The President ordered tough steps to restructure General Motors and Chrysler which is exactly the kind of hike the auto giants’ employees will be taking when they lose their jobs too.

As a presidential candidate, Barack Obama promised to revitalize America’s image in the world and begin a new phase of US leadership. Now as president he’s doing exactly what former president Bush did, ordering more troops into a foreign land to make more war. But hey, we got change! We’re sending our military to die in the Afghan mountains instead of the Iraqi deserts. Apparently moving chess pieces around a board constitutes change.

New York Governor David Paterson and the state legislature have unveiled a nearly $132 billion budget for next year but have kept hidden the process of how they got to that amount.

Senators have begun debating a $3.53 trillion budget which amounts to lawmakers arguing about how much water they’ll let through the hose, a trickle or a gusher.

Maryland may start a second study on the economic development impact of a new soccer stadium which is just what our country needs when our economy has been bending like Beckham.

President Obama’s nominee for secretary of the Navy was involved in a divorce that drew national attention for his secret taping of a conversation between his wife and his family priest that he used against her in court. So far Obama has nominated wire tappers, tax cheats, and racists to various government posts. Is this a cabinet or an extended episode of the Jerry Springer show?

Democratic Virginia Governor Timothy Kaine says he’ll ask the General Assembly to change Virginia’s unemployment system so the state can take advantage of $125 million in federal stimulus money. “Change for change”… sounds inspiring and insidious!

President Obama may face abortion protestors when he delivers the commencement address at the University of Notre Dame in May. I say cut his speech off right before it ends. Call it a partial birth speech and see how he likes it.

Texas is holding a public hearing on a bill that would allow licensed concealed gun carriers to take their weapons to college. This needs debate and a bill to make it a law? Has Texas not heard of the Constitution?

Senator Chris Dodd collected more than $160,000 from AIG employees and their spouses after a top executive urged employees to give. Obama better send those Acorn protestors over to Dodd’s estate for some chanting.

Canada extended deadlines for General Motors and Chrysler to work on their restructuring plans but won’t let them have milk and cookies after school.

A new report finds Internet advertising increased last year but the growth is starting to flatten much like our wallets and pocketbooks.

New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo says JPMorgan Chase & Co.’s banking unit will drop a $10 monthly service charge added to thousands of credit-card accounts earlier this year and refund $4.4 million. You have to love the irony of a government thief robbing from a private sector thief.

Local officials along the US-Mexican border are welcoming a new federal crackdown against border violence by handing out fruit baskets to those running across the Rio Grande because even the Welcome Wagon speaks Spanish. A fruit basket today results in future orange salesman on California freeways.

Senator Arlen Specter, who was the lone Republican to side with Democrats on the Senate’s last vote on union-organizing legislation, has announced he will not vote for this session’s bill. History or at least fake history is always dominated by the lone man.

President Barack Obama’s planned visit to the University of Notre Dame this spring has triggered a national debate over whether such a prominent supporter of abortion rights should be welcomed at one of America’s top schools. We’d like to find out what young ones think but they’re freakin’ dead.

The US Senate has approved the nomination of former Washington state Governor Gary Locke to be US commerce secretary, putting a Chinese-American in the job for the first time. That ought to stall China from dumping even more US securities while the Fed and the government do their best to destroy the currency. No wonder the Reds are calling for a global currency.

Altruism, not a lower tax bill, should be reason for donating to charity, President Barack Obama said on Tuesday. He also ordered the sun to revolve around the earth and gravity to stop.

About 8,900 New York state workers stand to lose their jobs through layoffs and attrition because their unions spurned other ways of saving money which is about 8,900 too few given our school, property, and state taxes.

Forensic evidence in music producer Phil Spector’s murder retrial proves he is not guilty of the shooting death of a Hollywood actress six years ago but he is guilty of using way too much hair mousse.

Federal investigators have recovered an onboard device they hope will shed light on a deadly plane crash. They’re looking to see how many liquor bottles are left in the drink cart.

High school students who don’t rank in the top 10 percent of their graduating classes would have a better shot at going to the University of Texas under a bill that would limit automatic admissions. Except those students not in the top 10 percent of their class actually know how to do things that will allow them to make more money than their college-educated classmates.

A watchdog group cites a new report that finds only a few states have laws that adequately equip teen victims of dating violence with tools for protection and safety. Mace, self-defense classes, and guns are all you need.

A new study confirms red meat’s link to early death but finds death never tasted so good.

Some say Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner should be fired but the President says he still supports him ‘ cause no body cheats on taxes better than Geithner except maybe Bernie Madoff.

An accused sleeper agent for al Qaeda has pleaded not guilty to terrorism charges. Rip Van Winkle says he works for Seely Posterpedic.

Kansas lawmakers are cutting funds to virtually every aspect of state government except the one area they should have already cut…taxes.

The UN says nations are starting to agree on how rich countries could help pay for greenhouse-gas reduction and climate-change adaptation in developing markets. It involves wearing loin clothes, picking berries, and banning the use of fire.

The crew of a C-17 military transport plane is safe after initial reports the plane crashed were found to be untrue. CNN reports people in Olney Texas called their local police department on Monday after seeing a low-flying plane but it turns out it was just a UFO.

A federal jury convicted Chicago’s former streets and sanitation commissioner of scheming to load the city payroll with political campaign workers. That’s not a crime in Chicago, that’s standard operating procedure.

Plans to pay for transportation projects in Georgia by boosting the sales tax by a penny have run into gridlock at the state Capitol. Apparently horse and buggies cost more than lawmakers thought.

The California state assembly has passed a bill to extend unemployment benefits which include sun tan lotion, bottles of tequila, and free surfboards.

Barack Obama will give commencement speeches at the US Naval Academy, Arizona State, and the University of Notre Dame this year as part of his plan to stimulate hot air.

Sales of previously owned homes in the US unexpectedly increased in February as record foreclosures pushed down prices and lured first-time buyers into the market. What a shock! If the government let the free market determine prices instead of meddling people actually can afford homes! Who knew! Everyone except the idiots in Washington but then again we’re paying for their homes so they don’t care.

A worsening economic outlook supported the decision by the US Federal Reserve to undertake massive purchases of US Treasuries so get on the phone to your Swiss Bank and starting stashing more gold in your safety deposit vaults.

Burned by their failure to uncover the biggest Ponzi scheme in history, US securities regulators are ramping up training of staff which involves opening your eyes, reading, and then not looking the other way. Complicated but the government thinks it’s possible.

Moody’s Investors Service revoked General Electric’s triple-A rating which means GE better get into shape in spring training so it can get back into the majors.

Aabar Investments PJSC’s has purchased a $2.7 billion stake in Daimler AG meaning we may see new Mercedes models soon including the Mecca which turns toward the East six times a day, the Allah which allows you to run over infidels without damaging the car, and Al Quieda which fits a half dozen foreigners so you can drive them out of the Arabian peninsula.

Crude-oil futures ended above $53 a barrel just in time to screw more Americans with higher prices at the pump when more of us are losing our jobs.

Sun Microsystems shares have hit their lowest point since the news broke of a potential acquisition by IBM. Even Big Blue cannot make investors see green but I bet Sun shareholders are seeing red and sunscreen won’t help.

New York Governor David Paterson’s approval rating plunged more than 10 percentage points in a month but at least he’s not bangin’ hookers…yet.

Governor Paterson has asked the New York Power Authority to not raise upstate New York utility rates while it gives out millions of dollars in bonuses to employees. Do what AIG did, get taxpayers’ money first and then hand out the bonuses. You’d think they’d learn (he said sarcastically).

Freshman New York state senator Hiram Monserrate has been indicted on domestic assault charges after cops say he slashed his girlfriend’s face with broken glass in a jealous rage. Someone must be listening to music by Chris Brown.

The House may tax AIG’s 165-million-dollar-bonuses 90% while the government continues to spend trillions. These idiots must’ve failed math. Only in Washington is spending $165 million while $11 trillion goes out the window considered an affront to the taxpayers.

President Obama will talk about his financial rescue plan when he appears on The Tonight Show meanwhile money man Jim Cramer got his ass handed to him by Jon Stewart on the Daily Show. We’re now living in Bizzaro World where comedians probe high profile people better than journalists.

President Obama has signed a deal for a youth-oriented version of his published memoir and a nonfiction book after he leaves office. Potential titles include: Socialism: In Three Easy Steps, Teleprompter Tales, and Spreadin’ It Around.

Former President George W. Bush is writing a book that he’ll probably be unable to read.

The Defense Department says it plans to end forced military tour extensions by 2011. Too bad it doesn’t plan to stop war-making too.

Cops say a suspect in two deadly shootings apparently killed himself in his SUV outside the Anaheim police station. How thoughtful! He offed himself right outside the morgue. That should save the taxpayers some transportation costs.

The Justice Department is suing Union Pacific railroad claiming it owes the government more than $37 million for allowing shipments of drugs into the United States on rail cars. This is the same government that wants to curb global warming. Don’t they realize how much more efficient railroads are than trucks?

United Auto Workers President Ron Gettelfinger says he will not seek re-election and plans to retire when his current term ends on June 30 of 2010. Just in time to watch the American auto industry vanish. I’ll be he’ll drive off into the sunset with a nice bonus which is why a Buick that falls apart in less than ten years still costs $35,000.

Republicans are increasingly blaming the rival party for allowing AIG to pay out millions in bonuses at a time when it’s accepting billions in taxpayer money. Cue the music from Jaws.

The House has approved the largest expansion of government-sponsored service programs since 1963 when President John F. Kennedy first called for the creation of a national community service corps. I can hear the shackles being tightened around our hands and feet but remember ask not what your country can do for you but what you’ll be forced to do by your country.

An Idaho House committee approved a bill to give pharmacists the ability to refuse to dispense birth control and other medications but they are allowed to substitute IUDs with potatoes. That should plug the whole and provide a nice snack.

Governor Sarah Palin says she’s willing to negotiate with state lawmakers about how much Alaska taxes natural gas in order to attract oil companies. Ladies and gentleman the Reformer has left the building (and was probably never there to begin with).

The Federal Reserve’s decision to fire up the printing presses to the tune of $1 trillion continued to wash over world financial markets pushing the price of government bonds higher and dragging down the value of the dollar. Welcome to the new banana republic where even bananas are too expensive!

The Obama administration is expected to offer $5 billion to auto parts makers but don’t’ you worry because it plans to work real hard to get back 90% of those AIG bonuses that amounted to $165 million.

General Electric says its GE Capital finance unit won’t need more outside funding and at worst will break even. How about a new ad slogan? GE — we bring most good things to life except our own company.

Americans filing new claims for unemployment benefits fell to 646,000. Call it a dead-cat bounce. We all better learn to speak Chinese.

A private sector group’s index of leading economic indicators dropped less than expected in February, but its broad decline of the past 19 months persisted and is unlikely to end until next year. This from the We Don’t Know What The Hell Is Going To Happen Either Department.

Interest rates on US 30-year fixed-rate mortgages fell 0.05 percentage point in the latest week. Good news for anyone who can still afford a mortgage.

FedEx profits dropped 75% in the third quarter but less shipments means less global warming, so the environmentalists should love it.

Jaguar and Buick surged to the top of JD Power and Associates’ closely watched vehicle dependability study this year. Go figure the US economy is a wreck but suddenly some of our cars are not wrecks. The times, they are a changin’.

Books on paper may be going the way of the dodo bird, but the world’s largest bookseller, Barnes & Noble, managed to beat analysts’ estimates during the fourth quarter. I just read this online so I’ll hold off buying any Barnes & Noble stock.

Wal-Mart is awarding roughly $2 billion to its US hourly employees with bonuses and other perks making Wal-Mart more successful than the US right now which is all the more reason to make Wal-Mart a separate country, Wal-Martistan. No one make more than $7 an hour and you don’t get health insurance but hey Save Money, Live Better. And by that we man the executives in charge of the monolith.

Massachusetts employers slashed another 11,000 jobs in February as the state unemployment rate closed in on 8 percent. Now I know how Beantown got its name. That’s all you can afford to eat in the Bay State.

Microsoft has released a new version of Internet Explorer that Firefox and Chrome will beat anyway.

Sony says users of its two e-book readers can now access more than 500,000 free public domain classic books from Google through the Sony eBook Store. Curling up with a screen just isn’t the same as curling up with a good book. Then again curling up with a book isn’t as good as curling up with someone who curls you up which is a lot of curling. Not the kind that involves a broom and a stone.

During a planned spacewalk today, two astronauts will help attach a massive girder to the International Space Station to bring the $100-billion-dollar orbital lab up to full power. Given the economy, they can’t do this with one astronaut?

The latest beta version of the new web browser Chrome is up to 35 percent quicker than the previous version

Two major studies questioning the effectivness of the prostate-specific antigen (PSA) test have men everywhere wondering if their butts were violated for no good reason.

A record 4.3 million new babies were born in 2007 just in time for their parents to lose their jobs, homes, and wind up on the street.

Attorney General Eric H. Holder says the Obama administration will end raids on medical marijuana dispensers but step up raids on people’s paychecks through higher tax rates. So get high and stupid so you won’t notice government picking your pocket.

A FDA panel says a proposed heart drug should be approved to treat a common heart rhythm disorder but yet still no new drugs for the dance rhythm impaired.

Shanghai’s food and drug safety agency says it is testing Johnson & Johnson baby products following allegations they contain potential carcinogens. Baby’s hair isn’t growing. I wonder why?

A new study published this week finds cancer patients who rely on religion to cope with their terminal illnesses are more likely to use intensive life-prolonging care. You bet they do! With God in your corner, you want to stick around!

A study finds kids with a peanut allergy who received controlled exposure to peanut protein were desensitized to the allergen and enjoyed talking with a giant peanut wearing a top hat and monacle.

Radio host Don Imus wonders whether stress contributed to his prostate cancer diagnosis but then again I wonder how much stress Imus created for the Rutger’s women’s basketball team?

A federal judge is hearing arguments whether convicted ex-Qwest CEO Joseph Nacchio should remain free while his health is being evaluated. Doctors still make prison calls, especially if the federal government is paying the bills!

Senator Chris Dodd is one of several lawmakers trying to retrieve AIG bonuses but an amendment he added to the stimulus bill is blocking those efforts. It involves a trip to New Jersey for a cement-shoe-fitting and a baseball bat…for anyone who really tries to get the money back.

President Obama is defending his proposed $3.6 trillion budget but offending most Americans who realize we’ll never have enough money to pay for it.

Some people are vengeful, suggesting jail, public humiliation or even revolution over the decision by AIG to award $165 million in bonuses to employees who were in part responsible for the insurance giant’s near collapse. They’ve missed the obvious and legal…class action lawsuit!

President Barack Obama nominated David Hamilton, an Indiana federal district judge with bipartisan support, for a US appeals court seat in the new administration’s first judicial appointment. Let’s hope he’s not a hick from French Lick and might actually have read the Constitution and be willing to follow it.

The US Justice Department will not interfere with New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s bid to seek a third term but will probably block any investigation by concerned citizens into King Bloomberg’s bid for a monarchy.

The Interior Department and the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission agreed to work together to settle a longstanding conflict over which agency oversees offshore alternative energy. It involves a battle to the death with wind turbines.

Texas voters would have to offer photographic or other evidence of their identity at the polls under a proposed new law. Texans better get used to hearing, “You’re papers, please!”

Senate Democrats have unveiled a scaled-down MTA bailout plan that was promptly slammed for failing to address the agency’s long-term capital needs. It involves on a hay wagon and some Clydesdales.

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, and at first lady Michelle Obama’s suggestion, the fountain at the White House is spraying green-colored water. It must be part of the “stimulus package” creating work for artists.

The Employee Free Choice Act would allow workplaces to unionize once a majority of employees sign a card supporting unionization. But remember whatever a new law is called, the opposite comes true. Therefore no employees will actually get a choice or be free.

Illinois Governor Quinn says about half the people in his state will pay higher taxes and half the people will pay lower under the “fairer” tax system so in other words it’s a wash and people are still getting screwed. Sounds like government to me.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford wants to use more than $700 million in federal stimulus funds to pay off debt…before the leg breakers show up demanding repayment. Any one keeping track of the Triads?

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs admits he got rather sarcastic when asked about former vice president Cheney’s latest claim that the new administration’s policies are putting the nation at greater risk of a terrorist attack. I wonder if sticking out your tongue, flipping Cheney the bird, and mooning the former VP are considered “sarcastic.” I would so they’re definitely appropriate!

A state budget proposed by North Carolina Governor Bev Perdue would cut more than 1,000 state jobs and raise “sin taxes” on cigarettes and alcohol but with 1,000 less state workers who’s going to buy all those cigs and booze?

Governor Charlie Crist’s “stimulus czar” says Florida has met all deadlines so far for obtaining billions in federal recovery dollars. The Sunshine state better hope getting federal bucks doesn’t involve interpreting any hanging chads. Otherwise they’ll be getting stimulus money in 2050.

The family of a woman mauled by a chimpanzee filed a lawsuit seeking $50 million in damages against the primate’s owner. I say sue the monkey for all he’s worth too. You may only get a few bananas, some fleas, and monkey crap but make him sweat too.

Republicans on the Wisconsin Legislature’s budget-writing committee say Governor Jim Doyle’s budget plan relies too much on raising taxes and doesn’t do enough to create jobs and cut spending. Translation: a few of our multi-national corporations are not getting enough taxpayer money to piss away on Gulfstream jets, lavish parties, and spa treatments. You have to love our so-called “free market” economy. We have crony capitalism here in the states. By another name, Mercantilism where big business uses big government to create monopolies in nearly any industry it wants.

Boosted by an 82% increase in construction of apartment buildings, US housing starts surged 22% in February to a seasonally adjusted annual rate of 583,000. That’s not exactly a sign of a healthy economy. That means people still can’t afford homes! Welcome to a brave new world. Here’s your 500 square foot apartment now be grateful.

Caterpillar will lay off nearly 2,500 US employees and close a plant in Georgia. Sounds like that company’s workers are still awaiting for the Cat to turn into a butterfly.

A Chinese official says countries that buy Chinese goods should be held responsible for the carbon dioxide emitted by the factories that make them in that long-played game of pass the buck or Yuan as it were.

Georgia utility regulators have approved Southern Company’s plan to build two reactors. More nuclear power plants? That explains Georgia in so many ways!

IRS Commissioner Doug Shulman says the IRS will issue guidance to help investors who lost millions in Bernard Madoff’s investment schemes. It involves rope, a stool, and a trip to his prison cell.

Southern California home sales rose by more than 40 percent in February from a year earlier as real estate prices continue to drop. Finally, prices are going down. If things get any worse for California, Americans will be crossing the Rio Grande to get to Mexico.

A piece of an old rocket engine recently came within striking distance of the International Space Station causing at least one astronaut to spit up his Tang.

A mother from Ohio says her son’s iPod Touch exploded in his pants, caught fire, and left him with serious burns. Now, she’s suing Apple for $225,000 in damages. This is yet another reason for moms to encourage their sons to masturbate without electronic devices.

CBS has introduced an iPhone application for hardcore NCAA tournament fans that provides scores, bracket results, highlights, and shows them how much they’ve lost on their illegal bets.

A Windows 7 build that may be the first release candidate has leaked to the Internet, according to several file-sharing sites. They’ve probably already figured out where the security holes will be too.

The UN chief predicted Thursday that a new global climate deal – with US backing – will be reached this year just in time to thwart the plans of billions of people to burn their worthless paper money so they can heat whatever’s left of their homes that are now worthless too.

Internet surfers are at increasing risk from governments and corporations tracking the sites they visit but lots of people in government and at corporations are looking at porn too so don’t worry.

Massachusetts Institute of Technology scientists have claimed a breakthrough in recharging lithium-ion batteries. The latest ones catch fire but burn at lower temperatures so you’ll only get minor flesh wounds after piloting your Hybrid to the supermarket for gauze, Band-Aids, and Neosporin.

Friends on Fire, a new web application, will let Facebook users share their location and short messages with friends. Did you twitter that Twitter?

Humans create memories of locations in physical or virtual space as they move around – and it all shows up on brain scans or embarrassing photographs.

Mozilla is working on a new Firefox codenamed Shiretoko which roughly translated means Screw Microsoft.

The Symbian Foundation is promising a new version of the open-source operating system every six months for the next several years. It gives a whole new meaning to ride the symbian.

Hulu is incorporating social networking features into its offerings so you can see how aliens communicate.

Earlier this week, Google announced that it had begun using so-called behavioral targeting, meaning that it tracks your interests, stores that information in a cookie, then sends you ads based on your online behavior. I’d suggest leaving these cookies in the jar unless you want your brain invaded.

NASA will attempt to send Discovery on its mission late Sunday which means three weeks from then.

Reviews of action horror game Resident Evil 5 have started to trickle in, and the reactions thus far have been mixed because it takes a while to gather opinions from basement-dwelling gamers in between swigs of Mountain Dew and mom’s meatloaf.

President Obama is lifting restrictions on federal funding for embryonic stem cell research just in time to take advantage of all those abortions of people who can’t afford to raise children in an economy dominated by government.

A new study finds Texas is the worst place in the nation for homeless children but the best area of the country for irresponsible parents and card board box manufacturers.

A shortage of staff at the Treasury Department is taking a toll on its ability to deal with the financial crisis because even the workers running the printing presses 24-7 need breaks too.

The Obama administration is aggressively reworking US trade policy just like it is the US economy so we too can suffer like the Europeans.

President Barack Obama ordered federal agencies to get legal reviews of statements that his predecessors, including George W. Bush, used to challenge parts of new laws they viewed as unconstitutional so he can continue the tradition.

One of the White House’s top economic advisers has defended the Obama administration against criticism its assumptions about economic growth are too rosy. Jeb the Gardner predicts run away profits for tent makers, firewood salesman, and beer makers.

Americans are increasingly turning away from many denominations, with the percentage who do not claim a religious identity nearly doubling since 1990, to 15%. They’ve finally figured out God doesn’t care whether you’re Catholic, Protestant, or Hindu, as long as you lead an ethical and moral life but don’t let the clergy hear you say that, you might induce heart attacks, strokes, and assaults.

A bevy of bipartisan California legislators have vowed to be better parents to the state’s foster youth, pledging to extend their life-sustaining benefits through age 21 rather than casting them off as teenagers. Just what foster kids want to hear, they get to be wards of the state even longer. Too bad a bevy of bipartisan California lawmakers didn’t step up to the plate to adopt these children.

The US government’s plan to strip banks of troubled assets could force some firms to record large losses but since the rest of us are suffering in this God-awful economy maybe it’s about time these banks did too.

Warren Buffett says the economy “has fallen off a cliff” but since he has more money than God there’s a huge air bag lined with gold at the bottom of his cliff.

CBS expects a 30 percent increase in revenue from online advertising for college basketball’s postseason tournament, a figure that pales in comparison to the amount of illegal bets placed on March Madness.

Japan’s government bonds due in 20 years or more will outperform shorter-dated debt this year because in this economy even Toyota isn’t delivering that “Oh, what a feeling!”

Unionized workers at Ford have agreed to wage freezes and benefit cuts as well as trading their company cars for Pintos.

Food, clothing and fuel costs in China have declined for the first time since 2002 but since China makes everything that means prices are lower by one cent.

The wife of accused con artist Bernard Madoff plans to hire her own attorney because even she doesn’t trust him.

A glitch within Google’s free Google Docs utility caused some private documents to be exposed but that should be easily fixed by the company’s new program Google Trenchcoat.

A University of Tennessee student accused of illegally breaking into the email account of Alaska governor Sarah Palin has been hit with three new felony charges but since the most sensitive email Palin sent involved asking what the Vice President does the student shouldn’t worry.

The mother of a man charged in the shooting death of a church pastor blames Lyme disease for his mental problems which could result in the first ever legal defense, “The ticks made me do it.”

Fumes from chemicals that were inadvertently mixed temporarily forced the evacuation of about 500 people from National Jewish Health, a health system with a national reputation for respiratory care. To which all we can say is “Oh Vey, my goiter is acting up now.”

President Obama says the US must improve education to better compete in the world economy but since his policies have helped wreck our economy the only place left for Americans to make a living will be in the rest of the world. Start studying Mandarin.

Republican senators expected to support the spending bill have billions of dollars worth of earmarks in the package. That bridge to nowhere must lead to somewhere and that’s right into the campaign coffers of the elephant party’s members.

Five Guantanamo prisoners accused in the 9-11 terror attacks call the operation “blessed” and “great” and the accusations against them “badges of honor.” Coincidentally that’s how US soldiers accused of torturing suspected terrorists describe their own behavior.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says Congress needs to “keep the door open” to a second stimulus package but the window closed so they don’t have to listen to the cries of citizens pleading lawmakers not to spend their children’s, grandchildren’s, great-grandchildren’s, and great, great grandchildren’s savings now.

Voters in California are sharply divided on same-sex marriage but agree state government should get the right to stick its nose into other peoples’ personal business for “their own good” of course.

The National Center on Family Homelessness says 1.5 million children in America do not have a home. Given the sheer number of foreclosures, that figure should disappear overnight. Subprime mortgage got you underwater? Give your house to a homeless child!

Pentagon officials are weighing $21.7 billion in cuts but will still spend trillions on “national defense” cause we need airborne lasers and aerial refueling tankers. Maybe we can all live inside one of them when we no longer have jobs, homes, or cars.

Hedge funds worldwide plan to cut 20,000 jobs this year but the damage they caused in the market led to millions of job losses, and trillions of dollars in portfolio loses so all in all they escaped relatively unscathed.

A new brand Denizen will boost Hilton’s luxury and lifestyle hotel brands but Paris still doesn’t know what the name means.

Fleetwood Enterprises, maker of recreational vehicles and manufactured housing, has filed for bankruptcy leaving rednecks everywhere in a lurch.