The President marked the end of the combat mission in Iraq…but thankfully spared us the photo-op of him in a flight suit with a cod piece.

The Defense Secretary says even though the US combat mission in Iraq is formally ending, it’s no time to celebrate…unless you drop acid and think we actually won.

David Hasselhoff, Michael Bolton, Florence Henderson, and Jennifer Grey will appear on Dancing With The Stars…or as its’ known in Hollywood: Please Hire Me Again To Do Something, Anything.

Google is unveiling a new Gmail feature that rearranges messages so the most important appear at the top…like your porn subscription is about to expire.

Consumer confidence climbed more than forecast in August…placing it just above the water line of a nearly dry creek.

Two health groups say health workers should get flu shots or lose their jobs…apparently everyone’s health matters except if you are a health worker.

Sarah Palin will headline an annual GOP dinner in Iowa leading some to believe she may run for president…or they’re desperate for entertainment.

A study finds drinkers outlive non-drinkers…especially if the last few years of your life you’re so drunk…you forget to die.

Rudy Giuliani’s daughter will have her shoplifting charge dismissed after 1 day of community service…which involves making sure her Dad never wears his hair in a comb-over.

Tiger Woods’ ex-wife says her children are getting her through her ex-husband’s cheating scandal…and presumably the millions of dollars in the divorce settlement.

The Vice President is participating in a ceremony marking the end of the US combat mission in Iraq…now the only weapon of mass destruction there is Biden’s mouth.

Las Vegas Police say they will give Paris Hilton no special treatment…except for silk handcuffs.

A study finds pot may provide chronic pain relief…except for stomach aches due to higher intakes of Twinkies.

Childrens’ sports-related concussions are rising…on the other hand that may make them easier to control.

A new poll finds six in ten say Sarah Palin would be an ineffective president…so in other words just like all other presidents.

George Clooney won a Humanitarian Award at the Emmys…for not making another Batman movie.

Snooki’s boyfriend has proposed…they share a tanning bed.

Health testing at California beaches has dipped to its lowest level since tests became mandatory…so in addition to bringing a towel and sunscreen add a radiation suit.

Lindsey Lohan’s father is praising her…something that might send her back to rehab.

The U.S. birthrate fell for the second year in midst of the recession…apparently in this economy wire coat hangers are very cheap.

The Federal Reserve’s annual retreat was held in Jackson Hole…appropriately named since a hole is where snakes live.

A major riot broke out at California’s Folsom State Prison…or they’re filming The Longest Yard Two.

69 cars were involved in Phoenix highway accident…that’s one of the few times that number is not considered pleasurable.

Toyota is recalling 1.13 million vehicles…making recalls seem as common as well…Toyotas.

Ford is recalling nearly a half million Windstar Minivans…for ruining the images of NASCAR dads forced to drive them.

Coal waste has contaminated the water of 21 states…apparently the industry’s definition of “clean” is different from the rest of us.

Paris Hilton has been arrested for cocaine possession…just in time to rob the spotlight from a newly-released-from-rehab Lindsey Lohan.

Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin told thousands of Americans to “restore America” at a rally in Washington, DC…a stone’s throw from the Lincoln Memorial…dedicated to the worst tyrant America has ever produced.

Breastfeeding may lower moms’ risks of diabetes…tit milk is sugar free!

More over 50 are using social networking websites…making the once hip trend lame…and actual socializing hip…again.

The CDC says births declined nearly 3% in 2009 compared to the prior year…apparently babies are going out of vogue…along with bath water.

Fed Head Bernanke says the economy remains vulnerable…to the manipulations of central bankers.

The President plans to commemorate Hurricane Katrina on 5th anniversary…by driving a school bus no one else will ride.

Dell and HP are both vying for a data storage company…’cause you can only charge so much for ink cartridge refills.

New Jersey’s education commissioner has been fired after the state missed out on nearly $400 million in federal education funding…beggars apparently can be choosers as long as they don’t mind losing their jobs.

New research shows that black rice has more antioxidants than blueberries…enjoy a bowl with your soy milk.

USA Today newspaper is cutting 9% of its workforce…we’ll have to see if that winds up as a pie chart in the paper.

Some senior Democrats are considering extending the Bush tax cuts…just in time to siphon off more dough from the wealthy for those tough re-election campaigns.

The federal government plans to remove the temporary cap of the BP Gulf well…leaving it with a comb over.

The FDA has discovered evidence of salmonella in chicken feed…that costs extra in the finest chicken restaurants.

The feds aim to fine American Airlines a record $24 million plus for maintenance lapses…so presumably you’ll soon have to pay for cabin air.

The FAA says a JetBlue Airways plane blew a tire while landing at a California airport…making the airline JetBlack&Blue.

R & B singer Chris Brown received a positive review from a LA judge…which apparently means more than positive reviews of his music.

The Dow has dropped below 10,000…much like the populations of every state in the union.

Lindsay Lohan had her license reinstated…so she can drive Herbie: The Trouble Bug.

An independent counsel has accused NY’s Gov of making “misleading” statements under oath about his receipt of World Series tickets…which ranks 1,495th on a list of 1,500 problems in New York State.

Rod Blagojevich is headed for a retrial early next year…but unfortunately not a new hair styling.

Toyota is recalling Corolla and Matrix models due to an engine defect…it seems like Toyota is having more problems than the seniors who typically drive its products.

New Jersey’s mortgage loans that were “seriously delinquent” are the highest in the tri-state area…you know times are tough when even the mob can’t pay its loans.

Google has reached 1 million calls on its new Gmail VolP service…mostly from people saying “Hey, I’m calling you from my Gmail account.”

A new government report finds just four companies control 90% of the wireless market…just like every industry in the States.

17 attorneys general wrote an open letter to Craigslist requesting that the “adult services” portion be taken down immediately…the only thing government hates more than money is sex…especially sex for which you may have to pay.

Facebook is suing a new website called Teachbook…for using “book” in its name…I sense the basis for a new social networking game “Backlash.”

Paris Hilton called police after seeing a man wielding two large knives and banging on her windows…probably her chefs just locked themselves out.

Wil Forte is leaving Saturday Night Live…this can only work out one of two ways…he either becomes Chevy Chase or Mike Myers.

Heidi Montag wants her breast implants removed…perhaps Spencer will get to keep one in the divorce for those lonely nights.

John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are reportedly not dating again…which can only mean one of them has something to promote.

New home sales have hit their lowest level ever…on the bright side…caves are cheap.

Tiger Woods ex-wife says she’s been through hell…also known as Tiger’s prostate.

Ex-President Jimmy Carter is visiting North Korea…to scout land for a new peanut farm.

Lindsey Lohan has been released from rehab early…great news for Hollywood’s bars and nightclubs.

Spencer Pratt says he’s working through things with Heidi Montag…like who gets to keep their agent.

Astronomers have discovered a new solar system 127 light years away that is very similar to our own…hopefully without those annoying humans.

Mozilla has released the fourth beta version of Firefox 4…and yet still no sign of Clint Eastwood.

A top Pentagon official has confirmed an attack on U.S. military computers in 2008…but has not confirmed it occurred during a particularly competitive game of Battleship.

“Mad Men” star Christina Hendricks is modeling for London Fog…it’s never about the coat but what’s under it that counts.

Katie Holmes will play Adam Sandler’s wife in next year’s Jack and Jill…she’s in good form after playing Tom Cruise’s wife.

A massive recall of eggs possibly tainted with salmonella bacteria is now at more than half-a-billion and could grow…the next things they’ll recall in America are moms and apple pies.

Jennifer Aniston is reuniting with Courtney Cox on Cougar Town…which has already happened in the dreams of most men.

Heidi Montag has tweeted Lauren Conrad that Spencer Pratt is “sucky”…which in Hollywood means…I’d still sleep with him if he could help my career.

AIG says it has repaid almost $4 billion to the US government…so where’s my check?

Rectal cancer rates are rising among people under 40…frat boys might want to rethink that booze in the butt stunt.

A study revealed that bottled tea contains very low levels of antioxidants and polyphenols compared to brewed tea…but high levels of what we all crave…sugar.

Tiger Woods says he and wife Elin Nordegren are now divorced…just in time to avoid holiday gifts.

Kanye West promises to release a new song every week through the holidays…presumably to be loved by the naughty and not the nice.

Sweden has dropped rape accusations against the founder of WikiLeaks…proving the one thing governments consistently try to rape is the truth.

Israel says Iran’s 1st nuclear power plant is “totally unacceptable”…to big oil.

Haiti has barred Wyclef Jean from running for president…but not from making the inevitable song about it.

Spencer Pratt, estranged husband of Heidi Montag, is reportedly peddling an alleged sex tape starring her…presumably called “The (Plastic) Hills.”

Fewer than 37,000 homeowners have had their mortgages lowered through a federal government program…making it “successful” since its given Joe and Suzie Six Pack the illusion their government is doing something for them.

A new study finds causal tobacco smoking and secondhand or passive smoking can do more harm than previously thought…like making you vulnerable to STDs from those who like to drink, smoke, and pick up strangers in bars.

118 banks have failed so far in the United States…making banks as stable as the marriage of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.

Gas prices are expected to fall after Labor Day…just in time for Americans to save enough money to waste during the holidays.

Ketamine long-considered a “party drug” is reportedly a treatment for depression…especially when you get down about running out of glow sticks.

Madonna is being sued over the rights to use the “Material Girl” name for the juniors clothing line that she designed with Lourdes…but no word on whether “Fashion Whore” is already taken.

Search strings using Cameron Diaz’s name have a 1-in-10 chance of coming up with a site infected with or spreading malware…much like her movie Charlies Angels: Full Throttle.

A tip from an observant forest ranger led to the arrest of an Arizona prison escapee and his alleged accomplice…never start a forest fire…especially if you’re fresh out of jail.

The fed say the salmonella outbreak that led to the recall of 380 million eggs was preventable and will likely grow…much like your distaste for chicken.

Unemployment rose in July in 14 states…Happy Dependence Day.

A new study finds eating high amounts of green leafy vegetables helps significantly reduce the risk of developing type 2 diabetes…as well as your chances of making new friends…veggies make you ripe with gas.

A new study finds Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is linked to exposure to pesticides…there are no bugs on your plants but now your kid is a bug.

An Ohio bear owned by PETA foe has killed its caretaker…somewhere on both East and West Coasts animal activists are partying.

The organizer of the planned Muslim community center in Lower Manhattan has begun a three-country tour of the Persian Gulf…get your I Support Religious Freedom burqas while they last.

A Navy panel recommends discharging ex-astronaut Lisa Nowak who lost her NASA job over a bizarre airport attack on a romantic rival…unless they want her to roam free on ships to count the strawberries.

Cast members of “The Expendables” rung the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange…smack dab in the middle of an industry that is expendable.

A study finds smoking in the movies has been declining since 2005…meanwhile smoking off screen by teens outside movie theaters never seems to decline.

Jennifer Aniston is taking heat for using the word retard…but always escapes criticism for inspiring women to obsess over their hair every time “Rachel” got a new do.

Heidi Montag is reportedly threatening legal action over her estranged husband Spencer Pratt’s plans to write a tell-all book about their relationship…they’ll be no need…it’ll be in the bargain bin on the day of its release.