says she’s “grateful” the way Jay Leno has treated her…as fodder for jokes keeping her in the limelight…any PR is good PR.

A NTSB members says air traffic controllers’ on-the-job naps might be a good thing…apparently if you don’t care about landing…ever.

One of Charlie Sheen’s “goodesses” has dumped him via text message…she’s no longer on the drug “Charlie Sheen.”

Levi Johnston is writing a tell-all book about Sarah Palin’s family…which will be about as exciting as watching salmon spawn upstream in the Alaskan wilderness.

Researchers found painkillers appear to decrease the effectiveness of a antidepressants…then again if you’re on painkillers, you probably don’t need the antidpressants.

A study shows fat teens engage in riskier behavior…like trying to squeeze into wet suits.

The media is asking what kind of of a President would Donald Trump make…he already “makes” Presidents by throwing money at both political parties.

Newly disclosed US military documents provide more info about detainees at Guantanamo Bay…proving the War on Terror is the War in Error.

Katie Couric is set to leave CBS Evening News…along with her tiny amount of gravitas.

Some doctors want stricter regulations on plastic toys…”Rubber Ducky you’re the one; you make bath time full of dangerous fun.”

The Taliban says nearly 500 inmates escaped from an Afghan prison through an underground tunnel…apparently the way to battle Islamic extremists is to use water hoses the same way Bill Murry did in Caddyshack.

The Supreme Court has rejected a request from Virginia officials to hear the constitutionality of the federal health-care law…the black robes hide chicken yellow bodies.

A study finds the “happiest” states have the highest suicide rates…no wonder those states are happy…more people in them are dead…there’s nothing left to complain about.

Canadians are being told to leave Syria…where Syrians will have to say goodbye to really good Maple Syrup.

Lindsey Lohan has been sentenced to jail…far less punishing than watching her “act.”

Experts are scratching their heads over what to buy for Prince William and Kate Middleton…someone should buy them modesty.

The owner of the Idaho silver mine where a worker is trapped is hoping for a miracle…the worker doesn’t have a good attorney.

Gas prices have hit $5 a gallon in some parts of the country…now ending any ridicule directed at the Amish.

Republicans are facing tough question about their budget plan…but only from libertarians who know the GOP is full of hot air.

Boxtox may deaden perception…of how narcisstic you really are.

1 in 4 students reports bullying in Massachusetts schools…all the more reason for students to get wicked drunk.

More deadly mortar attacks have taken place in Libya…which now makes Iraq look like a prime vacation spot.

A colorado mall has reopened after a pipe bomb was found…but it’s Colorado so perhaps it was a pipe bong.

Jennifer Lopez has launched a new reality show…presumably involving lots of slashes as in her job description singer/actress/producer/mom/celebrity/judge.

Japan has sealed a restricted zone around its crippled nuke plant…it’s a (glowing) green zone.

Pro-government sutents launched a brutal crackdown on protesting peers at Damascus University…as homework for their class Tyranny 101.

A study finds pregnant woman exposed to pesticides have children with slightly lower IQs…so instead of fruits and veggies enjoy your Twinkies preggos.

Lady Gaga has apologized for her “retarded” comment…the honeymoon is over…the media is no longer gaga for Gaga.

Donald Trump is reportedly closer to deciding whether he’ll run for president…he’s still consulting…his ego.

GE reported a 77% increase in first-quarter earnings…now that’s “green” energy.

Two cargo ships are suspected to have been hijacked by priates in the Arabian sea…or their captains are just having fun.

California may tax soda…but would make a lot more if they taxed weed.

Headscarves reportedly slow women’s careers…mostly in the 500 meter dash…all that flapping in the breeze.

Military analysts say the war in Libya could drag…upon hearing this news defense contractors are now buying third and fourth homes.

The President appeared at a town hall meeting at Facebook headquarters…to view a prototype of the next new Facebook craze…Obamaville.

Experts say the end of emergency rule in Syria is unlikely to quell protests or stop arrests…because that government is having way too much fun with oppression.

Lady Gaga says she did not ban Weird Al Yankovic from parodying her hit song “Born This Way”…let’s hope not because everyone wants to see Weird Al slip into a meat dress.

Donald Trump is visiting states that vote early in presidential elections…in hopes they have low standards for candidates.

A program that puts air traffic controllers in cockpits is being brought back…it’s called the “Grab-Your-Ankles-And-Kiss-Your-Ass-Goodbye” training.

Gold rallied above $1,500 an ounce…forget cash for gold; we want gold for cash.

South Florida existing home sales increased nearly 50% in March…it must have been a good month for Bolivan marching powder pushers.

Nissan says it will deliver 20,000 electric cars by September…”Z” apparently stands for snooze.

The Black Eyed Peas are opening an arts academy in Manhattan…where presumably students will get discounts on AutoTune.

75% of prescriptions in the US are for generic drugs…that makes 25% of prescription buyers either dumb or rich.

Anti-malaria durgs worth millions of dollars have been stolen…by very angry mosquitoes.

Scientists working on malaria have found a way of genetically manipulating mosquitoes…the ultimate Cutter.

Half of Iowa Republicans don’t believe Barack Obama was born in the US…and the other half believe in alien abductions.

Syria has lifted its decades-old emergency laws…each stretcher must no longer include a burqa.

The President says he’s optimistic that Republicans and Democrats will find a way to reduce the deficit…because both will agree to continue picking our pockets.

A judge in the Charlie Sheen/Brooke Mueller custody battle has thrown the media out of the courtroom…now can look forward to drawings of warlocks and winners.

Libya has vowed to fight any foreign troops on its soil…except the CIA.

China issued a cautiously worded response to the S & P adjustment of US government debt…”Oh Shit.”

New guidelines redefine Alzheimer’s…forgetting where you parked your car is not Alzheimer’s…forgetting you last drove a car 30 years ago…maybe.

In March , unemployment dropped in more than 30 states…where you can now buy drugs from a lot more dealers.

A mother’s diet during pregnancy may alter her child’s DNA…so anorexic moms must turn out marathon runners.

Hung over surgeons make more mistakes…like coming to work hung over.

Americans who host exchange students can take advantage of tax deductions…presumably this includes madams who run Asian brothels.

Japanese voters are calling for the Prime Minister to resign…their anger has gone nuclear.

Libyan rebels continue fighting Qaddafi loyalists…who make the Irish look way less stubborn.

The author of the popular book “Three Cups of Tea” has been accused of lying…so perhaps there was only one cup.

An American almost won the women’s Boston Marathon…which tells you how desperate we are for good news.

The Obamas earned about two-thirds less in 2010 than the year before…and are now are “struggling” to make it on $1.7 million a year.

Nearly half of US households owe no federal income taxes…and we call those households unemployed.

Match.com will start screening for sex offenders…or is missing out on a golden opportunity to make more money with a new website.

The price of oil dropped but the the price of gas keeps rising…now we know why America hasn’t built a new refinery in 30 years.

A brain cancer fighting device has now been approved by the FDA…otherwise known as a Taser.

A report finds Canadian injection clinics designed for drug addicts cut overdose deaths…but given what they do to property values they must make the middle class want to shoot up in frustration.

A study shows gay tolerant environments make life feel tolerable for gays…so in other words fashion houses, Broadway theaters, and hair salons.

The president-elect of the American College of Surgeons has resigned after writing a Valentine’s Day editorial touting the mood-enhancing effects of semen…which sounds more like a letter you’d read in Penthouse Forum.