First Haiti, now Chili…earthquakes always rock the poor but never seem to hit terrorist training camps…Mother Nature is a bitch.

Rep Charlie Rangel’s wrist slap by the House ethics panel does not disqualify him from leading the tax committee…or the mob.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says she’s confident Democrats have enough votes to pass a health-care overhaul…prompting Republicans to don bibs to catch drool over November’s elections.

Nancy Pelosi is questioning whether the conservative “tea party” coalition represents a grass-roots movement…she should know she’s contributed to the fertilizer that helped grow it.

The President’s doctors hinted he still might be sneaking smokes…his healthcare overhaul ought to start by wearing the patch.

The EU seems to be moving to bailout Greece…or it’ll K-O the Euro.

Hamas commander Mahmoud al-Mabhouh, killed last month, faced two previous assassination attempts…in the terrorist game of Wack-A-Nut.

Toyota’s chief recently visited China to try to fix damage to the carmaker’s rep…the Chinese government must make the US government look like a student council.

A House panel claims Toyota withheld documents it was legally required to turn over…the US government is on a witch hunt but fails to realize witches don’t drive Corollas.

Pew Research defines the Millennial generation as socially liberal, technologically savvy and wildly optimistic…in other words Girls Gone Wild.

The Department of Defense granted military personnel access to Facebook and Twitter…let’s hope they don’t miss a terrorist attack because someone’s planting crops in Farmville.

Gatorade has officially severed its endorsement ties with Tiger Woods…and missed a golden opportunity to market their sports drink to sex addicts…few people need electrolytes as much as sex addicts.

Jay Leno has returned to the Tonight Show…it’s the second coming…of mediocrity.

State imposed mandatory health insurance in Massachusetts has prompted some people to work less in order to stay eligible for state-funded care…a perfect example of the insanity we call “government.”

A trade group says CT scanner makers would install safety controls to prevent patients from receiving excessive radiation…until then…enjoy that “healthy” glow.

The CDC says everybody, not just those at risk of complications, should get a yearly flu shot…I see the CDC’s mouth moving but I hear the voice of the vaccine makers.

The VP plans to unveil proposed new regulations aimed at helping protect workers’ retirement savings…sure to neither help nor protect the little people…but help and protect special interests.

NY’s Gov is seeking counsel from elected officials across the state about his political future…like asking wolves whether they should abandon the weakest one.

US economic growth accelerated to the strongest pace in over 6 years late in 2009…if you stand on your head in a stiff wind and squint at the numbers.

AIG posted a nearly $9 billion 4th-quarter loss…most spent on Band-Aids.

The President will launch a last-ditch bid to salvage his stalled health care overhaul at a TV summit…sure to devolve into an episode of Days of Our Lives.

Coca-Cola is buying its largest bottler…hold the Coke, cash makes shareholders smile.

Tiger Woods reportedly is addicted to painkillers and sleeping pills…after all that sex, he probably needs muscle relaxants too.

After suffering a mild heart attack, ex-VP Dick Cheney is out of the hospital…and much like moss on the north side of trees…always around.

A Silicon Valley start-up took the wraps off a fuel cell designed for homes and businesses…I sure hope to get one because my electricity bill imprisons me in a financial cell.

HJ Heinz’s fiscal 3rd-quarter earnings fell nearly 6%…profits must be pouring in like ketchup.

GM will reportedly close Hummer…guess now nearly everyone has a hard on for small cars.

NASA’s chief says the space agency aims to send astronauts to Mars…he must already be there if he thinks the US can afford that.

The House voted to strip health insurance companies of their exemption from federal antitrust laws…file this in the too little, too late bin.

The Afghan human rights commission reports NATO’s offensive has killed 28 civilians…it’s not a war on terror….war is the terror.

An Italian court convicted three Google employees over an offensive video…apparently the judge didn’t have enough wine.

Strikers in Greece are protesting austerity plans aimed at getting the country out of debt…no more breaking dishes at weddings.

Charlie Sheen has gone into rehab…unlike his acting career which went from Wall Street to Two-And-A-Half Men.

The American Academy of Pediatrics says to help prevent choking, hot dogs should come with a warning label…choking is almost better than what hot dogs could do to you over your lifetime.

Yahoo will soon provide Twitter results in searches…making strange remarks with # seem even more strange out of context.

Twitter is testing its Ad platform that might be launched in a few months…if only all ads were no more than 140 words…I might pay attention.

Sales of newly built single-family homes fell to a record low in January…apparently we’re running out of single families.

Hyundai will recall 47,000 new Sonata sedans to fix faulty door latches…or they could just say it’s a new anti-theft device.

Higher margins and lower costs helped JM Smucker push its fiscal 3rd quarter profit sharply higher…few things are as comforting as PBJ except for cash…lots and lots of cash.

ABC News plans to cut about 20% of its workforce, about 300 employees…if that trend continues…soon the cameraman…reporter…and anchor…will be the same person.

After splitting with Sony, Jennifer Lopez says she’s signed a new record label deal…sounds bootylicious.

The Senate OK’d a $15-billion bill that extends highway and mass-transit funding programs…bridges to nowhere and roads to everywhere…all lead to the poorhouse.

Congress (GM’s owner) is grilling Toyota…yet not one hearing on why it was necessary to bailout the builder of Buick.

The American Academy of Pediatrics says kids commonly choke on hot dogs…apparently parents lack knives…and common sense.

The first issue of Superman from Action Comics has sold for $1 million…Red, White, and Blue are once again bested by green.

Tiger Woods’ apology drew more viewers than the Winter Olympics and the war in Afghanistan combined…his sponsors should reconsider the Tiger biz.

Bristol Palin will appear on The Secret Life of the American Teenager…not all teen pregnancies lead to poverty…some lead to TV.

US consumer confidence plunged more than 10 points in February…it’s a new Olympic sport…the luge run to financial ruin.

Last year, Wall Street bonuses rose almost 17% to more than $20 billion…Uncle Sam is very generous with taxpayers’ money.

A stolen car was driven through the entrance to Luke Air Force Base in Arizona…making MPs look like mall security.

The Senate voted to advance a $15 billion job-creation package…to secure their jobs.

Wal-Mart is acquiring a Silicon Valley start-up that provides digital movies…sure to confuse some Wal-Mart shoppers who think 8-Trac is cutting edge.

Macy’s and Sears announced better-than expected earnings…apparently the rich and the poor are buying…I’m not so sure about the so-called “middle” class.

Tiger Woods and his wife have issued a letter of apology to the parents at the Florida school where their daughter goes…the Woods are just hoping to avoid show-and-tell.

Eating Disorders Awareness Week begins tonight…remember to wipe.

Afghanistan is condemning a NATO air strike that killed at least 27 civilians…all that technology yet innocents still die…we still haven’t learned our lesson.

IHOP is offering free pancakes on Tuesday…let’s hope someone’s offering free blood sugar screenings.

Scientists have unveiled a strategy aimed at ending AIDS/HIV in 40 years…sex Hazmat suits.

A new report says US investigators have pinpointed the author of the alleged cyber attacks on Google…must’ve required a basement to basement search.

The President is unveiling a plan requiring states to adopt new reading and math standards…No Child Left Behind II: from Bush III.

A report finds high blood pressure is “neglected”…given the amount of salt we eat…Americans do everything to raise their blood pressure.

The publishing industry is now producing textbooks professors can rewrite digitally…coming soon….report cards students can rewrite.

Tiger Woods reportedly is going to sex rehab in Scottsdale, Arizona…one way to end his addition might involve humping a cactus.

TMZ reports Charlie Sheen’s wife has left rehab because of a serious privacy breach…sounds like typical Hollywood PR.

A study finds young adults who slept for 90 minutes after lunch raised their learning power…and frustrated their parents by not going to bed on time.

Republicans are planning to meet with the President and congressional Democrats on Thursday to discuss health care…look for dogs and ponies to appear too.

Police in Dubai say some assassins involved in last month’s killing of a Hamas commander had entered the emirate carrying diplomatic passports…the true “license to kill.”

Austrialia is threatening Japan with court action over whale hunting…but given the state of the Japanese economy, they may soon need whale oil for light.

A study finds music helps stroke victims communicate…Mozart may allow stroke victims to communicate serenity while Motorhead may help stroke victims express road rage.

The actor who played “Boner” on the 80s hit TV show “Growing Pains” is reportedly missing…along with his acting career.

A Senate committee report says GlaxoSmithKline tried to conceal that its diabetes drug Avandia was linked to heart attacks…on the other hand when you’re dead…your blood sugar is never better.

Angelina Jolie and dad Jon Voight were photographed spending time with family in Venice…but I thought Angelina had pouty lips because she didn’t get along with her Dad.

NY Gov Paterson returned to his boyhood hometown to defiantly proclaim his candidacy for election…home may be where the heart is but I bet it’s where the cash is too.

California’s Republican Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is defending the President’s economic policies…Maria really did a job on Arnold…he sounds like a Kennedy.

Irked Facebook users reported having a “glitchy” day yesterday on the massive networking site…when you can’t pass fake drinks back and forth…it prompts people to…well…drink.

The President used his weekly radio address to call on Congress to move forward on health care legislation…like a radio DJ playing In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida for the 175th time.

Niger’s main opposition group called on the ruling military junta to set swift elections…that are sure to be rigged.

Fed Head Bernanke tells Congress higher rates are not imminent…inevitable…but not imminent.

Students at an elite Chinese university who won an international “Battle of the Brains” contest may have been behind the cyberattacks on Google…or potential new employees.

The sex hormone used in the first contraceptive pills is to be tested on patients with severe head injuries…presumably making them horny but unable to remember why.

A survey finds a significant number of people believe the Internet will make you smarter…if by smarter they mean better able to identify porn stars’ unmentionables.

Tiger Woods apologized for having extramarital affairs…now only if we would apologize for prompting weekend golfers to have unrealistic performance expectations.

Rapper Sky Blu says Mitt Romney used a “Vulcan grip” on him during a fiasco on an airplane…not exactly the stuff street cred is made of in the rap world.

Fewer borrowers fell behind on their mortgage payments during the last three months of 2009…but even Santa downsized to a smaller sled.

Consumer prices for the Denver area dropped 0.7% in the 2nd half of last year…but that Rocky Mountain high will still cost you at the slopes, chalets, and at the bongs.

Acquaintances saw no anger in pilot in IRS building crash…as experts have always said, “It’s the quiet ones you have to watch.”

The African Union has suspended Niger following Thursday’s military coup…Niger will now have to write 10,000 times, I’ll never allow a coup again.

The US is negotiating with Russia, Great Britain, France and Germany on sanctions against Iran it will later present to China…who already realizes the US is full of BS and will dump more US treasuries.

Hilary Duff is engaged to a hockey player…Hollywood is like a hockey match…a cold icy endeavor involving sharp blades, sticks, masks, and occasional outbursts of violence.

Actor Sean Penn is being charged with battery and vandalism for a scuffle with the paparazzi…but escapes prosecution for Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

20 banks have failed so far in 2010…banks are like illiterate high school drop outs…they keep failing…and they don’t care.

Simon Cowell says his replacement on American Idol must be good looking…so in other words…soul-less…just like him.

Deadliest Catch star Jake Harris was arrested on drunk driving and hit and run charges after crashing his car…that’s one way to bait a hook…with yourself.

Disney hopes to attract female Goths with its latest version of Alice In Wonderland…you’ll know the company has changed when Marilyn Manson shows up in It’s A Small World.

Lil Wayne has reportedly undergone eight root canals…now that’s worth some legit street cred…among the toothless.

William Shatner is set to play the well-intentioned curmudgeon in the production based on Justin Halpern’s Twitter account called “Stuff My Dad Says”…it’s official 20th century Hollywood is dead.

Researchers find dolphins can switch off diabetes…if they could only switch off that annoying high pitched voice.

49 states now have snow on the ground…somewhere Al Gore is eating crow…or fake crow…since he’s green with envy over real science.

An ex-porn star claims she gave up porn for Tiger Woods and he owes her an apology…she should be grateful he got her out of porn.

A 53-year-old software engineer crashed his small plane into an office building in Austin, Texas…it seems he control-alt-deleted himself.

Mitt Romney called the President first year on the job “a lost year for America”…for the GOP too.

The UN’s nuclear watchdog group says Iran appears to have recently pursued secret research projects…like getting the US to overextend itself on war again.

China condemned the President’s meeting with the Dalai Lama…they’ve already condemned America by dumping US Treasuries.

PayPal and Facebook will team up to offer an online payments system for virtual goods…like buying milk from cows in Farmville?

The Obama administration criticized health insurers for hiking rates while making billions of dollars in profits…which is exactly what
government does.

Ex-NYC Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik got four years in prison on federal tax fraud and corruption charges…the thin blue line just got a bit thinner.

Black farmers who were discriminated against by the US Ag Dept will receive $1.25 billion in a settlement…that’s a lot of cabbage!

A 45-year-old businessman and Tea Party organizer from Long Island is now a member of the NYS Assembly…which seems to bleed anti-government sentiment out of anyone and everyone who ever enters those “hallowed” halls.

A Navy helicopter was forced to land in a remote area of southeastern West Virginia…the whole state is remote.

Niger’s capital is calm the day after a military coup…proving governments change…very little.

The NY Times has published a long unfavorable look at NY’s Governor…if only they’d so the same to every politician in the state.

The Fed unexpectedly raised its discount rate for the 1st time in more than 3 years…Bernanke must’ve gotten some discount on mops.

President of the Federal Reserve Bank of NY says the US economy is recovering from the recession…if barely crawling along the ground is considered recovery.

Simon Cowell says gossip blogger Perez Hilton would make a good replacement for him on American Idol…better yet…an empty chair.

A blood test based on the DNA of tumors to tailor treatment for cancer patients has been developed…if medicine gets any more personal…we’ll be monitored from the inside out.

Parents in the US have accused a school of spying on children by remotely activating webcams on laptops…must be the lab in civil liberties for social studies.

Taxi drivers walked off the job for 24 hours in the latest protest against the Greek government…at least you can still hail a lamb.

A judge praised singer Chris Brown’s progress at a probation hearing…at least the judge still has a singing career.

Filmmaker James Cameron says Fox wanted to remove its “tree hugging crap”…and has no sense of irony that its channel is named after a woodland creature.

JK Rowling is being sued for allegedly stealing ideas for her Harry Potter books…sounds like accusations made by a Muggle.