The cost to wind down GM is topping $950 million which is $949 million more than it should if the government had let it fail.

Rising unemployment and shaky consumer confidence are weighing on prospects for a recovery meanwhile falling productivity and rock solid cynicism are growing like wild fire.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average is up 29% from the 12-year low hit on March 9: welcome to the new bubble.

Wal-Mart is endorsing the idea of requiring large companies to provide health insurance so say your final goodbyes to every mom and pop store.

China’s economic recovery is on more solid ground unfortunately the ground keeps shifting under America unless you’re a central banker.

Gannett plans to eliminate more than 1,000 jobs but no need to call Extra, Extra because you can read all about it on Twitter.

A Fed Bank President says US benchmark lending rates could stay near zero for a couple of years welcome to the US of Japan 2009.

Oshkosh will provide US military mine-resistant trucks for use in Afghanistan now only if war would disappear so we’d only need Oshkosh overalls.

AIG’s CEO says the company’s repaying the federal government…like a degenerate gambler paying back a mob boss one black and blue at a time.

The FDIC is expected to propose new guidelines for private investors seeking to buy failed banks just like a drug dealer updating rules for junkies.

Morgan Stanley and a Japanese bank have outlined details of a previously announced joint venture: offering futures on sushi.

The SEC reportedly conducted at least 5 inquires into Bernie Madoff’s activities over 16 years making the SEC the Jacques Clouseau of financial detectives.

Tourists aboard the Star Ferry in Hong Kong are treated to two sights: the city’s famed skyline and demonstrators which Americans think are part of the Chinese Welcome Wagon.

A new report claims spending on information technology and services will plunge 10.6% in US dollars but hey the currency’s worthless so like Mad Magazine’s Alfred E. Newman: What? Me Worry?

Only three venture-backed companies went public in the year’s first half but more than three government-backed ventures will go private in the year’s last half so pull on your jackboots, learn Italian, and study Mussolini.

Firefox 3.5 brings the world’s second-most popular browser up to speed with current browsing technology like adding a nitrous to a hopped up Civic.

Some of Apple’s new iphones with white backs have been changing colors after frequent use; now doubt conservatives will blame Obama.

Skype has released two updates, one for Windows Mobile and another for the iphone, like dating two women at the same time: tricky and requiring costume changes.

The interplanetary space probe Ulysses has officially ceased operations informing NASA by text message of 265,000 words written in stream-of-consciousness.

The world’s ten major mobile phone manufacturers have agreed to produce a harmonized charger for users across Europe eliminating the need to be AC/DC.

At least one analyst says Palm’s touchscreen smart phone sales are about twice previous estimates but I wonder if the “analyst” works for Sprint.

A new broadcasting satellite for Sirius XM Radio has been launched; call it a Sternite.

A national survey on aging finds the older people become, the more likely they are to see “old age” as a time occurring later in life to which I say no sh$t.

Vibe magazine — founded by legendary producer Quincy Jones — is going out of business. Man, poor Q, first Mike, now Vibe, that’s not Smelly Jelly.

Good news: Rick Astley is alive; bad news: Rickrolling isn’t.

Measuring a compound called C-reactive protein helps identify people with heart disease then again so does finding a large block of Cheddar in your ticker.

UnitedHealth Group says technology could help the US health care system save $332 billion but you could save even more if we had simple country doctors making house calls. Paging Dr. McCoy!

New research challenges the widely held belief that teens underestimate the dangers associated with risky behaviors because they think they are invincible. Now, it’s because they’re idiots (it’s the hormones).

A new study shows men with a history of fertility problems may curb DNA-damaged sperm by ejaculating for 7 days in a row. Finally research that supports masturbation and sex, if only this study was around when I was trying to lose my virginity. Come on’ honey, do it because it’s good for my health!

American Pop Dream
Sung to the tune of Don McLean’s American Pie

A short, short time ago…
I don’t need to remember
How MJ’s music used to make me smile
And I knew if Michael had his chance
That he could make those people dance
And, maybe, they’d make him smile.

But June made me quiver
With every tweat that was delivered
Bad news on the feed
I couldn’t take one more tweat

I know I cried
When I read about all his child
But something touched me deep inside
The day Michael died

So bye-bye, King of Pop
Your beats will never stop
But your heart couldn’t take it
Even though so much of the world wanted you to make it

Singin’ Billie Jean is not my lover
She’s just a girl who claims that I am the one

Did you write Dancing the Dream,
And we know your faith went often unseen,
Because the Bible told you so,
You believed in r & b.
And made music look as easy as A-B-C
Your dancing was as graceful as 1-2-3

Well, we know you loved your kin
‘despite what the media said about Berlin
You wanted all the fans to see
What filled you with such glee.

I was a lonely teen who practiced your moves
With all sorts of stuff to prove
But I’m glad you got me through
Those uneasy years of high school

I started singin’
bye-bye, King of Pop
Your beats will never stop
But your heart couldn’t take it
Even though the world wanted you to make it
Singin’ Billie Jean is not my lover
She’s just a girl who claims that I am the one

Now for years I’ve been grown
You’ve still outshone
Every pop sensation who’s tried to dethrone
When you sang for the Queen
You were as precise as a machine
In that voice that came from above

Oh, and when you were down
You still tried to avoid a frown
The courtroom was adjourned
The verdict was returned
And when it was read
There was no more sense of dread
Despite a media that had misled
The day Michael died

We were singing,
bye-bye, King of Pop
Your beats will never stop
But your heart couldn’t take it
Even though the world wanted you to make it
Singin’ Billie Jean is not my lover
She’s just a girl who claims that I am the one

Helter skelter in a summer swelter
Under your umbrella you took shelter
Peace sign waving filled with love
In a world brightened by your glove
You tried to change the globe
From under the strobe

Now the TV is filled with stories about your life
And radio spins your tunes 500 times twice
We all got up to dance
But now you won’t get the chance
‘Cause you had to go
And now you’re all aglow
Do you recall what was revealed?
The day Michael died

We started singing,
bye-bye, King of Pop
Your beats will never stop
But your heart couldn’t take it
Even though the world wanted you to make it
Singin’ Billie Jean is not my lover
She’s just a girl who claims that I am the one

Now we’re all in scattered places
Generations lost in cyberspaces
With so little time for real human interaction
Social networking is the main attraction
So download some MJ
Make his legacy as bright as Broadway

Oh, and as I watched him on the stage
For a while he was all the rage
Saint and sinner like us all
He still shone like a fireball
And as the spotlight grew more intense
He needed to retreat for peace of some sense
The day Michael died

We were singing
bye-bye, King of Pop
Your beats will never stop
But your heart couldn’t take it
Even though the world wanted you to make it
Singin’ Billie Jean is not my lover
She’s just a girl who claims that I am the one

We wished he met someone who could cure his blues
And brighten his day with happy news
So he could just smile and turn away
From fame and fortune that decay
His music will live on for years
But the man was filled with tears

And in the streets, the children dreamed
Of a world without schemes
But too many words are spoken
About a man some said was broken
Now he is a ghost
So we raise our glasses in a toast
To a man who accomplished more than most

And they were singing
bye-bye, King of Pop
Your beats will never stop
But your heart couldn’t take it
Even though the world wanted you to make it
Singin’ Billie Jean is not my lover
She’s just a girl who claims that I am the one

bye-bye, King of Pop
Your beats will never stop
But your heart couldn’t take it
Even though the world wanted you to make it
Singin’ Billie Jean is not my lover
She’s just a girl who claims that I am the one

Iraq has regained full control of its towns and cities…just not its country. Iraq: 1 Meddlers: 2

Only 1 of the bidders for 8 contracts to run oil and gas fields in Iraq has accepted oil ministry terms (most likely imposed by the US trying to fend off China and Russia).

Home prices in 20 major US metropolitan areas fell in April at a slower pace than forecast which means they’re still overpriced.

A private research group says consumer confidence unexpectedly fell in June but I’m still waiting to find out who didn’t expect it to fall.

10 or more people associated with Bernard Madoff could face criminal charges…if they’re not already sitting on some South Pacific Island.

Billy Mays’ funeral will be held in the Pittsburgh suburb where he was born and raised. He must’ve yelled to be heard over the noise of the steel mills.

Health experts are warning parents against holding “swine flu parties” in the hope of infecting their children and you thought doing chores as a child was abusive.

The FDA says it’s confirmed E. coli in samples of Nestlé Toll House refrigerated cookie dough. E. coli and milk, Yum!

A new Web site will track more than $70 billion in government information technology spending like what they blew on this website to track other websites.

Apple has released an online tool that tracks the status of iPhone 3GS shipments in what could only be described by some as high-tech narcissism.

China has pushed back its deadline requiring all PCs sold in the country to include Web filtering software known as Green Dam; they must need time to get out the MSG.

The US Treasury has sent Congress proposed legislation to create a new agency to regulate banks sure to create a boatload of moral hazard just in time for the next financial tsunami.

3 more Republicans in the South Carolina state legislature are calling for the Governor to resign; they better hope they have no skeletons in their closets.

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor has credited her success in part to America’s efforts to end racial discrimination…and verbally spanking crackers.

The President — under fire from the gay-rights community — has promised to deliver by the time he leaves office…just in time for the next President to kick the can down the road.

South Carolina’s Lt. Governor says when he was a teenager, he would clean and repackage stray golf balls in egg containers to sell…sounds like your typical politician…repacked and sold.

The Supreme Court will consider whether to uphold a ban on corporate spending in federal elections but apparently doesn’t give a rat’s ass about endless spending after elections.

A report claims HUD has left elderly borrowers vulnerable to abusive lending practices involving shortcomings in reverse mortgages coincidentally nearly unintelligible to young borrowers too.

Bernard Madoff was sentenced to 150 years for masterminding the largest Ponzi scheme in history unlike no punishment for the purveyors of the ultimate Ponzi scheme…the US government.

The Supreme Court has ruled white firefighters in New Haven suffered unfair discrimination but no one ever turned fire hoses on them.

The President’s top energy adviser says she’s confident the Senate would pass a global warming bill; translation: enough lawmakers have caved so expect it to be law sooner than later.

Ousted Honduran leaders are demanding a return of a democratically-elected government and so are we in America where money rules the Republic.

Pakistan’s battle against the Taliban has extended to a tribal region where people who just want to be left alone are branded terrorists…sort of like everywhere else but with no running water.

Top Democrats have outlined a framework for financing a $1.2 trillion health care overhaul which will force us to work longer hours making us sick and need it.

Tuesday marks the long-anticipated deadline for American troops to pull out of Iraqi towns and cities but 2050 makes the year when we’ll really be out.

Mobile communication device makers have agreed to manufacture a standard charger for devices sold in Europe actually it’s one big charger that everyone must share.

Possible E.coli contamination has prompted a Colorado meat company is expand a recall of beef which may no longer be for dinner or any other meal…for now.

Day camps in upstate New York are preparing for swine flu by teaching campers to knit face masks.

More young sunbathers are developing skin cancer which looks hot in a bikini.

Experts claim fireworks can terrify dogs so keep them home where the stereo sound on your plasma screen TV can scare them in the comfort of their own home.

Apple reportedly has an ample inventory of white iPhones proving we really are living in post-racial high tech world.

Most Asian stocks climbed after an increase in Japanese industrial production so American senior citizens must still be snapping up Camrys by the boatload.

GM will assume responsibility for product liability claims filed after the car maker emerges from bankruptcy now if only the company would assume responsibility for product reliability.

San Diego’s payroll reportedly ballooned by $41 million last year which explains why the California state motto is Eureka, it sucks up all your money.

Billy Mays reportedly was about to film ads for Taco Bell which prompts you to use Oxiclean on your briefs.

Transfomers 2 has raked in $200 million in five days by transforming Americans into zombies.

One of her bridesmaids says Kendra Wilkinson’s wedding was “absolutely beautiful” which best describes her tits.

Johnny Depp stars as bank robber John Dillinger in “Public Enemies” with a slight twist Dillinger apparently robbed banks using scissors for hands.

Coolio has pleaded guilty to possession of cocaine but has worked out a deal to avoid going to Gangsta’s Paradise.

A nationwide contest for ham radio operators is underway or as I heard dot-dash-dot-dot-dash.

Lenovo is the latest PC vendor to offer a free upgrade to Windows 2007 which some consider a downgrade in security.

More and more politicians are using Myspace, Facebook, and Twitter to campaign so now we have more ways to learn how they’ll screw us.

Adam Savage, co-host of MythBusters, tweeted about the $11,000 cellphone bill he received while travelling in Canada, the wonders of socialized communication.

Hulu has stopped working on the PlayStation 3 browser; must be aliens.

The government says a high fat diet from meat and dairy increases the risk of pancreatic cancer so pick up some turkey bacon, tofu, and avoid farting.

A Duke University official has been charged with offering up his 5-year-old adopted son for sex; an alleged blue devil in deed.

A panel of federal experts says an anti-itching drug is safe and effective but some of us wonder about the safety and effectiveness of federal experts.