The US Treasury Secretary is seeking to reassure China its holdings in US government debt are safe about as safe as China’s polluted air.

Car sales seemed to have surged lately at Chrysler dealerships where customers are most likely offering to buy cars at garage sale prices.

One of the surest signs the world economy is about as stable as a fault line, a Saudi billionaire’s bank accounts have been frozen along with hell.

OPEC would wait until inventories fell to around 53 days of forward cover before it might raise output which is just what the cartel always does wait until the patient is almost dead.

The average price of a gallon of gas has risen more than 50% since the start of the year but the average need for a gallon of gas has dropped 75% as more people take the bus to the unemployment office.

The Federal Reserve is studying significant moves in the US government bond market that it claims it doesn’t understand which is like a creepy guy thrusting his pelvis against women on a dance floor while claiming he can’t control his hips.

Dell has reported a 63 percent decline in earnings during the first quarter compared with the same period last year because so many unemployed are now using their computers as flower pots.

The Taliban has video taped teen boys being groomed as suicide bombers in Pakistan’s Swat Valley which is to terror what the San Bernardino Valley is to porn.

Despite North Korea’s missile launches, Japan’s defense minister says his country would only use its military for defense, a rather convenient case of historical amnesia.

President Obama has warned against “playing the usual political games” with his nominee to the Supreme Court as opposed to the “usual warning” presidents issue when they want their picks to sail through the process.

Palestinian factions in exile have warned the Palestinian President against giving up on the “rights of the Palestinian people” in exchange for a “US illusion” sort of like trading trinkets for land another “US illusion.”

The Burmese military has allowed an imprisoned opposition leader to meet with her lawyers making Burma seem almost more civil than Gitmo.

Jay Leno has bid farewell to “The Tonight Show” by welcoming incoming host Conan O’Brien once again leaving David Letterman to be a bridesmaid but never a bride.

The US has condemned recent “terrorist attacks” in Iran but it shouldn’t be too difficult to scold the CIA.

Wikipedia has blocked contributions from computers owned by the Church of Scientology. Somewhere Tom Cruise is probably learning how to hack.

At its latest meeting, OPEC decided to keep oil production as is so buy a bike.

Consumer sentiment jumped to 68.7 in late May which is better than 68.7 of consumers wanting to jump after looking at prices.

Tiffany & Co is still seeing big drops in sales across most of the world but I bet dollars to donuts sheiks are still using petrodollars to snatch up designer handbags for their Western mistresses.

New York State’s pension fund has lost almost 30 percent of its value over the past year prompting Billy Joel to change the lyrics of his classic song I’m (Not) In A New York State of Mind.

The insurance industry’s key regulator, the New York Insurance Superintendent, is stepping down apparently he’s not in a New York State of mind either.

Fiat is focusing on finishing its purchase of a stake in Chrysler that now has an industrial-sized heart now hemorrhaging from a consumer-driven stake.

Construction activity in Argentina fell 3% in April from the same month a year ago but given our troubles, Americans are still not crying for Argentina.

Fannie Mae saw its volume of refinanced mortgages drop in April to $45.5 billion from a high of $77 billion in March ditching home buyers faster than an STD-ridden prostitute.

Congress is now questioning Chrysler’s decision to close nearly 800 dealerships but not quizzing themselves as to why they bailed out the automaker so lawmakers must have a big enough blind spot through which to drive a billion Dodge Ram pickups.

While shooting an action scene on the Long Island set of the spy thriller Salt, Angelina Jolie sustained what producers describe as “a minor injury.” Must be a sprained lip!

Candy Spelling and her daughter Tori are publicly arguing but it’s hard to focus on much more than Tori’s fake tits.

Two upcoming music video games are set to battle DJ Hero and Scratch: The Ultimate DJ. Wonder where you put your hands on the cartridges when you scratch?

Actor Jon Cryer’s ex-wife has been arrested on charges of child neglect but given the LA lifestyle couldn’t most of Hollywood be accused of that?

Phil Spector has been sentenced to 19 years to life in prison but his wig got off scott free.

The fatal shooting of an off-duty New York City police officer by a fellow officer is under investigation. A cop shot another cop? That has to be a first. Perhaps he was holding a wallet someone thought was a gun.

The President is appointing a czar to oversee the country’s computer security which is like assigning someone to order a bulletproof vest for you after you’re already on the battlefield.

Republicans are battling each other over how to attack President’s Supreme Court nominee but so far they’ve been using the typical GOP playbook…call her a socialist.

North Korea’s missile tests could trigger reactions from Japan and China like ignoring North Korea even more…it seems to be the erratic step child of Asia.

The US has denied claims by Iran that the US was involved in the bombing of a mosque in Iran which killed 25 people. Hmmm, did a predator drone veer from Afghanistan?

Auto parts giant Magna International is close to a deal to buy GM’s Opel unit but if I were Magna I’d be kicking the tires…a lot.

A swine flu vaccine could be available as early as October but only if tests run smoothly this summer so if high school and college students are looking for jobs…

The economy has affected the art world as collectors pare down purchase of expensive pieces meanwhile connoisseurs are snatching up kindergartner’s paint-by-numbers works.

Britain’s Prince Harry is in New York City today where employers fielded a rash of sick calls made by female workers. A 24-hour case of the hots.

Google Wave reportedly redesigns email, instant messaging, document sharing, and blogging…and soon, scarily enough…probably….thinking!

Southwest Airlines is now charging a fee to allow pets to fly with owners but they really ought to be charging a fee for children to fly with parents…those crying brats.

The nation’s gross domestic product declined 5.7 percent in the first quarter of 2009 but that was less than the 6.3 percent it dropped in the fourth quarter of 2008 so things are better by getting less worse…break out the Champagne but use plastic flutes or Ripple and use real crystal.

The median price of a new home in April was down 15% percent from a year ago but the number of Americans in the middle class was down 75% leaving many us to consider buying new tents.

A cancer drug deal could be worth as much as $1 billion and you thought crack dealers made good money?

Procter & Gamble is forecasting profits that fall well below Wall Street’s projections which isn’t tough since the Street expects the world on a platinum platter.

US gold futures are heading upward while the US dollar is about to be beaten by Monopoly money.

Yields on US government debt are marching higher so grab a lawn chair and enjoy the 76 trombones in the hit parade while the yield gets closer to 4%.

Macy’s will lose its FAO Schwarz outlets after Toys “R” Us acquires the toy retailer which would be like Wal-Mart buying Target so low rent.

Microsoft’s new search service is called “Bing” after other names were rejected including “Bong.”

Google Android is poised to dominate the smart mobile phone markets with at least 18 devices making Google sound scarily like SkyNet in Terminator.

Videogame console sales grew 28 percent so far in 2009 while Xbox Live users hit 20 million but no word on how large players’ asses grew.

Hulu Labs is a new section of the site that allows you to test new products like an alien probing a human in a ship hovering over a desolate Nevada town because Hulu is run by aliens and that’s how they roll.

A retired warship was recently sunk, capping a 13-year project to create the world’s second-largest artificial coral reef but the world is still waiting for war to be sunk to create the earth’s longest lasting peace.

Google opened its developer conference in San Francisco by declaring “the Web has won” which is sort of like “the West has won” but only slightly less decadant.

Sources claim Sony’s PSP Go! will be lighter, less expensive, and less power hungry like a politician running for local office instead of a federal seat.

Mozilla is now competing with Microsoft, Apple and Google and the world is waiting to see if a fox can beat a geek, a hipster, and a giant.

Researchers believe mice carry a humanized version of a possible “speech” gene but chances are good if a mouse in your house is talking to you, you need to stop sparkin’ the owl.

A new offer gives major GM bondholders an increased stake if they go along with bankruptcy, which is like offering a kid a nearly empty ice cream cone.

More homeowners than ever before are falling behind on their mortgages so when foreclosure occurs move the homeless into those empty pads.

Ford says it would not be forced to seek federal money to help bailout bankrupt auto parts maker Visteon so FORD now stands for Financial Order not Found On Road Dead…at least not yet.

On his first trip to China, the Treasury Secretary will discuss concerns about investing in US debt; hope he brought his tap shoes.

US crude oil futures have surged above $65 so prepare for a tidal wave of inflation. Can you surf?

The number of Americans collecting unemployment insurance reached a 17th straight record putting us in the running for a gold in the financially f*#ked Olympics.

Sales of new homes increased 0.3 percent which is like one extra home.

Sales of new homes increased for the second time in three months but I’m willing to bet the homes are the size of most garages.

Health officials predict swine flu will continue to spread around the world infecting people almost as quickly as American culture.

The President’s Supreme Court nominee has diabetes leading experts to predict lawyers using blood sugar defenses in court cases will succeed mightily.

The US government can save $540 billion in health care costs in the next decade by taking 15 steps but the government could save twice as much by making the most unhealthy people in the world walk 15 steps.

A study finds compression stockings don’t reduce the risk of blood clots in stroke patients but do make a great fashion accessory for women over 90 out for a night of bingo, canasta, and hot toddies.

The Medical College of Wisconsin will receive $11 million in donations making them the envy of American automakers.

The number of US adults following a healthy lifestyle has fallen in the last two decades despite increasing public health campaigns so apparently the more you know the less you care…or do.

A new study shows heat generated by radio waves to selectively destroy tissue completely eradicated the abnormal cell growths lining the esophagus in more than 77% of those who received the treatment allowing patients to avoid sounding like Jack Klugman.

A health coalition is pushing a major health and beauty products company to remove chemicals considered to be likely human carcinogens from its baby shampoo because who cares about tears when baby has no scalp.

The death rate due to cancer has declined in the United States in recent years despite the best efforts of alcohol, tobacco, and drug makers.

More than 100 athletes who swam in the Oklahoma River during a triathlon have returned health questionnaires from state officials investigating an outbreak of gastrointestinal illness among participants who should’ve known not to compete in the Raw Sewage 500. Apparently, a river really does run through you like poop through a goose.

US health officials are working as fast as they can to understand swine flu which is like a parent trying to understand a tiny tot in the terrible twos: overwhelming, frightening, and maddening.

British travelers are set to return to Mexico in greater numbers despite swine flu; apparently the potential of contracting swine flu in a sunny climate beats the chances of getting mad cow disease on a sheep farm in dismal weather on the Isle.

One of the nation’s largest health insurers has issued a report outlining ways the federal government could shed $540 billion in future medical costs over 10 years but I bet the most obvious was overlooked: ending government intervention in health care.

A Singapore man has been temporarily denied entry into the US because a cancer drug he was taking had made his fingerprints disappear. This guy must be a ninja, albeit a sick one, but still a ninja! Watch out! They’re shifty!

A new study finds teens and young adults who are obese or have type 2 diabetes show early warning signs of heart disease like cheddar cheese lodged in the left ventricle.

A growing number of hospital patients are routinely given drugs to prevent acid reflux but a new study finds this creates a higher risk of pneumonia so if you’re in the hospital avoid the spaghetti sauce and suck down gallons of Jello.

Researchers have found retail medical clinics designed to reach under served populations tend to be in relatively affluent communities. Even in health care, the trickle down theory applies.

Arizona residents may be asked again to decide whether to amend the state Constitution to include new rights to obtain private health care; only in country where liberty is under constant assault would this be necessary.

The American Cancer Society has determined 650,400 US cancer deaths were avoided from the early 1990s through 2005 which is one of the best ways to piss off the Grim Reaper short of coming back from the dead.

A food company is recalling pistachios sold in Los Angeles under the label Wild Rose because they could be contaminated with salmonella so avoid the “Wild Nuts.”

Nevada’s governor vetoed an off-road vehicle registration plan probably after realizing if it was enacted, every dirt bike, ATV, and go-kart would clog the state’s highways in protest.

The Senate Judiciary Committee’s top Republican says he does not foresee a filibuster against the President’s Supreme Court nominee because even the GOP doesn’t want to piss off the Hispanic voting block.

Microsoft has announced the latest iteration of its Zune music player which most people read about on their iPods and iPhones.

AT&T will begin upgrading its 3G network to use faster technology after realizing Japan’s mobile network makes America’s look like we’re still using rotary phones.

Microsoft is bringing a new search engine to market but we’ll have to wait and see if it can slay the mighty dragon, Google, which is more like trying to kill Medusa.

Apple has updated its low-end consumer notebook. Too bad they won’t downgrade the price.

Nintendo hopes to expand the Wii’s library with games targeting serious players but some are still awaiting for Wii Jai Alai, Wii Wii Paintball, and Wii Wee: the game of urinary concentration. A sure-fire hit among elderly men with bulging prostates.

Apple’s iPhone continues to drive customers to AT&T except for those who’ve unlocked the devices and are using everyone else’s networks. It’s now theirPhone for those gifted hackers.

A Russian-made space capsule has blasted off making the Russians look peaceful compared to the North Koreans.

The President is in Las Vegas today, the nation’s third most popular gambling destination after DC and Wall Street.

The President will attend a fundraiser tonight in LA where whoring is an art, craft, and science.

Arnold Schwarzeneggar has proposed $5.5 billion in cuts to balance California’s budget now growing faster than a steroid-using body builder’s bulging biceps. Note to Arnold: the budget is now a tumor.

California’s Supreme Court upheld Proposition 8′s ban on same-sex marriage but will allow a straight man to marry his pet chicken as long as the cock is an adult.

The energy secretary says he’s had enough of talk about fighting global warming so he’s pledging to help wreck our economy first and worry later. No need for concern about excess carbon when jobs, money, and lives vanish. Except decaying flesh might be a problem. No carbon offset.

A proposal to tap into the Louisiana’s “rainy day” fund is under consideration but what’s more amazing is that they even have an emergency kitty after Katrina.

More than 700 Tennessee state employees would lose their jobs as part of the Governor’s proposed budget cuts which should be a boon to the state’s moonshine industry…that’s 700 more potential shiners.

The Wisconsin Supreme Court is asking lawmakers to rescind raises that judges and justices were scheduled to receive next month but replace them with Packers’ tickets.

The Scripps National Spelling Bee has begun which is about as popular as crab racing in the Buccoo Village of Tobago.

Apple has kicked off its back-to-school promotion offering a free 8GB iPod touch to students and educational staffers who purchase a qualifying Mac. An Apple a day keeps PC’s at bay.