A federal judge in Florida has ruled the health care reform law unconstitutional…although some seniors thought they heard that he ruled the law incontinent.

Cairo protesters are planning a huge rally…you know things are bad in Egypt when the pyramids have been replaced by riots as the number one tourist attraction.

Brent crude topped $100 a barrel for the first time since 2008…oil prices are aging about as well as starlets who refuse plastic surgery.

Charlie Sheen is in rehab at home…someone better check for the hidden wet bars.

New dietary guidelines instruct people to eat less, eat better, and reduce salt…so in other words never eat anything made in America.

A new study suggests suffering a Super Bowl loss can be hazardous to one’s heart…but only if you pass out in the spinach dip.

The Obama administration has launched a consolidated effort to spur new start-up businesses…tax breaks for hookers, strippers, and pimps.

Older adults who took a brisk walk three times a week did better on memory tests…especially remembering to tie their sneakers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will honor the late fitness pioneer Jack LaLanne…by slipping on a velor jumpsuit.

Scientists see dangers in energy drinks…but I bet some scientists drink them especially when conducting research for nights on end.

The Egyptian military staged an apparent show of strength during a sixth day of anti-government protests…by sending in armed camels.

The GOP wants more workplace raids for illegal immigrants…that’ll force most Republicans to hire new housekeepers.

The government has expanded the pool of Korean War vets who can make claims related to exposure to Agent Orange…but still won’t treat Korean War vets for exposure to bad kimchi.

Qatar-based Al Jazeera newschannel has been shut down in Egypt…proving the CIA really is running Egypt.

British actor Henry Cavill will play Superman in the upcoming movie…other changes include a velvet smoking jacket, pipe, and love of poetry for Clark Kent.

Jonathan Knight of New Kids on the Block says he’s gay…destroying the fantasies of now 40-year-old soccer moms who lusted after him in the 80s.

The Egyptian president has appointed an ex-spy chief as VP…which will come in handy when the VP wants to know what the prez is doing…since most VPs are about as welcome as a boil on an ass.

Charlie Sheen wrote a $30,000 check to a porn star in the middle of his 36-hour party binge…but it was for charity…the Charlie Sheen Foundation for Underprivileged Porn Stars.

California Governor Jerry Brown has a plan to save $1.8 billion for California schools…it involves a ski mask, handgun, and California taxpayers.

Goldman Sachs awarded its chief executive $12.6m in restricted stock…”doing God’s work” is apparently quite profitable…but his god must be the golden calf.

Pentagon officials are revealing more details about how they plan to implement the reversal of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell”…it involves sewing a modest number of sequins on uniforms each week until the corp is ready for Vegas.

Ford made $6.6 billion last year…and presumably Mike Rowe made at least $1 billion voicing their commercials…that’s no dirty job.

UK Foreign Secretary William Hague says Egyptian authorities should not seek to “suppress people’s right to freedom of expression”…unlike the UK which has actually suppressed people’s right to freedom of expression.

Charlie Sheen is out of the hospital and planning to be back on the set of Two And A Half Men…unfortunately for TV viewers.

Kim Kardashian has praised ex-boyfriend Reggie Yates with helping her to recover emotionally after a sex tape featuring her was made public…nothing quite like post sex-tape nookie to take your mind off taped nookie.

Police searching a BMW in the Bronx found a 33-year-old man barely alive in the trunk…unusual for the Bronx where barely alive people often occupy the front seats of BMWs.

On TNT’s Inside The NBA pregame show actor Tracy Morgan said Sarah Palin is “good masturbation material”…Morgan must’ve read Palin’s book…he really did “Go Rogue”

Katy Perry is about to embark on her first world tour…causing a run on conical bras.

A new study finds menopause could reduce a woman’s risk of developing breast cancer by up to 50%…but increasing the emotional stress men feel by 50%.

A study finds abortion does not lead to mental health issues…apparently regret is not considered a “mental health issue.”

The CDC says 105 million people in the US have diabetes or pre-diabetes…give us time…we can make that 300 million by 2020.

Another record-breaking snowstorm battered the East Coast…making the East in dire need of a Lifetime movie about the battering of a coast.

Egypt’s benchmark stock index plunged as much as 10% amid wild rumors that businessmen were preparing to flee the country…sounds like America circa 2020.

The President’s State of the Union speech drew the smallest audience of his three early-year addresses…but the DVD will surely sell like hotcakes.

Unemployment applications jumped by 51,000 to 454,000 last week…sure to lead to NYC subway turnstile jumping.

The FDA says breast implants may cause a rare blood cancer…in which men leak blood from their eyes while staring at big fake tits.

Thousands of Yemenis took to the streets to demand a change of government…and to sing the song “Can You Tell Me How To Get, How To Get To Yemeni Street?”

The CBO predicts the US budget deficit to hit $1.5 trillion…then again the CBO predicts government debt the same way meterologists predict the weather…using a dart board.

Russia’s President fired a senior transport police commander for failure to prevent a suicide bombing at the country’s busiest airport…thus increasing vodka sales by 25%.

This year’s crop of college freshmen may be feeling higher levels of emotional and financial stress than their predecessors….great news for pizza, booze, and weed suppliers.

A report finds between 1999 and 2009, reliance on Social Security for at least 80% of retirement income ballooned by 48% among men aged 65 an older…seniors are so addicted to Social Security they make crack heads look well-adjusted.

Will Ferrell will guest star on the The Office…or as I like to think of it “The Anchorman: Mini Sequel.”

MTV reportedly has no plans to cancel its controversial teen drama “Skins”…but most likely has a sequel series in mind “Shirts.”

Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann’s response to President Obama’s State of the Union address…was written on a scroll showing a red line through his entire speech.

The President told members of Congress and the nation that he is unwilling to repeal the health care reform bill but is willing to “fix what needs fixing”…if he digs his heels in any harder he’ll need a pedicure.

Jimmy Buffett fell off the stage during a concert in Sydney, Australia…perhaps it’s time for Jimmy to quietly enjoy a cheeseburger in paradise.

US stocks rose and pushed the Dow Jones Industrial Average over the 12,000 mark…and we’re back at the top of the roller coaster…again…bring a change of pants.

Toyota is recalling about 245.000 Lexus cars because of a possible problem with the fuel pressure sensor…thankfully so few Lexus owners actually fuel their own vehicles they don’t care.

A Phoenix radio station has offered Bristol Palin a job…hopefully station mascot…or morning show cheesecake.

Boxer Mike Tyson now has an 8th child…who hopefully will not inherit his Dad’s voice or taste for ears.

Russian leaders are blaming airport security in the wake of a suicide bombing…time to shorten those vodka breaks.

Cuts in government food subsidies saw hundreds of thousands of Egyptians pour into the streets…soon they’ll be trading replicas of the Sphinx for rice.

The “Jersey Shore” cast is heading to Italy…armed with fake tans, terrible English speaking skills, and an acute lack of good taste…technically they’re pop culture terrorists.

Security officials in Israel are closely monitoring the “day of rage” in Lebanon…to see if the official T-shirts are selling well.

Researchers say smoking and obesity are the two main reasons why Americans live shorter lives than the French and the Japanese…there’s something to be said for losing wars… ultimately you live longer.

US consumer confidence has hit an 8th-month high…then again a brief appearance of a head from a grave is considered positive.

A Maryland judge–convicted of drunken driving–is taking sobriety tests before and during his courtroom work…now that’s a TV show starring a judge I’d watch.

Jesse “The Body” Ventura is suing the US government over airport scans and pat downs…although he might get out of them if he’d just don wrestling tights.

A California woman is suing Taco Bell claiming there is too little beef in the restaurant chain’s products to qualify as “seasoned beef”…apparently much like this lawsuit.

The media is speculating about possible themes in the President’s State of the Union address…presumably it runs the gamut from “Oh Shit We’re Screwed” to “Everything Is OK Just Take This Pill.”

“The King’s Speech” has garnered 12 Oscar nominations…assuring Hollywood only a handful of the general public actually watched the movie.

A Chicago car salesman has been fired for sporting a Green Bay Packers tie…who knew car dealers had standards?

Apple is preparing the iPhone and the iPad to make mobile payments…so now you can use your Apple to pay for…your Apple.

US home prices fell for a 5th straight month in November…that’s the best news Generation X has had since Lollapalooza began.

Egyptian police fired a water cannon at protesters…presumably it’s so hot in Cairo by the time it reaches the protesters it’s a light mist.

An expert on President Abraham Lincoln has been accused of changing a historical document…which is really not news…writers alter historical documents all the time…and we call those documents…history textbooks.

The US government recovered $4 billion in health fraud payments last year…which probably means the unscrupulous got away with $8 billion.

Officials have discovered a body in the LA County courthouse…it’s LA…Lady Justice probably hung herself.

The blast at Domodedovo International Airport near Moscow is being investigated as an apparent terrorist attack…or just Russian remodeling.

Palestinian factions are angry after al-Jazeera quoted hundreds of so-called leaked documents…putting a smile on the faces of staffers at Wikileaks…finally another media outlet gets some heat.

Oprah’s big secret is she has a half-sister…I thought she already had one…Gayle King.

In the State of the Union address, the President plans to call for competitiveness…primarily between Democrats and Republicans.

JC Penny plans to close some stores…leaving only 9,000 other ways to buy Dockers.

Google and Mozilla are announcing new privacy features to their browsers…it involves pulling a shade over your monitor.

Fitness legend Jack LaLanne has died…but will be outlived by his polyester-velor blend jogging suit.

A lack of sleep is linked to childhood obesity…so when a student’s head is down on his desk…leave him alone teach!

McDonald’s 4th quarter profits rose more than 2% and global sales rose 5%…finally something America can export in droves…fat.

A woman suspected of snatching a baby from a New York hospital in 1987 has surrendered…if this were an episode of Law and Order Lenny Briscoe would have racked up about 500,000 quips.

The President’s State of the Union address is likely to ignite a clash with Republicans over the federal deficit and budget cuts…but just like a magic show…the will to change anything will vanish.

Tunisia has shut down a popular private TV channel…only government still operates like its the 20th century…they’ve never heard of the Internet.

“No Strings Attached” was tops at the weekend box office…attended presumably by f*ck buddies looking for something to do out of bed.

Martin Kaymer has replaced Tiger Woods as the world’s second best golfer…leaving Tiger more time to chase tail.

An Israeli probe has ruled that a May 2010 raid on Gaza-bound aid ships that killed nine Turks was in keeping with international law…apparently the Israeli investigation was headed by Inspector Clouseau.

The Apple app store has reached 10 billion downloads…presumably 9 billion related to porn.

Apple’s plans for the iPhone 5 may see it move a large number of its parts from Japan to Taiwan…ironically following its customers.

Research shows a volcanic eruption led to mass extinction…but also a ton of luas.

Google has declared war on spam…for the 4,000th time.