The White House and BP are arguing over the size of the oil leak…size matters…especially the mouth.

The Chairman of the US Joint Chiefs of Staff wants a review on the ban on gays in the military before it’s repealed…perhaps a musical review from Chippendales.

Dennis Hopper has died…making Hollywood slightly more sane.

May 31 is World No Tobacco Day…and coincidentally World Obese Day.

12 of Spain’s 45 savings banks are talking about merging…with Taco Bell because one Euro is worth one chalupa.

China has stayed out of the rising tensions between North and South Korea…’cause China like the US realizes you can make more money selling guns to the Koreas.

Doctors warn Scottish pregnant smokers do not know enough about the health risks…of smoking kilts.

A new study finds acupuncture relieves pain by triggering a natural painkilling chemical…anger at being poked with needles.

A 2-year-old Indonesia boy smokes 40 cigarettes a day…so when’s 10 he’ll be as tall as he was when he was 2.

A study finds 1/5th of Wyoming drivers would fail a driving test…good thing there’s nothing to hit on the road in Wyoming…other than cattle.

The government is trying to install a new air-traffic network ahead of a 2020 deadline…so expect it in place by 2040.

Skype 2.0 for iPhone has finally arrived…enjoy that shaky web-cam call from the comfort of your couch.

Facebook gets 540 million unique visitors…500 million of which own land in Farmville.

Celine Dion is pregnant with twins…now that’s a Vegas show I’d pay to see.

The Duchess of York is reportedly in serious debt…time to marry royalty…again.

Coney Island has a new amusement park…Crack Land.

Cancer experts say there is no such thing as a healthy tan…except for LL Bean khakis…those are a healthy tan.

Fun Memorial Day Weekend Activities

(1) Trying to remember where relatives are buried at the cemetery.

(2) Trying to figure out who people are at family reunion picnics.

(3) Dressing for the entire day in one outfit without bringing pants or shorts with you.

(4) Checking expiration dates on mayo jars.

(5) Hoping your cousin used fresh Jell-O for the cake.

(6) Rushing home in time to pick up your car before the garage closes.

(7) Cleaning out the garage only to discover you should have called a junk remover.

(8) Finding something remotely interesting on TV.

(9) Balancing the desire to drink with the desire to get home safely.

(10) Figuring out how to avoid as much work as possible the following week.

The White House reportedly used ex-Prez Clinton to ask Rep Joe Sestak if he would get out of his primary race…perhaps there’s a Clinton-Gone-Wild tape.

BP’s CEO gives “top kill” 48-hours to work…efforts to stop the leak have played like the movie starring Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy.

The President visited Gulf residents telling them “you’re not alone”…especially with the federal government ready to mess up their neighborhoods.

Ford expects the auto industry sales pace to continue…apparently “analysis” is not-so-cleverly-disguised wishful thinking.

The House voted to extend unemployment benefits…hopefully they’ve added passes to the nations’ beaches.

Furloughs for NYS workers have been blocked by judge…those unions sure to weigh a lot on the scales of justice…there’s your obesity problem New York.

Fears the Gulf oil spill will keep fishers away from Florida, no license is required to saltwater fish during Memorial Day…you free to catch cheap oil.

Consumer spending stalled in April…like a 1978 Ford Pinto station wagon with a 4-speed standard transmission on a hill being driven by a novice wheelman.

Experts are predicting Apple will sell more iPads than Macs…making the iPad the “Thriller” of cyberspace to the Mac’s “Off The Wall.”

Toyota was ordered to give lawyers suing over sudden acceleration claims most of the documents it gave to Congress…easy to do unless they were stored in a Toyota.

Lindsey Lohan is asking Chanel to decorate her alcohol-monitoring bracelet…even Andy Dick would probably think that’s a bit much.

A study finds college students today are less empathetic than their counterparts 20 and 30 years ago…but who gives a sh*t?

The WHO wants governments to ban tobacco ads that target women in developing countries…but if you’re a woman in a developing country chances are good you can’t afford to smoke.

Research suggests people who fail to brush their teeth twice a day risk of heart disease…and no dates.

Officials say “Top Kill” has stopped the Gulf oil leak for now…”Top Kill” where you tell the media the leak is stopped even if it isn’t.

The head of the Minerals Management Service has reportedly either been fired or resigned…given the economy, the administration must have a heart of coal.

Amnesty International is backing an investigation into whether the UK was complicit in foreign torture…this case could be cracked even by Inspector Clouseau.

“American Idol” said farewell to charismatic judge Simon Cowell…hopefully with a few kicks in the ass.

A new study finds year round use of tanning beds dramatically increases the risk of melanoma…but reduces the risk of being labeled “pasty.”

Wildlife in Louisiana is starting to show the effects of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico…ducks are wearing raincoats.

Space shuttle Atlantis has returned home after its final flight…wearing an oxygen mask and flying with a cane.

Hillary Clinton is in Seoul in an effort to reduce tension between North and South Korea…the US should’ve sent Bill to calm Korean leaders with chicks.

Thousands of additional American forces are heading into southern Afghanistan…to battle the “rebs” and make the world safe for American slavery.

Ellen DeGeneres has started her own record label…Melissa Ethridge must be thrilled.

US health regulators are investigating recalled children’s medications made by Johnson & Johnson…time for some old fashioned medicine…scotch.

People who think they stink may have a mental disorder called Olfactory Reference Syndrome…or keen noses.

Source say the US Justice Department is starting to look into Apple’s iTunes digital music service…DOJ just wants its own app.

Jesse James says as a child he was abused emotionally and physically…and now the rest of the world wants to kick his ass.

The US Coast Guard says BP must be allowed to continue trying to stop the oil spill because there is no alternative…but to throw a private company under the bus to score political points with voters.

The President is endorsing a “don’t ask, don’t tell” compromise on gays in the military…Clinton really did get a 3rd term.

The Supreme Court has ruled black firefighters can sue the city of Chicago…filing all those legal briefs really makes it the “windy” city.

Japan’s Nikkei average fell to its lowest since December…goodbye flat screen…hello flat growth.

The “Lost” finale drew 13.5 million viewers…who are still scratching their skulls over the plot like they have head lice.

A study finds kids who are vaccinated on time are better off than those who are immunized later…ironically so are profits at vaccine makers.

Google is revealing its AdSense revenue share…but that’s like a magician showing just a little smoke and only one mirror.

Lindsey Lohan is reportedly furious with a judge’s ruling which forces the actress to wear an alcohol monitoring bracelet…only because it doens’t match her other fashion accessories…like her decorative bong or her bejewled coke vials.

Bret Michael is scheduled to have heart surgery in the fall…the perfect theme for yet another reality show staring the rocker.

Lawmakers aim to modernize telecommunications laws that barely mention the Internet…but still ban certain words in telegrams.

Seoul shares fell to their lowest close in 15 weeks on worsening tensions with North Korea…time to buy a kimchi farm for next to nothing.

BP engineers are preparing a “top kill” attempt to stop the Gulf oil spill…I thought the spill was already a “top kill” for birds, fish, and seafood.

Stealth IRS changes mean millions of new tax forms…“green” jobs don’t apply to the taxman.

Stocks slumped today on worries about the global economy…the so-called green shoots are brown…time to flush it down.

A closely watched index of home prices in 20 major cities flattened in March, with 10 cities posting declines…it’s the Cardboard Box Index.

Google says it generated $54 billion in economic activity in the US last year…I can only presume a good chunk of cash that is related to porn.

A back injury has forced the band U2 to withdraw from its headline slot at Glastonbury festival in the UK…he’s now wearing a truss to support his ego.

Rumor has it a teammate of Lebron James had sex with the “King’s” mom…a towel fight in the locker room may now include brass knuckles.

North Korea has cut all ties to the South…South Koreans are now wearing suits with no ties…there’s trouble brewing.

The President will visit the Gulf Coast oil spill…presumably to personally put his boot heel on BP’s neck.

The President is urging Congress to approve incentives for small businesses…to close and move out of the US.

The Defense Secretary is reluctantly accepting a repeal on the ban of open homosexuals in the US military…so don’t expect him at any Army recreations of La Cage Aux Folles.

The Gulf oil spill is down to 1,120 barrels day…the amount Americans waste daily.

Tension between North and South Korea is rising…about the use of MSG.

After Spain rescued a failing bank, the euro dropped sharply…“sophisticated” European bankers are as dumb as American ones.

Sean Hayes of “Will and Grace” fame will host this year’s Tony Awards…take a chance …cast the Rock.

Municipal bonds may be the next financial landmine…our economy is as stable as Lindsey Lohan.

Republicans believe they’ll gain lots of Congressional seats in the fall elections…the GOP really does use drugs…hallucinogenics.

The government claims 45 million Americans don’t use seatbelts…yet government worries about overpopulation…that’s unnecessary.

Economists are predicting solid US growth…of a cancerous tumor known as debt.

Gold futures rose the most in a week as the euro tumbled…most of us are taking investment advice from Rumpelstiltskin.

FBI stats show murders and auto thefts fell sharply in the United States in ‘09…along with the accuracy and precision of government statistics.

Paula Abdul will appear as a judge on CBS’ “Got to Dance”…’cause the “senior” network needs a spacey actress to talk about tangos to lure “young” viewers.

Jesse James says he wanted Sandra Bullock to catch him cheating…if he was really being honest, Jesse would admit he wanted the papparazi to catch him…there go bike sales…through the roof.

An ex-Detroit-area Hooters waitress is suing the restaurant chain on claims she was told to lose weight or her job…that’s not discrimination, that’s customer service. No man eating at Hooters wants to see muffin tops…unless they’re on muffins.

The EPA administrator is in Louisiana monitoring the BP oil spill…at least out of Washington DC there’s less chance of crafting even more onerous regulations.

Rand Paul is the Michael Jackson of politics…controversial only because the media is too simple minded to understand him.

The UK’s Foreign Secretary says it would be “unwise” and “unhelpful” to set a date for troop withdraw from Afghanistan…especially when the military-industrial complex has a gun to every government’s head.

Businesses in Bangkok are set to reopen after anti-government protests…who’ve done some “remodeling” to create an “open air” market.

Arizona border businesses are reportedly loosing key Mexican clients…once you piss off the cartels…you’re done.

The Duchess of York is reportedly “devastated” and “regretful” following claims she offered to sell access to ex-husband Prince Andrew…or she has a bright future as a Hollywood agent.

Simon Cowell says he’s bored with American Idol…it takes a bore to know boring.

The CDC says 1 in 8 public pools may pose risk of infection…skinned knees from a slip ‘n’ slide beat public pool cooties.

Raw alfalfa sprouts contaminated with salmonella seem to have sickened at least 22 people in 10 states…apparently vegetarians are “dangerous.”

The President pledged a new “international order” at West Point graduation…and unfortunately that “order” remains the same as before…take over the world.

Andrew Cuomo is running for New York Governor…like father, like son…except most of us in NY didn’t like the father so I presume we won’t like the son either.

Iran says it will notify the UN of a nuclear swap agreement with Turkey…and by notify we presume after its already taken care of it.

The judge who issued an arrest warrant for Lindsey Lohan is taking a day out of her vacation to hear the case…cranky judge…wacked out actress…it’s a real live Night Court.

Google TV is designed to merge the web and TV…as well as the mush in your brain with the mush in others’ brains.

Jessie James apologized to Sandra Bullock on video…finally a Sandra Bullock movie I’d watch more than once.

It’s Bike-to-Work Day…followed by Sore Crotch Night.

A salmonella outbreak has infected 22 people in 10 states…that’s the real state of the union…sick…tired…and afraid.

Research finds talking with your doctor about sex makes sex after a heart attack less fearful…except many of us finding talking with our doctor about sex fearful.

Kevin Costner may hold the key to the Gulf oil spill…so I presume we can expect Waterworld 2.

Some lawmakers are calling for a ban on artificial life DNA…if only legislators’ DNA would prevent them from calling for bans.

It’s the 30th anniversary of Pac-Man…and the 30th anniversary of the virginity of regular players.

A JetBlue pilot turned over a gun before he was taken from Logan International Airport to a Boston hospital for evaluation…or he’s just pissed off about birds crapping on his plane’s windshield mid-flight.

Apple reversed a US store policy and is now accepting cash as payment for iPads…even in the digital age…tech companies still want greenbacks.

Hewlett-Packard is recalling 54,000 lithium-ion batteries after reports of injuries from batteries overheating and rupturing…so if you use a HP…consider asbestos pants.