The woman at the center of the phony Duke lacrosse rape case has been was arrested for attempted murder…I think I already watched this on Lifetime.

The Dubai police chief wants the head of Mossad arrested…in Dubai they grow balls big enough to come in an oil tanker.

The President named a bipartisan panel to tackle exploding US budget deficits…here’s an idea…stop spending!

The Dalai Lama will go one-on-one with CNN’s Larry King…who undoubtedly will ask tough questions like…what do you wear under your robes?

A Microsoft-Yahoo deal has been cleared by European and US regulators…ironically the same people who accused MS of a software-browser monopoly.

Tiger Woods is expected to apologize for his extra-marital affairs…but it would make better TV if he and his wife appeared on Jerry Springer.

A study finds happiness is good for the heart…only in America could we need a study to confirm the obvious…next study…is the sky really blue?

The WHO recommends swine flu be added to regular flu vaccines next season…or in non-medical terms…an inventory reduction sale.

Twitter reportedly set a record in January for most unique visitors in a single month…but not the most unique posts gauging by the number of hash marks.

“The ZeuS Compromise” a massive hacking network is affecting 2,400 biz & govt systems…making govt computers about as efficient as they were prior to the hack.

The House has invited Toyota’s CEO to testify about auto recalls…roasting spit provided by GM, Chrysler, and Ford.

GM will invest $500 million in 3 facilities to produce the next generation Ecotec engine…now only if they’d invest in making cars that lasted well beyond 100,000 miles.

Southeast Iowa counties rank near the bottom in the state…too much butter on popcorn.

The Fed raised its estimates of US economic growth and unemployment…too bad the misery meter is stuck at 100%.

The White House has confirmed the capture of the Afghan Taliban’s leader in Pakistan…no word on whether Dick Cheney has a hard-on.

Iran says it will not give up enriching uranium at any price…especially at the prices Western oil companies charge Iran for black gold.

A GOP Senator’s renewable energy bill promotes nuclear energy and clean coal…sounds more like Republicans trying to promote Democrats’ nuclear meltdown.

LA County ranked 26th of the 56 CA counties surveyed…if your county’s air quality can’t beat LA’s, you live in a smokestack.

Please Rob Me exposes the dangers of geolocational social networking…while “Please Screw Me” helps social prostituting.

TLC and Jon Gosselin have settled lawsuits…now only if I could sue for the time lost catching a glimpse of an ad for Jon and Kate Plus Eight.

A new study finds Africans are more genetically diverse than Europeans or Asians…the cradle of civilization is made of exotic woods.

Burger King plans to raise the price of its $1 double cheeseburger to $1.19…probably need help paying for those creepy TV ads where the King pops out of nowhere.

Google is now including users’ MySpace status updates…look for discounts on T-shirts, porn star party invites, and vote for me pleas.

A survey finds 40% in the US lack broadband Internet service…and those people probably will never suffer ADD.

Airport security is now swabbing passengers to check for explosives…if TSA violates passengers’ privacy anymore, we’ll be porn stars.

Scientists say ancient Egypt’s teen king Tut was born of an incestuous marriage…so the pyramids are really trailers in parks.

More than 25% of American children have chronic health conditions like obesity or asthma…making them well on their way to becoming obscene phone callers.

Hawaii is the Happiest State according to a new national well-being poll…no wonder Obama smiles like the Cheshire Cat.

The GOP has accelerated attacks on the President’s performance on national security…they believe Cheney’s foaming at the mouth benefits them.

US housing starts rose in January to a higher level than anticipated…but housing finishes seem static…enjoy your foundation.

A new study finds breast cancer patients who take aspirin regularly may cut their risk of dying by 50%…and no longer can use headaches as an excuse to not have sex.

US industrial production rose more than forecast in January…call it a winter of widgets.

Toyota may recall Corollas…somewhere in Japan…someone is sharpening a sword.

Walgreen is buying Duane Reade…pharmacy buyouts are making the illegal drug trade seem like a garage sale.

Campbell Soup cut its 2010 sales forecast…proof of profit may be in the pudding…literally.

China is dumping more than $34 billion of US Treasury holdings…soon the US government will be shouting, “It’s my money and I need it now.”

Health insurer Humana is cutting 1,400 jobs…the US economy is having a FIRE sale…no jobs in Finance, Insurance, or Real Estate.

Britney Spears has unveiled a new ad campaign for Candie’s Only at Kohl’s…I miss the crazy Britney who could’ve done ads for Prozac.

Kevin Eubanks may be leaving The Tonight Show with Jay Leno…he must realize sequels are rarely any good.

Two new nuclear reactors are going to be built Georgia…where it’s hard to tell if people have already been exposed to radiation.

Hillary Clinton’s plane was grounded in Saudi Arabia…meanwhile Bill recuperates from heart surgery in NY…she’s not cut out for nursing.

The US may fine Toyota if it decides the car maker initiated recalls too slowly…easier to do that than have US car companies produce better products.

Toyota is temporarily suspending production at two US plants…and the sad thing is…GM, Chrysler, and Ford still lag behind.

Scientists say malaria most likely killed King Tut…so when you listen to Walk Like An Egyptian…you should cough…a lot…to be historically accurate.

Researchers find some prescription drugs smell fishy…based on the reported side effects, a lot of them seem fishy too.

Spammers are already targeting Google Buzz just days after it was launched…perhaps the buzz is among spammers more than general Buzz users.

Chynna Phillips entered rehab for anxiety over the weekend…so just Hold On (For One More Day).

Megan Fox reportedly worries she won’t be able to have kids…’cause she’s a man (maybe).

Coalition forces in Afghanistan are reportedly progressing “slowly but surely”…unlike the profits of the military-industrial complex which are piling up quickly and without question.

Liz Cheney accused the VP of downplaying the threat from Al Qaeda…’cause ramping up a winless war in Afghanistan is “weak.”

Iran says it’s considering a new proposal for nuclear fuel…or it could adopt the Austin Powers energy option which relies on liquid hot magma.

The EU says Greece should do more to cut the region’s largest budget deficit…like imposing a value added tax on movies starring Billy Zane (he’s of Greek descent).

Tiger Woods reportedly got his porn star mistress pregnant twice both times when his wife was pregnant too…making him either an idiot, arrogant, and/or obsessive-compulsive.

New research suggests a herpes drug might slow the progression of HIV…the only other time herpes helps is when you want to avoid hooking up with a crazy chick.

A British study finds young children who are regularly looked after by their grandparents have an increased risk of being overweight…blame that on grandma’s cookie jar.

Joe the Plumber says John McCain screwed up his life and McCain was trying to use him…shocking…a politician trying to use one of the “unwashed masses”.

Dick Cheney claims the Obama administration is failing to prepare for a terrorist assault…apparently its failed to prepare for another Cheney rant too.

The 1st stage of a major NATO offensive in Afghanistan has reportedly gone to plan…which is as detailed as a rough sketch.

The White House says it’s ready to listen to health care ideas from Republicans…who like Democrats need Miracle Ear to hear the American people reject both parties’ “plans.”

Hillary Clinton has warned Iran of ‘greater costs’ being imposed by the international community…and by “international” she means the US and Israel.

The CDC says the number of swine flu cases in the US has reached 57 million…but government generates figures using dart boards.

Chocolate may reduce the risk of stroke…my theory: chocolate leads to sex…and sex leads to heart health.

Researchers find obesity is often set before the age of 2…on the other hand perhaps some parents treat the terrible twos with Twinkies.

New research finds 10% of college students battle eating disorders…and 90% on campus meal programs have probably considered it.

Director Kevin Smith says he was ejected from plane after being deemed “too fat to fly”…sounds like a potential plot to a Clerks sequel.

Martin Scorsese plans to work with Robert De Niro on a new mobster flick…hard to believe that well still has water.

China has ushered in the year of the Tiger…while Tiger’s wife seems to be ushering out the years of Tiger.

James Cameron is reportedly writing a novel that will serve as prequel to Avatar…perhaps a pop-up book for that 3-D reading experience.

Toyota is considering increased incentives and an extended warranty program…which sounds like the Japanese company has been Americanized in all the wrong ways.

Ford will launch a new small car for its Mercury brand in early 2011…perhaps they’ll make it small enough to fit into the trunk of a Grand Marquis.

China is urging the US to cancel plans for the President to meet with the Dalai Lama…apparently they’ve never heard of Skype.

A Metro train derailed in DC…much like the country.

Ex-President Clinton is out of the hospital after heart surgery…you’ll know when he’s really feeling better after McDonald’s in Harlem runs out of Big Macs.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has reduced the jobs bill from $85 billion to just $15 billion…but only a politician could refer to $15 billion as “just.”

One of the highest paid health care lobbyists is resigning as president of the drug industry’s trade group…if only we could get the politicians to resign.

Angelina Jolie gave Brad Pitt an $18,500 tree for Valentine’s Day…money doesn’t grow on trees but apparently there’s money in trees.

Tiger Woods had a boat built especially for his wife…so if he messes around again…she can leave him on a deserted island.

The inventor of the Frisbee has died…but if indeed there is an afterlife I presume he’ll return.

Dennis Hopper’s wife has been ordered to stay at least 10 feet away from him…she doesn’t sound like an Easy Rider.

One of the trainers on NBC’s “The Biggest Loser” is being sued for endorsing a weight loss product that supposedly doesn’t work…she could back duct tape…that might work.

One of Tiger Woods’ alleged mistresses has landed a gig on TV’s ‘Extra…setting back the women’s lib movement at least 30 years.

A study finds boredom can kill…ironically excitement can too, especially if it involves no pants, crocodiles, and grape jam.

A study finds nearly half of women would not call 911 if they thought they were having a heart attack…’cause it just might be a long sought orgasm.

John Mayer used the N-word in a Playboy interview…some women think his body is a wonderland but his brain certainly isn’t.

NYC’s “Greenlight for Midtown” program bans vehicles on Broadway…but environmentally-sensitive hookers are still allowed.

Alec Baldwin was reportedly rushed to the hospital after his daughter called 911…’cause he’s an alien and that’s how he rolls.

Unemployment claims fell…but unlike the commercial they keep getting up.

The EU says it’s ready to help debt-laden Greece… with free Souvlaki.

NJ declared a “fiscal emergency,” to tackle one of the largest deficits among the states…time to start selling chemical waste.

A 15-year-old suspected of shooting an ice cream truck driver has been arrested…these kids take bomb pops seriously.

A Congressman who masterminded a covert effort to funnel billions of dollars in arms to Afghan rebels has died…anyone seen Bin Laden lately?

A union strike has caused problems in Greece…even lambs are eating bon bons.

Google aims to offer Internet access at speeds 100 times faster than those currently available…now if we could just get spam 100 times slower.

MySpace’s CEO is stepping down less than a year after taking the job…but Tom is still apparently there.

Scientists have identified genetic variations associated with stuttering…but still searching for empathy genes in those who make fun of stutters.

A study finds child obesity raises the risks of death at an early age…but some die fat and happy…pass the cake.

Researchers say children with an extra-sweet tooth may be at higher risk of future alcohol problems…so watch out if your little angel is trying to make chocolate pudding shots.

US foreclosures dropped last month but may prove only temporary…much like the shelters in which those who’ve lost their homes are now living.

The commercial real estate market has fallen more than 40% from early ’07…skyscrapers may soon become highway overpass scrapers.

Scientists have decoded an ancient man’s genes…which may hold the key to the origins of the game rock, paper, scissors.

John Mayer says sex with pop tart Jessica Simpson was “like crack cocaine”…the original lyrics to “Your Body Is A Wonderland.”

A man is suing the federal government after he was allegedly interrogated, handcuffed and detained for 5 hours at Philly’s airport…now we know what TSA stands for…Tough Sh*t Assh*le.

Next year, singer Celine Dion will return to Las Vegas for a 3-year run at Caesars Palace…where a daredevil may attempt to jump over her soaring vocals.

NBC is keeping The Ellen DeGeneres Show…Conan must be envious.

A study finds Silicon Valley may lose its competitive advantage to emerging US technology hotbeds…like Chinese hackers.

Gene Simmons: Family Jewels is returning for a 5th season…and so is Gene’s ego….which never goes on hiatus.

Iran arrested people preparing to disrupt rallies marking the ‘79 Islamic revolution…easy to identify the captured by their shiny gold burquas and platform sandals.

Sri Lanka police fired tear gas at protesters demanding the release of defeated presidential candidate…and all Al Gore had in his corner were hanging chads.

Michelle Obama went on Larry King’s show to discuss her campaign against obesity…and to answer tough questions like how does she keep her arms toned.

Lil’ Wayne shot 9 videos last weekend…at least those shootings didn’t involve bloodshed.

The 53-year-old captain of the Deadliest Catch boat has died of a stroke…making heart disease the deadliest catch.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders is being revised…perhaps they’ll include “coo coo for Coco Puffs.”

The Department of Health in Northern Ireland still has half a million unused swine flu vaccines…’cause in Ireland…whiskey does the trick.

The FDA plans to increase oversight of medical radiation…’cause it’s been so effective at keeping dangerous meds off the market…not.

The Fed Head is expected to testify before the House Financial Committee…Congress just loves song-and-dance routines.

Honda says it’ll recall another 440,000 cars around the world for faulty airbags…the world’s upside down…American cars are starting to look good.

NASA will attempt to launch its latest Sun probe…but first will prep the probe by rubbing tanning lotion on a rocket.

NASA’s chief says putting humans on Mars by the 2030s is viable…by that time that may be the only planet with a chance of having a good economy.

Tom Cruise will star in Mission Impossible 4: resurrecting Katie Holmes’ acting career.

Jay Leno has wrapped the Jay Leno Show…and much like New Coke…it’s never to be seen again.

MTV’s Jersey Shore will film Season 2 in South Beach…now that’s Miami’s real vice.