Former VP Dick Cheney is asking the CIA to release reports about how water boarding helped thwart terrorist plots and how torture techniques taught terrorists couped up in caves to swim.

The FAA reports wildlife strikes of airplanes are rather common and involve creatures — including foxes and lizards — hitting windshields, wings and stabilizers. Hey honey, look out your window, I think I just saw the Geico gecko climb aboard our plane.

A small plane ventured into restricted airspace in Washington, DC, this week. Quick dispatch the Airforce foxes and lizards and they’ll take down that plane. No need to scramble fighter jets.

Experts say as the American economy worsens more women are turning to stripping and hooking to make ends meet. And my guess is more men are turning to stainless steel pole installers and pimps.

General David Petraeus, along with a number of other high ranking military officials, believe all the pictures related to allegations of detainee abuse should be released — a number that would total in the thousands. That will make a nice commemorative album. Remember when he hooded that suspected terrorist and threw him against a flexible wall. Good times.

Former Vice President Al Gore is urging lawmakers to pass legislation aimed at reducing greenhouse gases. He could start by shutting the hell up about it. That would reduce a lot of carbon dioxide in the air.

Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps says he is not dating controversial Miss USA runner-up Carrie Prejean but is taking recommendations for where he can get some great pot.

Former hostage Richard Phillips says he thought he’d never get out alive from the lifeboat where Somali pirates held him for five days until he promised to send them oranges to help stamp out scurvy.

President Obama said Friday he wants to end a federally subsidized student loan program using private lenders and restore the government’s role as the primary financier for college educations. ‘Cause the government has done such a wonderful job with health care, the banking industry, automakers, etc., etc., etc.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano apologized to the country’s largest veterans organization for a report warning that right-wing extremist groups were trying to recruit disgruntled troops returning from Iraq and Afghanistan. Uncle Sam is a schizophrenic old bastard, isn’t he? Serve me but don’t question me!

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s friends and supporters have set up a fund to help her pay more than $500,000 in legal bills racked up defending ethics complaints – including one she filed against herself. She filed an ethics complaint against herself? How does she know if she’s right or wrong?

On Bring Your Son or Daughter to Work Day, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi moved away from the podium and sat to take questions from children of staffers. Some of the questions include: How can I become a corrupt public “servant” who leaches off the public tit? What’s it like using Airforce planes for your personal transportation? Is it true your face rivals Joan Rivers in tightness?

President Barack Obama recently toured a wind turbine factory so workers could figure out how to capture the gail force winds coming from his mouth.

Miss California, Carrie Prejean, told the Today show she didn’t win the Miss USA pageant because of her views on gay marriage but we all know its because she didn’t talk about world peace.

Top Obama administration officials claim a major House energy and global warming bill will help promote economic recovery and reduce consumption of foreign oil by making it more expensive for average Americans to buy energy at low prices. We’ll soon be poorer and in the dark.

The Supreme Court appears divided over whether a Connecticut city’s decision to scrap a promotion exam for firefighters because too few minorities passed violates the civil rights of top-scoring white applicants. Clearly they’ve forgotten when it comes to fire the only color that matters is the blue of the water putting out the red glow of the flames but who delivers the dousing doesn’t matter.

The Department of Transportation plants to reject a proposal by the Federal Aviation Administration that would keep data about where and when birds strike airplanes a secret. How much of a secret can it really be? Just follow the feathers.

Tribal officials say residents of the Spirit Lake reservation have overwhelmingly approved the University of North Dakota’s Fighting Sioux nickname and Indian head logo. My, how times have changed, when a major universty’s choice of a nickname and logo based on native American folklore would have been so anti-PC. Now, it’s cool if not hackneyed.

New Jersey Govenor Jon Corzine, who is up for re-election this year, hit a new low in the Quinnipiac University Poll released today. His disapproval rating jumped to 54%, up from 50% in March. But hey, he’s still doing better than any federal lawmaker.

New York State’s budget director is leaving her position to lead an Albany, NY-based lobby representing private colleges in the state. Gee, I wonder if any private colleges will get additional state aid in the coming months?

President Barack Obama will face strong opposition from many fellow Democrats if he asks Congress to approve two free-trade agreements that his predecessor George W. Bush negotiated with Panama and Colombia but as soon as Obama gets his custom made cape and boots from Panama and Columbia, Congress will give the deal an OK.

Former President Bill Clinton is wading into Virginia’s Democratic primary for governor on behalf of his friend and long time political ally Terry McAuliffe and because Clinton loves Virginia hams.

A little known Pentagon agency that trained US troops to resist torture promoted the use of some of the same interrogation techniques on al-Qaeda because it takes a torturer to know a tortuerer and to teach a torturer.

A legislative hearing to extend gay marriage to another New England state – Maine – created traffic jams Wednesday as thousands of residents formed a giant pink triangle.

Liberty: Neither Right Nor Left But Just — What The Tea Parties Are Really About…

The Federal Income Tax went into effect in 1913, the same year that the Federal Reserve System went into effect.

From 1776 to 1912, America survived without a federal income tax. Roads were still built, students still went to school, the military still defended the nation, and life still existed.

The Federal Income Tax enriches the politicians, allows the Republicans and Democrats to continue to plunder the rest of the country, and makes each and every American a slave.

We are captors to a government and a cartel of 12 privately-owned banks that debase the currency. They print money backed by nothing to pay for war and welfare.

There is no real liberty while the federal income tax still exists. The Federal Government systematically and knowingly violates each citizens private property rights by taking a third of each and every person’s income with the threat of force.

The Federal Reserve System facilitates this process. The debasement of the currency by the endless printing of money is a hidden tax known as inflation which robs people of the value of their savings.

The Federal Reserve inflates all the while it claims to “fight” inflation.

Neither the right nor the left are truly interested in the liberty and prosperity of the average citizen.

The right and left political classes are interested in three things (a) money (b) power (c) ways to increase both.

The right and the left love to pit Americans against each other. It is much easier to control a country when you fracture it into two opposing camps, except that is much harder to do when it comes to liberty. The freedom of the human soul cuts across all human-created classes. Its message trumps all government, all political parties, and all people.

The tea parties represent a mass call for true liberty. They reject the notion that endless government growth, endless and ever increasing taxes, and all those drunk with power are entitled to continue to tighten the yoke around each and every American’s neck.

As Thomas Jefferson said…

“A Bill of Rights is what the people are entitled to against every government, and what no just government should refuse, or rest on inference.”

“A wise and frugal government, which shall leave men free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned – this is the sum of good government.”

“All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent.”

“All, too, will bear in mind this sacred principle, that though the will of the majority is in all cases to prevail, that will to be rightful must be reasonable; that the minority possess their equal rights, which equal law must protect, and to violate would be oppression.”

“Dependence begets subservience and venality, suffocates the germ of virtue, and prepares fit tools for the designs of ambition.”

“Educate and inform the whole mass of the people… They are the only sure reliance for the preservation of our liberty.”

“Enlighten the people generally, and tyranny and oppressions of body and mind will vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day.”

“Every government degenerates when trusted to the rulers of the people alone. The people themselves are its only safe depositories.”

“Force is the vital principle and immediate parent of despotism.”

“History, in general, only informs us of what bad government is.”

“I know of no safe depository of the ultimate powers of the society but the people themselves; and if we think them not enlightened enough to exercise their control with a wholesome discretion, the remedy is not to take it from them but to inform their discretion.”

“I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.”

“I own that I am not a friend to a very energetic government. It is always oppressive.”

“If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be.”

“If there is one principle more deeply rooted in the mind of every American, it is that we should have nothing to do with conquest.”

“In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.”

“Information is the currency of democracy.”

“It behooves every man who values liberty of conscience for himself, to resist invasions of it in the case of others: or their case may, by change of circumstances, become his own.”

“It is our duty still to endeavor to avoid war; but if it shall actually take place, no matter by whom brought on, we must defend ourselves. If our house be on fire, without inquiring whether it was fired from within or without, we must try to extinguish it.”

“Leave no authority existing not responsible to the people.”

“Liberty is to the collective body, what health is to every individual body. Without health no pleasure can be tasted by man; without liberty, no happiness can be enjoyed by society.”

“My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government.”

“No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.”

“No government ought to be without censors; and where the press is free no one ever will.”

“Our country is now taking so steady a course as to show by what road it will pass to destruction, to wit: by consolidation of power first, and then corruption, its necessary consequence.”

“Peace, commerce and honest friendship with all nations; entangling alliances with none.”

“That government is best which governs the least, because its people discipline themselves.”

“The boisterous sea of liberty is never without a wave.”

“The care of human life and happiness, and not their destruction, is the first and only object of good government.”

“The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.”

“The God who gave us life, gave us liberty at the same time.”

“The most successful war seldom pays for its losses.”

“The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield and government to gain ground.”

“The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain occasions that I wish it to be always kept alive.”

“The spirit of this country is totally adverse to a large military force.”

“The whole commerce between master and slave is a perpetual exercise of the most boisterous passions, the most unremitting despotism on the one part, and degrading submissions on the other. Our children see this, and learn to imitate it.”

“We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”

“Were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers, or newspapers without a government, I should not hesitate a moment to prefer the latter.”

“When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty.”

“Every generation needs a new revolution.”

Emailed Question from a Performance Venue:

We would like to know what your material consist of as we are a non judgmental environment and will not allow any cursing, racial jokes or gender jokes (lesbian, gay, etc.)

My Response:

While I can work clean or with vulgarity, I am a libertarian so I talk about politics, culture, religion, etc in my act.

I’m looking for a truly free place to discuss anything so restrictions of any kind are the enemy of freedom and liberty.

There are no sacred cows in good comedy, everyone, everything, is ripe for satire.

I only perform in places that recognize that really good comedy questions everyone and everything.

I find it ironic that a place labeling itself “non judgmental” has already made judgments about what it deems acceptable or unacceptable.

It seems at odds with the whole point of being non-judgmental.

I have been performing for 7 years in every kind of venue imaginable coffee cafes, gay clubs, straight clubs, black clubs, etc.

It seems you have pre-conceived notions about what stand up is about.

I don’t really talk much about race or sexual orientation in my act but I object to being told I cannot if I so choose.

The same goes for language.

I don’t need vulgarity to be funny but I prefer the option to use it as I see fit if I so choose.

After all, that is what liberty is about, to fight for the right for someone to say something with which you disagree.

Unless the policy changes and becomes truly open minded, I don’t see myself performing at your venue.

Federal agents have picked up an 89-year-old retired auto worker accused of being a Nazi death camp guard called ‘Ivan the Terrible,’ at his suburban Cleveland home but if I were the Feds I’d leave him in Cleveland. That’s punishment enough.

The President says there is fundamental weakness in the political system as well as the economic system. He ought’a know, he helped to create it.

The American cargo ship captain rescued by the American Navy from Somali pirates will return to the US tomorrow wearing a T-shirt that says I Survived The Somali Pirates.

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich of Illinois has pleaded not guilty to corruption charges and not guilty to wearing a hairpiece.

The Department of Homeland Security claims right-wing extremists in the United States are gaining new recruits by exploiting fears about the economy and the election of the first black US president. Who knew the Feds considered soccer moms and NASCAR dads to be potential terrorists?

A US study says illegal immigrants are having a growing number of children and are more likely to live in poverty just like the people paying for the illegals’ medical benefits, the so-called “middle” class.

A bill to legalize same-sex marriage in New Hampshire may get tangled up in the state Senate where proponents are pushing for a new state motto Live Gay Or Move Away.

A man who landed a plane with the assistance of air traffic controllers after the pilot fell unconscious and died says he was “still in a daze…” If I were him, I’d be in a daze from spending most of my time at the airport bar.

Spanish prosecutors are expected to soon decide if a human rights investigation of former Bush administration officials in connection with Guantanamo Bay will go forward but I wonder if Spain will have the balls to serve a subpoena to former VP Dick Cheney. You need garlic, a silver bullet, and wooden cross around him.

Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley has signed an emergency bill that would enable the State to retain the Preakness Stakes. And they’re off! Government intervention has the lead while Crony Capitalism remains a close second; Fascism and Socialism are third and fourth but gaining ground while Free Market is dead last.

Hundreds of firefighters from across Massachusetts converged on the State House today calling on Governor Deval Patrick to prevent layoffs otherwise they’ll roast his wiener.

A northeastern Pennsylvania casino owner is no longer facing perjury charges but will have to turn over his business to his daughter. Government never rolls snake eyes because it’s rigged the game, owns the house, and always wins.

A shortage of toll takers led to major backups Easter Sunday on the Massachusetts Turnpike. Apparently Maine is not the only state in New England where “you can’t get there from here.”

The real surprise in the US retail sales figures the government released Tuesday isn’t that they fell in March, but that they rose in January and February. Wrong! The real surprise is that there are any figures to report, period.

US stocks fell on Tuesday as a surprising drop in retail sales dented hopes the recession was abating meanwhile shares of anger, fear, and resentment skyrocketed.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke says the most severe economic decline since the Great Depression could be leveling out. In other news: pigs may fly.

Who says there are no jobs in this God awful economy?

Why just take a look at this…

Chicken slaughtering (Hilltowns)
Reply to: gigs-pkcpv-1119294093@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-04-12, 8:00PM EDT

Looking to pay someone to come and slaughter and pluck 50 meatbirds in late May. Must be someone with a ‘magic fingers’ and is familiar, quite capable, with this type of work. Anyone? Any ideas? There used to be an older gentleman who did this, but that was a long time ago and he is no longer around….

* Location: Hilltowns
* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: pay appropriate for the job

PostingID: 1119294093

Somali pirates are vowing revenge after the Navy Seals killed three pirates and freed an American ship captain. I wonder what the over-under is in Vegas for a proposed special forces versus pirates war?

President Obama silently greeted children lined up for annual White House Easter Egg Roll until he could get the microphone to work. The economy is so bad even the Federal Government’s equipment isn’t working.

Detroit’s Mayor has proposed today laying off nearly 340 city employees to bring spending under control. If I were Mayor, I’d be calling Detroit-born Kid Rock and Eminem to ask if they’d put on a benefit concert. Rap For Recession Relief 2009!

The $787-billion-dollar federal stimulus bill is now funding its 2,000th road project all the while the price of oil is dropping because no one can afford gasoline to drive or the people who were previously driving no longer have to because they’re out of work. Brilliant stimulus! Next week, a federally-funded stimulus package designed to boost sales of banana-seat bicycles.

Experts are wondering whether the new US foreign policy pursued by President Barack Obama will include lifting embargoes against Cuba but we all know those experts are really just cigar aficionados.

Gay rights backers are taking a go-slow approach in trying to overturn Oregon’s 2004 constitutional ban on gay marriage just to make sure it’s environmentally friendly. You know Oregon, everyone and everything must be recyclable.

Never beloved by her own state party, Sarah Palin is under attack from some in the state GOP again. “Among the Republicans’ biggest complaints: Palin has yet to pose for Playboy to get the NASCAR Dads and closeted lesbian soccer moms in her corner.

Tennessee lawmakers and that state’s governor expect the state budget to be the biggest sticking point this year along with what to do with the profits of sales of moonshine.

Shares of General Motors have tumbled on speculation the automaker might be forced to file for bankruptcy. Who wants a new Buick?

Shares of Genworth Financial fell as much as 31% today as investors learned the company is ineligible to participate in the Treasury’s Capital Purchase Plan which ironically would probably cause the company’s share to fall anyway even if it did participate.

Treasuries gained after the Federal Reserve bought $7.37 billion of government securities or as those of us in the know like to call it visiting Mandrake for some magic.

Goldman Sachs plans to buy assets from endowments and pensions stung by losses because after all is said in done Goldman Sachs is about the only solvent company left. And who was in charge of the treasury when the bailout began? That’s right! Good old Hank Paulson of Goldman Sachs. Weird how that happened!

The Energy Department says seasonal gas price hikes may be less this year because more of us are forced to hike.

The storm over bonuses paid to executives of American International Group last year likely hurt taxpayers because the unwinding work of its financial products unit was set back by weeks. Earth to AIG, we were already hurt when $170 billion dollars of our tax money was used to prop up your company.

US car and truck part maker ArvinMeritor has laid off about 250 workers and plans to close two plants. I sure hope truckers are still getting their brakes replaced frequently otherwise I’m driving on the shoulder of every highway.

Google’s share of the Internet search market is more than double that of its two closest competitors and growing. Now wonder they call one of their applications Google Earth. Soon the entire world will be owned by Google and Wal-Mart and once they merge we’ll be shopping and surfing at Goo-Mart.

Hundreds of LGBT book titles were stripped of their sales rank by Amazon.com over the weekend in what the online store is calling a “glitch. Is Jerry Falwell back from the dead and working at Amazon?

Rumor has it the Palm Pre — aka the latest iPhone killer — may launch next month but most folks are probably reading those rumors on their iPhones.

More than 80 percent of IT professionals at major companies say they’re planning to wait more than a year to upgrade to Windows 7. Not surprising since most companies seem intent on cutting jobs the only computer they’ll need is a Commodore 64.

Today’s New York Times has a timely trend piece about the rise of “hyperlocal” news sites–those that aim to create or aggregate news down to the neighborhood or block. In the news today, I woke up and went downstairs for coffee.

Google has decided against bending to a South Korean law that could require it to hand over to the government the identity of people who upload videos to YouTube Korea. Better be careful, the mad missile launcher in North Korea isn’t that far away.

One of the two co-creators of Dungeons and Dragons has died sending shockwaves through basement-dwelling 40-year-olds who live with their moms. I should know I was almost one of them.

Reports suggest Russian and American astronauts are arguing over food aboard the International Space Station. Someone apparently has been letting a nearly empty carton of Tang float around.

Microsoft has sold more than 90 percent of its advertising to the Discovery Channel for one day to promote the TV series “Deadliest Catch.” The other 10 percent was sold to promote “Catchiest Dead.”

Scientists have discovered strong new evidence that female mammals, including women, are not born with all the eggs they will ever have. They’ve scoured grocery stores all over the planet and discovered women buy eggs too.

The surgeon who led the country’s second-ever face transplant operation said that he and his team are “cautiously optimistic” over the recovery of the patient who underwent surgery Thursday. The first-ever face transplant is 50 years old and he’s planning a string of 50 farewell concerts in London.

The AP quoted hospital officials who say a healthcare worker in Chicago may have unknowingly exposed patients and staff in three hospitals to tuberculosis. If you’re a patient in the windy city, I’d avoid getting treated by Doc Holliday.

Democrats want an insurance program financed by taxpayers, managed by government, and open to everyone, much like Medicare. If this passes, Uncle Sam will take your money thus increasing your stress so you’ll develop health problems that he’ll treat using our tax money.

The Harris Teeter supermarket chain is recalling its store-brand pistachios because of potential salmonella contamination. Who’s inspecting these nut makers? Pauley Wallnuts?

Less than 70 percent of Massachusetts residents have their own end-of-life health care wishes documented but nearly 100 percent privately want some of their money to go to the Red Sox.

Researchers may be able to get your body to develop brown fat to help burn calories and fight obesity. Fat fights fat? Next week smoking fights cancer!

A recent study finds a bias in favor of male offspring has left China with 32 million more boys under the age of 20 than girls. And now China is dealing with an outbreak of chronic masturbation.

Somali pirates netted between $50 million and $150 million last year but spent even more on eye patches, peg legs, and parrots.

The President is urging families to refinance their mortgages which may help them save money but we’ll certainly help banks make money. Thanks for lookin’ out for the little people! (Yeah, right!)

Detroit public schools are laying off 600 teachers who are now learning the 3 R’s of the modern American economy Recession, Reduction, Redistribution.

A new report claims American web servers are unknowingly hosting sites created by the Taliban and other extremists but instead of pulling the plug we should just redirect the sites to porn. That’ll shake things up in Afpack.

Experts claim greener fuel-efficient cars alone won’t save the American auto industry which is why some are hoping for another world war. When you can’t build fuel efficient reliable cars, good old-fashioned tank building can net you billions.

North Korean says it’s keeping its leadership structure intact because they make really good decisions for their country’s future like launching missiles to rattle their saber.

The 134-year-old Preakness Stakes, the second leg of US horseracing’s Triple Crown, may need a state bailout to keep running. And they’re off, Stakes officials are in the lead as they race for taxpayers dough but they still lag behind the banks, auto makers, and insurance companies.

A new legal fund has been created to help Alaska Governor Sarah Palin pay her mounting legal bills. If she would just do a Cougar Calendar, you could make millions. Here’s Sarah on a bear-skin rug. Here’s Sarah eating a piece of raw red meat while holding a rifle. Here’s Sarah slathered in oil. That’s a good one for January.

Stocks rallied around the world as upon news of better-than-estimated earnings at Wells Fargo who sees signs of an improving economy in the stagecoach business. The only thing any of us maybe able to afford these days are wagon wheels.

The Labor Department says first-time claims for state unemployment benefits remain high much like some of the people on unemployment because the economy sucks so you might as well make yourself numb.

The gap between imports and exports in the United States fell to its lowest levels in nine years in February. I still can’t figure out what we export other than entertainment, guns, and heavy equipment which are handy when you want the rest of the world to do your bidding.

Kohl’s says its same-store March sales declined 4.3 percent while total sales increased 0.5 percent. Miley Cyrus, Avril Lavigne, and Daisey Fuentes better come up with some new designs for the tweeners.

The President will meet with top financial regulators to sketch out the next steps to take with the “stress tests” underway at the biggest US banks. If they put the dollar on a treadmill, I guarantee they’ll need to administer a moist towelette, oxygen, and nitro.

Target says same-store sales declined 6.3 percent in March meaning there are fewer soccer moms shopping for designer waste baskets.

Jesse Jackson Junior says he’s cooperating with a congressional ethics investigation but we all know these probes are as effective as pin-pricked condoms.

The White House says a portion of the revenue from any US system capping carbon emissions must go toward softening the impact of higher energy prices on consumers. Translation: we’re still going to pay more for energy but government will make us think it’s helping us by reducing the cost from out-of-sight to slightly outrageous.

Crews in Washington state have rescued a moose that fell through the ice which is exactly what’s happened to our economy minus the rescue.

Attorney General Eric Holder has warned federal prosecutors of increased scrutiny and who wouldn’t believe him since according to the AG we’re a “nation of cowards.”

Iowa Governor Chet Culver says he took longer than any other Iowa politician to release his thoughts on the legalization of gay marriage because he wanted to consider it thoroughly. What did he need to do? Try out a wide stance in a men’s public bathroom?

President Barack Obama’s auto task force has dispatched a team of 15 people to General Motors but how if Obama has his way instead of fitting all 15 into a GM van, they’ll have to drive two at a time in Mini Coopers.

US President Barack Obama says “If we confront this (economic) crisis without also confronting the deficits that helped cause it, we risk sinking into another crisis down the road.” No shit! Why don’t you cut spending, government payroll, and taxes? That just might stimulate something important like liberty!

Only a member of the mainstream media could write this as the opening sentence of a story on gun violence, “Do the recent mass shootings in New York state and Pittsburgh suggest a need for more stringent firearms laws?” They never write a headline they should write like “Do the recent mass shootings in New York State and Pennsylvania suggest more Americans should carry concealed handguns?

Absentee ballot counting begins today in the 20th Congressional District for the special election between Republican Jim Tedisco and Democrat Scott Murphy. Thank God we don’t have hanging chads. This could take forever.

Florida homeowners are meeting with lawmakers today to air their concerns about Chinese made drywall. The good news? It doesn’t contain MSG. Neither the meeting nor the wall.

Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley has introduced legislation aimed at keeping the Preakness Stakes horse race in Maryland. If it’s one thing the state knows, it’s gambling!

The American crew of a hijacked US-flagged ship retook control of the vessel from Somali pirates Wednesday. Does anyone know where Johnny Depp is these days?

The American Life League says removing Notre Dame from the Official Catholic Directory would cut it off from a lot of Catholic foundation funding. Nothing is worse than aborted funding.

President Obama has put together a new White House Office of Health Reform to figure out how to make our system sicker.

Teen-clothing retailer Hot Topic posted a 7.1 percent rise in March same-store sales cause no matter the state of the economy teens need skull t-shirts, skateboard pants, and day glow belts.

Federal Reserve policy-makers, faced with bleaker forecasts for a rapidly worsening recession, decided to buy a “substantial” amount of US Treasury and mortgage debt but won’t do the one thing they could do to end the pain give up the monopoly on the nation’s money supply.

Life insurers will get bailout money but with so many out of work and out of homes who really needs life insurance anyway.

The hedge fund industry is defending the practice of short-selling in response to new government proposals to limit the practice. I wish government would short sell itself.

Chrysler doesn’t see “any reason” the company’s proposed partnership with Italy’s Fiat SpA will not happen but car buyers familiar with Fiat do. What pieces of crap!

Oil futures turned higher Wednesday as government data showed US crude inventories rose less than expected. More people are out of work but we’re still driving around like crazy.

Gold futures rose for a second session on Wednesday cause everyone is lining their bunkers with gold bricks.

The US government says it will not try to keep any money recovered from the sale of Bernard Madoff’s assets but I don’t trust them. Time and time again the government has shown its willingness to rob from the robbers all in the name of justice. Just wait, a few months from now when the economy’s worth, suddenly they’ll be a new Bernie Madoff wing of the White House.

Ford Motor says it has no interest in acquiring any Chrysler assets or brands if the automaker is forced into bankruptcy. Who needs Jeep when you could bring back the Pinto?

Jos. A. Bank Clothiers posted its best fourth-quarter and annual financial results in its more than 100-year history. Cause even when you don’t have a job, you still want to look good.

The Obama administration will crackdown on companies operating mortgage and foreclosure scams but will continue to shovel money at failing banks in the biggest scam on the planet.

The Associated Press’ board has announced significant additional rate reductions and new content options for member newspapers and said it would seek to protect news content from misappropriation online. Translation…it’ll likely go after the end user who just wants the content for free.

Ford says it cut its debt by $9.9 billion now if they’d only bring back the Pinto.

MGM Mirage is in talks with private equity firm Colony Capital for a secured loan to help refinance some of the casino company’s debt. Perhaps the house doesn’t always win!

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner says he’s prepared to oust the senior management and directors at banks that require extensive aid from the federal government. He must’ve bought extra pink slips with the money he didn’t pay in taxes.

Sallie Mae says it’ll bring 2,000 jobs to the US within the next 18 months as it shifts call center and other operations from overseas. Great, low paying jobs done in poverty in foreign countries are coming back so people can continue to live in poverty here. That’s progress for a new American century!

Five central banks in Europe, Japan and the United States have announced a way to provide foreign currency to US financial institutions. It involves ski masks and handguns.

A drop for US stocks interrupted the recent rally on Monday as old worries about banks and deals caused new woes for investors on the eve of earnings season. Might as well stuff your currency under your mattress and then burn it for warmth.

US securities regulators have charged a Toronto-based fund manager, who describes himself as the “Chinese Warren Buffett” and his hedge fund with operating a multimillion dollar investment fraud. And who knows fraud better than the US government? Absolutely no one! The biggest pyramid scheme in the country is Social Security.

The US Federal Reserve’s $1 trillion effort to restart the market for securities backed by loans “unfairly” benefits the three largest credit rating companies. Shocking! A big government bailout that benefits big business? Surprise, surprise! Next week, we investigate a theory that the ski is blue and the grass is green.

Crude-oil futures fell Monday for a second consecutive session but apparently that trickle down theory of economics doesn’t apply to the price at the pump where we’re all still forking over more than two-dollars a gallon.