The US is tightening its military grip on Gaddafi…likely loose enough to allow him to escape to a tropical island.

The last American World War 1 veteran has died…unfortunately war has outlived him.

Charlie Sheen’s attorney says his client deserves to be paid for episodes never produced…that drug bill must be adding up.

Egypt has banned former president Mubarak from traveling and frozen his assets…27 camels and 17 hookers are now out of work…or 27 hookers and 17 camels.

Consumer Reports annual auto rankings praise Honda and Subaru…if Toyota doesn’t get its act together they’ll be picked last for the auto makers’ kickball team.

Warren Buffett is looking to acquire more holdings…like America.

Google has restored e-mail to some users who had found their old e-mails deleted…someone at the CIA hit the wrong button.

A medicinal gel may prevent the transmission of HIV during anal sex…it’s called Ben Gay.

An emergency plan to outlaw the sale of five chemicals used in herbal blends to make synthetic marijuana is official…real pot growers need to adopt Coke’s slogan “Aint’ Nothin’ Like The Real Thing.”

Fish oil builds muscle mass in cancer patients…they have really defined…gills.

Anti-Libyan regime rebels are reportedly making gains…in the blood donation department.

The Royal Airforce has lifted 150 people out of Libya…and 400 crates of tea.

Wisconsin’s Governor has dug in his heels in his fight with the unions…while likely working union hours.

The GOPs is keeping the pressure on Democrats to cut spending…but if they were arm wrestling they’d be using half power.

Charlie Sheen says he’s on a drug called Charlie Sheen…so that’s what they call crack these days.

China’s Premier has lowered the country’s economic growth targets…because American trailer park residents are no longer buying as many velvet Elvises.

Passengers at three major US airports have been exposed to measles…if only you could return that along with book you bought at the airport bookstore.

Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband says he chased two intruders with a baseball bat…or Zsa Zsa is kinkier than we knew.

Senator Schumer is calling on popular websites to step up consumer protection…now only if one industry would do it…porn.

More violence has broken out in Libya…where I wish I could open a kiosk selling Band-Aids, gauze, and antibiotics.

Under orders from the President, the federal government will no longer defend the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act…but the real problem is the administration won’t defend the constitutionality of the Constitution.

Iran’s Russian-built nuclear plant in Bushehr has yet to be up and running…some Iranians must be depositing fat checks from the CIA.

Charlie Sheen says he is not an anti-semite…a big mouth, meglomanical Hollywood douchebag….but not an anti-semite.

Egypt’s ruling military council has apologized after military police beat protesters…who knew they made greeting cards for these occassions.

China is detaining human rights activitists after an online campaign called for pro-democracy demonstrations…in a new online game called Upsetville.

Security forces in the Tunisian capital have fired tear gas to try to disperse hundreds of demonstrators…when all they would need to do is offer crowds free food.

The British government is telling its citizens to eat less red meat…but they don’t have the balls to tell the English to drink less beer…yet.

Passengers at Denver International Airport may have been exposed to measles…forget TSA X-ray porno scanners and groping, the biggest threat to passengers could’ve been prevented by handing out surgical masks.

Sacramento is awaiting the opening of weGrow known as the “Wal-Mart of weed”…the parking lot must have to be as big as the one at a Wal-Mart Super Center to accommodate Californians.

The US has imposed sanctions on Libya…the Colonel is now required to meet with a fashion designer.

Providence, Rhode Island sent pink slips to 2,000 teachers…if passing notes in class gets you detention, receiving notes after class gets you fired.

House Republicans unveiled a short-term, stopgap-spending measure in the hope of averting a government shutdown…or more accurately a political career shutdown.

The Wisconsin Assembly has passed its anti-union bill…civil war re-enactors will soon only be able to impersonate Confederate soldiers.

Production of the hit CBS comedy “Two and a Half Men” has been suspended…the best news to come out of Hollywood since Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estefez decided not to make a sequel to “Men At Work.”

Bank of America and Wells Fargo may face fines or other punishements over foreclosures…they’ll wind up paying what their customers owe them.

Google is adjusting its algorithm…the CIA loves its porn.

Kelsey Grammer has married for the fourth time…making him the Liz Taylor-In-Training of 21st Century Hollywood.

Stress and tension do not lower the success of a woman’s fertility treatment…they just kill the desire of men willing to take advantage of a “fertile” woman.

Scientists say menopausal hot flashes may be good for the heart…but not for men hoping to get laid.

A new study finds most “locked-in syndrome” patients — a condition caused by brain stem injury — claim to be happy…like Charlie Sheen.

Wisconsin Republicans are pressing for a vote on the Governor’s budget bill…they’re wound so tight they could turn coal into diamonds.

Thousands of foreigners are trying to get out of Libya…all humming A Horse With No Name.

The WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange will be extradited to Sweden…great news for him…more hot babes.

The loss of Libyan oil is a heavy blow to European refiners…the French have started burning cheese.

Toyota is recalling 2.17 million more vehicles over sudden-acceleration problems…time for Toyota to bring back its classic advertising slogan “Oh What A Feeling”…while crashing into a brick wall.

New home sales dropped nearly 13% in January…about the same percentage of home owners who’d died trying to keep up with underwater mortgages.

James Franco and Anne Hathaway are taping a ‘Grease’ homage for the Oscars…proving the producers have run out of new ideas.

GM has posted its biggest net profit since 1999…now its not just their vehicles that make you feel like you’ve traveled back in time.

Houston gasoline prices are over $3 a gallon…Texans better order extra nitro to treat heart attack victims.

Brooke Mueller has moved back in with Charlie Sheen…it must be hard to find a gift for this occasion…perhaps a new monogrammed crack pipe for Charlie.

People are leaving Libya…faster than porn stars flying out of hotel rooms occupied by Charlie Sheen.

Union backers and Tea Party members are protesting in Wisconsin…the only thing they have in common.

The Obama administration says it will no longer defend the federal law that says marriage can exist only between a man and a woman…but it will defend the federal law that says citizenship involves indentured servitude.

A study finds pot allows chemotherapy patients to regain their ability to taste and enjoy food…especially Cheetos.

It’s National Eating Disorder Awareness Week…bring a doggie bag…and an airsickness bag.

Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi says he can’t resign since he’s not president…he hates the US but he sure parses words like American politicians.

Tens of thousands of Bahrainis have joined an anti-government rally…automatically doubling sales of lozenges.

The UK is chartering a plane to Libya to help stranded Britons return home…as if there are any left in Libya.

Justin Bieber cut his hair…hospitals across the country are now being flooded by teen girls having panic attacks.

A government study finds cell phones increase activity in brain cells…except for in the part of the brain that can hold a conversation and drive a car.

Apple will reportedly unveil its next-generation iPad on March 2…meanwhile its customers are set to unveil their next generation credit card bills to buy it.

Alyssa Milano is pregnant…her biological clock is the boss.

US home prices are nearing 2009 lows…while drug use for depression is nearing 2007 highs.

Keifer Sutherland says a movie version of his hit TV show “24” is still in the works…making it likely to be the next Basic Instinct 2…years late and light on plot.

Ted Williams known as the “homeless radio guy” is set to star in a new reality TV show…I thought he already did…it’s called the news.

China has stepped up security following calls for protesters to stage a revolution…just stop making products for dollar stores and that’ll bring the world to its knees.

Protesters are marching in cities across Morocco…or they’re American tourists searching for good deals.

Bahrain has backed off from confronting protesters but Libya has killed dozens of them…proving common sense in the Middle East is a matter of geography.

Chairman of the US Joint Chiefs of Staff has arrived in Saudi Arabia…hope he packed his knee pads.

The Kardashians raked in 65 million last year…proving if you show your ass or you are an ass…you can make a fortune.

Kobe Bryant has been immortalized at Grauman’s Chinese Theater…unlike Shaq’s movie Kazaam.

Oil companies plan to evacuate from Libya…you know things are bad when even oil company executives are thinking…maybe this electric car thing has potential.

Libya is warning protesters…after they shoot them.

A 20-year-old won the Daytona 500…there go his car insurance premiums through the roof.

YouTube videos showing teens cutting themselves are now circulating…OK this vampire thing has really reached its limit.

Charlie Sheen says he’s “married to baseball”…and much like his ex-wives baseball probably wants to take a bat to him.

House Republicans have passed a budget that targets many popular programs…but not the post popular…Keep A Legislator In A Job program.

Tea Party members are now protesting in Madison, Wisconsin…they’re not quite as fast as Minute Men; they’re more like 72-hour Men.

Bahrain protesters have retaken Bahrain’s Central Square…if this were Hollywood Squares circa ’98 to ’04…the protesters just snagged center square occupant Martin Mull.

Rumor has it Apple is developing a device sized between an iPad and iPod…the iPocketbook.

Lindsey Lohan’s mom is reportedly planning to visit her daughter…for Pick Up Your Daughter From Rehab Day.

The ability to speak a second language reportedly helps ward off Alzheimer’s…let’s hope a second language is considered gibberish.

A survey finds nearly 50% of kids who drink get the booze from parents and relatives…and the other 50% get it from a creepy uncle.

New British research suggets cognitive behavior or exercise therapy may help reduce chronic fatigue syndrome…but talking about how tired you are while lifting weights makes you tired.

Knee replacement surgery takes longer for obese patients…but mouth surgery takes seconds.

A new study finds stretching before a run won’t prevent injury…except for eye injuries when oogling a great looking chick in spandex doing deep knee bends.

A California school district is tracking students with GPS…with useful directions like: turn right to enter the smoking section of the boy’s bathroom.

Protests continue in Wisconsin…where they must be running out of cheese snacks but not rage.

Security forces in Bahrain opened fired on mourners…to the delight of casket makers.

No signs of Midwest unrest easing…amazing how much energy protesters still have without eating…must be high from hookahs.

US and EU regulators are eying Apple’s subscription plan…which can only mean one thing…the market loves it.

Fed Head Ben Bernanke says the Fed won’t fall on its sword to save the world’s economy…if only it would just fall on its sword and go out of business…it would save the world economy.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs has been photographed having dinner with the President…Obama must’ve asked him to get rid of those pesky iPads so people can’t immediately bitch about the President’s policies.

Caterpillar sales jumped nearly 50% in January…tons of Americans are digging tunnels out of the country.

Denise Richards is reportedly hoping for a coveted spot on the next series of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills…I’d only watch if she promises to re-create the scene from Wild Things.

Exercise may help treat chronic fatigue syndrome…especially if you can fit your bed on your treadmill.

A rusty knife has been removed from a Chinese man’s head after four years…which sounds exactly like what we can expect from health care reform.