GM will close Saturn…it’s cars were always more like Uranus.

The US and other world powers will demand Iran freeze its nuclear activities…Iran is the new Iraq…which was the new Afghanistan.

The European Union says Georgia and Russia bear responsibility for last year’s conflict…the CIA gets off scot-free.

Federal investigators say over 100 accidents were caused by stuck gas pedals and floor mats on Toyota vehicles…”Oh What A Feeling” doing 90 into a brick wall!

Dennis Hopper is hospitalized with flu-like symptoms…he’s getting old…he’s traded a chopper for a gurney.

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel have split after dating for 3 years…Cry Me A River.

Federal officials at the Distracted Driving Summit are urging states to outlaw driving while texting…time to outlaw government from outlawing.

Senate Democrats unveiled a global warming bill…just printing it probably heated the earth a degree.

Best Buy plans to hire more holiday workers this year than last year…Santa’s best present…a job.

Unemployment rates rose in all cities across the US in August from a year earlier…finally something about which the country can unite…the economy sucks.

The Forbes 400 have $1.27 trillion at their disposal…not if Obama gets his way…the government will get all of that and then some.

A new agreement will allow greater global participation in the domain name process…so perhaps will see dot chen?

Roman Polanski is seeking release from a Swiss jail…maybe the Swiss should lock up their teen girls.

Confidence among US consumers unexpectedly fell in September…it was only unexpected if you’re a bureaucrat.

The Census Bureau reports Buffalo is the third-poorest city in America…but the richest in angst.

Bank of America is cutting ties to ACORN…too bad perhaps they could’ve developed an ACORN credit card…with discounts on hookers.

Michigan ranks 2nd in car-deer collisions…no wonder it’s home to the Motor City…deer keep wrecking cars.

The US may cut Iran’s economic links to the world if talks over the country’s nuclear ambitions founder…sure to prompt Iran to go ahead with its plans anyway.

Sarah Palin has finished her memoir 4 months after the book deal was announced…pop-up books are easy to complete.

Losing weight may help obese people ease sleep apnea…and help their partners who need to worry less about being smothered to death.

State housing agencies would get $35B in federal aid under a new program…the feds are tryin’ to bribe the states in forgettin’ the 10th amendment.

The FDIC may propose the banking industry prepay 3 years worth of assessments to recapitalize…and amazingly they’ll do it without handguns.

New research reveals champagne bubbles carry loads of aromatic molecules…like the pied piper for the rich.

Google says Google Voice is exempt from FCC regs…now only if the telecoms would join the chorus, it would deafen the government.

Experts are urging people to protect themselves against seasonal flu…forget the shot; I’ll just wash my hands…47 times a day.

A new GOP web ad aims claims healthcare reform proposals would mean higher taxes…meanwhile higher taxes have likely paid for GOP ads.

An Arkansas woman carrying 2 babies claims she got pregnant while pregnant…then again in Arkansas, some people believe the earth is flat.

There have been an unusually high number of animal rabies cases in Missouri…perhaps foaming at the mouth is common there.

The FDA has banned candy and fruit-flavored cigarettes so to get around the ban, just smoke a cantaloupe.

Some House Democrats are pushing for healthcare reform legislation to include illegal immigrants…which we’re already covered under the original proposal and for that matter, are already covered now by ER rooms.

China is investigating the dumping of American chicken…wait till China starts dumping US dollars…we’ll have to barter with chickens.

Time Warner may eventually sell Time magazine…its employees may want to buy hour glasses…now.

The US is stepping up prosecutions of wealthy individuals dodging taxes through offshore accounts…time to open a bank account on Mars.

The G-20 summit agreed to toughen regulation of global banks but some key differences remain…like will the rest of the world continue to let the US screw with their economies too.

Big job losses and a spike in early retirement claims from laid-off seniors will force Social Security to pay out more in benefits than it collects in taxes the next two years…call it Anti-Social Insecurity.

Under pressure from Congress, the Fed may release the names of firms that receive loans from the central bank…probably with the names changed to protect the guilty.

Airline stocks are up…unlike the spirits of most passengers.

China is developing a pilot emissions trading system in its 5-year plan for economic development until 2015…let me guess, coal, coal, and more coal.

Chrysler’s board of directors recently discussed plans for revamping the auto maker’s product line-up…that must of been a short meeting…they probably just drooled at Toyota and Honda products.

At least one critic says the President’s speech to the UN on climate change was commitment-lite…who needs commitment when you have “hope” and “change” and by hope he means he hopes you buy into the fact that nothing’s going to change.

Saturday Night Live kicked off it’s 35th season…this show is a typical mid-30-something…receding hairline, a few failed marriages, estranged kids, and disillusioned with the so-called promises of youth.

Actress Jamie Pressly has married an entertainment lawyer…he must love chicks with raspy voices.

Drew Barrymore is producing a movie about roller-derby…what an artist!

California cops say they arrested ex-actress Tawny Kitaen for DUI…they should’ve let her go as long as she promised to re-create the Whitesnake video.

Mr. T is recording “Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs”…I pity…his career.

Iran says it will allow inspectors from the International Atomic Energy Agency into its newly disclosed uranium enrichment plant…as long as they wear sleep masks.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says House Democrats may tax generous health-insurance plans…but they could raise more money if they taxed Pelosi’s plastic surgery.

A backlog has forced Veterans Affairs to OK millions of dollars in emergency funds for veterans who need cash to pay for school…if they closed the Iraq military base and sold it piece by piece you could pay for every veteran to go to college 9 times over.

Bill and Hillary Clinton took the stage at the former president’s Clinton Global Initiative conference…physicists are still puzzled over how the two could appear together without imploding.

The nation’s top military officer has called for lifting the ban on women serving aboard submarines…that sound you may hear is a collective “YES” shouted by male sailors everywhere.

Twitter has reportedly received venture financing that values the company at about $1 billion…it’s now a Cashsitter.

Sara Lee says it would sell its international skin-care and deodorants business…no more cherry pie cobbler underarm spray.

Hyatt has offered 98 housekeepers it fired last month new jobs at their old wages…too bad it didn’t give them their old jobs at new wages.

Demand for US durable goods unexpectedly fell in August…these days the only thing durable is bad news.

95 banks have failed this year…mattress sales must be rising.

The G-20 is discussing “dangerous imbalances in the global economy”…but is ignoring the most glaringly obvious imbalance…too much government…not enough liberty.

A top Federal Reserve official says the mortgage financing system needs “significant reform”…just like the Fed…so how ‘bout that audit?

Gas in LA spiked 21 cents due to a refinery fire…every day California sounds and looks more like a Mad Max movie.

Analysts say Goldman Sachs has good long-term prospects…thanks to Hank Paulson.

163 new species have been discovered in Southeast Asia…including the most rare…people with healthy long term economic futures.

New images of Mars suggest large deposits of nearly pure water-ice may lurk just below the surface…coming soon bottled Mars H20.

Apple says it’s environmentally friendly…it’s now a green apple…Granny Smith would be proud.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is out of the hospital after experiencing lightheartedness and fatigue…perhaps that explains some asinine Court decisions.

G-20 is set to become the premier coordinator of the global economy…end the Fed? More like disband the G-20!

Boeing is studying new draft bidding rules to decide which planes to pit against rival Northrop Grumman…perhaps a modern Sopwith Camel.

The MA GOP has asked a judge to delay the swearing in of Sen. Kennedy’s replacement…they probably wanted it delayed to 2012.

Ex-Gov Rod Blagojevich has appeared on The Daily Show…listen carefully you can hear the oxygen slowly being pumped into his political career.

Susan Denise Atkins — ex-Manson family member who killed pregnant actress Sharon Tate — has died…so much for the peace-loving 60s.

House Financial Services Chairman Barney Frank has released draft legislation to create the Consumer Financial Protection Agency…which will ultimately protect neither consumers nor their finances…it’ll be another boon for the banks.

Cops say a would-be terrorist was allegedly planning to blow up a federal building with a truck bomb…was he taking lessons from Timothy McVeigh?

Cops say a California man stalked someone using his airplane to violate a restraining order by buzzing a neighborhood…at least he wasn’t crop dusting.

Faculty and students at the University of California are protesting state budget cuts and tuition increases…so much for young idealism…college protests used to be anti-war.

A suspected terrorist reportedly bought hydrogen peroxide and nail polish remover…apparently some terrorists are trannies.

There’s now a burger named after the First Lady…apparently the administration’s bailout has some meat.

Another group is campaigning for repeal of California’s same-sex marriage ban…they may be the only ones with jobs in the Golden State.

Twitter is nearing a deal for as much as $100 million in new funding…but will they get it all at once or in $140 allotments?

One of the toys predicted to be among the top sellers this Christmas costs just $10…and we call it rock, paper, scissors.

Honda has unveiled a stool with a unique wheel system that allows it to also travel diagonally…that might make it hard to pick out a drunk driver.

A new poll finds New Yorkers believe the President should stop trying to dictate the Governor’s political future…he can screw that up on his own.

A House Democrat says the Air Force’s latest attempt to award a refueling tankers contract appears “open and less subjective”…so that must mean it’ll go to only a firm that’s only slightly-less politically connected than others.

A Census taker was apparently hung in rural Kentucky…no mention of any musket fire.

The G-20 meeting about stricter financial regulations is underway in Pittsburgh…once a victim of the global economy…leaders must like to revisit the crime scene.

A senior Treasury official says the nation’s economic recovery has just begun but “we still have work to do,” …like destroying the futures of the rest of Americans.

The Obama administration is reportedly establishing a new system at Guantanamo Bay…so instead of a sign marked “Closed,” it’ll read “Under New Management.”

The US ambassador to Moscow says a purported sex video involving an apparent prostitute is part of a “smear campaign,”…but in Hollywood that’s known as good PR.

A US Ag website Know Your Farmer is now online…ironic that some farmers don’t know the Internet.

Missouri’s Governor says water quality at the Lake of the Ozarks is “unacceptable,” much like some teeth in the state.