A 43-year-old gunman killed 5 people then himself at a shopping mall in Finland…even in Europe shoppers are tough.

Egypt has allowed 84 pro-Palestinian foreign activists to march to Gaza…but no float.

The number of US soldiers killed in Afghanistan doubled in 2009…yet Obama the “peace” president keeps sending more into the meat grinder.

A recently deceased Indonesian ex-president is being praised for his efforts to promote democracy…if only ex-US President’s did the same instead of promoting empire.

The UK is playing down a report that claims Iran masterminded a British man’s abduction…but still playing up that rogue nuke nation pre-war scam.

US jobless claims dropped to their lowest level since 2008…which means unemployment still sucks.

US mortgage rates hit the highest level since August…no one has money and now it costs more to borrow it…Happy New Year.

Rush Limbaugh has been admitted to a Honolulu hospital for chest pains…must be a vast left-wing conspiracy or a sausage.

Brook Mueller claims her husband Charlie Sheen threatened her with a switch blade…a souvenir from Platoon?

After a botched attack board an airliner, the President blamed “human and systemic failures”…a catchy song government loves to croon.

Shares of makers of airport security screeners rose for a 3rd straight day…and presumably shares of makers of non-see-thru panties.

Yemen says it can carry out air strikes against al Qaeda militants…and probably would be more than happy to take some American cash to do so.

Hillary Clinton took the title of most admired woman…except by Bill.

An American trade panel approved duties of 10 to 16% on Chinese-made steel pipe…which they must be smokin’ if they think that’s a good idea.

Charlie Sheen’s wife has hired OJ Simpson’s lawyer…wonder if Sheen wears gloves?

Jon Gosselin and Hailey Glassman are still flinging accusations at each other…presumably in hopes the media will fling money at them.

Tiger’s wife is rumored to have smacked him with a golf club after discovering text messages from one of his mistresses…apparently she didn’t hit his hands.

The moon is supposed to be blue this New Year’s Eve…but not in America where millions pop anti-depressants so it’ll appear anti-red.

Karl Rove is now divorced…unfortunately not from Fox.

Cops say a man in Florida called 911 hoping for a free ride to a bar…he called the right people…cops drink like fishes.

Russia’s space agency expects an asteroid to hit Earth in 2036…so the end of the world has been postponed from 2012.

A guide to breaking cell phone security has been posted online…and presumably a video tutorial.

The CIA reportedly failed to share a report about the Nigerian accused of trying to blowup an airliner… the top dogs must’ve eaten it.

A failed terrorist attack on a packed airliner has renewed concerns about a lack of stable leadership at TSA…on the other hand no chief makes the indians more self-reliant.

The President declared “no information may remain classified indefinitely”…’cause government will destroy it before it sees the light of day.

A source close to Charlie Sheen’s wife reportedly says the couple’s future is up in the air…like TV pilots.

Researchers say Ginkgo biloba does not appear to slow the rate of cognitive decline in healthy older people…but it is fun to say and if you can remember to take it then perhaps the placebo effect is just as beneficial.

Yemen says as many as 300 al Qaeda militants may be there…what happens in Yemen doesn’t stay in Yemen.

A new American is born every 14 seconds…and to think we have time to work.

Nokia claims most Apple products violate its patents…perhaps it meant to say profits.

Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner have split…now you know why teen girls are crying…today.

Brooke Mueller reportedly claims Charlie Sheen threatened to have her killed…he’s the half man in Two And A Half Men.

An ABC News anchor is engaged to the Office of Management and Budget Director…further cementing the government media-complex.

Analysts say new rules about passengers’ laps could hurt airline business…and the mile high club.

The Nigerian man accused of trying to blow up an airliner reportedly wrote about loneliness…must be tough…just him and his bomb.

Iran is accusing the UK of meddling in Iranian affairs…it’s what the West does second best, after war.

China wants the UK to stop condemning a British citizen’s execution…time for woks at 10 paces.

Russia’s PM says US plans for a missile defense shield are holding up a new nuclear treaty…Star Wars 2: The Return of Reagan.

Activists trying to go to Gaza say they’ve been harshly treated by Egyptian authorities…must be the new Middle Eastern Unwelcome Wagon.

Analysts say there’s a growing Al Qaeda threat in Yemen…now the next US President has his new war locale.

Home prices reportedly flattened in October…like Americans’ incomes.

Hollywood observers say Charlie Sheen’s arrest is not likely to affect his career…if you call lame TV sitcom acting a career.

The maker of Tylenol Arthritis Pain Caplet 100-count bottles says it’s recalling the product for a “moldy, musty, or mildew-like odor”…goodbye headache, hello nausea.

A look back over the past decade reveals stocks have been among the worst investments…like losing at a casino without free drinks.

Consumer confidence rose for a 2nd straight month…along with booze sales…easy to feel confident when we’re half in the bag…even if it’s a paper one.

Kourtney Kardashian is finally showing off her little baby boy…a role for which her boyfriend qualifies.

Hailey Glassman’s lawyer says the 22-year-old took her TV from the apartment she shared with Jon Gosselin…like taking a mirror from the vain.

Van Morrison is a father again at the age of 64….forget Brown Eyed Girl…more like Grey Haired Dad.

Bridges To Everywhere Span The Sorry Lot of Socialized Roads

The 80-year-old Lake Champlain Bridge in Crown Point, New York was taken down today (Monday, December 28, 2009). At 80, you might call it a mercy killing. If only we could convince federal and state governments to take all roads off socialized life support, our infrastructure would lead the world in efficiency and safety.

Taking down a decades-old bridge seems like an innocuous event unworthy of outrage or protest until you realize the bridge was closed in mid-October. It took more than two months before it was demolished and it will take at least another year or two before it opens. It reportedly “could” be open to traffic by summer 2011.

While reading about the bridge demolition, the privatization of roads arguments put forth by Walter Block, Bart Frazier, Manuel Lora, Anthony Gregory, Nathan McKaskle, and others published at www.lewrockwell.com came rushing to the forefront of my mind.

I’m virtually certain they would point to the time it took from the bridge’s closing to the span’s demolition as well as the length of time the state estimates it will take to build a new bridge as further evidence of the complete failure of socialized roads.

While I’m no engineer, I suspect were this a private bridge, the old bridge would’ve been replaced long ago more quickly and more cheaply than the millions it will likely cost for the state to handle the same project. And I’m sure if a private bridge had to be closed unexpectedly for repairs and/or replacement, two or more new private bridges and/or alternative routes would’ve appeared virtually overnight.

Bridges to nowhere generate outrage at earmarks but the country’s socialized roads rarely pique the mainstream media’s attention with a few notable exceptions. Politicians score points by pointing out bridges to nowhere highlight government waste meanwhile they ignore bridges to everywhere that ultimately showcase government theft and inefficiency.

Perhaps the federal stimulus package should include an Evel Knievel type sky-cycle device for jumping Lake Champlain the same way the daredevil attempted to leap Snake River Canyon. And since Saab seems to be one of those GM brands in limbo, perhaps the government could tap the Swedish car maker to build eco-friendly sky-cycles. Call it a two-for-one stimulus smorgasbord.

The West has condemned Iran’s crackdown on anti-government protests…as too heavy-handed since the West simply smears anti-government “radicals” as “terrorists.”

Homeland Security admitted security failed in the thwarted bombing of an airliner…it must’ve been too busy working on its terrorist alert color chart.

Reports say the man who recently tried to blow up a jet over Detroit is one of many terrorists trained by al-Qaeda in Yemen…it’s the real Clone Wars.

Several Congressional Democrats are retiring ahead of next year’s elections…if only all politicians were retiring…the country would be better off.

The 80-year-old Lake Champlain bridge has been taken down…although at that age it sounds more like a mercy demolition.

Major crime in NYC declined for the 19th consecutive year…excluding what politicians steal legally.

AT & T has reportedly stopped some sales of iPhones in NYC…making some potential customers blue just like that AT & T versus Verizon map ad campaign.

A photo originally claimed to be of President Kennedy on a boat with nude women…we know it’s definitely not Teddy since those babes would’ve been in the water.

Tyra Banks is ending her talk show after 5 seasons…The Soup must’ve finally gotten to her.

A LA company is renting Christmas trees…hope they’re treated better than rental cars otherwise you might get Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree.

Anti-government protests turned deadly in Tehran…making America’s health care debate seem like a schoolyard shoving match.

Investigators say a Nigerian man who tried to blow up a Detroit-bound airliner has ties to Al Qaeda in Yemen…it’s a new board game…around the world in 80 bombs.

Federal officials are tightening airport security…passengers may have to search each others’ cavities if they ever want to get anywhere again quickly.

Hamas loyalists marked the 1-year anniversary of Israel’s war against Gaza’s Islamic militant rulers but many stayed home…even in the Middle East…balls remain shelved…sometimes.

Iraqi bombs killed 6 Pilgrims as Shiite Muslims celebrated the festival of Ashoura…or as some like to call it assure of mass destruction.

A British politician leading a convoy of medical and food supplies destined for Gaza has asked Egypt to allow the group through…might have an easier time threading an eye of a needle.

Analysts are predicting stocks to finish the year up…just like your spirit until the holiday bills arrive in your mailbox.

The Kindle is Amazon’s most gifted item ever…sounds like the reader’s”personal massager.”

Ivana Trump had to be physically removed by the cops from an airplane…sounds like she needs an apprentice to keep her out of trouble.

The deadline to make changes to Medicare drug plans is December 31…hope participants’ received new bifocals for Christmas…with 72 million options…vision could get real blurry.

The UAE awarded a South Korean consortium a prized $20 billion deal to build nuclear reactors…and yet the US is still after oil…hard to teach an old dog new tricks.

More than 2 billion iPhone Apps have been downloaded…making Apple the McDonald’s of the tech world.

A nearly $130 million winning Powerball lottery ticket was sold in Kentucky…$130 million buys a lot of tobacco sheds.

San Francisco may require retailers to post the amount of radiation emitted by cell phones…now only if government was required to post the list of liberties on which its encroached.

KISS bassist and reality TV star Gene Simmons is being sued for assault…but not for obnoxiousness.

A Nigerian man is charged with trying to blow up a US airliner…if only terrorists were obsessed with airplane glue…they’d be too high to do anything.

Human Rights Watch accused Israel and Hamas of human rights violations…it takes balls to piss off 2 armed groups.

5 years after a tsunami struck the Asia Pacific region, aid agencies say early warning systems are in place…for daredevil surfers.

Israeli troops shot dead 6 Palestinians…Middle East ceasefires last as long as the virginity of girls on Jersey Shore.

A broken water pipe flooded part of the terminal at Reagan National Airport…it’s the new Gipper flume ride.

Bernie Madoff is now housed in a prison’s low-security medical center…he better not try to scam inmates.

The Obama administration will cover the losses of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac…making them as stable as Nick Cage’s hairline.

Charlie Sheen is facing domestic violence charges…instead of ones for bad acting.

An Oklahoma company is recalling 248,000 lbs of beef after illnesses involving E. coli…so much for the old days when burgers came with fries.

Senator Al Franken reportedly is the anti-Stuart Smalley…cause he ain’t good enough, smart enough, nor do people like him.

Jon Gosselin’s NYC apartment was “ransacked”…then again he has 8 kids.

Angelina Jolie says fidelity is not required for her and Brad Pitt to have a happy home life…millions of dollars must help.

A 2nd human skull was discovered in the Angeles National Forest…hope it’s a misplaced movie prop.

Researchers say a new dangerous drug resistant bacteria is on the rise in US hospitals…medical bankruptcy.

Researchers find acetaminophen eases the pain of social rejection…perhaps it gets rid of headaches making one-night stands enjoyable.

US Health and Human Services says moderation is the key to healthy holiday eating…avoid replacing the food pyramid with rock candy mountain.

A new survey finds Wisconsin teens are buckling up more…cheese makes it necessary.

The Senate passed the health care bill…to you, me, and every other American.

Secretary of State Clinton says she’s “thrilled” a Brazilian boy has been reunited with his American father…unlike her feelings when she’s “reunited” with Bill.

Texas is the nation’s fastest-growing state…so get ready for Urban Cowboy 2.

A hostage standoff at a Virginia PO ended when an armed, disabled man wheeled himself out…proving we should treat the handicapped the same as everyone else.

Violence spiked in Iraq in advance of a Shiite religious festival…hope Santa has peace in his sack.

Georgia agreed to open a mountain pass on the border with Russia…now the world awaits the opening of the border between Georgia and Alabama.

Investigators say a Denver grandmother who took her own life gave her 3-year-old grandson a marijuana cookie…sure beats a binky.

US mortgage rates rose for a 3rd consecutive week…the American (day) dream is leaving more sleep in our eyes as we gaze at higher bills.

A new study shows people with Alzheimer’s disease maybe at reduced risk of developing cancer…and if they develop it, they likely won’t remember it.

NORAD is tracking Santa…who, given the 2 wars we’re waging, may leave NORAD off his nice list.

Tiger Woods’ wife reportedly wants a divorce, sole custody of their kids, and half his $671 million fortune…he gets to keep his d*ck.

Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins have split…no word on who gets to keep Sarandon’s tits.

Amy Winehouse has reportedly been charged in connection with an assault at a theater…she may have a career in MMA.

A new study suggests sun, smoking, and fat cause wrinkles…but if you stay inside, don’t smoke, and stay thin…you’ll look like a young…vampire.