President Obama plans to spell out details of a financial stability program so everyone clearly understands how the government is screwing us.

A NASA satellite designed to study carbon emissions recently went down off the coast of Antarctica but with a little reprogramming maybe they can get it to study fish, polar bears, and sea urchins.

Academy Award-winning actor George Clooney met with the President to discuss the humanitarian crisis in Sudan because even Obama needs help from Batman.

A 24-year-old teacher from Holyoke, Massachusetts, is in custody after cops say she left town with a 15-year-old student. That’s some real long division.

The North Carolina Research Triangle will get nearly $60 million in federal economic stimulus money proving things vanish in triangles outside of Bermuda.

Proposals for how Missouri should spend its share of the $787 billion federal stimulus package have come pouring in including plans to design the world’s largest velvet Elvis.

New Jersey is considering a law that would allow the use of medical marijuana. As soon as it passes they’ll be an explosion of teen glaucoma cases. Besides they don’t need a law, New Jersey is the Garden State. They’re already growing pot.

Fidelity Investments — the world’s biggest mutual-fund company – says its operating income fell 18 percent last year. So much for high fidelity! More like Muddy Waters.

A senior Democratic senator plans to introduce a bill to end “the extravagant spending practices of US banks” but where is the politician who will introduce a bill to end the extravagant spending practice of the US government? No where to be found!

Heinz has posted a quarterly profit that topped expectations. In a depression the only food people can afford are ketchup sandwiches so we should expect Heinz to do rather well this year.

Macy’s says its fourth-quarter net profit dropped 59%. Too bad its prices didn’t. You ever tried to find something reasonable priced in that store? I might be able to afford some irregular socks off a mannequin.

The largest US credit card company by purchases is offering select members a $300 gift card to drop its card. They better get ready for a huge influx of new card holders and equally outrageous number of exiting customers too! I’d join and cancel just for the $300.

Microsoft is predicting a dismal fiscal year. Suddenly the view from Windows is clouds and rain. Get an Apple; it’ll keep the psychologist away!

Office Depot posted a $1.5 billion quarterly loss because people are no using Elmer’s glue instead of staples to keep papers together.

The Conference Board’s Consumer Confidence Index plunged to 25 in February while the John Doe Consumer Pessimistic Index is off the charts.

Federal Reserve Board chairman Ben Bernanke says other programs have jumped ahead of the idea of the central bank buying longer-term Treasury notes and bonds like the idea of financial bondage and slavery. Just plan to work forever and hand all of your money over to the government.

A survey of US smartphone users who installed applications on their mobile devices in 2008 reveals that a surprising 16.5 percent spent between US$100 and $499. And a not-so-surprising 83.5 percent got them for free from pirate websites.

Cable and satellite TV providers are working on a free online video service to deliver up-to-date cable shows to computers and mobile phones so now drivers will be distracted by conversations and shows! It’s multi-tasking at its worst.

Symantec has discovered vulnerability in Adobe Acrobat Reader that can be exploited by specially targeted Trojans. Now we need cyber-condoms.

US viewing figures for this year’s freshened-up Oscars show were up four million on the record low of 2008 because when the economy is in the tank millions of Americans would rather watch selfish, self-absorbed, self-centered, egomaniacal, megalomaniacal, self-congratulatory scum glad hand each other.

Spider-Man will open on Broadway next year marking the true end of theatrical creativity. Where’s Doc Oc when you need him?

Melrose Place is coming back to TV proving the boob tube has no fresh ideas either thus keeping Heather Locklear’s career on track.

Health spending will hit $2.5 trillion this year, devouring 17.6 percent of the economy. There’s clearly no obesity epidemic when it comes to our wallets and pocketbooks. Everyone’s is real thin.

Anger and other strong emotions can trigger potentially deadly heart rhythms in certain vulnerable people but I bet it’s not in the people we wish bought the farm when they blew their tops. Those bastards live forever.

Regular consumption of calcium appears to cut the risk of developing colon cancer or other tumors of the digestive system. Great first it was …don’t each cheese because it could cause a heart attack and now it’s…eat cheese so your butt doesn’t fall apart.

Vitamin D may protect people — especially those with asthma and other chronic lung conditions — from colds and other respiratory tract infections. Tanning bed here I come!

A trendy pedicure that lets fish nibble dead skin from the feet has been nipped in the bud by Florida regulators. Where are these high-brow salons in the sunshine state, Seaworld?

The FBI has finally nabbed the billionaire banker accused of scamming $8 billion but that pales in comparison to the trillions the federal government scams from ordinary Americans through taxes.

President Obama is authorizing $75 billion to be used to help home owners avoid foreclosure, a handsome reward for a nation of “racial cowards” as described by the President’s handpicked Attorney General Eric Holder.

A New York Post cartoon that depicted the police shooting of a chimpanzee has sparked a debate over race and cartooning but no one seems too concerned the cops killed an animal. You have to admire a nation that has an acute sense of proper priorities.

Former President Jimmy Carter has announced the renovation of the Carter Center which will include a peanut farm, a Stagflation Museum, and a wing devoted to lust.

Apple is killing off its 20” Cinema Display but keeping its 30” model for now because even in the high tech world size matters.

Yahoo is launching multi-media search ads that will display images next to the blue text ad links in search results. Users can click on some of the images to watch video commercials. Great! One more thing I have to ignore online.

An actor who played a steroids dealer in the movie “The Wrestler” has been arrested on drug charges after leading police on a high-speed chase but hey it was probably “research” for a role.

Longtime Hollywood lobbyist Jack Valenti was among the Washington figures whose sex lives were secretly investigated by the FBI in the 1960s but then again the FBI invested the sex life of Bugs Bunny so nothing should surprise you.

A new study find people living in neighborhoods where fast food restaurants are plentiful appear to have a higher risk of stroke but people residing in areas with lots of health food stores seem to have a higher risk of dying from boredom and dull taste buds.

Increased rates of obesity and lack of insurance coverage are among the many health challenges facing young American adults along with where to get the best tasting burger and how to buy piss so you can pass a drug test.

Patients suffering from obsessive, distressing thoughts have a new treatment option: a pacemaker-like device that relieves anxiety with electrical jolts to the brain. This is the best 21st century medicine can do? Thousands of years of human evolution and we’re back to electro-shock therapy. What’s next? Bleeding with leaches or burning people at the stake because they might be witches?

72-year-old former Washington Mayor Marion Barry who’s accused of failing to file his 2007 tax returns has been admitted to a hospital for a kidney transplant. Perhaps while he’s there he should have a brain transplant. The crack must’ve prompted him to forget about those pesky tax returns.

A conference featuring the latest treatment options for prostate cancer is expected to draw 250 doctors. One of the few times where a bunch of white collar workers are gathered to talk about ass and its not at a porn convention, strip club, or house of ill repute.

500,000 gallons of partially treated sewage into San Francisco Bay after a pipe burst. That’ll be a nice addition to the San Fran tourist trade! And over here, we have a giant body of shit. It adds a nice brown hue to the water under the Golden Gate Bridge.

Average American Financial Stimulus Plan In A Few Easy Steps…

End Iraq and Afghan wars, close military bases around the world and bring home our soldiers.

Remove government from all industries and professions by shrinking it to its Constitutionally-constrained size.

Abolish the Federal Reserve System and Federal Income Tax, back paper money with gold and silver, pay off all debt.

Repeal as many unnecessary regulations on business as possible, end tariffs, taxes, fees, and other government-related mandates.

Korean comedian Margaret Cho is upset with Miley Cyrus for posing in a stereotypical gesture but if I were Cho I’d be a lot more upset by the fact that Cyrus has a lucrative career.

Chris Brown is accused of beating up his girlfriend Rihanna but Brown should take a page from his idol Michael Jackson and get himself a few young boys then he won’t be an alleged abuser just downright creepy.

The new movie “The International” suggests a financial colossus is running the world. And this is not a documentary?

A full frontal nude photo of Madonna, taken in 1979 before she became famous, has sold at auction for $37,500 — more than double its pre-sale estimate. A full frontal nude photo of Madonna, taken in 2009, long after she peaked in the 80s, would fetch $3.75 – more than double its real worth.

Dark chocolate may help in the fight against cancer. Who knew good health could taste so sweet? Be less like Michael Phelps and more like Willy Wonka and you might live forever.

Microsoft is planning to open retail stores. Let’s see, Apple already did that. Microsoft unveiled Windows long after Apple rolled out its user-friendly icon-driven operating system. Apparently Microsoft is more like Xerox.

The crash of two satellites has generated space junk that could circle Earth and threaten other satellites for the next 10,000 years. Great, we’ve not only polluted the planet now we’ve polluted space! Time to move to a new galaxy! Where’s Captain Kirk when you need him? Probably out getting laid by some alien babe instead of plotting a course to Alpha Centuri 7.

Video game sales rose steadily in January because after you’ve been screwed by the economy you want a grab your joy stick.

Scientists have tracked the migration routes of two species of songbirds for the first time or they’ve discovered the deranged Mad Whistler who’s been on the loose for years.

YouTube may start charging users to download select videos which will last about a day before every pay-to-watch video shows up on pirate websites.

House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank says he sees a “happy ending” to the nation’s economic woes within several years but this is the same idiot who said he never saw any problems in the subprime mortgage market.

A handwritten manuscript of an Abraham Lincoln speech has sold for $3.44 million, about the same amount as an Obama speech would fetch right now before the mass hypnosis wears off.

It could cost as much as $825 million to clean up a river and neighborhood after a massive spill of coal ash sludge in Tennessee so now we know where those “green collar” jobs will appear.

A Gallup poll finds almost two-thirds of Americans say they would support either a criminal investigation into allegations of torture and illegal wiretapping by the Bush administration or an independent commission to look into those issues. The other third have already been tortured or tapped.

Google will no longer sell radio ads but if you’re like me you didn’t even know they had started until I googled Google which if said quickly can tie your tongue in knots and give you a migraine.

The average US rate on a 30-year fixed mortgage fell this week while the financial strain on the average American increased as more of us are forced to sell pencils in tin cups on street corners.

Online DVD rental company Netflix says it now has more than 10 million subscribers but that pales in comparison to those watching movies for free on pirate sites.

Now that Verizon Wireless has swallowed Alltel, Alltel customers are waiting to see what will happen to their service and their bills. Let me take a wild guess. Go up?

In early 2010, Sprint Nextel expects to launch a new smartphone that works over high-speed wireless WiMax, CDMA cellular and possibly Wi-Fi but it will only work on major highways so if you’re stranded in a one-horse town off the beaten path you better use two cans and a string to call for help.

The Jonas Brothers will soon make their big “Saturday Night Live” debut which is one of the signs of the Apocalypse.

President Obama signed a bill officially delaying the change to digital TV until June but unfortunately is not delaying the orgy of spending of taxpayers’ money in his “stimulus package.”

Salma Hayek reportedly breastfeed another woman’s baby…soon to be released in an unrated version on DVD…and Blu-Ray.

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has produced his financial stability plan, which apparently he was already using by not paying his taxes.

General Motors plans to cut 3,400 jobs but still keeps cranking out SUVs the jobless can use for homes.

Prosecutors say Georgia-based Peanut Corporation of America is under criminal investigation in salmonella poisonings of hundreds of people by a man wearing a top hat and monacle.

Live Nation and Ticketmaster have announced plans to merge so prepare to pay $500 for a ticket to your favorite concert.

The world’s largest chip maker, Intel, is vowing to spend more money than ever before on new manufacturing technology despite a sharp downturn in its profits. Call it the “Obama-Method.”

Molson Coors Brewing Company, the third- largest US beer maker, had a rough fourth quarter. Better start drinking your own product!

Inventories at US wholesalers fell twice as much as forecast in December. Doesn’t matter whether it’s the weather or washing machines, the forecasters rarely get it right.

Reports claim lovers still plan to spend money on chocolate and candlelit dinners for Valentine’s Day if you consider a Happy Meal and a lighter from the dollar store as romantic.

Singapore Airlines posted a 43 percent drop in profit for the fourth quarter. Even the Chinese can’t make money in this economy!

DirecTV, the largest US satellite broadcaster, says its fourth-quarter profit fell 5%. No wonder! I watched that report on cable.

Boeing claims it will make it through 2009 in what’s expected to be a tough year for the aircraft industry. If they produce a balsa wood airplane, I’m never flying again.

Kaspersky Security firm was recently hacked so now we know who the next new employee will be.

Mobile data traffic is likely to more than double every year for the next five years because no one will have a job and we’ll all have plenty of time to watch videos.

Gels to protect women from HIV infection may work but if not you can always slip them in your shoes so your feet don’t hurt when you run away from the person with the ninja.

The Mediterranean diet which is rich in fruits, vegetables, fish and olive oil, may help the brain stay sharp into old age but the red wine helps the mind to not give a damn.

An oil spill near Chicago has contaminated a part of the Des Plaines River prompting area gas station owners to rub their hands together in glee since a spill is a great excuse to hike prices.

Despite OPEC’s production cuts, the worldwide depression is keeping prices near $40 a barrel. So much for Peak oil! When you’re down and out in the valley you can forget about the Peak.

The economy has decreased mail forcing the Post Office to suggest sell everything they can think of when you’re at the counter just trying to mail a letter. Last week they asked if I wanted to buy an Official Post Office truck along with a year’s supply of stamps.

The US government has approved the first drug produced by genetically engineered livestock but has yet to approve a law to allow genetically engineered cows to do drugs.

Boston has outlawed smoking in all bars. Massachusetts health officials say the ban is “wicked awesome.”

Canada has suffered its worst job losses in over three decades leading more unemployed hockey players to beat the shit out of each other off ice.

Three more banks, two in California and one in Georgia, have gone belly up, prompting surfers and red necks to buy more mattresses in which to store their cash.

General Motors may fire up to 5,000 white collar workers adding to the number of people who also won’t buy GM cars.

NASA is trying to figure out what to do with spare parts after it retires the space shuttle. How about some artfully-designed homeless shelters? Instead of exploring space lets explore why 2/3rds of the world lives on less than a dollar a day. Planet Earth could use your attention NASA!

From school lunches to nutrition bars and ice cream, the nationwide salmonella outbreak has reached deep into the American food supply. Finally something other than the economy that we can all agree sucks.

In a study conducted by the American Heart Association, researchers found that heart disease, heart attacks and strokes killed more women than men over the past 25 years but more men sucummed to testicular cancer than women unless you count a few Brazilians with Adam’s apples.

Microsoft is rumored to be developing a smart phone but Windows users are still awaiting a smart operating system. Hello Apple Mac!

Facebook’s 25 Random Things About Me lets users bore each other in new and exciting ways. But that’s just one of my 25 Specific Opinions About Social Networking Sites.

A nine-year-old Malaysian from Singapore may be the youngest registered iPhone developer thus far but given the Pacific Rim’s ability to counterfeit everything, you can be sure there are five-year-olds who have cracked the iPhone code.

Thursday, February 12, 2009 is the 200th anniversary of the birth of Abraham Lincoln. Only in a country where education has been dumbed down to the level of dung beatles would people celebrate the birth of a man who sentenced 600,000 of his fellow citizens to death in an unnecessary Civil War but hey he was “honest.” Yeah, right!

The nation lost 598,000 jobs in January and the unemployment rate jumped to 7.6 percent but those are government statistics so you can be sure the job losses are well over a million and the unemployment rate is closer to 14 percent.

The man who led a prostitution ring whose clients included former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has been was sentenced to 30 months in prison but he ought to be rewarded for saving New Yorkers from an arrogant corrupt politician.

Toyota expects to post an even greater net loss for fiscal 2009 — its first full-year loss since 1950. Oh what a feeling (or not)!

The Obama administration hopes to accelerate the review of up to $25 billion in loans for helping automakers and other companies develop more fuel efficient vehicles. Only in America could an inefficient government throw money at an inefficient industry in hopes of making it more efficient. That’s a long time cottage industry.

US taxpayers are being shortchanged by about $78 billion through the Treasury Department’s bank bailout. We’ve been shortchanged since 1913 when the federal income tax was enacted. So $78 billion ain’t even close to our losses.

Delta’s merger with Northwest will result in Delta dropping 170 gates nationwide and probably millions of pieces of luggage too.

Ticketmaster issued an apology to Bruce Springsteen this week after fans complained about being redirected to the more expensive Ticketmaster sister site TicketsNow while trying to buy tickets to The Boss’ upcoming tour. So that’s why the band calls itself E-Street. It stands for easy street as a result of high ticket prices.

A proposed merger of concert promoter Live Nation and Ticketmaster is expected to be announced within days, but antitrust concerns could delay its completion. But who are we kidding, the government just needs time to get some new fresh ink for its rubber stamp.

Dewey Martin, drummer for Buffalo Springfield, was found dead February 1 in Van Nuys, Calif. Now nothing’s happenin’ here or there.

A fertility doctor who helped a woman become pregnant with octuplets is under investigation by the California medical board. Instead of spending tax payer money on that, how about they buy some baby food for the kiddies.

Monday night’s newscast in the Capital Region of New York State also affectionately known as the Empire State (read sarcastically) featured a report lamenting the New York State legislature’s failure to pass even one bill in January. New Yorkers like me were beaming after hearing that but not the news media.

The planets must’ve aligned just so because the New York State legislature is famous for waiting until the last two weeks of its session to pass between 500 and 600 bills every year. And it’s infamous for hobbling businesses, holding up private citizens with outrageous taxes, disguising taxes as usage “fees,” and in general making it virtually impossible for people to live in peace and prosperity for any length of time.

In a highly-regulated and heavily-taxed state like New York, it’s a minor miracle that the legislature has not passed any new legislation so far this year. In fact, it would be a major miracle if the legislature failed to pass any new legislation for the entire year. More than a few New Yorkers would run through the streets naked shouting “They Didn’t Do It” at the top of their lungs.

Meanwhile the media, in all its infinite wisdom, instead of pointing out what a wonderful “change” from business-as-usual the seemingly lazy legislature was instead bent over backwards to suggest the legislature was failing to do its job by not passing any legislation for 2009 thus far. As a native upstate New Yorker, I only wish the legislature would fail more often. In fact, I wish the legislature would repeal between 500 and 600 laws every year.

New York is not alone in its excessive law making, heavy taxation, hobbling of business, and curtailment of liberty, a number of states in the Northeast operate in similar fashion. And that’s why by 2020, 60% of the population of the United States may be living in the South and/or the West where the weather is nicer, the taxes lower, the laws less intrusive, and the business climate more sunny and optimistic.

New York State’s budget director recently announced the state may run out of money and be unable to pay its bills if a $1.6 billion budget gap is left as is by the Governor and the legislature. Across the state, a good number of New Yorkers like me are hoping the state runs out of money and is forced to reduce its size and scope but when you live in New York you are destined to be disappointed.

The Governor wants to tax anything that moves and anything that doesn’t. And the costs of legislative sessions are outrageous too. Sessions cost taxpayers roughly $60,000 per day with legislators entitled to $143 a day, on top of travel and meal costs for them and their staffs. About $19,000 of that is spent in the Senate. Most lawmakers arrive the night before session and charge two days of expenses.

I’m sure the legislature will make up for its failure to pass any legislation in January by doubling what it passes this year but for a brief moment in time it was nice to hear even New York State’s Leviathan experienced a January thaw. It may be the calm before the storm but for one month, New Yorkers like me were thinking, “If only the New York State legislature would fail every month from now on!”