A gas explosion blew the roof of a LA welding shop…Sandra Bullock was probably hoping it belonged to Jesse James.

US Gross Domestic Product in the second quarter was lower than originally reported…the reporters can’t keep their rosy glasses from slipping down their noses.

Ellen is leaving American Idol…she was too nice…they need to bring in a dick…perhaps Andy Dick.

Heidi Montag has filed for divorce from Spencer Pratt…following Einstein’s law of Hollywood marriages…two obnoxious people cannot occupy the spotlight at the same time in the same space.

Calcium supplements are reportedly linked to heart attacks…after you see the price of milk.

The federal government claims WikiLeaks endangered informants and troops in Afghanistan by posting war logs…as opposed to the government which really does endanger them all the time by waging war.

The federal government is running a new cable TV ad about the new health care law…subtitled How To Off Your Elders.

The President test drove a Chevy Volt at the GM plant…so he can remain firmly behind the wheel of yet another government boondoggle.

Facebook has reportedly put off a share sale until 2012…when the world will end but Farmville will still be going.

NY’s AG has subpoenaed more insurance companies in a fraud probe…he’s really gearing up for that run for governor.

Bestselling author Anne Rice has “quit being a Christian”…unfortunately like so many other Christians.

A study shows drinking alcohol can reduce the severity of the symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis so if you really want to help grandma deal with her bad knees then make her do keg stands.

If college fraternities and sororities want to clean up their images and present themselves as “community service” organizations now is your chance to embark on a “senior citizen rheumatoid arthritis reduction program”…also known now as a kegger.

Think of the fun you’ll have while sharing brews with those twice your age. You can learn about life in the Great Depression and compare it to life in the Great Recession.

You’ll glean important crocheting tips and ways to stay warm even when it’s just 90 degrees in the shade.

And most importantly for mere pennies you’ll be reducing the nation’s health care expenses by getting grandma and grandpa smashed.

Arizona immigration law has already encouraged Mexicans to begin returning home…or head to New Mexico.

A plethora of oil-spill related lawsuits filed against BP are heading to court…once the cases are closed burning the paperwork may keep us warm for the next decade.

The President taped a segment of “The View”…next stop…Maury.

President Is urging Congress to pass tax cuts and loan relief for small businesses…even street corner drug dealers are incorporating in hopes of getting government bailouts.

Leonardo DiCaprio has pulled out of a Mel Gibson movie about Vikings…probably because Mel’s rants were not recorded on environmentally sound tape.

Chelsea Clinton has been reportedly hitting the gym hard prior to her wedding…on the honeymoon, her hubby better bring protein shakes.

Studies claim mouth-to-mouth resuscitation is unnecessary…unless she’s hot.

Unemployment claims declined by 11,000 last week…but that’s a government figure so presume it’s really 5,500.

Kanye West has been rapping at the headquarters of both Twitter and Facebook…as a thank you for helping to keep his “low” self-esteem high.

Lindsey Lohan is reportedly “creating art” in jail…a self-portrait in cigarettes.

Angelina Jolie says Brad Pitt always makes her feel sexy…as opposed to teen boys everywhere.

Paul McCartney has invited the Jonas Brothers to perform with him at the White House…they can carry his guitar.

A federal judge has blocked a key part of Arizona’s new immigration law…he’s banned goose stepping.

Porsche plans to build a hybrid super car…part conspicuous consumption/part economic stimulus.

Support for the Afghan war appears to be eroding in Congress…defense contractors better step up those campaign contributions.

A new study says relationships help you live longer…especially that relationship between the size of your wallets or pocketbooks and the size of your health care bills.

Animal rights activists are celebrating a ban on bullfights in northeastern Spain…and yet no ban on those ridiculous pants worn by matadors.

Researchers say store receipts contain cancer-causing compounds…so make sure your pants fit before you leave the store; you don’t want to have to go back with the receipt!

Researchers say 1 in 15 New York City residents battles bed bugs…homelessness is starting to look better.

Texas beaches are reportedly slightly cleaner than most others in the Gulf…making it perfect for the obsessive-compulsive on vacation.

A British study finds drinkers have less risk of developing rheumatoid arthritis…falling down drunk eliminates build up in the joints.

Lindsey Lohan gets to keep her hair extensions while in jail…better make sure there’s no window otherwise she might pull a Rapunzel.

The US is bracing for blowback over Afghan war disclosures…but apparently has no need to brace for blowback over actually starting the war.

BP’s newly appointed chief says the oil giant is committed to its business in the US…unfortunately.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie bought a $40 million Italian villa…they must be “downsizing.”

Chelsea Clinton’s wedding will cost about $3 million…mostly due to the cost of security to keep her Dad away from the bridesmaids.

Jon and Kate Gosselin have reached a custody deal…Jon gets to keep his Ed Hardy t-shirts.

July’s measure of consumer confidence reached its lowest level since February…hard to feel confident when some people are paying to go to county fairs in installments.

Low-risk cancer patients often receive overly aggressive treatments…of their wallets.

New home sales increased 24% in June…that American dream still looks plausible…especially if you’re high.

Stored items belonging to ex-Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich may be auctioned off for lack of payment…they’d make more if they auctioned off his hair care tips.

The President will appear on “The View”…he must be desperately seeking those female voters.

A new poll finds liberals would be thrilled If Sarah Palin jumps into the presidential race…and so would moderate Republicans who enjoy mocking her.

Researchers find medical devices injure 70,000 children annually…if you consider a bong to be a “medical device.”

Two new prescription medications are now available to treat head lice…Raid and New Raid.

An Iowa dam has failed…I guess we can expect $10 popcorn.

Ships are returning to the Gulf oil spill site…unlike the wildlife who must be crapping on BP’s US offices.

BP’s Tony Hayward will reportedly step down…after sucumming to foot-in-mouth bad PR disease.

More than 100 US banks have now failed…making US banks about as safe as some imported cars with failing brakes.

The VA department is relaxing the rules for medical cannabis in the 14 states where the drug is legal…you can now buy enough weed to fit inside a helmet.

The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff says the Afghan war will get worse…making the chiefs reach for joints.

Newt Gingrich appears to be gearing up to run for President…of the you-don’t-have-a-snowball’s-chance-in-hell club.

An ex-CIA chief says the US seems more likely to attack Iran…especially when bread and circuses are not enough to distract the populace…bloodshed does it every time.

Federal investigators say Deepwater Horizon oil rig alarms were switched off before the explosion…batteries are expensive!

The US “pay czar” says it would be unfair to ask firms bailed out by the government to return payouts they made to executives…but apparently it’s fair to screw taxpayers.

Economists say new sanctions imposed by South Korea against North Korea are likely to worsen the country’s fragile economy…the pen is mightier than the sword…but not rock.

A 40-foot-wide sinkhole opened in Milwaukee…giving residents yet another reason to get drunk.

India has developed a computer tablet that sells for $35…that’s one expensive abacus.

A potentially deadly airborne fungus is an emerging in the Pacific Northwest…must explain grunge music.

A new study suggests a low HDL cholesterol level may not be so bad…enjoy your butter.

Congress is extending unemployment benefits another 6 months…just in time to stock up on votes for November’s election.

A federal judge doubts Arizona’s immigration law is constitutional…which may be one of the few times a federal judge actually cares about the Constitution.

Major League Baseball is now testing for steroids in the minor leagues…who can’t afford the really good stuff…making testing…pointless.

IBM has launched a new line of mainframe computers…which sounds so…20th century.

Doctors say pregnant women who have had a C-section may now be given the option of having a vaginal birth…leave it to modern medicine to do things backwards.

GM is getting back into the subprime business…if at first you don’t succeed…try the same dumb thing again.

The US Senate is shelving efforts to pass cap-and-trade legislation…so they don’t have to explain to voters why they’re jetting around in Gulfstreams prior to the fall elections.

A new Gallup poll found record low public confidence in Congress…that must recycle polls since the birth of Congress.

Mel Gibson supposedly texted his ex with weird messages…he must’ve saved time by using symbols for vulgarity.

Goldman Sachs’ 2nd quarter profit fell 86% from the 1st quarter…leaving them with slightly more money than at least 125 countries.

International leaders have vowed to support Afghanistan…by trying to dominate it.

A new gel may prevent HIV infection among women…it’s called Mace.

Experts and activists are warning that AIDS in Eastern Europe and Central Asia is on the rise…must be embracing those “western values.”

Democrats are expected to extend unemployment benefits…in Chinese yuan.

Mel Gibson’s ex is accusing him of hitting their infant daughter…sounds like the ex is trying to hit pay dirt with dirt.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has reached an agreement with MTV for more Jersey Shore…more hair gel.