Investigators believe one of Saudi Arabia’s most wanted was involved in a plot to bomb cargo plains…with “friends” like the Saudis, who needs enemies?

Iraqi security forces stormed a church in central Baghdad freeing about 100 people held hostage by gunmen…unlike people who normally attend church who feel like they’ve been held hostage…by guilt.

Organizers say 250,000 crowded the National Mall for the event by comedians Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert…then again…Comedy Central loves hyberbole…so maybe it was closer to 25,000.

Scientists report early success in growing a mini liver in a lab…which goes great with mini-onions.

Green tea my cut breast cancer risk…but the way it comes out of you…you’d think it would cut your colon cancer risk best.

After 84 years, GM has shuttered Pontiac…before Pontiac could act like some 84-year-olds and accidentally mistake the gas for the brake and drive through a store window.

Yemeni police have arrested a woman suspected of sending two mail bombs found on cargo planes…there goes the CIA-plant in Yemen.

Chinese State Councilor Dai Bingguo held an unofficial meeting with US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton…about allowing the value of their MSG to float.

NASA has delayed the shuttle Discovery’s launch to replace and retest leaky fittings…on the keg of Tang.

Studies suggest eating meat, dairy products, and sugar boosts breast cancer risk…I think I’ll skip by meal of steak, milk, and chocolate chip cookies.

The porn star who was with Charlie Sheen when the star melted down in a NYC hotel room reportedly may sue him…porn stars love bad boys…but love their wallets more.

Federal investigators are searching for suspicious packages at two US airports…fixed absentee voting ballots.

Shots were fired at the Marine Corps National Museum…someone is apparently at war…with mannequins.

The federal government says GDP grew 2% in the third quarter…and much like 2% milk that result only seems good to those who’ve never had full milk.

Iran says it’s willing to restart international negotiations over its nuclear program after Nov 10…right after it changes the locks on the underground bunkers.

A noninvasive stool test could reportedly detect colon cancer…apparently it involves a clothes pin over the nose, rubber glove on the hand, and plastic cup with cap in the other hand.

A Brazilian court has ordered McDonald’s to pay a former franchise manager because he gained weight while working there…stupidity knows no bounds…nationally or internationally.

The Jersey Shore look is one of the most popular Halloween costumes…which is relatively cheap to produce…just take up smoking, drinking, tanning, hair teasing, and acquiring STDs.

Indonesian volcano’s spiritual caretaker has died…prompting millions of unemployed Americans to apply for that job.

A 5-year study finds exposure to a chemical found in food packaging and other plastics, BPA, can reduce the quality of men’s semen…so never eat packaged food before entering a bath house.

The French government says a tape of a man claiming to be Osama Bin Laden threatening France appears to be authentic…then again the French still believe in vampires.

Mariah Carey is pregnant…but unfortunately it seems not with a new album.

China has unveiled the world’s fastest supercomputer…meanwhile the US is borrowing trillions from China to build a shovel-ready abacus.

Nissan is recalling vehicles after finding a problem that could lead the engine to stall…that really does “Shift Possibilities” like buying a Honda or a Toyota instead.

US unemployment claims have dropped to a three-month low…just in time for the election…but not in time to reduce any real misery.

French protests are still disrupting flights…now when they call Paris the City of Lights…it has more to do with riot fires.

Ferrari World, the world’s biggest indoor theme park, is opening next week in Abu Dhabi…meanwhile somewhere in the Southwestern US someone is opening Camel World.

Researchers have discovered a so-called “liberal” gene…must be the part of the DNA that lies around on the couch, smokes pot, and talks about the evils of capitalism.

A Virginia man has been arrested in a fake plot to bomb the Washington DC subway…just days from the election…something is getting railroaded…and it seems like it’s the truth.

Actress Denise Richards says she still has faith in her ex-husband Charlie Sheen who was hospitalized after a wild night in NYC…faith really is blind…and sometime deaf and dumb too.

US stocks stumbled and the dollar surged as investors reined in their expectations for a major bout of easing by the Federal Reserve to stimulate the economy…listen carefully…you can hear the financial junkies tapping their veins…along with their wallets and pocketbooks.

LimeWire has been ordered to shut down…when life turns your limes into lemons…selling lemonade may be your only recourse.

Google says it will revamp of the way its search engine displays information about local businesses…many are hoping individual search results for local hookers.

The original James Bond Aston Martin DB5 is going up for auction…buying it is one sure way to get Pussy Galore.

The toilet paper industry is gearing up to go greener by testing tubeless rolls…but if you really want to go green…go outside near your favorite tree…and crap.

Chevrolet plans to introduce a new ad campaign, “Chevy Runs Deep”…just like the B.S. for which GM is known.

Ford is reporting record 3rd quarter profits…Ford now stands for Financial Order Reaps Dough.

Charlie Sheen was reportedly found drunk and naked in a New York City hotel…which for Charlie is surprisingly tame…no blow or hookers?

Iran has begun fueling a nuclear reactor…the GOP just suffered a collective heart attack.

Rand Paul supporters reportedly wrestled with a MoveOn member…then again its Kentucky they’ll wrestle over anything.

Iraq’s high tribunal has sentenced Tariq Aziz, one of Saddam Hussein’s top officials, to hang…which may actually be less of a punishment than living in Iraq.

US consumer confidence rose in October from a 7-month low…”rose” is a bit of a stretch…more like dragged itself upward…like a drunk after a bender.

Paul the Octopus, that correctly predicted the outcome of eight World Cup matches this year, has died…fresh calamari is now available in Germany.

A deadly Indonesian tsunami…making that region the Oklahoma of Southeast Asia.

An ex-child soldier held at Guantánamo Bay has pleaded guilty to terrorism-related charges…it only took 8 years…military justice moves at the speed of tank.

Home sales are up 10%…if you count outhouses.

The Obama Administration is proposing the first-ever fuel economy rules for trucks and school buses…there goes the NASCAR Dad vote.

Rapper TI will not be charged in a LA drug case…demoting him to the category…”Rappers Who Need More Street Cred.”

A study finds one in ten teens has same sex partners…their hands.

The government is poised to allow employers to shop around for health insurers…but you still can’t shop around for medical marijuana…yet.

Pediatricians are being advised to screen new moms for depression…I’m no doctor but if a patient winds up in the fetal position and is not undergoing colo-rectal cancer screening…that’s probably depression.

A study finds aspirin may boost prostate cancer treatment…or at least reduce the headache produced by worry about cancer.

Britain’s role in the alleged torture and unlawful killing of Iraqi civilians may be the subject of legal action…this case seems about as easy as an episode of Perry Mason.

The number of Haitians infected with cholera and cholera-like symptoms continues to mount…Sean Penn better buy more bottled water.

Another deadly shooting in Mexico…where dodging bullets has replaced dog and cock fighting as the new national pastime.

Katy Perry says she’s OK with gal pal Rihanna was unable to attend Perry’s wedding…but if Rihanna fails to show for the inevitable Hollywood divorce then they’ll be trouble.

The G-20 has pledged to not engage in currency wars…which can only mean one thing…they’ll find another way to screw each other.

Arena Pharmaceuticals says US health officials have rejected its experimental obesity pill…making way for another company’s proposed solution…duck tape over the mouth.

Randy Quaid says he loves Canada and hopes to restart his career there…so presumably we can expect to see the “Griswolds Take Toronto.”

Unemployment rates were little changed in most states in September…except in the country’s collective state of mind where mild is no longer associated with panic.

139 US banks have now failed this year…making the financial death watch far more exciting than the celebrity death watch.

Two call centers with previous experience working for Verizon are both hiring…the iPhone means iWork.

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are reportedly pushing to restart foreclosure sales…it’s the new American business model…one man’s misery is another man’s profit.

Lindsay Lohan says she cannot afford the Betty Ford Center…just one more reason to make another Herbie The Love Bug movie.

Kim Kardashian has turned down a ‘ridiculous’ fifth birthday cake worth $1m…in the world of celebrity…four cakes is fine…five is “nuts.”

Taylor Momsen flashed the crowd at a New York City concert…unfortunately it was not with talent…just tits.

A legal settlement will allow a NJ baker to continue to use the name ‘Cake Boss’ for his TV show…I wonder if the vig is made of cake too.

Hillary Clinton and NATO are condemning the release of nearly 400,000 secret US Army field reports online…proving the electronic pen is mightier than the sword…or M-16.

A fatal shark attack off the California coast…must be one of those “illegal animal immigrants.”

A study finds nearly a third of Americans may live with diabetes by 2050…leaving the rest to enjoy their feet.

Honda is recalling 528,000 vehicles worldwide due to potential problems with a master brake cylinder seal…our economy is now so sophisticated even brakes need master’s degrees.

Florida’s ban on gay adoption is ending…people are now finally free to adopt gays.

McDonald’s is now offering wedding services…making Las Vegas weddings seem “high class.”

The US has pledged $2 billion in military aid to Pakistan…must be blood money for all those accidental Predator drone attacks on “extremists”…also known as innocent civilians.

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac bailouts could reportedly hit $363 billion…they’re holding more bad paper than a resident of the Weimar Republic.

France has been forced to import electricity…now only if they’d import politeness.

Oklahoma health officials are investigating the shutdown of a Texas food processing plant…a showdown at the Not-OK corral.

After comments about Muslims, NPR Commentator Juan Williams was fired…because he actually told the truth…which in America is an unpardonable sin…at least in the media.

Reality TV star Kim Kardashian is set to have a birthday cake that is reportedly worth over $1 million…which approaches the net worth of her ass.

The US has announced one of the largest weapons sales in its history, worth nearly $60 billion, to Saudi Arabia…which unfortunately is America’s way of flipping off peace lovers everywhere.

The mother of pop star Beyonce denies rumors that her daughter is pregnant…the so-called “baby bump” must be gas.

Teen birth rates are highest in the southern US…I blame daisy dukes.

Fatal crashes involving teens are declining…in this economy fewer of them can afford to drive…but I bet teen bike accidents are on the rise.