Director Ridley Scott is returning to the Alien franchise with a prequel in the works…no word on whether Sigourney Weaver’s panties will reprise their role.
Eminem’s new song ‘The Warning’ has created some controversy…yawn.
Cops say a package found outside Oprah Winfrey’s Harpo Studios in Chicago was not dangerous…perhaps it was a bundt cake…which some would call dangerous.
Researchers have whipped up a batch of calorie-burning brown fat cells…What Can Brown Do For You? Help you drop 40!
The House has approved new constraints on executive pay…too bad it’s not their own.
US stocks rose, extending the Dow Jones best monthly gain since ’02…Bernanke and his bankers sure are doing their best to re-inflate that bubble.
Qwest Communications International’s former CEO won a court ruling that may reduce his 6-year prison sentence…justice loves white collars.
The top US commander in Afghanistan plans to ask for more troops…and must be re-reading Operation Enduring Blunder: The Bush Years.
The owner of one of the biggest Harley-Davidson dealerships in the nation was killed in a motorcycle accident on his way to a bike rally…cue Alanis Morissette song.
Florida’s “python patrol” bagged a 17-foot snake…no wonder the elderly drive big cars in the sunshine state.
Cops say a Washington DC Metro bus driver involved in an accident had a suspended license…then again it’s just a bus…point…and drive (or not).
The House has approved an emergency $2 billion for cash-for-clunkers…cut out the middle man…trade in your clunker in China.
Chevron, the second-largest US oil company, posted its biggest decline in profit but at $2.50 a gallon, the company ain’t makin’ its HQ a cardboard box.
The maker of Botox says 2nd-quarter profit rose 23% offsetting declining sales…Hollywood really is aging…less people using more Botox.
Thousands of top traders and bankers were awarded huge bonuses and pay last year…so apparently the stimulus did work (for them).
Americans spend $34 billion on alternative health care…you know like booze, illegal drugs, and promiscuous sex…that kind of “alternative” care.
Malaria is becoming resistant to the most powerful drugs available in Southeast Asia…next week…watch for frogs falling from the sky.
A surge in reported cases of Lyme disease in Northern Virginia…must interrupt lawmakers’ outdoor romps with interns.
Plastic surgery reportedly can ease the pain of migraines…but maybe migraines help offset the pain of plastic surgery.
New research finds a compound similar to blue food dye in Gatorade and M&Ms may people with spinal cord injuries…Gatorade & M&Ms: the new choice of champions?
The US successfully tested a sea-based component of its missile defense shield…must be a guy with binoculars and flare gun.
Dozens of post offices in Southern California are being eyed for possible closure…through rain, sleet, snow, hail, but not economic downturns.
UCLA says it’s canceling the finals-week tradition known as “Undie Run” but no word on “Outie Run” where students showcase their belly buttons.
Apple will patch a security flaw in iPhone…an Apple a day sometimes requires a programmer to keep hackers at bay.
2 years ago a study claimed the world’s seafood stock could collapse due to overfishing now some areas are better then again there’s always imitation crab.
A California company has been awarded a patent for a “Method for Providing Episodic Media”…must be like the Holy Grail of Hollywood.
Firefox browser is expected to pass the 1-billion download milestone today…making it the McDonalds of browsers.
A trio of hackers has hacked the security systems of parking meters…that noise you just heard was the joyful scream of millions of city folk.
Adobe has issued patches for a dozen vulnerabilities in Flash Player…online porn clip lovers rejoice!
The House has approved the first major changes to food safety laws in 70 years…outlawing refrigerator stew.
The President is awarding the Presidential Medal of Freedom to 16 people…they’ll have to share it as part of “spreading the wealth around.”
A fire at a chemical plant has forced the evacuation of a Texas town of 72,000 people…but I bet a few cowboys stuck around just to see if they could ride a bull while glowing green.
A NJ mayor arrested on federal corruption charges after 3 weeks in office is expected to resign soon…or write a book called “Balls.”
Minnesota’s Governor urged fellow Republicans to welcome outsiders into the party…like minorities, the poor, Catholics, free market advocates, veterans, people whose last names’ have lots of vowels.
Reports claim a marked drop in Phoenix-area crime coincides with the recession and a drop in the number of illegal immigrants in Arizona…or poor whites may just be tired.
Karl Rove has finished 2 days of closed-door testimony to Congress…transcripts sure to be available on Fox.
New York state’s budget is $2.1 billion in the hole in the first 3 months of its fiscal year…so in other words it’s business as usual.
The driver of a semi transporting 97 illegal immigrants inside a refrigerated trailer has appeared in federal court…what’s the defense…he was testing it for meat packing?
Philadelphia’s Mayor is warning residents numerous city services are in danger without the state’s help…like no cheese wiz for cheese steaks.
Two Atlanta-area police officers are accused of using government computers to run a criminal background check on the President…for unpaid parking tickets?
The Army’s top general says basic training will soon include anti-stress programs…perhaps drill sergeants will sing lullabies.
Experts say pregnant women should get the new swine flu vaccine first which may destroy their self-esteem…”I’m swine?”…is that some sort of fat joke?
The FDA says mercury dental fillings are not hazardous then again I think I’ll hold off turning my mouth into a thermometer.
The FDA says consumers should stop using body-building products that claim to contain steroids or steroid-like substances…I guess it’s back to getting sand kicked in my face.
Five US Senate summer pages may have swine flu. Finally, something that may stop Congressman from groping interns!
The CDC is holding a 3-day conference in Washington DC called “Weight of the Nation” which I bet includes catered meal breaks. Carrot…Stick…
A new report says American childrens’ health is growing worse but 2/3rds of the world lives on one dollar a day…Americans are still OK.
The Feds arrested more than 30 suspects including doctors they say were involved in Medicare fraud…there’s your health care reform.
British researchers claim organic foods are not nutritionally superior to conventionally produced ones…except for taste, smell, touch, feel, and sometimes price.
A tobacco industry-sponsored review of data from nearly 90 studies concludes smokeless tobacco does not increase the user’s risk of cancers other than oropharyngeal and prostate cancer…enjoy your chew just don’t plan to piss.
Yahoo is partnering with Microsoft in a cyber tango leaving analysts wondering who gets to hold the rose.
Nigerian security forces raided the compound of a leader of a militant Islamic sect…interrupting the popular game of pin the tail on the infidel.
The President is challenging Israel’s plan to build new settlements…he’s picking a bone with a powerful group…AIPAC.
Time Warner reported 2nd-quarter profit that fell less than analysts estimated…when the economy sucks, movies rock.
Oil dropped over $4 a barrel…gas stations must not have heard.
Orders for US durable goods unexpectedly rose in June…even in a crappy economy, people still love toast.
The US government has taken delivery of 20 million doses of swine flu vaccine…just enough to inoculate the really “important” people.
International experts say tanning beds and sunlamps raise the risk of skin cancer…I always thought they raised the risk of arrogance…those tan yuppies.
The Defense Secretary says a “modest acceleration” of US troop withdrawal plans in Iraq could occur…you know like 99 years instead of 100.
Space shuttle Endeavour crew members planned to inspect the craft’s heat shield which sounds like a bad astronaut pick up line.
A judge ruled a US-trained Pakistani scientist accused of being an al-Qaida operative is competent to stand trial…he’s actually getting a trial? At least that’s progress.
A political consultant involved in a sweeping corruption scandal in New Jersey was found dead in his apartment…convenient…creepy…but convenient.
Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have split…I know I should feel bad but who are they?
Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush have split…at least he’ll be reminded of her bodacious booty every time he gets online.
Apple plans to launch iTablet…which if Moses were born today…he’d likely carry.
Health and Human Services is urging the use of ‘obesity strategies,’ perhaps duct tape over the mouth, welding the fridge shut, and daily enemas?
Recently-released research claims remarrying does not eliminate the trauma of divorce but I bet throwing darts at a photograph of your ex does.
Interest groups claim the US is likely to face a severe shortage of heart surgeons in the next 10 years…start a red wine cellar today.
Swine-flu quarantine in China usually begins when men in hazmat suits, masks and goggles appear at a tourist’s hotel room then again it could be for “re-education.”
Verizon plans to cut 8,000 workers by year’s end…so they can hear Verizon but I bet they don’t want to.
Car shoppers may not qualify for Cash for Clunkers because their old cars’ fuel economy has suddenly improved but unfortunately not their luck.
The US investigation into Swiss banks suspected of selling tax evasion services to Americans has widened…much like the eyes of those under the microscope.
Experts claim texting while driving increases the risk of crashing 20 times yet no word on the consequences of texting and chewing gum.
Home values in 20 major US cities fell less than forecast in May…to bad they didn’t fall more…it might’ve spurred sales.
A key index of consumer confidence fell more than expected in July so maybe lowering expectations is in order or just ignoring the index.
Sprint Nextel has purchased Virgin Mobile for $483 million…so I guess I can count on crappy cell service off major highways.
IBM is buying analytics software and solutions provider SPSS in cash…even Big Blue likes all green in this economy.
Bank of America has closed 259 ATMs and 30 branches…now you can find drugs on street corners easier than banks.
Sumner Redstone of Viacom and CBS says several bidders are interested in his family’s movie theaters…they better be 3D if they want to make money.
Europe’s second-biggest oil company, BP, says its 2nd-quarter profit declined, which means its profits are no longer obscene just outrageous.
Coach reported lower quarterly profit, who needs a handbag when you have no money to put in it?
Hedge funds that provided bankruptcy funding to Delphi won an auction to take control…so if an auto part breaks blame a financier instead of an engineer.
European Aeronautic Defence & Space Co reported a 69% jump in 2nd quarter earnings…they must love Obama’s Afpak war.