New Mexico’s governor has declined to pardon to Billy the Kid…government works really slow in the south.

Arkansas is assessing the damage after a tornado…which requires virtually every abacus in the state.

Nearly 60 cops and FBI agents are trying to convince a Texas bank robber to release two hostages…back in the day it only took one ranger with a black mask.

The Standard & Poor’s 500 Index rose 13% in 2010…pay no attention to the man behind the curtain…Ben Bernanke et al.

Discovery has postponed a Michael Jackson autopsy TV show…until fans can get their Valium scripts filled.

Researchers find one third of 9-year-olds are obese or overweight…time to reinforce the playground.

Researchers say people with a family history of alcoholism may be fueling the obesity epidemic…the only thing people with a family history of alcoholism are fueling are sales at liquor stores, attorneys’ fees, and the bottom lines at auto body repair garages.

Beginning in 2012, the government will require food labels on 40 of the most common cuts of raw beef and poultry…except for the most common…women.

John and Elaine Irwin Mellencamp are divorcing after 18 years of marriage…so that’s how the story of Jack and Diane ends.

An earthquake has shaken Indiana…although a few farm boys thought the ground was moving after too much moonshine.

A Russian oil tycoon has been sentenced to six more years in prison…a scenario some in the US wished would play out for the rest of the industry.

R & B singer Chris Brown has apologized for using gay slurs on Twitter…apparently he’s developing a career of putting his foot in his mouth or in womens’ mouths.

Unemployement has hit its lowest level in two years…instead of being pathetically obscene now its only slightly obscene.

Natalie Portman says the lesbian sex scene in Black Swan drew men to a movie about ballet…that movie was about dancing?

Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi will drop inside a ball on New Year’s Eve…as opposed to other New Year’s Eves where she drops “on” balls.

Rihanna says she considers herself single…especially if you’re violent.

Actors Rupert Everett and Richard Chamberlain say Hollywood is homophobic…apparently they’ve never watched the Logo channel.

Fox analyst Tucker Carlson says Michael Vick “should have been executed”…that bow tie must constrict blood flow to Tucker’s brain…or his leash.

A second gas leak has prompted a wider evacuation in a Detroit suburb…strange there is a need for natural gas near a city that resembles Armageddon.

NYC’s mayor says the city’s emergency response system was overwhelmed by a recent blizzard…snow flakes are the new WMD’s for the Big Apple.

Researchers say a Northeast blizzard delayed about $1 billion in holiday retail sales…and pissed off a lot of people already pissed off by crappy gifts they couldn’t take back.

A poll finds baby boomers fear outliving Medicare…but some of them also feared outliving brown acid, tie-dyed shirts, and bell bottoms…they’ll be OK.

High winds caused a Maine ski lift to derail…if only they could have used the high winds to blow themselves back up the mountain.

5 suspects have been arrested in a plot to attack a Danish newspaper…how quaint suspected terrorists believe newspapers still have power and influence.

South Korea says it plans to begin to prepare to reunify with North Korea…so it’s buying new monogrammed towels.

Some experts estimate Apple could sell 65 million iPads in 2011…if you live in China.

The cost of cleaning up the BP oil spill seems more manageable…compared to US government spending.

Some Rabbis are reportedly urging Jews not to rent or sell homes to non-Jews…so if you find a nice place in a Jewish neighborhood give yourself a nice Hebrew name.

Bottle-fed babies may gain more weight on standard formula…so switch to a light beer.

One of the leading actresses in “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark” is reportedly leaving…presumably Spider-Man the Broadway musical isn’t an acting resume builder.

The Empire Strikes Back has been added to the national film registry…which apparently still moves at the speed of a high school projector.

Consumer confidence has fallen…almost as fast as will the New Year’s ball.

Iran has executed two men, one accused of spying for Israel…and the other of having free will.

Apple is being sued over its app privacy policy…of which there is probably an app.

LeAnn Rimes is engaged…there go any new ideas for love lost country songs.

Testing of an implantable sleep apnea treatment is underway…so that’s what they are now calling ball gags.

Police fatalities jumped nearly 40% in 2010…so presumably suspect deaths spiked 80%.

End-of-life counseling is now part of the new Medicare policy…so in other words there’s potential job growth in the funeral parlor sector.

Vitamin D reportedly helps newborn babies breath better…then again they always have a breast shoved in their mouth so maybe that’s the issue.

The FDA says staph food poisoning has sickened about 100 people in the US in the past two months…or it is a novel weight loss program.

Teen girls’ hearing loss is rising…one more “legitimate” reason for teen girls not to listen to…anyone.

A Moscow judge has found the jailed ex-head of Yukos Oil Co guilty of stealing crude from the company…apparently the theft was crude because he got caught.

Disney star Demi Lovato continues to receive profession treatment for “emotional and physical issues”…translation: egomania.

Scientists have found the size of your amygdala may indicate the size and complexity of your social network…and make it hard to find hats that fit.

Europe is experiencing an increase in flu-related illnesses and deaths…and yet has that “wonderful” system of socialized medicine.

Homeland Security head Janet Napolitano says the full body scanners and airport pat downs are staying…and unfortunately so is she as head of the American gestapo.

A Civil War-era message in a bottle has been opened and decoded…and it reads…”Send More Whiskey.”

Los Angeles is on track to have the lowest murder rate since 1967…in this economy, even killers can’t afford to ply their trade.

An upstate NY group backs Governor-elect Cuomo’s proposal to cap property taxes…like an alcoholic who decides to only have one drink every hour instead of two.

A deadly strip club shooting in Phoenix…now we know what happens in the champagne room…people die.

An ex-Betty Ford rehab center worker has dropped charges against Lindsay Lohan…amazing that a story about Lindsay Lohan involves the word “dropped” and it doesn’t refer to drugs.

Tyler Perry has offered to rebuild the home of an elderly woman who lost her house in a fire…now only if Madea would disappear.

The NYT has published a lengthy article contemplating whether Jon Stewart is the new Walter Cronkite…proving journalism is just show business for the literate.

Octomom has until Friday to pay $450,000 on her Southern California home or face eviction…time to get those kids working.

A rapper known as “The Game” was robbed on Christmas eve…mandating a name change to “The Gamed.”

A trade group says pending US regulations mandating sturdier cribs may cost $550 million…hope baby likes a hammock.

The President visited Marines in Hawaii…to see if the repeal of don’t ask don’t tell will allow the troops to finally wear grass skirts.

84-year-old Hugh Hefner is engaged to 23-year-old Playmate Crystal Harris…who is presumably engaged to a brand new bank account.

China is tightening its monetary policy to slow inflation…making China the world’s Mr. Mxyzptlk.

The Ivory Coast president refuses to abdicate…unfortunately so does our President.

A female suicide bomber was reportedly behind a deadly blast in Pakistan…radical Muslim terrorists want all women in burquas unless they’re willing to carrying bombs….then they can wear whatever they want.

Wikileaks founder says one of the women who accused him of sexually assaulting her took a “trophy photo” of him naked in her bed…more like a “pity” photo.

Whole Foods gingerbread houses have been recalled…even the gingerbread house market is depressed.

A would-be restaurant robber in Connecticut tried to hold up the place with an iPhone…there are apps for everything.

The Vice President predicted permiting gays to soon serve openly in the military will lead to same-sex marriage…or the next new reality TV show…Trench Love Affair.

African nations are holding emergency talks about the Ivory Coast election crisis…or the CIA is still deciding who to back.

A planned Seattle bus advertising campaign accusing Israel of war crimes has been canceled…after organizers realized anyone who rides the bus has virtually no power to change anything.

Insulated beverage containers are to undergo extra security at airports…coffee is now a weapon of mass destruction.

NORAD is keeping a close eye on Santa Claus…more accurately NORAD is keeping a close eye on Americans who are keeping a close eye on Santa Claus.

11 states have settled lawsuits againast the EPA after it announced a new plan to establish greenhouse gas pollution standards…principles go as far as the bank.

A suspect in a murder at a yogurt shop has been killed by cops…and if there’s one thing cops can’t tolerate it’s someone interupting the flow of custard.

Chicago election commissioners have voted to keep Rahm Emanuel on the Chicago mayoral ballot…Chicago still holds elections? How quaint!

The national average for a gallon of gas is now over $3…government is giving itself an early Christmas gift…more revenue from gas taxes.

‘Jersey Shore’ star DJ Pauly D is working on a spin-off…unfortunately not into oblivion.

The debut of “Little Fockers” grossed more than $7 million…the only thing Di Nero is really watching is profits roll into his bank account.

The GOP says the DREAM act is unlikely to pass…ironically also a dream of the GOP.

The Spiderman Broadway musical is implementing new safety measures…audience members get free vomit bags.

The EPA says it still intends to regulate greenhouse gases…but no word on whether it intends to implement new regs on burrito bars.

Researchers find placebos work even when patients know they’re taking them…apparently everyone’s brain is already on drugs.

A new study finds homeopathic and other alternative treatments can harm kids…like walking off a gunshot wound.

Federal inspectors say a boutique cheese maker’s operations are unsanitary…then again maybe it makes the cheese more “flavorful.”

The Senate has ratified a nuclear arms treaty with Russia…and like a typical “to do” list will promptly be ignored.

The Senate has passed a $4.3 billion health care bill for 9-11 responders…that’s government run health care for you…a decade-long wait for cash.

The President has signed the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”…and wants Wikileaks to do the same.

New research suggests stroke deaths are higher in areas where lots of fried fish are consumed…apparently the Japanese never have to worry.

A study finds obese drivers face a higher risk of dying in serious car crashes…apparently from choking on their sandwiches.

Skype went down today…pissing off those who love video sex.

South Korea’s military is preparing to hold their largest-ever live-fire exercise…like waving a red bullfighter’s cape in front of North Korea.

A class project about bees prepared by a group of British schoolchildren was published in a leading scientific journal…proof American parents should take down stickers that say “My child is an honors student.”

The US teen birthrate is at its lowest in decades…teen guys must be running low on roofies.

UK experts say they may have found a way to check for Alzheimer’s years before symptoms appear…punch yourself in the head…if you remember doing it…you’re OK.

Vitamins and exercise are reportedly the key to preventing falls…but a good pair of Nikes, glue, and a cane help too.