Keith Olbermann has left MSNBC…unfortunately for staffers it’ll take another month to get his ego out the door.

The President says he wants to spend the next two years “putting the economy into overdrive”…while government stomps on the brake with more taxes, fees, and regulations.

Researchers say home HEPA filters can help curb heart disease…especially if you use them to strain french fry oil.

Citigroup’s CEO will get a $1.75 million dollar raise…much like the blood pressure of most unemployed Americans.

Idaho’s unemployment rate is now higher than the nation’s…until the all potato diet becomes all the rage.

Oprah Winfrey is promising to reveal a family secret that she says ‘literally shook me to my core’…she was born a white man.

A new book The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother advocates a strict Chinese parenting style…Chinese time out consists of six months in a gulag.

Anne Hathaway will play Catwoman in “The Dark Knight Rises”…which I’m sure he will after seeing her in skin tight black latex.

Scientists say the Earth could find itself with a ‘second sun’ for a period of weeks later this year…welcome to Tatooine.

A crocodile at an aquarium in Ukraine ate a mobile phone…so he can now really talk to the other animals.

It’s National Hug Day…but still be wary of guys wearing raincoats, driving vans, offering candy.

American Idol’s ratings are dropping…along with the bills of parents whose kids used to want to fly to LA to audition.

A woman’s voice box was replaced in groundbreaking surgery…destroying the fantasies of millions of husbands hoping for just one silent wife.

Wisconsin Republican Rep. Paul Ryan will deliver the Republican response to the President’s State of the Union address…no need to prep…so few watch.

Bank of America reported a 4th-quarter loss of $1.2 billion…maybe it should consider cutting up its own credit cards!

Unemployment in Texas is rising…like the Rio Grande after cowboys go on a bender.

A nurse fired for allegedly looking at the medical records of Tiger Woods is suing and says he never saw the files…plus there’s probably more information online anyway.

The Chinese President is meeting with US Congressional leaders…a scene reminisent of a mob meeting in the Untouchables…with China’s Prez playing DiNero.

The Feds nabbed 127 suspects in a mob sweep…in related news…sales of clams casino are down at Italian restaurants throughout the Northeast.

Wal-Mart plans to stock healthier more affordable foods…trailer park denizens will now eat more broccoli…on breaks from Drakes Cakes.

California Governor Jerry Brown has declared a fiscal emergency…Moonbeam must’ve run out of pot…or brownies…or both.

George Clooney contracted malaria on a trip to the Sudan…even mosquitoes can’t keep their “hands” off of him.

The President paid tribute to the “unfinished life” of President Kennedy…just think of all the affairs he didn’t get to start.

Michael Jackson’s estate is suing a businessman who has teamed up with the singer’s mom to market memorabilia…forget the King of Pop, he’s the King of Litigation.

West Virginia received across-the-board failing grades for its efforts to control tobacco use…as well as idiocy and incest.

US Surgeon General has announced a ”call to action” to support breastfeeding…whip out your tits moms..it’s patriotic.

Researchers say popular sleep drugs can leave even the healthiest older people groggy, and prone to stumbling, falling and confusion when they wake up…thank God…it turns shuffleboard into stumbleboard.

Reseachers say the antidepressant Lexapro appears to significantly cut hot flashes in menopausal women…now they’re probably just feeling down about the fact that they have to take a drug to keep cool.

X-Men: First Class is set for an early June release…Wolverine wears a steel smoking jacket.

Simon Cowell says he had to teach himself everything he knows because he spent his school days getting into trouble…exactly like he’s spent his adult years.

President Obama has welcomed China’s President on his trip to the US…probably using money America borrowed from Chinese central bankers…so China’s Prez is paying for his own welcome.

Goldman Sach’s earnings dropped 52%…apparently Goldman’s so-called “God’s work” doesn’t pay as well in 2011.

Researchers say not everyone needs statins to prevent heart disease…just the pharmaceutical company executives counting on huge bonuses.

Jennifer Aniston says she thought her “Rachel” haircut was ugly…way to take a stand…7 years after the show ended.

Ryan Secreast may fill the shoes of the retiring Regis Philbin…that’s SOP in Hollywood…replace obnoxiousness with vacuous cuteness.

Senator Joe Lieberman will not run for re-election in 2012…so he can voice cartoons about Droopy Dog.

A study finds video game addiction tied to depression in kids…which they can work out with an app.

Apple shares fell nearly 5% as CEO Steve Jobs took medical leave…which you can track with a new app.

The White House says it’s “open” to GOP suggestions to improve the new health care reform law…about as open as an alcoholic willing to switch from beer to vodka.

Regis Philbin is retiring from his talk show…let’s just hope Kathi Lee Gifford stays away.

Essentially fatty acids may reduce PMS symptoms…and woman call those essentially fatty acids Kit Kats.

China’s leader is meeting with US leaders in the States…it’s always nice when an absentee landlord finally visits his long neglected properties.

A California city may put mugshots on Facebook…there’s a great new game Conville.

Contrary to popular belief a new study finds a big breakfast does not lead to fewer daily calories…but it does lead to increased sales of bigger pants.

A new study finds as many as 1 in 16 US surgeons harbored suicidal thoughts…apparently surgeons need operations…on their brains.

The media is asking whether Golden Globes host Ricky Gervais went too far…which really means did he juice up the ratings enough?

Apple CEO Steve jobs is taking a medical leave…which in Apple speak must be known as iLeave.

Former Haitian dictator Jean-Claude ‘Baby Doc’ Duvalier has returned to the country…apparently with engorged balls.

The House of Representatives is set to vote to repeal the President’s health care overhaul…but without Senate support it seems like political masturbation.

WikiLeaks plans to release data on bank accounts that may have been set up to evade taxes…the global elite’s panties just twisted some more.

Gas prices are rising for the 7th straight week…unfortunately that’s about the only statistic measuring the American economy that’s on its way up.

South Korea has dispatched a destroyer to rescue a tanker hijacked by Somali pirates…who seem to be bent on collecting ships like deranged Battleship players.

Ivory Coast’s incumbent government says it is not intimidated by economic sanctions…hard to intimidate the poor with more poverty.

Sarah Palin will appear on Sean Hannity’s program on Fox News Monday…guaranteeing an interview made of cottage cheese.

Research shows smoking damages DNA within minutes…and that damaged DNA is especially attractive to guys trying to pick up chicks who smoke.

Toxic Waste candy bars have been recalled because they’re reportedly toxic…at least there’s truth in some modern advertising.

10,000 steps a day may lower diabetes risk…as long as you enjoy bunions.

A Japanese team is attempting to clone a Woolly Mammoth…unfortunately for most Japanese…scientists are not trying to clone a healthy economy.

Africa’s highest security body has recognized the speaker of Tunisia’s national assembly as interim leader…he must be the one with the most guns.

JP Morgan Chase says its credit-card unit accounted for 27% of the bank’s 4th-quarter profit…and 75% of the nation’s aggravation.

A military advisory panel says women should be allowed in combat…now if they were topless they might actually prevent combat.

Several big US companies top financial executives have endorsed a proposed revamping of corporate-tax rules…break out the ski masks and handguns.

Blueberries reportedly protect against hypertension…but not against gas…have some Beano.

Experts say flu season looks normal…except for vaccine makers with stress-related flu from selling less vaccines.

Nearly 90 girls are pregnant or already have a child at a Memphis City School…forget the dirty south…it’s the birthing south.

Deadly rioting in Tunis…where they’ve run out of Tunics.

Deadly mudslides in Brazil…or Carnival has started early.

JP Morgan bankers will share a $10 billion dollar bonus…apparently the JP stands for Just Profits.

British researchers find breastfeeding exclusively for the first six months is not necessarily best for a baby’s health…but great for fathers’ libidos.

Federal health officials are restricting the strength of popular prescription painkillers…but thank God not the most popular…beer, wine, and scotch.

US retail sales climbed in December for a sixth straight month…but the they climbed a bunny hill.

A new study finds pregnant women have lots of toxic chemicals in their body…the chief being sperm.

A study finds students who write about their test-taking anxiety perform better on tests…perhaps that’s the test.

The US Agriculture Secretary plans to overhaul the nutrition guidelines for public school meals for the first time since 1995…no more glow sticks with your sloppy joe.

Illinois Governor Pat Quinn says he will “follow his conscience” in deciding whether to sign a bill abolishing the death penalty…but he’s a politician…a conscience is like floor mats in a car…optional.

Facebook has unveiled an Amber Alert notification service…if a cow is every missing in Farmville…you’ll know immediately.

China’s central bank guided the yuan past 6.60 per dollar…the yuan is the only thing being guided past the dollar…America’s future just sailed by too.

The Fed says the economy “continued to expand moderately” at the end of last year…if by moderately you mean miserably.

Wikipedia is turning 10…so it must now be interested in girls.

Peter Fonda reportedly found a dead body on Sunset Blvd…proving he’s still alive.

John Travolta and his wife have a new baby…Travolta must’ve bought a new weave.