Hurricane Alex could slam into northeast Mexico tonight…Mother Nature’s way of stemming illegal immigration.

The President is criticizing the GOP for failing to back financial reform legislation…a tune that’s been remixed so many times no one can remember its originator.

Republicans are pressing Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan on social issues…by asking penetrating questions like does she use makeup, play softball, or own flannel shirts?

Tiger Woods’ divorce is final with his ex-wife getting $750 million…and all it took was a golf club to his Caddy.

Renowned atheist Christopher Hitchens is undergoing cancer treatment…there are no atheists in foxholes…or cancer wards.

Researchers say testosterone gel is linked to heart problems…but if you’re using it perhaps your problems are farther north…like in your head.

A mobile phone market analyst predicts Verizon may sell 12 million iPhones next year…so much for that coverage competition with AT & T.

A highway-worthy airplane has moved one step closer to production…and so has the anxiety level in those who anticipate incidents of air rage.

Wonder Woman, the 69-year-old superhero, is getting a less revealing wardrobe…it now better covers that “mom” pouch.

The new Britney Spears collection for Candie’s is arriving at Kohl’s…presumably with an optional shock therapy collar.

Google says web searches are partially blocked in China…unlike here in the US where some lawmakers unfortunately think America should block them too.

Ford says it will reduce its huge debt by another $4 billion…that’s a whole lot of Pintos.

A Michigan man with a brain tumor has sued Wal-Mart for firing him after he tested positive for medical marijuana…he’s saving money and living better but apparently not the “Wal-Mart” way.

Russia calls the US arrests of 11 suspected Russian spies unfounded…especially since those Russian satellites already know what’s going on in America.

Israeli diplomats have started wearing jeans and sandals to work…that’s one way to ease into negotiations…no one wants to argue when you’re ready for the beach.

US consumer confidence index plummeted to its lowest level since March…those quarterly blues are timely.

The President is calling for international cooperation in space…while inciting arguments here on Earth.

Ex-Miss California Carrie Prejean is getting married…but after nude photos and sex tapes…I’m sure she’ll still wear white.

Colorado has the lowest rate of adult obesity of any state in the nation…that Rocky Mountain high must be from something other than pot because if it was…they’d all be fat.

The FDA is urging meat producers to use less antibiotics…if not for the health of all then at least so girls don’t develop tits before they should.

The FBI has arrested 10 suspected Russian spies…global warming has yet to melt the cold war.

General Stanley McChrystal is retiring from the Army…but keeping his job as a media punching bag.

Apple’s new iPhone 4 is getting criticized for problems with its antenna, screen, and camera…and yet virtually no one thinks its over-hyped, over-priced, and under useful.

Chris Brown cried onstage while performing at the BET Awards…after realizing his dime store imitation of MJ won’t resurect his singing career after a stint as an “amateur boxer.”

Steve Carell is leaving NBC’s “The Office” at the end of the next season…but no worries I’m sure Charlie Sheen is available.

Jesse James and Sandra Bullock have finalized their divorce…she’s keeping her grace…he’s keeping his piss poor attitude, crappy romantic choices, and asshole character.

Louisiana wants $10 million from BP for mental health services for those affected by the oil spill…like government that thinks the answer is banning all offshore drilling.

Senator Robert Byrd, the longest-serving member of Congress in US history, has died at 92…making Congress only slightly younger than petrified wood.

The Supreme Court has struck down a ban on handguns…now we know what’s under those robes.

Iran is reportedly ready to resume nuclear talks in August…right after July ‘hide-your-nuclear-weapons” month.

The President is issuing an executive order to expand broadband capacity…so we can all get extra government propaganda on our cell phones and laptops.

Experts say Americans’ personal income, spending, and saving all grew in May…like the short kid in school who grows 1/8th of an inch…you barely notice.

BP says it captured nearly 25,000 barrels of oil from the Gulf spill on Sunday…but like a bad magician fails to distract anyone from noticing the oil going untrapped.

Motley Crue frontman Vince Neil was arrested on suspicion of a DUI…and apparently has yet to realize he could afford to rent a limo.

The Supreme Court will hear a legal challenge to an Arizona’s illegal immigration law…but seems to have failed to listen in law school class about that part of the Constitution concerning states’ rights.

Aflac has sold its entire sovereign debt holdings in Greece…makes the company sound like its molting…like its mascot…the duck.

Tropical storm Alex is not aiming at the Gulf oil spill…but like a man with an aging prostate…he just might spray somewhere he didn’t intend.

Weight loss surgery is riskier for smokers…ironically making the act of smoking which suppreses the appetite a healthy choice.

Scientists are trying to find a way to predict menopause…amateurs have decided it’s round around the time a woman takes up knitting.

It’s the 40th anniversary of San Francisco’s Gay Pride Parade…making it the aging hipster still hanging on to the dream of being relevant.

Toyota is recalling Lexus HS 250h hybrids…giving yuppies the vapors.

86 banks in the US have failed so far this year…making banking almost as worrisome a career choice as offshore oil drilling.

The federal government is poised to award contracts to 20 states to run new insurance pools for people with serious medical problems…but eventually government like a hung over lifeguard will order people out of the pool too.

Florida Republican leaders are crafting anti-illegal-immigrant legislation modeled after an Arizona law…imitation is the sincerest form of vote getting.

Tropical storm Alex reportedly will not impact the BP Gulf oil leak…unfortunately much like the efforts to stop it.

The President spent Saturday urging Congress to pass a financial reform bill…Saturday morning cartoons are so funny.

Porn sites are getting a new dot XXX web domain…’cause porn is so hard to find online.

National HIV Testing Day is set for June 27…right after National Promiscuity Day June 26.

Russia has slapped “smoking kills” warnings on cigarettes…must be motivated by guilt over years of throwing prisoners in gulags.

New York State may allow grocery stores to sell wine…good news for those of us who buy it by the cart load.

Foul smells from some Kellogg breakfast cereals has prompted a voluntary recall…perhaps Snap, Crackle, and Pop need to start using deodorant.

Jason Bateman angered 2,000 people when he cut in line at an LA Apple store to get the latest version of the iPhone…now that’s arrested development.

Radar Online says singer Fergie is leaving the Black Eyed Peas and moving forward with her own solo career…as a tranny.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar is divorcing his wife of 14 years…perhaps he really is like Zack from Saved By The Bell.

California may ban free bags at grocery stores…but if they really were concerned about the environment they’d ban shopping carts so people could only buy what they could carry…goodbye obesity…hello bruised apples.

The President is claiming victory in the new financial overhaul of Wall Street…government continues to build a wall around a moving moat…pointless.

Companies peddling microbial cures for the oil spill are visiting the Gulf Coast…green slime makes it sounds like an old episode of Double Dare.

The UK’s PM wants British military forces out of Afghanistan within 5 years…but government just like sex addicts wants to keep screwing until something falls off.

Oscar winner Mel Gibson has filed for a restraining order against his ex-girlfriend and mother of his seven-month-old daughter…he’s a Legal Weapon.

A national study finds too few local health clinics in the US offer diabetes screening or obesity prevention programs…duh…without them they can sell more meds.

A report claims nearly 1 in 5 American women in her early 40s is childless…upping the supply of SILFs.

The Provincetown school system will revisit its controversial policy of making condoms available to all students…and instead supply them only to the “cool” kids.

A lawyer says ex-Alaska Gov Sarah Palin plans to return almost $400,000 collected by her legal defense fund…or build one hell of a moose hunting lodge.

Social conservatives are labeling a decision to have an 11-year-old serve as grand marshal of a gay pride parade “child abuse”…only if they force him to sing show tunes.

Arizona’s Governor says most illegal immigrants are smuggling drugs…and most Americans crossing into Mexico are smuggling health problems.

A Supreme Court ruling may help disgraced ex-Telegraph owner Conrad Black and Enron fraudster Jeffrey Skilling win early release from prison…justice is sometimes both blind and stupid.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates reportedly wanted to keep Gen Stanley McChrystal in Afghanistan…making Gates next in line for White House dog walker.

Some experts predict Apple may sell 1 million iPhone 4s…technology is the new money printing press…with bells, whistles, and bright lights.

Twitter has settled privacy charges with the FTC and agreed to a security program…140 characters in Morse Code.

A study finds no association between a pregnant mother’s proximity to a cell phone tower and early childhood cancers…so presumably it’s just the crappy air, soil, and water around the tower that poses problems.

Botox injections may dampen your ability to feel emotions…no needle rids the body of narcissism.

Allman Brothers Band co-founder Gregg Allman underwent liver-transplant surgery…but has yet to undergo relevant career-transplant surgery.

Mortgage rates have fallen to a new low…they’re on street corners begging people to take advantage of them like crack-addicted hookers.

California is facing what could be the state’s biggest outbreak of whopping cough since 1958…soon every celebrity may adopt the Michael Jackson face mask look.

The White House is reviewing a list of possible replacements for Stanley McChrystal…it’s so hard to find a Manchurian General.

The Interior Secretary will re-issue a deep water offshore drilling ban blocked by a federal judge…who’s likely on a government short list for reassignment to small claims court.

US home sales dropped 33% in May to a record low…replaced by record sales of mobile homes.

America scores dead last in a health care study…not surprising since we invented Twinkies.

Obesity after 50 reportedly raises diabetes risk…while obesity under 50 reduces STD risks.

Ex-NY governor Eliot Spitzer is set to co-host a talk show on CNN…Political Girls Gone Wild.

Disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff is reportedly working at kosher pizza restaurant in Baltimore…where ex-DC insiders go to get an honest job.

Miley Cyrus says she’s not a rapper…and barely a singer…not a bad dancer.

The top US general in Afghanistan is in hot water over remarks he made about the President in a Rolling Stone magazine interview…it’s the ultimate hippies revenge!

The President warned insurance firms not raise rates…but to bump up those re-election campaign contributions.

A federal judge in New Orleans has blocked a moratorium on deep-water oil drilling…when it comes to black gold…the Big Easy lives up to its name.

The White House says the budget director is stepping down…after running out of abacuses.

The Scottish government says the UK Budget has jeopardized Scotland’s economic recovery…which amounts to three less sheep.

Census estimates show New York City approaching a record population of 8.4 million…not including subway rats.

The troubled remake of the classic movie “Footloose” has finally got its cast together…apparently it’s a bit more than six degrees from Kevin Bacon…the lead is an unknown dancer.

Research shows coffee drinkers have a lower rate of head and neck cancers…’cause they’re too jittery to smoke.

A consumer group wants McDonald’s to stop using Happy Meal toys…making it a Less Happy Meal…especially if the Hamburglar is around.

California is considering digital license plates…great but only if drivers get to post messages on them like…back the F$#K off.