Oil stocks are sliding as the Gulf oil spill is growing…oil and water don’t mix but their stocks might…now you can buy cheaper oil stocks and rising water stocks.

The President says he wants to increase offshore oil drilling cautiously…when he said “green” jobs he must’ve meant more green for fossil fuel makers.

The US economy grew at a 3.2% annual rate in the first 3 months of the year…if you’re talking about private sector job growth then negative 3.2%.

Chinese officials have opened the Shanghai Expo…where foreigners are left inside an empty arena….to be shanghaied.

Hawaii lawmakers have passed a civil unions bill…so they can get their hands on all that gay honeymoon cash.

The US Navy will for the 1st time recruit women into its submarine force…deep under the ocean nearly every male sailor is now smiling.

Law enforcement sources say the Justice Department is now investigating Goldman Sachs…while lawmakers have stepped up shipments of dogs and ponies.

The government says seasonal flu vaccine coverage is up but not enough…for vaccine makers’ bottom lines.

Researchers may have pinned down a way to predict whether a self-contained, noninvasive breast cancer, will later spread…nipple tweaking.

The FDA has OK’d an individualized “vaccine” for the treatment of advanced prostate cancer…one size doesn’t fit all…so once again…size matters.

Lindsey Lohan holds a gun in her mouth in a photo posted on Twitter…but if she was really messed up she’d be holding it somewhere else.

Secretary of State Clinton warned Iran’s president he will not get a warm welcome at UN talks…then again it’s Clinton…no one gets a warm welcome.

BP will pay to clean up the Gulf oil spill…or could turn it into a show, have someone jump a burning ring of fire, and sell it on pay-per-view.

An ex-NYPD cop was convicted of lying about a confrontation with a bicyclist…’cause we all know how tough those “bikers” are.

The President has nominated 2 economists and a lawyer to the Federal Reserve Board…2 to figure out how to waste money…1 to defend doing it in the name of “government.”

Ricky Gervais will again host the Golden Globe Awards…but they are not moving them to Scranton, PA.

It’s rumored that this could be Steve Carell’s last year on The Office…so I presume we’ll see the 40-Year-Old Virgin 2.

Nightmare on Elm Street has been remade…this time starring a Goldman Sachs trader as Freddy Kruger.

Chelsea Handler says she made a fake sex tape as a joke when she was 23-years-old to try to get work…unlike other actresses who make real sex tapes…to try to get work.

Nevada will opt out of operating a high-risk pool for uninsured residents…presumably all living in Las Vegas.

The Gulf oil spill is reportedly five times worse than thought…by the “experts”…but as serious as those who live there thought.

Miss Alaska 1984 is following her ex-rival Sarah Palin’s lead and entering politics…this calls for a showdown…beauty pageant speeches at ten paces.

An Illinois strip club is holding a Sarah Palin look-a-like contest…better than a sound-a-alike contest.

San Francisco’s Mayor has banned official city travel to Arizona because of the state’s new immigration law…ironically also violating American’s freedom to associate.

Rielle Hunter denies she’s a “home wrecker” but she had an illicit affair and illegitimate child with John Edwards…so I guess that makes her an “administrative” assistant in Washington DC.

Debate about a financial rules overhaul is set to begin in the Senate…unfortunately it won’t be about spending restraints on government.

The Thai army is stepping up efforts to stop anti-government protesters in Bangkok from getting more weapons…except the one weapon they can never stop…persistence.

The air in Santa Cruz County is among the cleanest in the nation…except when California snobs are around.

A recent study shows spicy peppers can help you burn more calories…an alientate friends and family with its after effects.

China has lifted a two-decade ban on HIV positive foreigners…but does little to curb environmental pollution unhealthy to them.

Researchers find prolonged steroid use may weaken heart muscles even more than previously thought…so some musclemen may be like the Tin Man…no heart.

The Justice Department may sue Arizona over its new immigration law…secession is looking better and better every day.

The Supreme Court has ruled the Mojave cross can stand…while the US still bears the cross of “public” land.

Sandra Bullock has filed for divorce…about as fast as that bus she drove in Speed.

The Greek debt crisis seems to be affecting Asian stock markets…there are now trades of lambs and noodles.

Gordon Brown says he was “mortified” after being caught on microphone describing a voter as a “bigoted woman”…Gordon better mumble.

Toyota is recalling 50,000 2003 Toyota Sequoia SUVs to upgrade the Vehicle Stability Control system…upset Toyota owners might need Emotional Stability Control.

A new study finds a test that looks for and can remove polyps in the lower part of the colon cuts cancer deaths nearly in half…sure hope it doesn’t involve 75 ft of steel cable.

American Lung Association’s State of the Air 2010 Report finds Baltimore and Washington made some improvements…more nose hairs to guard against airborne pollutants.

Calls to boycott Arizona over its new immigration law are escalating…but it’s a dry emotional heat.

The Interior Secretary is approving a wind farm off the coast of Cape Cod…meanwhile seagulls are ordering helmets and wing pads.

Senators grilled Goldman Sachs…but while lawmakers tried to burn the financial wizards of Wall Street at the stake…all they got were charcoal stains on their hands.

An oil spill may force a controlled burn in the Gulf of Mexico…that’s one way to keep illegals out…create a burning ring of fire around the country.

A trans-Atlantic Delta Air Lines flight was diverted to Maine because a passenger claimed he had explosives…or a novel way of catching lobsters.

Senator Carl Levin sparred with Goldman Sachs Group Chief Executive Lloyd Blankfein…in a pissing match of who’s rich dick is bigger than the others.

The US government is telling a major health insurance company to stop dropping breast cancer patients…government is trying to stick its nose between tits.

Ukraine has decided to host a Russian naval base for 25 more years in exchange for cheaper gas…hope Russia doesn’t go to the pimp slap too much.

A new study suggests CT heart scans may help millions of seemingly healthy people get a better fix on their heart risk…or opt for a simpler approach…uncork red wine.

A Senate panel claims Goldman Sachs inflated the housing bubble…but won’t admit the US government made it all possible.

Arizona’s Governor says the state’s new tougher law on illegal immigration will help the economy…it’ll certainly help Mexico’s economy.

The White House says it will work with the Debt Commission to reduce the deficit…here’s an idea…stop taxing and spending.

In February, US home prices posted their 1st annual increase since the end of ‘06…always helpful to those hoping to save money by challenging their assessments.

A German budget expert is pressuring private banks to accept a discount on Greek debt…Europeans will soon have to accept payments in lamb.

Mixed martial arts star Tito Ortiz claims his ex-porn star girlfriend is addicted to Oxycontin…not silicon as previously suspected.

Amy Winehouse suffered minor injuries after a minor fall at her home over the weekend and was taken to a London clinic…for a beehive wig adjustment.

A new study finds laughing can make you healthier by lowering blood pressure and cholesterol…except laughing at others in their presence ups your risk of getting your ass kicked.

A new study finds smoking, lack of exercise, poor diet, and alcohol consumption appear to increase the risk of death…but not boredom.

Santa Clara County California is considering a ban on Happy Meal toys…if government gets its way…it’ll ban happiness…or tax smiles.

David Hasselhoff is returning to the soap opera that launched his showbiz career…it used to be The Young And The Restless…now the Hoff makes it The Old And The Drunk.

A financial regulatory bill has hit an impasse…ironically impasses have yet to be regulated.

A tough new Arizona law is aimed at rooting out illegal immigrants…like a cactus in your boxer-briefs.

A major oil spill in waters off Louisiana has tripled…like the anger of the greens…and the oil exes pissed off about losing green.

A federal appeals court ruled a sex discrimination lawsuit against Wal-Mart can proceed as a class action for more than a million women…who apparently aren’t fans of Faded Glory lingerie.

Hugh Hefner donated $900,000 to help save the Hollywood sign…and add nipples to the Os.

Jenna Jameson’s boyfriend, an ex-Ultimate Fighting champ, has been charged with domestic violence…or she was trying to save on Botox.

Men and women who eat more chocolate are also likely to be depressed…but very energetic.

A study finds bad habits can age you 12 years…but only the good die young…and with healthy livers.

Nearly half of all adult Americans have high cholesterol, high blood pressure or diabetes…so when half the country is dead, they won’t need health insurance…there’s reform.

The FCC has launched a new “spectrum task force”…NBC better watch its peacock.

Lindsay Lohan’s father took the first step in attempting to establish a conservatorship over his daughter…unfortunately Herbie: Fully Loaded is already on DVD.

Randy Quaid and his wife are accused of skipping out on a $10,000 hotel bill…or developing a plot for Quick Change 2.

The GOP is preparing an alternative plan for financial regulation…and by “alternative” it means only slightly less intrusive than the Dems’ plan.

George W. Bush’s presidential memoirs will be released in November…so you can enjoy more than one turkey.

Newspaper circulation continues to decline…I read on the web.

Jesse James has returned home from rehab without his wedding ring…but if really wants to rehab he’ll need a chastity belt.

Sarah Palin is reportedly worth millions…she should buy a library.

A pint-sized horse born in New Hampshire may be the world’s smallest…not counting dogs that wear saddles.

Anti-government protesters are blocking roads in Thailand’s provinces…now that’s a Tea Party!

Rogue soldiers, active and retired, are supporting Thailand’s red-shirt protesters…for retirees the pay sucks but the hours are great!

The President is launching a new attempt to build business and social ties to the Muslim world…tax breaks for US-based burqa makers.

An Apple engineer reportedly lost a next-generation iPhone in a bar…it’s so sophisticated the phone finds him.

Lindsay Lohan has been dropped from an upcoming film reportedly because she’s no longer “bankable”…except to dealers.

Investor confidence in Greek assets sank again amid uncertainty over a bailout…while confidence in Greek asses remains high.

GE and Nissan will collectively develop charging stations for electric vehicles…Nissan’s Z now stands for Zap.

United and Continental Airlines have reportedly reached a roadblock in talks about a proposed merger…if this deal takes as long as going through airport security expect the merger done by 2015.

Twitter has acquired Cloudhopper…which as we all know was a very famous Native American communication ritual.

Youtube is beginning to experiment with pay-per-view streaming movie rentals…please don’t make me pay to see skateboards do face plants!

Jesse James’ alleged mistress Melissa Smith has reportedly sent an apology letter to Sandra Bullock’s lawyer…a rather dumb idea, sending “evidence” to a rival’s attorney.

Kim and Khloe Kardashian threw sister Kourtney a 31st birthday party…and gave gifts like free lifetime ass waxing.

Billionaire Ron Burkle donated $50,000 to charity on “Celebrity Apprentice”…to help offset Trump’s comb over expenses.

Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi has been doused with a drink by a man during a bar food fight…which in some parts of New Jersey is considered foreplay.

Kansas has banned smoking indoors…but boredom is still legal.