Tony Curtis is dead at 85…but his hairpiece is still alive.

AIG has reached a deal to repay $46 billion for the federal bailout…but their souls are lost for good.

Astronomers have discovered a “Class M” Planet similar to Earth…let’s hope not…one screw up per galaxy is enough.

A photo of Kim Jong Un, the youngest son of North Korean leader Kim Jong II and his heir apparent has been released…strangely…no party hats.

A Fisher Price recall affects more than 10 million toys…give your kid a box to play with…it works with cats and dogs too.

Some Android applications apparently send GPS data to advertisers in secret…proving advertising is just stalking with flashy images.

The Republican nominee for New York Governor Carl Paladino reportedly threatened a newspaper reporter…proving the pen is mightier than the sword…or at least more annoying to politicians.

Applications for US unemployment benefits decreased last week…but bottle and can returns are up.

The House has approved a bill to give up to $7.4 billion to workers sickened during the cleanup of the World Trade Center site after 9/11…it only took nine years but pay raises for politicians take one month.

Officials claim Pakistan has blocked one of two vital supply routes for US and NATO troops in Afghanistan…time to break out the mopeds.

Officials say a German citizen of Afghan descent provided info on a potential “Mumbai-style” terror plot in Europe…where people are forced to break out into song and dance while wearing colorful costumes.

The President is urging Wisconsin students to support Democrats in the November elections…or he’ll take away your job prospects (if the economy already hasn’t done that).

South Florida schools are still set to open despite a tropical storm…teachers are really taking lessons in perseverance seriously.

Michael Bolton was sent packing on week number two of the latest season of Dancing with the Stars…but will soon star in his own show…Where Have You Been Since 1993?

Europeans are protesting austerity measures of their governments…something most Americans only wish our own government would implement.

Ex-President Jimmy Carter was hospitalized with an upset stomach…too many peanuts?

North Korea’s Kim Jong-il has given key government posts to his youngest son…see, North Korea is just like America.

BP has created a Safety Unit…presumably complete with a crisis-control PR firm.

Census data shows the worst US recession since the Great Depression hurt every part of American life…except it didn’t eliminate rudeness, selfishness, or any other kind of ness.

Lindsey Lohan spent Sunday in a homeless shelter…which is where she might wind up unless she cleans up.

Southwest Airlines is buying smaller rival AirTran Airways…hopefully as Southwest gets bigger it won’t go all Toyota.

A flood-damaged levee has held in Wisconsin…they must’ve filled their sandbags with cheese.

Wal-Mart Stores plans to buy low-cost consumer good stores in sub-Saharan Africa…thus cornering the market in mosquito netting.

Google is 12 years old today…and much like a 12-year-old…its voice is cracking…we’re not intrusive…just thorough…when it comes to privacy…or a lack thereof.

Prominent US evangelical leader Bishop Eddie Long has vowed to fight accusations he coerced four young male members of his mega-church into sexual relationships…presumably with a second collection plate.

An Israeli woman was lightly wounded in a West Bank shooting…now there’s a word you rarely hear when used in conjunction with West Bank shootings…lightly.

Actress Lindsay Lohan has decided to check herself into a substance abuse rehab program in the next few days…but in her world a few days may translate into a few years.

Houston-area residents have turned over more than 3,000 pounds of expired, unused and unwanted prescription medications to federal authorities…everything is bigger in Texas…including addiction.

A complex computer worm has infected the personal computers of staff at Iran’s first nuclear power station…who needs to wage war when the CIA just needs to hit the “enter” button?

SNL is going after Delaware Senate hopeful Christine O’Donnell…which takes about as much courage as that of the Cowardly Lion.

The New York Times is reporting on how GOP strategist Karl Rove is back and busy scheming to elect his brand of Republicans in November…it only takes a black kettle, three dead crows, and some eye of Newt (Gingrich).

A cop has been suspended for staging a fake arrest of a 15-year-old boy after discovering the teen was having sex with his stepdaughter…instead of writing a script for a made-for-Lifetime TV movie.

A group of 100 preachers nationwide plan to violate federal law and make political endorsements from the pulpit…if you don’t like it, turn the other ear…or the other cheek when you moon them.

The White House has asked a federal judge to throw out a lawsuit seeking to stop the government from killing an American citizen accused of ties to Al Qaeda…goodbye civil liberties…hello tyranny.

Newark’s school district hopes Facebook’s $100 million gift translates into results…instead of winding up as a Facebook (lost) cause.

The iPhone 4 has been launched in China…where pirate versions most likely existed three years ago.

Apple is looking to patent a new Flash system…where by you spend even more money more quickly for the next iWhatever.

Authorities say prescription drugs are the number one drug abused in the country…anyone using coke, crank, or weed is old news…Grandpa is a junkie.

The Fed Head says damage from the financial crisis has left the US economy growing at a slower pace than policy makers want…but politicians love since it makes people depend on government.

Small-business legislation that President Obama plans to sign into law Monday may be the final pre-election measure enacted by Congress to show its commitment to reviving the economy.

Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer held a meeting with the judge in her chambers…now that’s a movie with Lindsay Lohan I’d watch.

The President has called the Iranian President’s 9/11 remarks hateful…as opposed to the US government calling for war on Iran…which is “peaceful.”

An Atlanta-area pastor is being sued for allegedly coercing a 17-year-old into a sexual relationship…if the suers are successful he won’t be a man of the cloth, he’ll be a man of rags.

One of three Americans arrested while hiking near the Iran-Iraq border and now freed met with the Iranian President to advocate for the releases of her fiancé…a much harder mountain to climb.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says the House may vote next week on extending Bush-era tax cuts…she keeps dangling carrots like Americans are bunnies but this year most are snarling rabbits.

Stephen Colbert testified before Congress today…a fake conservative testified before fake liberals and fake conservatives…makes sense.

US judge orders lesbian Air Force nurse reinstated…finally a black robe that won’t sweep a controversial issue under the carpet, pardon the expression.

Heart rocker Nancy Wilson has filed for divorce from her filmmaker husband Cameron Crowe after 24 years of marriage…sure to produce a new movie with a new Heart soundtrack.

Oksana Grigorieva has reportedly told investigators Mel Gibson threatened “…brains all over the wall”…which is apparently where his brain was if the allegations are true.

Republicans are offering their agenda for midterm elections…nearly identical to Democrats…but more pissed off.

The President addressed the issue of Mideast peace in his speech at the UN…but forgets peace when he ramps up the Afghan war.

Kirsten Gillibrand is barely ahead of an unknown GOP challenger…and some barely know Kirsten.

Katy Perry has been dropped from Sesame Street…where apparently you can’t kiss a girl but can kiss a muppet.

Joaquin Phoenix has apologized to David Letterman for his weird appearance the last time he was on the Late Show…and the most recent appearance is not supposed to be performance art?

New claims for jobless benefits rose last week but existing home sales in August rose from a 13-year low…with no job you have plenty of time to enjoy a new home.

Facebook’s CEO has donated $100 million to the Newark school system…whose students spend more time on Facebook than textbooks.

Blockbuster has filed Chapter 11..the blockbuster is Netflix.

A bright Harvest Moon ushered in the changing seasons…and werewolves.

The US is the fattest nation among 33 countries with advanced economies…we’re not ancient Rome…we’ve grown beyond Ancient Rome.

Newly released scientific research shows malaria appears to have spread from gorillas to humans..gives new meaning to the phrase “Going Ape.”

The GOP is promising to call for a federal spending freeze…it’s like the 1994 GOP “Revolution” all over again…get out your glow sticks, take some “E”, and prepare to get screwed…again.

Jennifer Lopez has joined American Idol as a judge…the show had to add some ass after ejecting that ass Simon.

The new Bob Woodward book portrays President Obama as hard-nosed and demanding…in another words “Bush III” but better looking and well-spoken.

Anti-Japan protesters have been marching in Hong Kong…this smells like the CIA…or NSA…or DoD…or any number of US alphabet agencies.

An Iowa chicken farmer apologized to victims of the salmonella outbreak…but still owes an apology to the chickens.

The Cook County Illinois Sheriff who sued Craigslist is running for Mayor of Chicago…good luck keeping any campaign postings on Craigslist.

When the new federal healthcare law takes effect, big health insurance providers plan to ditch child-only policies…thus leaving kids without coverage…but remember your government cares…not.

A Florida appeals court struck down a state law barring gays from adoption…inducing heart attacks among seniors along the Gold Coast.

Stephen Colbert of the Colbert Report plans to appear before a Judiciary Committee Subcommittee…as the saying goes politics is show business for ugly people.

Dozens of NYC taxi drivers have been arrested for overcharging…but go free for leaving their cabs smelling like garbage trucks.

Mel Gibson reportedly dropped to his knees the morning after the nuclear January 6 meltdown and begged Oksana Grigorieva for forgiveness…or was practicing for his next movie role…the Desperate.

The latest US recession is the longest since the Great Depression…but it’s girth, not length, that counts.

Lindsay Lohan’s probation was revoked after she failed a drug test…if only they’d revoke her SAG card.

A Massachusetts company wants to market genetically-engineered Atlantic salmon…sure hope they make decent chips too.

Wisconsin’s governor says he’ll seek to remove a prosecutor caught sending sexually-harassing text messages to a domestic abuse victim…the gov should fire the DA by text message…but in a sexy way.

The Senate Democratic fund raising committee took in more cash than its Republican counterpart last month…desperation has a funny way of bringing in dough.

A study finds a flu shot lowers heart attack risk by 19%…apparently mercury must preserve the heart.

After the Deepwater disaster, the oil industry is prepping for a surge in insurance premiums…there’s one industry that makes more money than Big Oil.

Hurricane Igo is heading north after battering Bermuda…odd that he could be so violent with that hump.

Facebook says it is not building a mobile phone…but perhaps is building a real life Farmville.

The 4th largest US homebuilder reported 3rd quarter profit with growing revenue at its distressed investing unit…translation…it’s bought a boatload of foreclosed homes.

European Union is bailout aid is unlikely as countries cut debt…Europe is cutting, the US is spending, and China is laughing.

Pop star Lady Gaga will headline a rally against the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy…an expression which best describes her fashion choices.

Scientists claim children exposed to a cold-like virus are more likely to get fat…or perhaps parents are giving the kids Twinkies instead of chicken soup.