America’s European allies are unlikely to send as many troops as the President wants to Afghanistan…’cause they’ve already destroyed their empires.

Tiger Woods has withdrawn from this week’s Chevron World Challenge…so he can train to become a member of the Joey Chitwood Thrill Team.

An alleged Nazi guard is on trial in Germany…like trying a KKK member in Mississippi.

Cyber Monday sales are up 16%…along with Google searches for a definition of Cyber Monday.

David Hasselhoff’s ex-wife has been arrested on a DUI charge…no wonder the marriage didn’t last apparently all they had in common was drinking.

The US will host a global AIDS conference in 2012…must be part of a ribbon manufacturers’ stimulus package.

US swine flu cases have charted a steep drop…unlike the hysteria about it.

A large Hadron collider has broken an energy record…previously set by a crack head on a 72-hour binge.

Alec Baldwin says he’s lost interest in acting…but apparently has maintained a healthy interest in eating.

Oprah plans to visit the White House for a TV special…and so Obama can meet the country’s boss.

The country’s first marijuana growing class has begun…every student will be late.

Serena Williams was fined a record $82,500 for her US Open tirade…maybe she’s the daughter of John McEnroe.

A Swiss ban on minarets has sparked anger…meanwhile there’s nearly 0 rage at the Swiss for cooperating w/the IRS.

The UK is expected to confirm extra troops for Afghanistan…while singing to American diplomats “anything you can do, we can do worse.”

Iran vows to expand its nuclear program…good news for American/Israeli arms makers.

Abu Dhabi’s stock index fell the most in at least 8 years…you know the world economy is in trouble when the Middle East is running out of money.

Business activity in the US unexpectedly accelerated in November…like a seasoned driver hitting 35 mph on the highway.

Tiger Woods reportedly blamed his wife for “ruining Thanksgiving”…so maybe the golf club window smash was not to help rescue him.

Chelsea Clinton is engaged to her longtime boyfriend who’s a spokesman for ex-Prez Clinton…he never heard the expression…never crap where you eat.

A porn store app is now available on android phones…giving new meaning to the term “phone sex”…more like sex with your phone.

Authorities say an oil and gas pipeline in Alaska spilled hydrocarbons…that’s an easy way to hunt moose…pick ‘em up after they pass out from the fumes.

NY’s Gov aims to cut the budget $1.6 billion…start by selling the Gov’s mansion…put ‘em up at Motel 6.

A German tourist is accused of making a bomb threat at Walt Disney World…could be a new ride…It’s a Small (Dangerous) World.

A trio of federal court judges will take the stand in the trial of a NJ shock jock…ironically providing more fodder for morning radio.

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The UAE has offered Dubai banks emergency support…I’m betting punishment for not paying back that bailout might result in the loss of a money-counting hand.

India’s chief climate change negotiator has rejected emission reduction targets…no solar panels or wind turbines on the roof of the Taj Mahal.

Swiss voters have OK’d a ban on minarets…all but ensuring a network of “virtual” minarets…collapsible mobile call-to-prayer towers…new for Ramadan.

Iran plans to build 10 more nuclear plants…so that means at least 100,000 more Israeli tactical nuclear warheads.

Americans reportedly spent less over Black Friday than a year ago…Black Friday is more like slightly grey.

Tiger Woods is still not talking to Florida cops about the crash…I smell a made-for-TV movie starring Alfonso Ribeiro.

Sen Bernie Sanders says he will not vote to reconfirm Ben Bernanke as chair of the Fed…Sanders has apparently forgotten he’s not the wagger in this dog-and-tail show.

Security at a Wal-Mart on Long Island where a stampede occurred last year was tighter than the White House proving Wal-Mart runs the world.

In advance of the LA auto show, US automakers are getting ready to sell better smaller cars…coming soon to a showroom near you…the Ant.

Police in New Hampshire are investigating the theft of a red Salvation Army donation kettle…no one heard the change clanging around?

Chris Brown will be interviewed on 20/20…we’re still waiting for a real life version of Celebrity Death Match pitting Brown against Michael Vick.

Roman Polanski will go under house arrest in a luxury chalet with a view of the Alps…where he plans to remake the Sound of Music starring teen girls.

David Hasselhoff is reportedly under involuntary psychiatric hold…he must’ve seen too many reruns of Knight Rider and Baywatch.

Levi Johnston, father of ex-Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin’s grandson, is interested in being on “Dancing with the Stars” or its new spin off Dancing with the Desperate-To- Become-Famous.

A new health report finds the cost of treating the diabetes will triple…just buying lockable cookie jars is expensive.

A study finds unneeded procedures inflate health care costs…like a wallet tuck.

NYC’s Mayor spent $175 per vote to get re-elected…so he can head a city that will take thousands in taxes from each voter…good bet.

Pakistan’s president has handed control of his country’s nuclear arsenal to his PM…now that’s trust compared to America where even the slightly rich sign pre-nups.

Dubai’s debt debacle has some investors fearing government default by heavily indebted nations…Dubai is a mere wave; the US is a debt tsunami, hang on to your boogie board.

Experts say swine flu mutations are no reason to panic…we already have plenty of panic; more answers would be nice; along w/a face mask, disinfectant, and a lozenge.

China seems unlikely to curb emissions more unless wealthy countries foot the bill…seems like a perfect place to park those (near worthless) dollar reserves.

The Fed head is concerned congressional financial reform could weaken the central bank…so far all Congress has done is throw a few pebbles at Goliath.

Anti-capitalist protesters smashed windows and set cars on fire while demonstrating against the WTO…ironically creating more jobs for repairmen.

Police in Colorado are searching for a person accused of trying to attach a chain to an ATM and pulling it away with a U-Haul truck…now that truly is mobile banking.

Bank of America reportedly amended the salaries of 2 senior executives after a review by the White House pay czar…one less silk scarf in the Christmas stocking.

A study finds despite sun, currents and wind, renewable energy is underused in Florida…and they should get seniors running on treadmills too.

The UN nuclear watchdog has censured Iran…it will have to stand in the corner and say, “I will not pursue a nuclear program” 1,000 times.

Germany’s Labour Minister has resigned amid allegations of a cover-up of a deadly NATO air strike in Afghanistan…sounds like he has a conscience…unlike the rest of government.

The EC’s president proposed a Spanish Socialist to be the body’s new antitrust chief…perhaps monopolies will be forced to get together to sing Kumbaya.

The UK’s Gordon Brown has proposed a global fund to kick start the Copenhagen climate change process…coming soon to a mailbox near you…Copenhagen carbon “donation” drive.

A West Virginia couple has donated the White House Christmas tree for a fourth time…all 4 trees were cousins.

Diabetes is expected to double in the next 25 years…along with the waistlines of most Americans…look for the Toga to come back into style.

A Virginia couple crashed a White House state dinner for the Indian PM…they must lack good Indian takeout in VA.

Investors welcomed new China & US climate targets…they know it’s one more casino in which they can gamble.

3 leading scientists have released a report documenting the accelerating pace of climate change…presumably the political climate starting to shift toward sanity.

Indian police showed off their upgraded equipment as they paraded through Mumbai…new sneakers to run away from deadly blasts.

The UN is calling on the international community to make greater efforts to end violence against women…including the elimination of Boxing Day.

Experts say Americans’ daily lives won’t change if the President slashes CO2 pollution by 1/6th next decade…we’ll still be poor, out-of-work, and unable to afford gas.

European banks face potential losses of $40 billion in exposure to Dubai…and you thought oil was the only way Arabs made money.

The London Stock Exchange resumed trading after 3-hours of technical problems…like wondering whether they still have anything valuable left to trade.

The US dollar plunged to a 14-year low against the yen in Asia…China is the new America, the U.S. is the new Zimbabwe, while Russia is the new…Russia.

Swiss authorities say they will not appeal a ruling granting bail to film director Roman Polanski…they want him out of their country too.

CBS’s The Early Show added Adam Lambert to its Wednesday program…CBS is going after that senior gay viewer segment.

A top Russian space official says there is no space for tourists wishing to fly to the International Space Station…he just doesn’t want obnoxious American tourists snapping photos, demanding room service, and leaving the place in a shambles.

Federal health officials have linked the swine flu epidemic to a sharp rise in the number of severe bacterial infections…swine flu is the new catchall bad guy…like “not me” when a child does something wrong.

Muslim pilgrims held white umbrellas during the annual hajj…like thousands of Michael Jacksons.

A 6th person has tested positive for a Tamiflu-resistant strain of swine flu…while the media has tested positive for mass hysteria.

The President has pledged to cut greenhouse gas emissions in the US…by wrecking the economy.

The President will make Afghan war plans known during an address from West Point…but the West still doesn’t get the point — stop war making.

Israel intends to halt new West Bank construction for 10 months…home improvement chains must’ve run out of lumber.

Millions of Americans are opting to drive or take trains and buses instead of flying this Thanksgiving…things are so bad some are going by pony.

US mortgage rates sank to or near record lows…unfortunately along with jobs, incomes, and dreams.

The Pentagon reports its helped 80 countries deal with AIDS…by bombing them.

Shuttle Atlantis is headed home after an astronauts’ wife gave birth to a baby girl…she’ll probably never have to hear…’wait ‘till your father gets home.

GMA could’ve let Adam Lambert perform…titling the segment Morning Wood.

The President says he intends to “finish the job” in Afghanistan…U.S. troops & Afghan civilians can finally agree…this job should be left unfinished.

Investigators say a census worker killed himself but tried to make the death look like a homicide…he should’ve known better…call the CIA for help.

Sarah Palin’s book tour made a stop at a Florida retirement community where they’re so tired of canasta, they’ll read anything.

The President plans to visit India next year…so he can see how a successful economy works.

An ex-top British intelligence officer says secret Iraq war talks began in 2001…making it nearly the worst kept secret in the world.

The FDIC says banks’ past-due loans are the highest in 26 years…maybe banks’ usefulness is finally past due.

Scientists say global warming could raise sea levels by up to 2 meters by 2100…then again maybe global warming will wear off like Viagra.

The so-called Godfather of Spam was sentenced to 4 years in prison…where he’ll have to trade ads about penis enhancers with criminals who want his penis.

Celebrity chef Paula Deen was accidentally hit by a charity ham…surprisingly it wasn’t a stray bar of butter.

Lady Gaga threw her fans a pizza party…where they got to see her manga face.

A new study finds children whose moms smoked during pregnancy have a higher risk of developing ADHD…and a taste for bus fumes.

The mother of a teen boy missing in NYC for 11 days says her son spent the time in the subways…or as some call it…the homeless hostel.

A new study finds abnormal cholesterol levels can significantly increase the risk of heart failure…enjoy your cheese, eggs, and ham.

US Santas reportedly want swine flu vaccine…Rudolph’s nose should glow red from his special powers not the pig virus.

The US reportedly will send more troops to Afghanistan…defense contractors are getting an early Christmas gift.

The President is welcoming Indian’s PM to the White House…which now smells of curry.

The UK has opened a wide-ranging Iraq War inquiry…vaudeville has returned.

Iran seeks guarantees on a nuclear deal…the US and Israel have crossed so many fingers…they have webbed hands.

The EU is welcoming a US pledge to set a global warming emissions target…painted on the back of US taxpayers.

GM’s Saab deal has fallen through…apparently even a Swedish sports car maker can’t figure out how to make egg-shaped autos sexy & sell.

Home prices have climbed for the 2nd straight quarter…like a fat hiker up a mountain.

The FDIC insurance fund is now in the red…moral hazard is the hot gift this holiday.

Adam Lambert says he “went with the spirit” during his controversial AMA performance…apparently he wanted to deck some balls.

A small patch of swine flu vaccine has been pulled from shelves in Canada…where it’s so cold you’d think the weather would kill any virus.

The UN reports the rate of global AIDS infection has decreased…pissing off ribbon makers everywhere.

A court ruling will allow NY State to seize land for a new NJ Nets arena…might as well put a gun to New Yorkers heads to make them attend games too.

Notre Dame’s QB reportedly was punched by a fan outside a restaurant…sounds more like the Fighting Fans rather than the Fighting Irish.

A large Hadron collider has produced its first collisions…it’s atomic porn.

Ex-CNN anchor Lou Dobbs is reportedly considering running for president…he can’t count on the Hispanic vote.

NY’s Gov asked lawmakers to cut the budget or give him the authority to do it…and he wants a scepter.