NATO has warned Libyan rebels against attacking Libyan civilians…but apparently forgot to tell the US to avoid the same thing.

The US Defense Secretary has ruled out the use of US ground forces in Libya…which can only mean one thing…the US will use ground forces in Libya.

The House Speaker may compromise with Democrats on government spending cuts…the GOP will supply the smoke while the Dems adjust the mirrors.

Medicare will cover prostate cancer immunotherapy…the US government cares about your dick even while they screw you in the ass.

Leonard Nimoy will voice the character Sentinel Prime in the next Transformers flick…now if they could only get William Shatner to sing Mr. Tambourine Man for the soundtrack.

Microsoft has filed an antitrust complaint against Google…one bully is kicking sand in the face of another bully!

Ireland’s banks need $24 billion more in additional capital…ironically the only thing left in Ireland with any real value will eventually be potatos.

Britney Spears says she’d love to tour with Usher…makes sense…two Michael Jackson wannabes together at the same time…thus violating the laws of entertainment physics.

Director James Cameron is urging the film industry to use faster frame rates…I thought the porn industry was already doing this!

Arnold Schwarzenegger will play ‘The Governator’ in a new autobiographical cartoon series…which was also known as his political career.

John Travolta will play John Gotti in a new movie…no need to do anything to prepare except eat more donuts.

A half a million people die in the US yearly from smoking…leaving so few cool people.

Cutting canned foods from your diet reduces your exposure to BPA…but increases your exposure to something few Americans experience…real food.

The President has OK’d secret help for Libyan rebels…it’s a secret only to the rebels.

The Libyan Foreign Minister has defected…Gaddafi is no longer the big pimp so the FM is leaving for a bigger pimp…America.

The President has unveiled a new energy plan…tapping the electricity generated by the brains of citizens whose hopes and dreams have been robbed by his policies.

The witness list has been trimmed for the Barry Bonds trial…they’re down to grilling one syringe.

Ohio Republicans have OK’d the restriction of collective bargaining rights of the state’s public unions…if there are any left in the Rust Belt.

A panel is looking into research that links food coloring and hyperactivity…first witness? The Easter Bunny.

The Obama administration sharply criticized Syria’s president for not addressing any reforms demanded by anti-government protesters…something he learned from the Obama administration.

The FDA ruled pharmacies can continue to make and sell generic versions of a premature birth drug…which was previously known as crack.

Google is mimicing Facebook with a new social media product…CIA Farmville…instead of cultivating crops…you cultivate cronies.

Explosions in Tripoli and carnage in Misrata…Libya sounds like an Italian opera…where everyone dies.

The President says America’s intervention in Libya is morally and strategically necessary…only to the rich who are not fighting.

The coalition vows to keep up military pressure on Libya…if by coalition you mean America and by military pressure you mean killing and Libya you mean US protectorate.

An elusive Bronx zoo cobra remains on the loose…that ought put a dent in the subway rat problem.

US home prices fell again in January…like Charlie Sheen off a bar stool.

Mad Men’s Season 5 has been delayed until 2012…when they’ll be the Really Mad Men.

NY’s Attorney General will review a proposed merger between AT & T and T-Mobile…the T’s will definitely be crossed.

Enrique Iglesias has reportedly dropped out of a tour with Britney Spears…no need for Britney when you have Anna Kournikova waiting at home for you.

Researchers report a broken heart causes real physical pain…usually from plunging a knife into the one who dumped you.

Teen death rates are outpacing infant ones…enjoy life before you hit the ripe old age of 13.

The US is using low-flying planes to attack Libya…and filming a new video “When Hang Gliders Attack!”

The director of Black Swan says lead actress Natalie Portman danced in nearly all the scenes…but hopefully used a body double for the casting couch.

Walnuts reportedly fight more free radicals than other nuts…but you’ll develop carpel tunnel trying to crack them.

Doctors have identified a new illness “Facebook depression”…if you really want to experience depression…log on to MySpace.

Consumer spending increased less than 1% in February…especially on anti-depressants.

Democrates offered to cut another $20 billion from the US budget…no more donuts at the White House.

Ed Harris will play John McCain in HBO’s “Game Change”…so presumably John McCain will start voicing home improvement store TV ads.

Radiation is spiking in the sea near the crippled Japanese nuclear plant…now the people have gills and the fish have legs.

Libya has ceded control of a key city…Oz…pay no attention to the badly-dressed dictator behind the curtain…or the CIA behind him.

Bret Michaels is suing CBS and the Tony awards over his head injury…there go the profits from the increased ratings as a result of the falling scenery.

Facebook is finetuning its Questions feature…which I always thought was simply a status update.

The Postal Service is cutting 7,500 managers…and presumably stamps will be $50.

The Girl Scouts are accepting credit cards for cookies…enjoy paying interest on Tagalongs.

Borders is handing out $8.3 million in executive bonuses while closing hundreds of stores…making its book seem red and black.

Japan’s crippled nuclear reactor may have a core leak…which could be stopped if Aflac fills the core with toy ducks featuring ex-spokesman Gilbert Gottfried’s voice.

Yemen’s long-time ruler says he must remain in power because his opponents are untrustworthy…American culture really is everywhere.

The FAA has suspended an air traffic supervisor who reportedly fell alseep on the job…then again I don’t want a sleep-deprived air traffic supervisor in charge of my plane.

US GDP grew more than 3% in the 4th quarter last year…if you consider issuing more debt…growth.

Mini-strokes may increase the risk of a heart attack…and drooling.

Less serotonin in the body may lead to increased bisexuality…usually its just show tunes, assless chaps, or prison.

The Hispanic population in the US has topped 50 million…finally Taco Bell may disappear and real Mexican restaurants may surge!

Young adults who frequently attend church are 50% more likely to be fat…makes you wonder how many calories are in communion.

6 months of hormone therapy and radiation cuts the risk of dying of advanced prostate cancer in half…and help you grow great man tits.

Sleep-deprived people eat 300 more calories than when they’re well-rested…quit sleep-walking to the kitchen.

A new report finds students are meeting fitness goals…such as the ability to walk from the classroom to the gym without gasping for breath.

A study finds Americans’ exposure to mercury from fish won’t harm hearts…minds, lungs, and bones…but not hearts.

Libyans gathered for the funeral of victims of an airstrike…thus making themselves targets for another airstrike…time to move underground.

The President is facing mounting criticims over Libya…by everyone but Americans…we’re too busy watching Dancing With The Stars.

Japan says it must review its nuclear power policy…that policy must be as politically radioactive as Japan’s drinking water.

Tributes to Elizabeth Taylor are pouring in…from every celebrity desperate for more PR.

Momentum appears to be building to bailout Portugal…bailouts are to central bankers what Viagra is to aging men.

A US solider has been sentenced to 24 years in prsion for murdering an Afghan…where the only think keeping him warm will be an afghan.

37 protestors have been killed in Syria…perhaps protestors need a union with life as a chief benefit.

Turkey and France are at odds over Libya air campaign…and you thought colonialism was a relic of the 20th century.

Transgendered residents of NYC are suing over birth certificates…just produce ones that are half blue and half pink.

The US is developing a radiation sickness drug…and that drug is called crack.

A strong earthquake has struck Myanmar…with tremors almost as sharp as Americans wondering where is Myanmar?

Michael Lohan has been arrested on a domestic violence charge…making Lindsey Lohan look well-adjusted.

Jermey Piven is reportedly being courted to replace Charlie Sheen on Two-And-A-Half Men…meanwhile Charlie Sheen is being courted to replace Jeremy Piven in PCU Part Deux.

Experts say lab-grown sperm might cure male infertility…but so would lab-grown supermodels.

A new study finds sex can trigger heart attacks…best to avoid the trapeze work…unless you have a suitable sex stunt double.

Nearly 7 million cpies of Firefox 4 were downloaded in just 24 hours…making Firefox 4 the Cindy Margolis of web browsers.

The President has ruled out a “land invasion” of Libya…sea and air yes…but no land.

US new home sales have dropped to a record low…but homelessness is at a near record high…seems to me we could just give the homeless foreclosed homes.

Conflicting reports surround attack near a southern Syria mosque…things are so violent in the Middle East even the reports are conflicting.

Groupon says its president and COO will leave the company in the coming months…presumably they’ll find a new president/COO by asking people to round up as many friends as possible.

Tokyo’s tap water has been deemed unsafe for babies…who apparently will grow up with parents who glow.

Libyan rebels have formed an interim government…call it Gaddafi-light.

A F-15 fighter jet has crashed in Libya…like Charlie Sheen on a 36-hour bender.

Criticim of Col Gafhafi is growing…like fungus on the North side of a tree.

Rumor has it Charlie Sheen is returning to “Two And A Half Men”…or a new series called Winning.

Charlie Sheen kissed Jimmy Kimmel…now you know Charlie had to be high…even Sarah Silverman got tired of kissing Jimmy Kimmel.

Kristie Alley debuted on “Dancing With The Stars”…upping the bill for green room Twinkies.

The Indian Gulch fire near Golden Gate Canyon is growing…which sounds like the first chapter of a novel by Zane Grey.

Toyota and Honda have extended their plant shutdowns…the best news for American car companies since 1950.

Spent fuel has hampered maintenance efforts at a crippled Japanese nuclear plant…like a senior coming off a Viagra binge.

Drunk bitches are almost never fun…unless they’re appearing on camera for a Girls Gone Wild Video.

Bars, clubs, and restaurants are filled with people who really want to have a good time…which you will inevitably ruin.

Strangers could give two shits about your upcoming nuptials.

There’s always one girl who winds up crying and destroying any chance of you really having fun.

While you are bonding with your girls…your fiancée is getting his glasses broken by a stripper who is bouncing his head off her ass.

At least one girl will pass out and get sick in the rented limo forcing up the cost by making you pay for the cleaning.

The world is already filled with cock teases…we don’t need 25 more.

You are never drunk enough for men to take advantage of you…most of the time.

If you and your girls really want to bond…you’ll stay home and have naked pillow fights so you have an excuse to “experiment” one last time.

Penis straws, cock cups, and dick necklaces send one message…one of my whore white trash girlfriends gets an employee discount at Spencer Gifts.