Routine screening for prostate cancer has resulted in more than 1 million US men being diagnosed…and wearing assless chaps.

2 of the largest US tobacco companies are suing the FDA claiming its new authority over tobacco violates their rights…The FDA smokes the Constitution.

The CDC may recommend routine circumcision for all baby boys born in the US to curb infections…there goes your religious freedom along with your foreskin.

Disney is buying Marvel Entertainment…coming soon…a genetically-altered man battles a rodent with no pants…Spiderman vs. Minnie Mouse.

The US Defense Secretary is supporting support Lockheed Martin’s F-35 fighter plane…too bad it won’t shoot down a bloated defense budget.

The US government has reportedly made a profit of about $4 billion on the bank bailout program so far…this government makes used car salesmen look good.

Wal-Mart has added a million items to its online store…Amazon might soon feel like its in a retail jungle filled with dangerously competitive cobras.

The top commander in Afghanistan says the war is still winnable…if by winnable he means profitable for the military industrial complex.

The Texas fishermen stranded for 8 days in the Gulf say they never gave up hope they’d be rescued…and that’s without a Marianne or Ginger.

Ex-Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge says people “are hyperventilating” about his assertion politics played a role in talk of raising the terror alert before the 2004 elections…perhaps the threat level needs to rise to paper bag brown.

Libertarian party has surpassed its goal of $200,900 for this year’s online donations…perhaps people are finally realizing liberty is the way to go.

Marylanders who owe state taxes are getting 2-months to settle their bills at half the interest accrued and without penalties…but cannot pay with crabs.

With the cost of nearly every driving fee scheduled to rise, Florida drivers have flooded DMV offices to renew their licenses and tags…must look like Bingo night.

Teachers in Kent, Washington, are on strike…teaching students how the “real” world really works.

An ex-Pennsylvania state senator convicted on fraud charges has reported to federal prison in Kentucky where he can corner the market on the prison corn cob pipe market.

Space shuttle Discovery is looking to hookup with the International Space Station…try wine, roses, and Tang.

The test firing of a new first-stage rocket motor was called off just seconds before ignition…premature launch…a common problem for young rockets.

India is scrambling to regain contact with its unmanned moon mission after it abruptly lost contact with the orbiter…too much curry.

Homeland Security says border officials can continue to search any electronic device without any suspicion of wrongdoing…at least they’ll have lots of porn to peruse.

An insurance company says social networkers may leave themselves open to burglary…only if you think porn and t-shirt companies want to steal your toaster.

Government scientists who study the depletion of Earth’s ozone layer are pointing to a previously unheralded culprit: nitrous oxide…dentists may be responsible for global warming?

An American firm based in Alaska is set to launch a laptop with two screens…double your pleasure, double your fun, no matter whether its porn or poker.

Idahoans may get a chance to harvest wolves starting this week if a federal judge in Montana OKs it…in the human wolf pack…government is still king, unfortunately.

New research finds a depressed emotional state could have a direct effect on your physical health…but might be a boon to liquor stores and pharmacies.

A South Korean fishing boat and its crew that strayed into North Korean waters and were held for a month were returned today…South Korea has a Gilligan!

A Saudi Arabian Prince is ranked richest Saudi even after losing 4.6% of his personal wealth…if only I could win as much as he lost…I’d still be rich.

The Dalai Lama is consoling survivors of Taiwan’s deadliest storm in half a century…while Western companies are wondering where they’ll get more workers.

A member of the Afghan parliament has criticised a NATO air strike on a clinic where a Taliban leader was treated…only the West can call that collateral damage with a straight face.

A British politician says more UK troops to Afghanistan could save lives…only in bizzaro world could bombing a country repeatedly be considered a live-saving device.

The US dispelled concerns among angry residents of Englewood, NJ, that Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi would pitch his tent among them…they said he would keep his boner in his pants

“Cash for Clunkers” bumped up new vehicle sales in August but back-to-school sales seem slow…mommy and daddy bought a new Camry so there’s no money left for junior’s new Trapper Keeper.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average is up 46% since March 9…pay no attention to the man behind the curtain blowing into the next bubble.

The computer hacker charged with stealing 130 million credit and debit card numbers is expected to plead guilty to previous data-theft charges…he’ll probably become government’s new security expert.

2 winning Mega Millions tickets were purchased in New York City and the other in California…no wonder they call the Midwest the rust belt.

Whirlpool will close its manufacturing plant in Indiana, eliminating about 1,100 jobs…if Americans lose any more jobs we’ll be beating our clothes against rocks.

A federal agency is suing UPS alleging it violated a federal law by limiting workers’ ability to take medical leave…apparently government mistakenly thinks the company’s slogan is What Can Brown Do To You?

A decision by the US AG to probe deeper into alleged CIA abuse of captured terrorism suspects may not land anyone in jail…and that’s precisely the problem with it.

A California wildfire nearly tripled in size overnight…even the wildfires appear to be on ‘roids near Hollywood.

New Mexico’s Governor says the US and Cuba should take steps to improve relations…free trade would help so Americans would know more about Cuba than its cigars.

A new Senate bill would give the President emergency powers over the Internet…say goodbye to free speech…and hello to 1984 in 2010.

Representative Charles Rangel failed to report hundreds of thousands in income and assets on his financial disclosure forms…so in other words he’s like most politicians.

The Joint Chief of Staffs Chairman says the US military can’t win credibility in the Muslim world with PR but instead must act in ways that build trust…it could start by leaving the Muslim world alone!

Yosemite’s Ahwahnee Hotel has reopened after rock avalanches forced its evacuation…that makes for exciting vacation photos…look honey, here’s daddy running away from a giant rock.

Every person infected with swine flu puts 1.5 other people at risk over the 3 days before symptoms appear…swine flu is the new ninja turtle.

Washington DC is launching a marketing campaign to promote HIV/AIDS testing…perhaps: get pricked after you’ve been pricked?

The FDA has approved delayed-release capsules to treat people unable to properly digest food…unwittingly destroying a potential weight-loss solution.

Scientists have produced monkeys with genetic material from two mothers…that’ll make it tough on Monkey Mother’s Day.

A new study finds too many medical imaging procedures could harm patients…where’s Superman when you need him?

The FDIC says the number of troubled banks has hit 416…like down-on-their-luck gamblers…ready to panhandle.

The ex-CFO of Stanford Financial Group has pleaded guilty to helping in a $7 billion Ponzi scheme…still he’s less successful at bilking than government.

Boeing says the much-delayed 787 Dreamliner is expected to make its first flight by the end of the year…airlines can now wipe the sleep out of their eyes.

Kentucky has yielded $40 million for clunkers…it may have more new cars than West Virginia…which is saying a lot.

Fewer Americans filed claims for jobless benefits last week…as soon as they realized how to get jobs in the underground economy.

Oshkosh won a US Army contract to build the Family of Medium Tactical Vehicles…out of denim overalls.

American Eagle Outfitters’ fiscal second-quarter earnings fell 52%…making sales almost as rare as the bald eagle.

TiVo reported a smaller-than-expected loss…more people must be recording shows while they’re out searching for work.

Canada’s privacy commissioner says Facebook has agreed to improve the way personal information is collected and used…two things scare me about this…Canada…and privacy commissioner.

Solar cell products maker China Sunergy reported better-than-expected quarterly results…surprising China can see the sun given the country’s pollution.

The President’s scientific advisers may have asked the government to speed up the availability of swine flu vaccines…perhaps they have their investment advisers on speed dial too.

The White House is asking doctors to help promote its drive to overhaul health care…perhaps the carrot is lower malpractice insurance premiums.

US scientists say a genetic tweak of the unfertilized eggs of macaque monkeys effectively prevented the transmission of diseases…so to live longer…become a monkey.

Researchers say Americans may be receiving too much radiation from medical tests whose value has not been proven…I’m healthy and now I’m glowing green…the wonders of modern medicine!

China has inaugurated a voluntary organ donor program…but knowing China perhaps voluntary means by the butt of a gun.

California’s agriculture department says the insects found in Santa Ana do not have the potentially devastating citrus greening disease…Al Gore must be pissed…bugs that aren’t green? Something must be done!

The VA Veterans says it’ll apologize to veterans who were mistakenly told they’d been diagnosed with a fatal neurological condition…it better apologize to their cardiologists too.

Bernie Madoff’s alleged former mistress is the new Monica Lewinsky…all she needs are a beret, collection of handbags, and ever lower self-esteem.

A new study finds Tamoxifen, a drug used to prevent breast cancer recurrence, may increase the odds of a more aggressive breast cancer…so either way you might wind up tits up?

A study finds circumcision does not help protect gay men from the virus that causes AIDS…but does help prevent gay laughter.

A study finds overweight people have smaller brains, are more at risk of Alzheimer’s, and their brains age faster…so, intellectually, fat people are less filling.

The American Heart Association says added sugars in packaged foods and beverages have become too common in the American diet…insulin makers must love it.

A study finds testosterone levels in women may affect their choice of career…too much = dominatrix; too little = Little Bo Peep.

Senator Ted Kennedy is dead…most likely leaving a string of unpaid bar tabs.

About 1,000 firefighters are battling a brush fire in the California foothills…it’s been burned more times than genital warts at a STD clinic.

The nation’s next 10-year deficit is estimated to be $9 trillion so figure $18 trillion because government usually tells you half-truths.

New York City and New York State SAT scores have plummeted for the 4th year in a row…apparently there is no New York State of mind.

New York’s Governor blames racial bias for negative media coverage…but at least didn’t call for anyone’s firing.

Florida’s ban on gay adoptions is headed to appeals court…it seems the sunshine state needs more enlightenment.

Today is Women’s Equality Day, a celebration of the right of women to vote, congratulate them but don’t hug or kiss…it could be sexual harassment.

Purchases of new homes in the US jumped more than forecast in July…houses that jump must be particularly affordable.

Orders for US durable goods like washers and dryers jumped in July by the most in 2 years…people don’t have to wash their clothes on rocks…yet.

Anheuser-Busch InBev plans to raise prices for most of its US beer this fall…right at a time when cheap beer is getting us through a bad economy.

Williams-Sonoma profits rose to its highest level in nearly a year…at least we know where some of that bank bailout & bonus money is being spent.

The number of mortgage applications across the nation rose for a 2nd week…perhaps the market is out of the cellar or at least opened one of the Bilco doors.

Toyota plans its first long-term closure of a domestic assembly line…GM executives are high-fiving each other.

Nokia is launching a mobile bill payment service…many Americans already have this…pay the minimum then hope the collectors aren’t mobile.

The federal deficit will soar to $1.6 trillion…that must be what Obama meant when he said change…you’ll be looking under your couch cushions for it.

Ex-VP Cheney says recently-released documents prove harsh interrogation techniques prevented attacks…of anyone’s conscience.

Afghanistan President Karzai is leading by just 2 percent…just like the milk…watery and not as tasty.

Britain’s PM says he’s outraged by the welcome given to the Lockerbie bomber; some British have used to same words to describe the PM.

Fed Head Ben Bernanke is getting a 2nd 4-year term…Obama essentially said, “Heckuva job Bernie!” Now the whole country looks like Katrina wrecked it.

Consumer confidence jumped much more than predicted…and by jumped they mean went from the cellar to the first step.

Experts say women should limit sugar intake to 100 calories daily and men to 150 calories…it’s not a glass ceiling; it’s a sweet cap.

An investor who claims she had an affair with Bernie Madoff plans to forward him a copy of her book about the alleged relationship to his jail cell…at least he’ll have some nighttime reading to distract him from a possible shanking.

South Korea’s first space rocket lifted off but failed to put a satellite in the correct orbit…apparently they’re not taking lessons from the North.

A small plane crash-landed in the parking lot of a northern New Jersey mall…shoppers will do anything for a bargain.

Average national SAT scores for the high school class of 2009 dropped two points compared with last year…of course they probably won’t understand that.