Cops are searching for the missing members of a cult…if only the police realized the cult already boarded the mother ship.

The President told the Congressional Black Caucus “We have more work to do”…destroying what’s left of the American economy.

A discrepancy has called the Afghan voter turnout into question…America really has transformed Afghanistan into a democracy…complete with corruption.

Lindsay Lohan was smiling as she was leaving an AA meeting in Hollywood…or as celebrities like to think of it…a casting session.

Katy Perry had a bachelorette party in Las Vegas…where you’re a star nothing that happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

A Facebook competitor Diaspora has been hit with security criticisms…it really is exactly like Facebook!

New research finds girls in higher-income homes without a biological father are likely to reach puberty earlier than others…so they can hit the streets earlier and make money hooking.

The first genetically modified salmon has sparked debate…among white wine connoisseurs wondering if they must pair it with a gentically modified Pinot Grigio.

A medical marijuana shop in California is selling dope-flavored ice cream…presumably in a hemp cone.

Lindsay Lohan says she failed her most recent drug test…but shockingly never failed a screen test.

Paris Hilton received a year probation but not jail time in a drug-possession case…leaving her time to counsel Lindsay Lohan…on how and where to still score.

Actor Russell Brand allegedly attacked a photographer he claims was trying to shoot up his fiancee’s skirt…but his fiancee is an actress…there must already be a similar photo somewhere.

Apple is working on an iTunes-like service for newspapers…let me guess…”iRead-but-don’t-buy.”

Mitt Romney says the President has “declared war on free enterprise”…ironically just like Romney’s mandatory health care in Massachusetts which declared war on everyone sick or not.

Calumet County’s DA says he will not resign despite criticism over sexually suggestive text messages he sent…Justice may be blind but voters are not…he may want to pack his bags before the next election.

NYC is trying to ban smoking on beaches and in parks…but never banned one of the Big Apple’s worst health risks to your hearing…Cats on Broadway.

Most Americans reportedly don’t exercise daily…unless you count the jog from the refrigerator to the couch.

The Senate has passed a bill to help small businesses…which can only mean one thing…they’re taking more money from small biz to “help” small biz.

US poverty rate hit 14.3% last year, up from 13.2% in 2008…soon families might have to endure life with just one TV instead of three.

A federal advisory committee voted against recommending approval of a new weight loss drug…if only the government would approve the ultimate weight loss drug…crack.

Kid Rock has testified in court about a brawl at a Waffle House…probably because someone forgot to say “Mornin’” when he walked in.

Paul McCartney is reissuing the 1973 album “Band on the Run”…he really did learn something from Michael Jackson.

Despite an upcoming IPO, GM says government will still have to wait to get back money used to save the car maker…by the time the government gets it back GM will be be making passenger hovercrafts.

A first-ever plus-size fashion show was held during New York Fashion Week…it’ll be the first time models ate Twinkies and kept them down.

After first turning their backs on Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell, influential Republicans are now vowing to support her general election campaign…it took a woman to help the GOP find its balls.

The President will make brief remarks about small business legislation and tax cuts…which will probably be brief too…lasting until just after the November election.

In a recent poll of 11 European nations, President Obama received a 78% approval rating…the other 22% are obviously sane.

CBS’ NFL Today show analyst Shannon Sharpe has been accused of sexual assault…no word on what color flag they use on that “play.”

Weak demand prompted oil prices to fell below $76 a barrel…much like our weak paychecks.

Google fired an engineer who taunted children with information he found on them in their Gmail and Google Voice accounts…that makes you long for the days when a bully just stole your money for milk.

Iran has released an American hiker it was holding until it received $500,000 bail…that’ll buy a centrifuge or two.

Lady Gaga wore a dress made of meat to the VMAs…and should’ve been presented an award by Salt ‘N Peppa.

The President told students a Philadelphia school to work hard…so government can steal from you.

The President is planning to release a children’s book…Communism In Ten Easy Steps.

Singer George Michael was sentenced to eight weeks in jail for driving under the influence of weed…but never received any punishment for convincing suburban men to frost their hair in the 1980s.

A person infected with a “superbug” was treated earlier this year in a Massachusetts hospital…perhaps that explains the crappy Mass driving.

A friend and photographer of Martin Luther King was reportedly an FBI informant…MLK should’ve had a clue when the photog said, “Now turn to the side.”

Singer John Mayer has shut down his Twitter account…now only if he’d shut down his mouth during interviews.

Jennifer Lopez will appear as a judge on American Idol for $12 million…you’ll know the show has jumped the shark if Ben Affleck is recruited to judge.

The American Heart Association says smokeless tobacco is not a safe alternative to smoking…but apparently a great way to hone your spitting.

A new study reveals that 85% of American adults wash their hands in public restrooms…still, bring rubber gloves in case you have to deal with the other 15%.

Corn syrup producers are trying to change the name of high fructose corn syrup to corn sugar…like changing the name of an AK-47 to an “obstacle-removing device.”

House Republican leader John Boehner may relent on extending the Bush tax cuts…until December when Santa magically delivers government gifts to the rich.

Texas students’ scores on the SAT slipped this year…but they excelled in barbecuing, boot buffing, and bronco breaking.

A high-profile international commission which advocates for Africa has criticized the “glacial” progress of talks on world trade reform…the only thing traded for free these days is hot air.

The International Security Assistance Force in Afghanistan has issued new guidelines for awarding contracts…requiring three chickens, a goat, and the 2011 Afghan calendar of burqua-clad babes.

Two Mexican drug lords have surrendered without a fight…but once word gets out in prison will have a hard time intimidating anyone on the “inside.”

A newborn boy was saved by airline staff after he was dumped in an aircraft lavatory bin…the mother clearly has “baggage.”

An Australian lawyer smoked pages torn from the Koran and the Bible on YouTube…at least half the terrorists won’t see it in their caves.

Angry activists gathered outside a US church where a pastor had planned to burn the Koran…anger always burns brighter than fire.

Three US hikers remain detained in Iran…a description you’ll never read a catalog that sells climbing equipment.

A new study finds brain scans may track childhood brain development…it’s bad enough bringing home a failing report card, imagine bringing home a bad brain scan?

Both Taylor Swift and Kanye West are set to perform on Sunday’s MTV Video Music Awards…note to Kayne…lock up the liquor tonight.

Lady Gaga’s ex-boyfriend has dropped a $30 million dollar lawsuit against the singer…but may give her another idea for avante garde fashion…wearing nothing but legal papers.

The Florida pastor who says he planned to burn a copy of the Koran has put his plans on hold…must be a temporary moment of sanity.

Afghan protests against the proposed burning of the Koran by a Florida pastor have turned violent…in a game of anything you can do, we can do more violent.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says Obama Administration is working to create a new partnership with Muslims…by bombing them.

A federal judge has ruled the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell policy” on gays is “unconstitutional”…but has yet to approve a new uniform which includes sequins.

Research shows Internet users are spending more time on Facebook than on Google…so presumably we’ll see Googlebook?

The Marines have recaptured ships taken by pirates…no word on whether the military will make the pirates walk the plank.

The President appealed to a Florida pastor not to burn the Koran…it would worsen global warming.

The President says his Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel would make an excellent mayor of Chicago…just like Rahm…working his way down the political ladder.

Reps of Britney Spears say the security guard who claims the pop star sexually harassed him made up the story to get famous…as opposed to the pop star who seems to have made up her ability to sing to get famous.

Google has unveiled its new Instant search feature…just type the letter “p” and up pops porn.

A judge has called the Jersey Shore’s Snooki a “Lindsey Lohan wannabe”…not even close, one’s tan, one isn’t.

An Oxford study shows vitamin B may slow the advance of Alzheimer’s…or perhaps Oxford studies do that.

The President will propose new incentives for businesses…to leave the country.

The fate of an Iranian woman sentenced to death by stoning for adultery is reportedly “on hold”…’cause they can’t find anyone crazy enough to justify the punishment.

A federal judge has denied a motion to lift an injunction barring government funding of stem cell research…which ultimately will be used to “clone” a judge who will OK it.

People with long-term weight loss have higher levels of persistent organic pollutants in their blood…thin and glowing green…a new sign of fitness…or not.

A new study suggests chemicals in non-stick cookware may raise cholesterol levels in children…so in other words a sunny side up egg is really a deadly ninja food.

Malpractice reportedly costs the US health care system $55 billion annually…so apparently health care reform involves deporting all lawyers.

A newly married man says he will divorce his wife who faked leukemia to score a free dress…apparently wedding vows don’t require you to stick with someone through a fake sickness.

A federal appeals court has ruled that judges can force the government to get a warrant before accessing individuals’ cellphone records…someone must’ve texted the Constitution to the right judges.