The chief challenger to the Afghan President has decided to withdraw from a runoff election…he’s apparently elected to run off.

Drug companies are now increasing production of swine flu vaccine…there goes the stock market…ever upward.

Dennis Hopper has been diagnosed with prostate cancer…from Easyrider to Hardpisser.

A CDC survey finds Americans lack sleep…up late watching too many mattress ads.

A new study finds diet and exercise can keep diabetes at bay for a decade…unless that bay is made of chocolate.

NY’s Governor expects to sign a same-sex marriage bill into law…NY is going pink because it wants green…money.

Someone was apparently stalking Ryan Seacrest…for hair care tips.

The White House has released a 6-month log of visitors…it has yet to hear of the Internet where it could release a daily log.

The US government has opened a new $9 million cyber security center…that noise you heard is the final nail going into the coffin of personal privacy.

The Prez claims federal stimulus has saved or created 650,000 jobs…for investigators trying to figure out where the money went.

Pakistani troops fighting militants have seized passports…for which there are no need when visiting caves.

The British PM has hailed a “breakthrough” in climate talks…that must mean the West can continue to pollute.

Iran has yet to give a formal response to a UN-drafted nuclear fuel proposal…but has given an informal proposal…silence.

The de facto Honduran government has agreed to a deal that may allow the ousted President to return to power…as dog catcher.

A British woman being held by Somali pirates describes them as “very hospitable”…she must’ve been conked on the head with a peg leg.

Spending by US consumers fell in September for the first time in 5 months…some of us are trying to save like squirrels storing nuts for winter.

OSHA has announced the largest fine in its history…some fed must really want to be employee of the month.

The WHO has launched a program to give swine flu vaccines to nearly 100 developing countries…’cause the developed countries aren’t buying the sales pitch.

The President says his administration is lifting an immigration ban on persons w/HIV/AIDS…it’s a new govt program to stimulate sales of condoms.

3 or more UN employees were killed in an attack in Kabul…in Las Vegas a predator drone pilot is ordering more coffee.

Pieces of San Francisco’s Bay Bridge snapped…The Bay City may need a new iconic symbol…the Transamerica pyramid, the warf, or Dirty Harry.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has presented a health-care bill w/a government insurance plan…only more surprising than the sun rising in the east.

Secretary of State Clinton is expected in Israel for her 3rd visit…she’s at the Wailing Wall wondering why she’s not president.

Tehran will ask for ‘important adjustments’ to the West’s nuclear proposal…like free coffee and a t-shirt… I won’t nuke.

The Obama administration has awarded Florida Power & Light a grant to put smart meters in homes…your smart meter used to be a grandmother or mother telling you to turn off those lights.

Kate Gosselin said she doesn’t want to get married again but she dreads being alone….that couldn’t possibly be a problem with 8 kids.

Hulk Hogan is returning to wrestling…with tights.

Researchers say children and teens on drugs for severe psychiatric problems gain weight and increase bad cholesterol…while many “normal” adults do it with booze, red meat, and cake.

US foreclosures set a record in the 3rd quarter…we’re tops at being bottoms.

Draft legislation would require banks and hedge funds to pay to rescue companies whose collapse would threaten the financial system…like putting a Band-Aid on a broken arm.

Top senators overseeing the national response to swine flu are questioning the govt…if only they’d help inoculate us against government intrusion.

Fox News says the feud between it and the White House is “tremendous fodder for us”…and disinformation for the rest of U.S.

Jury selection is slated to begin in the trial of the first of 12 male members of a Texas polygamist sect…12 envious men.

Sen. Barbara Boxer has released a 923-page climate change and energy bill…which, if burned, would increase global warming, 10 fold.

The American Bankers Association is defending its membership against demonstrators…it must feel like Custer’s last stand…to the demonstrators.

The President will announce the largest investment of economic stimulus funds in clean energy during a visit to Florida…dolphin shit.

Verizon Communications reported a 30% decline in 3rd-quarter profit…something it doesn’t want to hear…on a phone or otherwise.

At least 147 people have been killed in a bombing in Iraq…living there must feel like Groundhog Day.

Afghanistan’s President has questioned the reliability of the US as a partner…America makes fair weather friends look good.

Democratic officials say businesses would not be required to provide health insurance under proposed legislation…pay no attention to that pressure on your arm.

Japan and Australia have outlined competing visions for an East Asian trade bloc…one involving rice; the other kangaroos, as currency.

Pakistan’s army fought more intense clashes with the Taliban…Battleship without batteries.

The VP plans to visit a closed GM plant…just like government…a day late…and a dollar short.

Existing-home sales climbed nearly 10% in September to their highest level in more than 2 years…no one can afford to furnish them but they’re buying anyway.

Michael Jackson fans attempted to break the Guinness world record for the most people dancing to “Thriller” at the same time…next challenge…simultaneous nose jobs.

The chief medical officer of the American Cancer Society addressed over screening for breast and prostate cancer…its the old tits-and-dick speech.

The chief lobbyist for the US Chamber of Commerce complained about a White House campaign of “invectives” and “name calling”…which in some parts of the world is commerce.

Global warming activists say the number the world needs to reach to prevent disastrous climate change is 350. And the number activists needed to stop caring about climate change is 420.

UN inspectors are due to visit a previously secret Iranian nuclear facility…which was secret only to the general public but not the 4,000 US intelligence agencies.

The Taliban has called on Afghans to boycott next month’s presidential election run-off…now that’s democracy.

East Asian countries are conducting a feasibility study for a huge free trade zone…and we call that zone China.

The Pakistani army has recaptured the home town of the country’s Taliban chief…and stolen its mascot.

The President called small businesses the “engine” of the US economy…too bad government keeps pouring sand in its gas tank.

Bank of America and government regulators are reportedly arguing over how much additional capital the bank must raise…knowing the government, it probably wants less than what the bank should have.

Google’s co-founder says he’s disappointed with how long its to develop a Macintosh version of its Chrome browser…and Apple a day sometimes leads to delays.

An attorney for the father of “Balloon Boy” says the mother’s confession she and her husband faked their son’s disappearance should not have been made public…meanwhile screenwriters are cheering that tidbit.

Brad Pitt clipped a parked car and fell while riding his motorcycle but is OK…so that must mean potential plans for Oceans 27 are too.

The President has declared the swine flu outbreak a national emergency…and coincidentally so is the encroachment on civil liberties that is sure to follow.

The US is awaiting Iran’s formal response to a UN nuclear plan…apparently the finger is still considered an informal response.

Home resales in the Northeast have posted the biggest annual increase of any region in the country…Dorothy is not in Kansas or a sub prime mortgage.

Senate Democratic leaders met w/White House officials to consider a govt-funded health insurance option…although they secretly think of it as a “mandate.”

NATO defense ministers have endorsed a broad counterinsurgency approach for Afghanistan…it’s worked so well in Korea, Vietnam, Somalia, Bosnia, Iraq, etc, etc, etc.

Southeast Asian governments inaugurated their first human rights commission…just in time to continue turning a blind eye to human rights abuses.

Microsoft stock soared 10% after beating analysts’ forecast…looks like a high pressure front of Windows 7 PR.

Hilary Swank stars in a new picture about Amelia Earhart…must be like Victor Victoria where a woman pretending to be a man pretends to be a woman.

Pearl Jam and REM have joined The National Campaign to Close Guantanamo…they better start strumming louder on the White House doorstep.

Soupy Sales has died…perhaps mourners will throw pies at the coffin.

Reports say there’s not enough swine flu vaccine for those who want it…like the meek, mild, and misinformed.

The President will travel to Massachusetts, which has universal health-care,…he must really want sympathy.

Scientists say the typical human head has been getting smaller over the past few thousand years…and so is the brain.

Hulu intends to start charging fees…even aliens want to make money.

Arson wrecked several Seattle police cars arson…that must make citizens feel safe…the police can’t even protect their own vehicles.

Teacher furloughs in Hawaii are the subject of a lawsuit seeking to stop them…teaching in Hawaii must feel like a permanent furlough

The First lady is hosting a “Healthy Kids Fair” at the White House…she’s spreading the health around.

Budget cuts might delay Chicago’s switch to curbside recycling…or maybe it’s just hard to recycle bodies.

The clerk who prayed and hugged a gunman during a robbery says she felt God’s presence…in her balls.

The Education Secretary says colleges must make major changes to better prepare teachers…like teaching them how to disarm students.

The bailout will now focus on small businesses and struggling homeowners…so govt. will give money back to the people from whom they stole it.

The index of US leading economic indicators rose in September for a 6th straight month…along with debt, unemployment, hopelessness, etc.

The Pay czar cut the pay of 175 employees at the top 7 bailed-out companies…he gives a show just like a Japanese steakhouse.

20% of Americans reportedly use Twitter…the other 80% can still write in sentences longer than 140 characters.

AIDS researchers want to expand study of a rare group of HIV-infected people not affected by the virus…I thought those people were called monks.

A new study finds obese women who gain more than 15 pounds during pregnancy tend to retain much of it long after delivery…work it off with sex.

Street gangs are getting into new line of business in southern California: Medicare fraud…the Bloods, the Crips, and the Old Fogies?

Lil Wayne has pleaded guilty to felony gun possession…yawn.

Investigators say a Boston terror suspect planned mall attacks; that’s one cheap way to shop.

A govt. watchdog has blasted the Treasury Department for its handling of the bailout…if the watchdog had teeth it would’ve opposed the bailout.

The UN says half the most senior Afghan district election officials will be fired…it’s hard to find good consistently corruptible help.

Under a proposal, most of Tehran’s nuclear material would be reformatted for medical purposes…that’ll be handy when Iran gets attacked.

Pakistan kept students home after a suicide attack at a university…so much for good old-fashioned snow days.

Wells Fargo posted a record 3rd-quarter profit…time to party like its 2006.

Fewer states posted an increase in unemployment in September…a nice of way of saying there’s still boatloads of people out of work.

Boeing posted bigger than expected 3rd-quarter loss…Dreamliner seems more like a Nightmare liner lately.

Rumors Kanye West died in a car accident are not true…Taylor Swift must be crying.

TLC is billing next week’s Jon & Kate Plus 8 as “You Ask, Kate Answers”…I bet Jon has the most questions.

A mass swine flu immunization program has begun in the UK…it’s V for Vaccine.

Patients in the 13 states where medical marijuana is legal can now light up without fear of federal reprisal…except for those weed audits.

Google reportedly plans to launch a music service…cyber-musical chairs?

The Taser maker tells cops to avoid shooting suspects in the chest…now they’ll probably aim for the head.

Barnes & Noble has a new electronic book reader…by my method beats it…read at the store.

Apple has revamped its iMac, MacBook and Mac mini lines…less filling but bytes better?

Afghan President Hamid Karzai has agreed to an election runoff…to the US running off with his independence.

The Vatican will allow Anglicans angry over the church’s liberal stance on women and gays to convert…it still involves being on your hands and knees.

Suicide bombers attacked an Islamic university popular with foreigners in Pakistan’s capital…they must be having problems with their homework.

American and Iranian negotiators are trying to kick-start stalled nuclear talks…must be hard with the US taping the kick me sign on the back of Iran.

Israeli officials might face war crimes trials abroad…so expect that war with Iran any day now.

US wind power developers installed more than 1,600 megawatts of wind-turbine generators in the 3rd quarter…Don Quixote has a hard on.

Government figures shows swine flu is disproportionately affecting young people…finally something seniors can use to make fun of their grand kids.

Researchers meeting in Paris are trying to figure out how and why a AIDS vaccine tested in Thailand seems to have worked…in other words the West is pissed the East beat ‘em.