The Senate is backing the biggest food safety overhaul in 70 years…the government will let you eat cake…as long as it gets to decide whether its “safe.”

A majority of US service members surveyed say they do not care if the law banning openly gay and lesbian troops from serving is repealed…but would object if forced to wear uniforms with sequins.

The European Commission is investigating Google’s advertising business practices…which has become the 21st Century way of knowing your product is so good no one else can compete.

Iran and the European Union have agreed to nuclear talks in Geneva…where presumably the Europeans intend to bribe the Iranians with chocolate and incredibly precise watches.

Kim Kardashian and her sisters have distanced themselves from a controversial credit card scheme with their name on it…thus living up to the name of their boutique…Dash.

Toyota says it will fix cooling pumps on 378,000 Prius cars in North America…or you can purchase a Toyota hat to keep you warm on the side of the road while you wait for service.

Billie Joe Armstrong is set to appear in the Broadway musical “American Idiot” for 50 performances…when it comes to cash…even punk rock sells out.

A web attack has been launched against Wikileaks…there must be a lot of carpal tunnel at CIA headquarters this week.

CBS News has announced a new “Early Show” team…which would be news if it were 1985.

Researchers claim concerns about vitamin D and/or calcium deficiency may be misplaced and/or overblown…I see its the “researchers” talking but I keep hearing Big Pharma speaking.

The President plans to propose a two-year pay freeze for federal workers…so we’ll still go bankrupt but it’ll just take longer.

The New York Times is publishing a series of articles about documents obtained by WikiLeaks…it’s the diplomatic community’s version of Girls Gone Wild…where everything is naked…including the truth.

Iran’s president claims the latest batch of Wikileaks revelations amounts to psychological warfare…Iran’s president makes Lindsey Lohan look stable.

A prominent Iranian nuclear scientist was killed and a second was seriously wounded in nearly simultaneous car bomb attacks…the CIA must have fine-tuned their nuclear clocks.

Alicia Keys, Lady Gaga, Justin Timberlake, Usher and other celebrities have vowed not to tweet for charity…must be a new one called Keep A Child Smart By Avoiding Online Stupidity.

The director of the Empire Strikes Back and other memorable movies has died…or perhaps he’s just in deep carbon freeze.

Dr. Drew Pinsky has a new free format primetime show on CNN’s HLN…called Rashes, Warts, and Nuts.

Talk-show host Laura Schlessinger is moving to Sirius XM Radio…where hopefully cloudy days will disrupt the satellite signal thus drowning out her shrill voice.

Ex-president George W. Bush will stop by Facebook’s headquarters to answer questions from Facebook users and employees…like would you have authorized enhanced interrogation of Farmville participants?

A new report says eating disorders are sending more US children to hospital and pediatricians…for the great pudding and Jell-O they serve.

Alcohol-laced whipped cream is the latest health concern…that ought to spice things up on “pie” day at assisted-living facilities.

A study finds those overexposed to antibacterial soaps may increase risks for hay fever and other allergies…but at least their sneezes are clean.

WikiLeaks release of documents reveals lots of backroom bargaining by embassies around the world…apparently international diplomacy operates just like a third-world bazaar…including the stench.

China is calling for an international summit to discuss Korean tensions…and to figure out who gets the rights to the inevitable made-for-TV movie.

The opposition is protesting alleged fraud in Egyptian voting…check the pyramids for absentee ballots.

A Somali-born American is due to appear in court over a bomb plot…putting the pressure on the CIA to make sure he doesn’t spill any real secrets.

Ireland is getting $113 billion in financial aid…nowhere near enough to cover the liver transplants of heavy-drinking Irish bankers.

Following Black Friday, CyberMonday…where you can find a great deal on identity theft.

66 cases of whooping cough have been reported in Oklahoma…instead of shouting “Giddyup” now the only sound cowboys make is the noise of hacking up a lung.

A study finds eating lots of orange and dark green veggies may lead to a longer life…or at least a longer life on the toilet.

A US Marine reservist collecting toys for children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter in eastern Georgia…time for the toys for tots collectors to start carrying sabers for shoplifters.

Diet researchers find a high-protein, low-glycemic-index diet may work best for maintaining a weight loss…enjoy your dessert…a block of 2% milk cheese.

The US Senate has postponed a 23% cut to Medicare reimbursement rates…in order to avoid a 23% reduction in re-election rates come 2012.

US scientists say they have partially reversed age-related degeneration in mice…with the exception of Mickey Mouse who maintains that high-pitched voice.

A 19-year-old has been arrested in connection with a plot to bomb an annual Christmas tree lighting ceremony in Oregon…odd, since most teens get bombed at holiday events.

South Korean veterans are calling on their government to retaliate against North Korea…or at least to allow them to stick out their tongues at those in the DMZ.

Brazilian police are clashing with gangs in Rio De Janeiro…which must involve a lot of spandex, sequins, and suntan lotion.

The President suffered a fat lip in basketball…or he’s trying to feel the pain of the average American who gets a fat lip from biting it every time we do our taxes.

Spanish and Portuguese government bonds fell as speculation mounted that Europe’s debt crisis will hurt more economies…communism didn’t cause the domino effect…stupidity did.

Free agent shortstop Derek Jeter wants to re-sign with the Yankees for up to $24 million per season…get ready for $15 hot dogs and $20 beers in the Bronx.

Willie Nelson was charged with marijuana possession after weed was found on his tour bus at a checkpoint in Texas…his tour bus really is green.

The GM IPO is now the largest ever…much like it’s still bloated management.

A Swedish appeals court has upheld the copyright convictions of 3 of the 4 founders of The Pirate Bay…the 4th founder must’ve read Internet Piracy for Dummies.

The Feds have shut down more than 70 websites suspected of selling counterfeit or pirated products…unfortunately none of those include government sites.

The US has warned allies of millions of documents expected to appear on WikiLeaks…like Hillary Clinton’s bill for waxing.

Psychologists report that essays can even out science class grades among men and women…especially the ones women write to male professors offering certain perks for good grades.

Pew Research study finds households earning $75,000 or more go online more often than their lower-income counterparts…who are enjoying brand new abacuses.

Boston aquarium has rescued dozens of rare sea turtles…which may be a common site in Boston if the Big Dig ever leaks…again.

A study finds secondhand smoke causes 1% of the deaths worldwide…so apparently smoking isn’t the problem…breathing is.

After being lost at sea for 50 days, three teen boys were rescued in the Pacific Ocean…if any more kids get lost at sea…the parents ought to be set adrift.

Tensions mounted near a South Korean island bombarded by North Korean artillery fire…and somewhere in the military-industrial complex…dozens of death merchants had simultaneous orgasms.

Asian stocks tumbled for the fifth week out of six after the eruption of military conflict in Korea…unless you own stock in companies that produce guns, fallout shelters, and new anti-shit stain pants.

US officials are reportedly worried about the release of more documents by WikiLeaks…something tells me Xanax is rather popular with the intelligence community.

Budget cuts have left New York State 18th in the nation in efforts to combat smoking by kids…but it still leads the country in government tyranny.

Eurozone private sector borrowing has shown fresh signs of rebounding…if you count drug deals as part of GDP.

A senior Afghan official claims the British introduced an impostor posing as a high Taliban commander into the presidential palace in Kabul…they’ve confirmed their singing voices don’t match.

French doctors claim the diet that Kate Middleton’s mother is using to shape up for the Royal wedding is potential health hazard…standard English cooking.

South Korea’s Defense Chief has resigned in the wake of the attack…let me guess…to spend more time to family…while they’re alive.

Ex-House Majority Leader Tom Delay has been convicted of money laundering…which in Texas is a crime but in Washington is just passing time.

Newark Airport’s controversial scanners were barely used on the busiest travel day…they’re saving them for a special ocassion…like when the media forgets the story.

The average audience for Dancing With The Stars was 24 million people…mirroring the number of Americans who’ve had lobotomies.

Goldman Sachs says a worsening of the euro-region debt crisis would mean its euro-dollar predictions are too bullish…much like it’s ability to manipulate the market.

During his weekly radio address, the President renewed his call for bipartisan cooperation…which is the first step in the 12-step I Want To Be Re-Elected Strategy.

A Danish study suggests eating more protein and fewer refined carbohydrates could help keep you from gaining weight…unless that daily protein comes from an entire block of cheese…then enjoy your nitro.

The Southern Poverty Law Center has called the Family Research Council a “hate group” for opposing gay marriage…apparently the “Poverty” in the Southern Poverty Law Center is in good judgment.

Thanksgiving travelers face new airport security measures…enhanced pat downs of their turkeys.

Bristol Palin lost on Dancing With The Stars…some must have underfunded a black ops.

The Irish government is unveiling $20 billion in spending cuts…which won’t even touch their bar tabs.

New HIV infections in Eastern Europe and Central Asia have nearly tripled…if they get any more Western…they’ll start getting fat and dying of diabetes.

A new study finds type 2 diabetics can significantly lower their blood sugar by combing aerobics and weight lifting…like running with two pound bags of sugar.

Cops say a crazed actor killed his mother with a sword in their Brooklyn apartment while he screamed Bible passages and Masonic references…someone apparently was never allowed to dress as a ninja.

New US claims for unemployment benefits have dropped to their lowest level in more than two years…meaning they’re just slightly below “maximum misery.”

Facebook has been allowed to trademark the word “Face”…ironic since Facebook has little to do with faces and everything to do with books of useless info.

North Korea fired dozens of shells at a South Korean island…in other news…Cadillac introduced it’s new car…with fins.

The Fed is debating whether to adopt a formal target for inflation…they cannot decide whether to reach all the way into your wallet or just part way.

HIV drugs may reportedly prevent infection in healthy individuals…but won’t prevent the worst infection of all in big pharma…greed.

The President slammed tax cuts for the wealthy at the Chrysler Bailout Celebration…in related news…the President has yet to acquire an irony recognition app for his Blackberry.

The Vatican has confirmed the Pope’s shift on condom use…he’s only about two or three thousand years late or when man first figured out how to cover his dick with lambskin.

Consumer groups are warning of holiday hazards from deadly toys…but always fail to warn parents of the hazards of…coddling.

Researchers find poor families who sign up for high-deductible health plans are more likely to put off needed care than wealthier families…who hire poor people to get sick for them.

41 states have reported job gains in October…Santa hired a few more elves.

A US envoy is talking with South Korean officials about how to resume six-party talks on denuclearizing North Korea…talking about talking leads to nuclear…sore throats.

Lindsay Lohan is out of the planned Linda Lovelace biopic…ironically living a lifestyle nearly duplicate to a porn star.

Federal prosecutors are wrapping up an extensive insider-trading investigation…unfortunately not focused on the entire federal government…the ultimate insider traitors.

A judge has ordered a website to take down pages from Sarah Palin’s upcoming book ‘America by Heart’…’cause it didn’t include the book’s pop-ups.

The Pope says condom use is acceptable in “single justified cases”…like when you’re with a male hooker.

American experts say North Korea is building a new light water nuclear reactor…which is less filling but tastes great.

NATO has adopted a transition plan for the Afghan war…from debacle to unmitigated disaster.

First it was a group of Chilean miners now it’s a group of New Zealand miners stuck…in an international game of anything you can do, we can do worse.

The President says he backs the TSA pat-downs and body scans…for all those earning less than $250,000.

The TSA has granted pilots an exception to pat-downs and body scans…so if you are a passenger looking to avoid pat-downs and body scans…buy yourself a pilot’s uniform.

A government official says the years-long federal inquiry into allegations of stock-trading irregularities could result in many arrests…cardiac ones.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 earned more than $60 million in the US and Canada on Friday…apparently black Friday has arrived early on the silver screen.

Star athlete Tony Parker has filed for divorce from actress Eva Langoria in Texas…where everything is bigger including bitterness.

Lindsay Lohan ventured out shopping in Palm Desert, CA…which mirrors her current career.

A white powder determined to be talcum powder in an envelope with a threatening letter was delivered to the “Dancing With the Stars” production office…perhaps from someone determined to make sure no dancer develops athelete’s foot.

For her next book tour, Sarah Palin will again skip some of the nation’s biggest cities…where reading is fundamental.

MySpace has introduced “Mashup with Facebook”…apparently MySpace subscribes to the philosophy…if at first you don’t succeed…latch on to something more successful.

The FCC is expected to announce plans for regulations that would forbid Internet service providers from blocking or favoring content online…unless you are part of the government then the legislation will most certainly allow censorship.

A pastor who banned his chuch’s leaders from using Facebook reportedly had a three-way…which apparently is less of a sin than having an affair with a cow in Farmville.

Fed Head Bernanke is in Europe defending the US effort to stimulate the economy…like watching a woman with a donkey..exciting until you puke.

Representative Charlie Rangel says he was sloppy not corrupt…apparently sloppy about not covering up his corruption.

The President is pushing the Senate to vote on a new arms treaty with Russia…buy our debt or we’ll twist your arm.

The International Monetary Fund and European Union are formulating a plan to rescue Ireland’s banks…Ireland’s new currency may soon be shamrocks.

Head of the TSA says the agency kept many dangerous or illegal items off planes…like passengers.

Donald Trump says he’ll make a decision whether to run for President by June…just in time to watch reruns of the Apprentice.

Swedish prosecutors have won the right to seek an arrest warrant for Wikileaks founder…this isn’t blowback, that is a blowjob.

The ex-Obama administration auto industry czar has settled the SEC…his rubber finally met the road.

UK’s PM says Britain should have a public holiday to celebrate the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton next year…Lame Day.

Bristol Palin has made it to the finals of Dancing With The Stars…apparently that’s what in the eyes of the judges allowing her to keep going.

One of the stars of the Real Housewives of New York City has filed for bankruptcy…leading to a new spinoff TV series Formerly Fake Housewives of New York City.